Help! Freshman in BS struggling...Tough Love or Pull the Plug?

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
1

I hate to throw in this question from a worried parent amidst the excitement about admissions…my child, whom we thought was thriving at her BS the first term and half, now appears to be struggling socially and mentally at the beginning of her spring term. In her first term and a half, she hit her stride quickly, never expressing homesickness, making several close friends almost immediately, exceling in classes and even slightly enjoying a team sport (she’s not an athlete). However, towards the middle/end of second term, she began to mention being sad, overwhelmed, having anxiety, and not “fitting in” with most of her class, which she describes as cliquey and disappointed that she had nothing in common with them. She cried most of the night before returning to school from spring break and hasn’t seemed to bounce back in over a week. She’s even stopped texting or calling us at night before bedtime which, of course, worried us even more. In short, by her own admission, this BS, which she was thrilled to attend last fall, was not what she expected, and she is having trouble feeling motivated in class and feels no bond with most in the freshman class. In our last tear-filled conversation she even went so far as to say that she can’t see doing this for another three years, especially as academics get even more intense in 10th and 11th grades.

She’s been to the school counselor a couple times but doesn’t seem to have described in detail most of what I’ve described above. Instead she wants to put on a happy face and hasn’t shared any of this with her closest friends or advisor because, in her words, she really doesn’t have any “real problems” compared to some friends and will just sound “whiney.” And she doesn’t feel that sharing it with anyone will help, anyways. For the past several weeks, while she’s been at school, her mood seems to oscillate from general sadness, anxiety about test in a subject she’s weak in, or social anxiety about not fitting into her class to “I had an okay day, but I don’t know when things will get bad again.” There probably hasn’t been truly joy-filled moments since mid-January.

Would appreciate any advice from BS veterans out there. Or even those experienced with teenagers in general. Our dilemma is, how much longer do we let this go on before we pull the plug and just say, “maybe it’s best you come home”. Or, when is it most appropriate to practice some tough love and say, “this is part of BS, everyone struggles, and you need to challenge yourself to overcome this with the school’s and our help, and we promise you will be stronger on the other side?”

2

I would start by reaching out to the adults who know her best and see her most, likely her dorm teacher and adviser, as well as the school counselor. If they know there are issues, they can reach out to your daughter and offer support. They can also offer you an eyes-on-the ground assessment of how things are going.

Good luck! My senior has had her struggles. Feel free to pm me.

3

Way to soon to be considering pulling the plug, imho. She could just as easily be feeling the exact same way if she was at home and attending s local school. Have you spoken to her advisor? It didn’t sound as though you had, from your description of the situation. I’d be on the phone with her advisor immediately, as well as with the dorm faculty. These are presumably the adults who see and talk to her most often, and are in the best position to give you a read on how things are going, including on a daily basis if that seems warranted. Also, while I don’t mean to minimize her issues at all, sometimes kids save their unhappiness for their parents and we hear the bad stuff and none of the good stuff. These teachers have lived through a lot of kids having all kinds of different issues, and they’ll probably be able to tell if she’s just putting on a brave face to them or if maybe things aren’t really as dire as you’re hearing from her. If you don’t get immediate satisfaction from talking to her advisor and/or dorm fac (meaning that they take your concerns seriously, seem knowledgeable about what’s going on with her, and promise to have some serious discussions with her and then report back to you), then I would very quickly elevate to others – class dean, counselor at the health center, etc.

4

@sudsie and @soxmom I have spoken to her advisor and she mentioned observing a bit of sadness, but again, I really do think my DD puts on a brave face for her so her advisor doesn’t seem terribly concerned yet. And we did both encourage her to visit the school counselor which is why she went a couple of times already. Also, in the middle of all this, her 2nd term grades actually stayed strong and even improved in a few subjects so she seems to be able to handle the academic stress fairly well.

Honestly I just can’t tell if this is classic teenage mood swings (switching from everything is negative to positive in a matter of hours or a day) or if we really should be worried that there’s more underlying issues she’s just not sharing with us. We have never seen her experience this much “melancholy” and negativity for such a prolonged period of time. She’s typically pretty upbeat and stoic, never really struggled emotionally in junior high.

5

I’d give her the term and talk to her in the summer, then come to a conclusion as a family. If she truly is unhappy, then pull her out. But give her some time to process.

6

I suggest you call and talk to the school counselor. Tell the counselor what you are hearing. The counselor can talk with your daughter some more (encourage your daughter to open up and be completely honest about what is bothering her). These counselors have seen and heard a lot. They are familiar with the range of emotions, anxiety, and depression these teens can feel in boarding school and will, hopefully, help your daughter and you decide if it is something in passing that can be addressed and how to address it, or something best dealt with by a change in setting. Open communication between you and the adults in her school community will be best in addressing her unhappiness. In my experience, advisors can be of limited use in this area, hence my recommendation to talk to the counselor directly but you can keep the advisor in the loop about it. If nothing else, it can be cathartic for your daughter and you to talk to the counselor who is a professional well versed in boarding school communities and their issues.

It can be hard when you don’t see your child at the dinner table every night and can take a reading on their mood. It’s nice that your daughter has felt comfortable opening up to you.

7

Also, keep in mind that for some kids, homesickness doesn’t really hit until after the extended winter break, when the newness wears off.

8

From your description, it sounds like there may have been some sort of trigger episode or event that has not been fully revealed or explained. It could be highly personal to her relating to a relationship (romantic and/or sexual) with a boy or a girl that ended badly that she doesn’t want to share with mom and dad, resulting in her feeling ostracized or rejected. It could have been a terrible interaction with a teacher, perhaps. Or, something as mundane as overhearing a group of kids who she thought were friends say unkind things behind her back, which can be a real blow.

I would continue try to get more information from her adviser, her dorm parent, and the school counselor. Has her dorm parent or adviser discussed this with her prefect? There may some valuable feedback there more at the peer level.

There are certainly exceptions, but I generally advocate for staying in BS for at least two years. Lots of kids don’t really get their sea legs until Spring of sophomore year.

9

I agree with all of the above posters. I would be on the phone with the counselor telling her what you are hearing. The best thing is for her to work through it and come out on the other side. Not to minimize how she is feeling, but its true that things can happen at home/ day school too at this time in their lives. You didn’t mention if you feel like the school really is a bad fit for her for some reason, if that is the case perhaps thats worth exploring but I think you should be in regular contact with the counselor and encouraging your daughter to speak openly with the adults there about how she is really feeling.

10

There is a tendency for children to call home, dump all their worries on their parents (usually the mom), then go about their merry way, leaving mom stewing in worry. That has happened to me more than once.

You wrote:

I would worry more (but I don’t know your daughter) if she were constantly texting or calling you in tears. With our kids in school (and college), very often “no news is good news.”

Are you close enough to visit? It might help to visit campus, take her out to dinner, bring some pretty flowers for her room. If she’s in the Northeast, it has been cold and wintry for much longer than normal. That can affect moods–I know I’m feeling the effects.

Does her school separate student housing by grade? Right around this time is usually the rooming lottery. The most intense time for the lottery is freshman year, especially for girls. They have to officially choose roommates–and officially not choose other people. That can lead to hurt feelings, and of course freshmen are the least mature group on campus. (in college too.)

So I’d suggest you reach out to her advisor, and frame your daughter’s concerns as, “she’s worried about next year, how can I reassure her about the social and academic challenges of sophomore year?” Many schools house freshmen separately, but then put all grades together in following years. That could be a big help–remind her that she is not limited to having friends in her grade. Next year, there will be new freshmen, and she will likely have upperclassmen in her dorm who may be less cliquey. (I hear that at some schools the students progress from cliquey to not cliquey with time. By graduation, she could be very close to girls she does not fit in with right now.)

One more thought: does she talk with the boys? Sometimes girls can have social stuff going on to which the boys are entirely oblivious. I don’t mean try to get a boyfriend, more like, talk to a male member of her class at lunch.

tl;dr, in your place, I would assume she is just going through a challenging period, which is normal. I would assume she would continue at her school, unless she expresses a firm reason not to return. Send her something silly and fun in the mail, with a personal, handwritten note of love.

11

My own daughter left her boarding school two years ago. She had been unhappy for months and often called me in tears. Like your daughter, she felt that the other girls were cliquish and no one would talk to her. Her advisor told me that she didn’t seem especially unhappy, and her grades were fine. She didn’t have roommate issues. She had a best friend. Home was not far away, so she could come home often.

We tried very hard to talk her into staying, but she insisted on leaving. Now, two years later, she would be the first to tell you that leaving was a huge mistake. She misses her boarding school friends very much. She is still Facebook friends with most of them, and they communicate on Instagram, Snapchat, etc., but the school ties were cut, and she is no longer a true peer with them.

She is now in public school (after a stint in a local private school, which I pulled her from for reasons that had nothing to do with her), and she’s doing all right, but she is not having a memorable high school experience. We often discuss her decision to leave her boarding school, and she freely admits that she wishes she were there. (She contacted the admissions office last year, but they were full and didn’t expect any vacancies.) She will be applying to college next year, and she is well aware that she would be far more likely to be admitted to her dream colleges with a diploma from “ABC Boarding School” than from “XYZ Public School.” It has been a hard lesson.

My advice to your daughter would be to STAY THE COURSE. There is great value in making a careful, wise decision and then staying with it, through the good times and bad. Unless there is a very compelling reason for your child to leave her boarding school, she should stick it out – it will give her practice in dealing with future situations, from an unhelpful boss to an up-and-down marriage. Running away from a good school over feelings which are SO transient would probably be a big mistake for her, as it was for my child.

12

WorriedBSParent wrote:

Have you considered sending her to a psychiatrist? Sounds like evaluating depression, anxiety or bipolar disorder might be warranted. Especially if the symptoms have been present for a while.

13

I would listen to her–think about the length of her misgivings-and give her some choices and allow her to pull out if she wishes. Give her a choice of smaller schools for the fall. I would not make her stay in the boarding school. She does not seem very interested anymore and it sounds a bit too painful for her to stay. It sounds like she has given it a good try and she has been a good sport about it all. I think there is a cycle that most kids go through when it comes to boarding schools but she may need a break and time to regroup.

14

I know every situation is different. And we have been consulting the school counselor in past 3 weeks. Is there a “rule of thumb” on how long the situation should go on before you alert psychiatric resources about more serious issues like depression, anxiety, etc.? My conservative estimate is that she’s been feeling down for about 6-8 weeks now.

15

Why not give her pediatrician a call and see what they have to say on this? That would give you an additional data point to whatever the school counselor is telling you.

16

I would have no problem with having the school help you find a local therapist and have your daughter seen by them.

17

I’m not a BS parent, just a mom of 3 public school kids and a high school teacher in a local high school. But I came across this thread and want to offer my 2 cents anyway. Feel free to ignore, as I have a feeling I’m going to sound alarmist.

Your daughter sounds very unhappy. Whether or not that unhappiness has crossed the line to depression is impossible to know from a single thread, but that’s a real possibility.

But the fact that she has stopped texting/calling would concern me. It seems that kids who start to retreat into their heads can be the ones we should be worrying most about. I would be less concerned if she called every day with an assortment of good/bad days, even if the bad outweighed the good. At least them you would know what was going on.

Is there any way you could have a conference call with her and her advisor at the same time? Those concerns she expressed to you ARE important enough for her school counselor to know about, and your daughter needs to know that.

If not, then I say you talk to the counselor and lay all the cards on the table. Let him/her know exactly what’s going on with your daughter. There should be someone there keeping an eye on her mental health, and that can’t happen if the people at school don’t know there’s an issue. Whether or not the counselor lets your daughter about the discussion can be sorted out later.

Being 15 is brutal in any setting. But it’s particularly tough when you feel alone, with no friends. The overwhelming, vast majority make it through unscathed.

But for those few who don’t, it’s always possible to look back and see warning signs that, at the time, appeared to be minor.

I’m not suggesting that you “pull the plug” on Boarding School-- as I said, I have no knowledge of that sort of schooling. But I do suggest, strongly, that someone at school know what you’ve written here.

I once asked our pediatrician (at 10 pm on a Sunday night, of course) whether or not the problem was serious enough to warrant a trip to the ER. His answer has guided me through many a tough parenting decision in the years since: “If you have to ask, then the answer is absolutely YES.”

You know your daughter. You know her moods. And yet you’re concerned enough to ask a bunch of strangers whether or not you should be concerned. “If you have to ask, then the answer is absolutely YES.”

18

BJKMOM-- you are on target. You don’t sound alarmist at all–just sensible. Like you, I have experience in the public schools. My kids were in public school through middle school and then went to boarding schools. Boarding school life was very unfamiliar to me. These threads have been great and guided me through the admissions process and so much more. I find this thread very helpful. I have watched both of my kids go through a process during their first year in boarding school. I was prepared as one thread helped me when one of my kids was a little sad and then another overwhelmed. I understand now that there are cycles of stress that the kids encounter but should recover from. I am a bit more prepared now for the unexpected because of the wonderful parents who contribute their advice. I rarely respond on CC. However, when I read the mother’s post in this thread concerning her daughter, I was worried. The fact that the daughter is putting on a “good face” concerns me greatly as I am very familiar with that “good face” from my experience with students. That “good face” can hide a lot. That good face is deceptive. I think taking that young lady out of that school will relieve enough of her pressure and stress that she can regroup, get professional help and find herself again. I would not keep my child in that situation. I also sense that something has happened with friendships, a relationship, etc. that has caused this young lady to withdraw into her head. This is not “pull the plug.” As a parent, you are not “pulling the plug.” You are giving her a “lifeline” by pulling her and allowing her to get some professional help and to find herself again.

19

I realized a long time ago that my husband and I are the only advocates my kids have. And that, as much as it’s sometimes hard to see, I need to advocate for what they need, not for what I think or wish or hoped they would need.

I personally thing this young lady needs help. If that means pulling her out of boarding school and into a setting where she can be more comfortable, or switching boarding schools, or switching dorms, or something else, I don’t know.

But I’ve seen far too many kids keep “small” thing inside until they became major, life altering things.

20

A pediatrician or therapist is a good start. However both would probably recommend follow up by a psychiatrist anyway. Some psychiatric conditions can be diagnosed after having symptoms for 2 weeks, others longer.

http://www.healthline.com/health/bipolar-disorder/bipolar-diagnosis-guide#TestingforBipolar1

Has she been seen by the on campus doctor? They may also recommend some routine labs.