<p>" She needs to talk to counseling to find out what she can do to first of all protect herself."</p>
<p>It’s not the counseling department that she needs to talk to: It’s the dean of students and the campus and city police.</p>
<p>Get her the book, Women Who Love too Much…she needs to read it NOW…if he calls her, she does not answer, if he texts she does not open it…this part is indeed in her control, she is allowing herself to be sucked into something that she needs to run from as fast as possible.</p>
<p>And she needs to go to an Alanon meeting. She is in a relationship with an addict, and Alanon or Alateen can do wonders to help people take care of themselves</p>
<p>Cpt, I did not say that she or another kid should handle this. She needs to go to people within the school that can help. My point was that simply “staying out of it” is not necessarily the safer course of action.</p>
<p>Wow lots of responses - my computer has been acting weird so I have not had a chance to respond. You have all given me a lot to think of - some stuff I had not thought of. </p>
<p>If I had not told you about him being her ex but just a friend or an aquaintance would you all still feel she should do nothing. I guess I was thinking of it from the point of view that if it were my child I would hope someone would do something rather than letting him self destruct. </p>
<p>For starters - she has no desire to go back with him ever and is not trying to change him to get back with him. She stayed on civil terms after they broke up because they were in classes together and were living in the same dorm which was awkward enough without them becoming mortal enemies. It was a stressful several months and she was relieved when school was out and over the summer she thought she had succeeded in severing all ties as she was a long distance away and it was not possible for him to contact her and he also had a new girlfriend. She moved off campus but once back at school she found she couldn’t avoid crossing paths with him unfortunately because they are in a couple of classes together. Other than in class she avoids him like the plague but has remained civil to him. He is the one who texts and calls her - not the other way round. </p>
<p>But I think he plays the pity card pretty well which is part of his whole rather controlling personality. In all honesty I think part of the reason she finds it hard to just let him crash and burn is probably because her first love (a real sweetheart) died in an accident. Even though she wants this boy out if her life she finds it hard to just stand back and watch what is happening. I don’t think she can bare the idea of some tragedy befalling him. I think perhaps she feels that if someone can sort him out then he may finally leave her alone. </p>
<p>But having said that reading some of the responses here it dawned on me that this latest steep downturn started when she did finally tell him she did not want anything to do with him any more. Which is maybe a way of him trying to suck her back into his life even if it is subconscious. Her Dad also feels she should not get involved and we talked to her about it tonight. For now she is not going to do anything. She has stopped answering his calls and responding to his texts.</p>
<p>But pretend for a moment I had not mentioned that he was her ex - would you still say sit back and do nothing and let him crash and burn? If this was your son would ypu think that? I do think maybe you are all correct and the best thing would be for him to get thrown out. She really does not want to get involved but the trouble is nor does anyone else. In fact a mutual aquaintance called her out of the blue tonight and raised the subject and said something should be done but that they were unwilling to get involved.</p>
<p>It really is a difficult situation.</p>
<p>Whether or not he were an ex, this is what concerns me most about your D’s safety:
"It is made more complicated by the fact that he has major anger control issues and she does not want him to know she has talked to the RA as he can be pretty nasty…Some of the warnings raised about how he might react towards her if he finds out she is the one who talked to the RA are something that concerns me. "</p>
<p>If it were simply a friend with a substance abuse problem, that would be a different situation. However, the anger problem combined with his being an ex concern me greatly about your D’s continued involvement with him.</p>
<p>My #1 concern is for your D’s safety.</p>
<p>Since the boy is skipping classes, he’ll get his wake-up when he flunks the classes.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, your D needs to stay away from him, stop taking his calls, and make sure that her own RA and others know how the boy is inappropriately contacting her, and has a temper problem – a problem that could be exacerbated by his substance abuse issues.</p>
<p>Thanks NSM. I think you are probably right and she needs to try and stay far away from him. Hope I can convince her of the same. She is not one to stand back when people are in trouble. Even people she does not like. She is leaving it for now - she has a lot on her plate workwise this week.</p>
<p>He is on the road to flunking right now. He usually has very good grades so maybe that will alert his parents that something is up - if they know about it.</p>
<p>She lives off campus so no RA. He has not threatened her in any way.</p>
<p>Is it just me - quick post just spins in circles then i find i have double posted…</p>
<p>I think that there is a concern about him because she knows him and also because he has drawn her into his problems. Yes, if someone I hardly knew was calling me in a berserk way, I would be concerned too. </p>
<p>I don’t know who the point person should be at the university who can best handle this. Though the RAs need to be involved, some responsible adult who is trained to deal with these issues needs to give them the protocol to handle this with the least amount of risks. Counseling should be involved as well. I do not feel the RA, unless he is is a trained adult should be the one calling the shots on this, though he will be involved. Perhaps the dean of students, maybe counseling, I don’t know. I would call as a mom or dad, and even go there. tToo many tragedies from unhinged kids.</p>
<p>Isn’t there a way to anonymously contact a person in authority at the school? What about good old snail mail? With a D of my own, I certainly get all the posts about safety and staying away, but …</p>
<p>I think this is beyond anonymity at this point. If this were a situation where a former friend is NOT stalking the person, and she notices that he is going down the tubes from substance abuse, mood disorder, bad company, an anonymous note might be in order, though I am not a fan of such things. However, once it is a direct contact situation which this is; the young lady is on his radar screen, I think that she needs to get help asap and she needs to get it for herself first, not for him. She can be at very high risk.</p>
<p>Ditto all the posters about the importance of staying uninvolved (although your daughter sounds like a very caring person, swimcatsmom). </p>
<p>The only point I would differ with is that it would likely be better for her to change her cell phone number, rather than threaten to call the police if he kept calling her. Threatening a stalker-type, controlling person can sometime fuel their rage (not what you want). The key I think is to be polite yet distancing as much as possible. </p>
<p>Just a thought–a drunken stalker with anger issues could be much more of a danger to your daughter than he could be to himself. Not to be cold-hearted, but if he flunks out, that could be just the distance he needs and maybe a wake-up call for some comprehensive therapy (although anger/control issues are less amenable to change than other problems, I’ve found). Good luck to her (& you!).</p>
<p>From what I have read and heard, it is not advisable to change phone number when there is a stalker involved. It may anger the stalker and if he wants to get your new number, he could easily do so. I think it is especially in this case where they go to the same school, have same classes together. The best thing to do is not to response.</p>
<p>To answer OP’s question on what would the response if this is just a friend, not an ex. I think the answer would still be to let appropriate people handle this - his RA, advisor, close friends, current girlfriend, or roommate. The ex has a new girlfriend now and he probably has few best friends. They should have more vested interest than your daughter to make sure he doesn’t crash and burn. The most I would do would be to voice my concern to his friends and ask them to get help for him.</p>
<p>I see three main reasons to step back, and they would apply to anyone, not just an -ex. First and second are the anger and control issues. These, of course, can be particularly dangerous for ex-girlfriends. Still, they could be dangerous for anyone who tries to “help out” in a nonprofessional way.</p>
<p>Third, the desire to help out or to rescue should imo be balanced by prudence, and by the realization that becoming a semi-permanent lifeline or means of support is actually enabling behavior that isn’t likely to be truly helpful.</p>
<p>Before she does anything, I would suggest that she contact Al-Anon. This is for people whose lives are affected by the drinking of others. While this is a new situation for swimcatsmom and her daughter, it’s nothing that Al-Anon hasn’t seen before. They will be able to give her a lot of good, tested advice that none of us may be able to see.</p>
<p>I’d also like to say that enabling behavior is likely to be damaging to the enabler, as well as unhelpful to the abuser.</p>
<p>If the counseling office is advised of his problem, would they contact the student’s adviser and have him/her make inquiries with profs? If he’s missing tests, the profs are aware of it, if not the specific details why. </p>
<p>Agree that D must keep herself safe.</p>
<p>Whether this boy is considered an ex or a friend doesn’t change my response at all. Stay out of the mess—it’s not your daughter’s mess to clean up. Cut off all ties–do not answer his calls, do not respond to his texts, and if he questions her actions–tell her to stand tall and hold her ground. Guys like this only understand black and white—they read all kinds of things into mixed messages. If he continues trying to contact her, in a VERY PUBLIC PLACE ON CAMPUS and in front of others she needs to loudly and clearly tell him to leave her alone. If after this, he continues, she must call the city police first and then bring a copy of the report to the campus police. It’s not her job to save this boy.</p>
<p>You do not say how the anger and control came into play in their relationship, but I assume that it did, and that she was afraid of him. She needs to know that just because he is sad and sorry and needy now, does not mean that he is not still angry and controlling. The sad/sorry part is just one of the stages in the abuse cycle. The alcohol abuse makes things even more potentially volatile. I know that it is tempting to see him as a suffering human being, which he is, but he’s also a potentially dangerous human being.</p>
<p>Of course it would be different if it were a friend. If it were a friend there would be things she could do without putting her safety on the line. But he is not a friend, and in this case, the warning signs are already there, and she should stay out of it.</p>
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<p>I agree with this. My d has an ex (also with severe anger issues) who stalked and harassed her. She did not change her number based on the advice of a counseling service. She said it made her feel somewhat better by being able to judge by the number of calls, the level of obsession. It has been 4 years and still every couple months, he calls. She ignores the call and if he calls from a blocked number and she answers it, she just hangs up without speaking to him.</p>
<p>Make a confidential contact to the counseling office from a school telephone.
Not one in your dorm, or your vicinity. Leave his name, Leave his location and your concerns. Then she can feel she has done what she should do and I agree no direct contact. If she fears for herself then call campus safety. Dean of Students can also act as an intermediary. If she accuses him of something he will have the right to know who his accuser is…so prob. step one is to make an anonymous referral to counseling, let them engage the R.A. or G.R.</p>