DS at BS bullied wants to drop out

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
21

As I read the advice about advocating for himself, I really feel obligated to respond. Definitely, in the course of any discussions you have, your son needs to develop strategies for dealing with this that work for him. Indeed, one of the things that many of the programs at colleges for first-gen students do is talk about how to have conversations about money-- from room decorating, going out to eat, etc. – that honor their financial realities. But remember that those programs also offer a community who are facing these issues as well.

So yes, there will be work for him to do. And yes, it is possible that your son may be able to develop and implement a successful, empowering strategy to deal with the bullying. However, it’s really important to understand that someone who is being bullied is already being belittled and in some ways “separated from the herd”. If you tell your son he can resolve this on his own and he in fact cannot despite his efforts, he will be further ashamed and belittled. And he may not tell you about it because he’ll feel like he’s failed and that he’s let you down too. So unless you have a really good plan and you are sure that he’ll keep you in the loop, I would not advocate for asking him to go this alone without talking to someone at the school. Given that your son is at the point that he wants to leave school, it probably has gone too far,. If it were my child, I’d also like to be sure that this wasn’t interfering with academics.

I would, in my meeting with the school, state that you’d like him to handle this on his own as much as possible but that you need their advice and support. They probably understand the lay of the land better than either you or your son. I’ve been thinking about you a lot, and a couple of things surfaced for me. First, if as you note, other boys are piling on, it sounds like there may be one or two boys who are behind this and that others are joining them as a means of not being targeted themselves. In other words, there are a couple of real bullies involved and then a gaggle of cowards. If this is the case, the school really should be monitoring what the real bullies are up to. They can be completely toxic to a community.

The other thing that I’d ask the administration – in order to help your son develop a strategy – is what other activities the school offers that are costless. If he can’t afford to take an Uber into town and hang out at Starbucks (or whatever they do in town!), there should be other things he can do that are free. Many schools have worked really hard to have “diversity” (including SES diversity) yet have done quite poorly on the inclusion front. (I read something from a committee that was working on this issue at one of the highly selective colleges often mentioned on these boards that noted among other things, they had a culture that “normalized affluence”.) A school that wants to include students who have less to spend will have activities that are appealing and free. Perhaps the school van goes into town or to a park that has hiking trails or Frisbee golf, the gym is open for free play, there are movies in the student commons, there’s a karaoke night – anything that allows a group of students to choose an activity together that doesn’t’ require them to reach for their wallets (and with a little luck, is preferred to the activities requiring a wallet!). You should ask about what is available so that you can counsel him on how to respond when the kids are going into town. It’s fine for him to say “I don’t have money for a trip into town so am planning on staying on campus for the manhunt game” or whatever. It’s honest, it doesn’t make him seem forlorn, it leaves an opening for someone to pay for him, and it allows the others to join him. But if the school doesn’t have many of those opportunities, it really is segregating him and making it difficult. While you may not be successful in getting them to think about this, it will help you and your son understand what his options are and what may be realistic in term of expectations.

Please keep us posted and good luck.

22

Your story makes my blood boil. The dean said, “this is normal. We’ll handle it.” I’m sorry but this is not normal. IMHO, the dean’s response speaks to the quality of this school. Is there something wrong with your home public school? I believe it is a myth that all private schools are better than all public schools. Its really a very individual as well as fit sort of thing. If it were me, I’d get my son out of that place. He is just a child and the school is clearly not the quality it should be. To me, not the fact that bullying happened, but their response and lack of care. Again, it is just my opinion but I do believe most private schools cater to those who pay and donate.

23

Bulling is in public schools too, possibly even more than in private schools

https://ink.niche.com/school-bullying-report-card/

I think what the dean said is that it has happened often, and they can and will handle it. Chance is, they are better equipped to handle it than public schools just because they have higher faculty to student ratio, and faculty who supervise them 24 hours.

It’s a grave matter and I suggest you to follow it up carefully, and pull the student out if it doesn’t work. But I would give the school a chance first.

24

^Plus they can deal with it by kicking a kid out if needed, something virtually impossible at public school.

I agree with @SculptorDad that public schools can be just as bad if not worse.

25

Right now I have one in public school and one at BS. The differences between the two are immense! We have a top rated public school system- my youngest in PS has over 1200 kids in his elementary. Our public high school has over 3000 students. Bullying is a major problem. They just don’t have the resources or authority to handle it.

26

The first step he could take is to sacrifice some independent sport time to hang out on campus. It’s easy to “other” someone who’s not present. I suspect some of the students participating in the name calling are 1) afraid they’ll be a target if they don’t participate, and 2) envious of your son’s success.

As a parent, I would worry about both genders taking part in the name calling and insults. I would also wonder whether the adults on campus have heard the unprintable nickname? Also, is there any social media action going on? Downloading and printing out such threads can move the discussion beyond “he said/they said.” (Unfortunately, adept bullies are very good at functioning below the adult radar.)

Wanting to leave a school due to class-based social bullying (which this sounds like) is a rational response. The deans may well have experience getting entitled brats to change their ways, but you should be (politely) clear to the adults that this is not your son’s fault.

If the sport he plays off campus is a sport the school offers, he should play for the school, not an outside team. If it’s a sport he can only play off campus, is it a year round sport? It may be that he will choose the sport over the school. That’s a family decision.

27

this sounds really hard. The suggestions about getting your son to change his activities a little bit could help, but I think this is one for adults to address, especially because he actually lives at the school – imagine feeling bullied inside your home. I agree with the person that recommended appearing, in person, at the school to speak with the dean. You definitely should have two people from the school at the meeting. You can ensure this by saying that you want the houseparent or other specific adult there too, for their perspective. In addition, I would put NO details of the bullying in writing, unless you happen to be an attorney or someone that knows how to do that. I would have the entire conversation face to face, or by phone. Follow up with an email that simply says you appreciate the opportunity to meet with X and Y to discuss bullying at the school. Finally when you go to the meeting, you might want to bring an unrelated adult with you, as an advocate for your son. It’s much harder to play the “crazy parent” card if there is someone outside the family that thinks it important enough to come along with you. I hope I don’t sound hysterical. I say these things from experience with public school, not private school but i think they are even more important for private school. I wouldn’t give the scholarship status even a second’s thought. A student at the school is part of the BS family. Good luck to you!

28

I don’t necessarily disagree with @thingamajig’s advice however if I felt that I needed to take those steps to protect my child and my family and that the school was going to put up roadblocks or be unhelpful rather than being cooperative and a straight-dealing part of the solution, frankly I would not want my child in that environment any longer.

29

I think it is far too early to assume the school is or would start throwing up roadblocks. It is perhaps unfortunate that the dean only said “this is normal, we’ll handle it.” That could mean anything. What it is most likely to mean is that they’ve seen this sort of stuff start in freshmen before, and that they know how to nip it in the bud.

Children arrive at schools bringing the values they’ve learned from other places. It’s not only in math that some students may need to catch up. Boarding schools are very good at teaching values. In the worst case, schools do have the power to send students home.

30

@Periwinkle , YES!! It could have been meant to assure the parent, not to brush them off. Thanks for that.

31

I just went back and looked at the original post, and it seems that the dean’s comment about “this is normal, we’ll deal with it” was in response to the kid’s desire to leave school. It sounds like the kid has only discussed the bullying with the parents, not with the dean. So even less reason to assume that the school won’t have an appropriate reaction once they learn of it. I have a very hard time imagining any private school that gives financial aid condoning (even implicitly) full pay students making nasty comments about FA students’ financial status. Certainly the schools with which I am most familiar would view such comments no differently than they would inappropriate comments about race or ethnicity, which is to say that disciplinary action would be involved. And @icaruswings, I totally get that your son would be mortified to have other kids find out that he’d gotten the bullies into trouble, but you might want to point out to him that it’s very unlikely that he’s the only person they’ve ever tormented, and that in fact there may be many kids who would be grateful to him for speaking up. I think it’s easier to do something hard (like reporting bullies) if you think you’re helping others in your situation, than if it’s just for yourself.

32

So sorry to hear of your child’s struggles. Just a few observations as a mom of 2 prep school grads and longtime employee at one.

Our school established a special fund to provide for the needs of high-need students…ranging from providing small weekly allowances, to dental care, to buying winter coats and sports items. You might ask the Financial Aid Office if such a fund exists. A little pocket money to buy pizza or go to a movie can make all the difference.

I’d also suggest that you encourage your child to get involved in activities completely different than sports. Stage crew or the TV station or the yearbook or a service organization…meet different kinds of kids. Sometimes finding just one 'bestie" can change the school experience.

If your family can’t afford a wardrobe refresh, contact the guidance counselor. They might use the development office as a resource, for example. At our school we regularly did quiet clothing roundups from families of graduated kids (dress code clothes, winter stuff for kids from warm climates) or found the $ to shop for a few new items. With affluence all around a student, it can be daunting for a family to ask for help, but most administrators at these schools will generally jump to help in a gracious and keep it private.

A final thought is that most kids value honesty highly. They also value struggle, because EVERY kid struggles with something. I think that the kids who talk about their “story” and circumstances in an honest way with their peers and advisors will find common ground and respect. When my kids were in school, they highly regarded and befriended kids who “struggled” (it was a preferred way of describing peers) with modest family circumstances, or with math, or with social interactions—and they really noticed and valued these kids’ hard work and efforts to meet the struggle with strength and resolve. Remember also that “diversity” means more than ethnic backgrounds and socio-economic status. The best kind of diversity at private schools can be the broad range of thinking about and experiencing the shared school experience.

I wish you and your child the very best as you navigate this difficult time.

33

While I don’t have any great advice I do think you should be proud that your son is telling you what is happening, that is a good start. Since the conversation with the school may be challenging or emotional you might be well served having someone else with you. Best of luck and let us know how it turns out for your family.

34

@icaruswings, are you able to update us? Have been thinking about you and your son.

35

Just to be clear there is a big difference between “ribbing” and bullying. Your son is being bullied and that shouldn’t be minimized. I will say the idea that this kid has to change himself so he won’t be a target is a little bit much. Kids making comments about his clothing/money and calling him an UNPRINTABLE name are the ones that need to change and that can only happen if the administration is fully aware of what has happened and willing to do something about this.

36

I am so sorry to hear about this terrible situation. I went to Andover some 20_ years ago, and I found the atmosphere incredibly inclusive, non-cliquey, and no bullying. Andover has a range of students – some poor, some rich, and all different colors.

I would think that schools these days would be VERY responsive to parent complaints about bullying, considering some schools are now seeing repercussions of not acting correctly or swiftly in past sexual misconduct situations.

I hope you have talked with school administrators, and have reiterated any phone calls by email so you have a paper trail. (Ex. “Hi, Dean So-and-so. I am just emailing to reiterate the 3 points we discussed today about X, Y, and Z. Please let me know if you disagree.”

I hope the situation has improved.