<p>My daughter's ex, who goes to the same school as her, seems to have developed a big drinking problem. And I mean big - not just partying at the weekend but smashed every night and getting worse and worse to where now he has started missing a lot of classes and even a couple of quizzes (they are in a couple of the same classes). Although she has been trying to put some distance between them since they broke up nearly a year ago (which has proved difficult) she does not want to see him crash and burn. She very much feels he needs help fast. But she also does not want to get him into trouble. She has become concerned enough that she is thinking of talking to his RA but hopes there is a way he will have to go for counseling and yet not get into major trouble. Does anyone know what sort of procedure schools usually have in situations like this? She does not want to be responsible for him, poor girl, but does not feel like she can just ignore it as she can see he is going downhill fast. It is made more complicated by the fact that he has major anger control issues and she does not want him to know she has talked to the RA as he can be pretty nasty. Any suggestions?</p>
<p>This is a tough situation. I am not sure what would be best. My best friend suffered from anorexia sophomore year & I called her parents (OOS) to let them know. She was furious about that (although she later recovered & thanked me) - I can only imagine how much more upset your D’s ex would be if she told about him drinking - since it’s not simply dangerous, but illegal. Would she be comfortable alerting his parents? I don’t know it that’s best, but it’s the best I’ve got.</p>
<p>I’m aware that this is going to sound harsh. Because of this guy’s anger issues, if she were my daughter I would tell her to stay away from him and not get involved. Their relationship is history and it’s best that she cut the strings and move on with her life. Stay away.</p>
<p>It is a tough situation. Due to the anger issue, I would be very wary advising her to tell the RA or the parents. The RA is a student and info like “who told” could get out, putting her in danger. Regarding the parents, I know so many parents who are in denial and get quite defensive. I would suggest she go to the campus counseling office as they would have to be confidential, therefore protecting your daughter. I am sure they have had to handle cases like this. Your daughter needs to be be relieved from being responsible for this young man by handing it over to an adult in the counseling center. Good luck and be grateful your daughter was smart enough to move on.</p>
<p>Nysmile has a good point. It could get really ugly. While she wants to help, the reality is that alcoholics can’t be helped unless they want to be helped. If someone might be able to reach him, that would be good … but if no one is, he may make life miserable (or worse) for your D.</p>
<p>She considered contacting his parents. He does not have a good relationship with them or respect them at all (which I think stems from problems he has rather than them being a problem) so she is not sure if that would help - though as I pointed out they do have control of the purse strings). She talked to different RA that is a friend of hers and asked him hypothetically if he would want to be told if it was someone in his dorm and what he would do. He seems helpful so she is going to discuss it with him some more and try and figure out what to do. It is a very tricky situation.</p>
<p>Talking to the RA probably wouldn’t hurt. Just express her concern so the RA can be aware/look out for the guy.</p>
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She is trying very hard to do just that. Unfortunately he still calls and texts her especially when he is drunk so it is proving difficult. She has started having to put her phone on silent or turn it off at night. </p>
<p>She is hoping if she can express her concern to the RA he can look into the situation himself and not bring her into it. If the RA were the friend she has asked advice from it would probably work that way - but she is not sure how the RA in question will act. </p>
<p>Some of the warnings raised about how he might react towards her if he finds out she is the one who talked to the RA are something that concerns me. </p>
<p>The suggestion about the campus counseling office is something I may pass on to her. I just hope he would be given a chance to do something about it and not just thrown out though. </p>
<p>Odd really - i do not like this boy at all - in fact I really dislike him as he made her (and by extension our) life pretty miserable. And yet i don’t want to see him sink his future.</p>
<p>Perhaps the RA that is friends with her could be the go between with the other RA, keeping your daughter anonymous. As far as the counseling office, I believe they would not be able to impose administrative sanctions. Check the school website, the counseling center’s mission and parameters might be found there.</p>
<p>I’ll say it again. Stay away and tell her to cut the strings. Their relationship is history and she should have moved on by now. Suggest that she tell her RA to be on the lookout for this guy if she sees him roaming around in her dorm or on her floor. Tell her to block him from reading her Facebook account by using the privacy settings. Tell her to have her cell phone with her at all times and turned on. Based on what you’ve mentioned, if she doesn’t start butting out of this guy’s life and moving on, she’s in the middle of a recipe for disaster. For her safety, tell her to move on and stop all contact with him.</p>
<p>Rather than being concerned about this guy, switch the concern towards your daughter. This is about her life. Teach her not to play the martyr role. Make sure she works on her self esteem. Help her to see the pattern she’s setting up in her life. Don’t be that battered woman who keeps going back because she thinks she can “change him.” It’s time to teach her to take control of HER life. This guy should have been history long ago.</p>
<p>I agree with nysmile. The young man sounds potentially very dangerous. Yes, he is making bad choices, but she is not responsible for him, and his anger problems could place her into danger should she try to intervene. She needs to stay as far away from him as possible.</p>
<p>I agree with the posters. It is not her problem and for her to get involved is liable to get her even more involved. The only thing I can see that may be done is for her to shut her mouth about him, but let the counseling center know. The counselors there are professionals, will keep it confidential and are trained to deal with this sort of situation with all of its complicity. The RA is a student earning free board who cannot be expected to deal with problems like this.</p>
<p>My D had a similar problem, but it was far less severe as she and the ex were both in high school. But somehow he was finding alcohol, and drunk texting and calling her over breaks and on weekends. I came SO close to calling his parents several times, and I still think that maybe I should have. Eventually she began contacting his friends when he was drunk-messaging her, just to be sure that someone was taking care of him, but after my repeated advice she finally stopped responding to him. When he would start calling or texting, she turned her phone off.</p>
<p>Hate to say it, but if your D’s ex still harbors anger toward her, the best to do may be to do nothing. It may be a bid to get her attention, to get her to “rescue” him. Or he may just have much bigger problems than she can solve. If she feels she must do something, she could speak to his RA, on the condition of anonymity. He will probably eventually do something stupid when he’s drunk and bring himself to the attention of the college authorities anyway.</p>
<p>(Eventually my D’s ex straightened up and met someone new, and things got much better).</p>
<p>I understand the argument that this is not her problem. However, if he is still fixated on her, as he seems to be, than his continued drinking can put her in danger even if she does nothing. He’s already calling and texting at inappropriate times, even though she has tried to stay away from him. If he keeps drinking, this behavior could escalate. In that respect, it may very well be in her best interest to alert some people to the problem.</p>
<p>I agree, Desp, but another kid is not the answer. The problem is also your daughter’s if he is stalking her, and yes, that is what it is. She needs to go to someone who can deal with the situation. The RA may be brought into the matter for your D’s protection, but it should be a trained, informed adult who does this. The training most RAs get would not be adequate for this sort of thing. I feel even trained psychologists may have problems in dealing with the situation. </p>
<p>My close friend had a very bad situation where her D’s roommate had a boyfriend who was abusive and stalking. It was frightening enough that she moved D out into her own place and away from the situation. She did not want her even near the young man. She also let the school know. Well, not much was done, and a scary incident did occur which had the young lady and her former boyfriend both removed from the school. It can escalate very quickly. </p>
<p>I would even consider doing a term abroad to get away until things cool off. These scenes really scare me. Though I have only boys, I have seen some crazy things with these boy/girl abuse scenes. Strange, as my experience from my college days did not have any of these things.</p>
<p>I am thinking that the calls and texts at inappropriate times are just the thing to get him the help he needs.
Next time he calls have her tell him, or text so she has a record, and in no uncertain terms, that if he calls again she will contact the campus police. The she should do just that each time he calls.
She does need to let go of the notion of not getting him into trouble; he’s doing that fine by himself.</p>
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Being thrown out may be what he needs to realize he has a problem.</p>
<p>I agree your daughter needs to cut him off, but also to protect herself. One of my high school classmates was murdered by her ex-boyfriend in college. She needs to be very, very careful.</p>
<p>I want to emphasize the importance of your D’s cutting contact with the ex, and letting her RA and friends know to not do things like let him into her room. </p>
<p>I know a young woman who was shot – luckily not fatally – by a mentally disturbed ex. I know some other women who were stalked and attacked by unbalanced ex boyfriends. </p>
<p>Unfortunate as the boyfriend’s situation is, it’s not your D’s responsibility to fix it. She needs to make sure that she is safe. An ex with an anger and drinking problem could be dangerous to her.</p>
<p>I used to be involved in the treatment of alcoholics and other substance abusers. I agree with others that if he gets kicked out of school, that may be the wake-up call that he needs to turn his life around. Most people with substance abuse problems don’t quit until their substance abuse problems cause problems that cause them pain.</p>
<p>That’s what concerns me. She needs to talk to counseling to find out what she can do to first of all protect herself. There should be some procedures in place at the school. I think I would call as a parent too after she talks to the counselor and she should tell the counselor to expect the call and to share the infor. This can be a very serious matter.</p>
<p>I agree that she should stay as far away as possible. </p>
<p>She absolutely should not contact his parents.</p>
<p>She could get a different cell phone number or block his number.</p>
<p>If he threatens her imo she should tell the city police, not just the campus police, immediately.</p>
<p>An out-of-control ex from a year ago is not her responsibility.</p>
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<p>Being thrown out might well be the best thing for him. But that is not your concern.</p>
<p>Edit: cross-posted!</p>