<p>As a senior leaving for college next fall, my parents are understandably upset sometimes. My mom's already had a few crying spells since I'm her only child. As parents, I thought it'd be best to ask you for advice. I guess I just want to make sure I give my parents comfort or something before I leave permanently. </p>
<p>What are some ways your kids have eased the pain and ended their senior years well? Any tips, stories, etc?</p>
<p>First of all avoid using the phrase “leave permanently”. :)</p>
<p>Of course you’ll come back over breaks when you can, over the summer… at least for the first year or two. That’s the thing to remind your parents of, not that you’re leaving permanently.</p>
<p>Also, let your parents have their feelings, and also understand that it’s part of their process in this transition. It’s not about you, it’s about them. It’s about changes, about aging, about something as basic as HOME being different all of a sudden.</p>
<p>When my last kid left for college, it was truly weird for a while. But in not-too-long a time your parents will realize it’s okay. They may even find they are able to do things and enjoy things in a different way with their parenting load lightening up. (You don’t need to tell them that, they’ll figure it out.)</p>
<p>Mostly just let them know you love them, you’re grateful for all they’ve done and continue to do for you, and how excited you are about the opportunities ahead. The one thing more dear to a parent than having their beloved children around is knowing their beloved children are happy and progressing in their lives.</p>
<p>I agree with 'rentof2 about the “permanently” thing. Don’t say that. In fact, it might help to remind them that you’ll be home for a month at Christmas, then 3 months in the summer (if that will be the case for you), so really you will only be gone 2/3 of the year.</p>
<p>It also wouldn’t hurt to say, “I’m going to miss you, too”. Oh yeah, and call every day for awhile after you leave. ;)</p>
<p>Instead of fleeing like bats out of hell or spending their final days before college only with their friends, both of my sons took some time to be with their dad and me before they left. Before older S left, he rented some of his favorite films that the rest of the family hadn’t seen, and we watched them together. He also treated me to a restaurant dinner and went to a sports game with his dad.</p>
<p>Younger S built in family time, too, and he made cookies from scratch for us. </p>
<p>One thing that my kids didn’t do that I would have liked would have been if they had spent some time reminiscing about good times we’d had together. It would have been nice if they’d been interested in looking at old photo albums together. However, neither son was interested in doing that. I’m wondering if girls are more likely to do that than are guys.</p>
<p>NSM, I didn’t want to look at old photo albums. As much as I really wanted to leave home, it was hard and that kind of thing would have made it harder still. </p>
<p>modestanarchist, You are such a nice person to want to help your parents. Your good heart will serve you well in life. I am also the mother of an only child who is a Senior in high school. I’ve had my crying spells as well and my husband has joined in a few times.</p>
<p>Just to give you the parental perspective, it’s a strange time of my life. I’m so proud of my kid and excited for his future, but at the same time I’m nervous. The last time my husband and I lived alone as a couple was 18 years ago, we were different people then and negotiating change in relationships, even good ones, is difficult work. So, we’ll have to figure that out while also trying to figure out how to be the parents of an adult child. To further complicate it, we’ll be parenting an adult child who will we still be financially supporting. That’s probably all true in your family as well.</p>
<p>So, what do I want from my child? That’s a tough one to put into words. I know what I don’t want; I don’t want him to feel responsible for me. These are big life changes and you are old enough to notice/participate in them now. Just like most parents are trying to do with their children, I’d urge you to have patience with your parents. Know that if they hug a little longer or ask more questions it’s not because they don’t trust you but because they have fears connected to their diminishing ability to protect you. </p>
<p>Personally, I’m a sucker for little notes. Just today my son texted me; “I love you, Mom” for no reason. Those little “check ins” go far. Keep talking with your parents, let them feel involved. For the rest of their lives, the gift they will most want is time with your or a letter from or a picture of you. It can feel overwhelming while you strive to establish your own identity, but it is nice to know that at least two people in the world think you hung the moon and stars.</p>
<p>OP: I wish I had your parents lol. My parents basically pushed me out the door and said “don’t come back until Christmas”. We mostly communicate via facebook (status comments). </p>
<p>Many of my friends have eased into the transition by telling their parents that they would at least check in via phone or text every day (then slowly went to 2 days, etc). I have one girl from a few states away that has a permanent Skype date with her mom every Sunday night (it has only been her and her mom for 15 years, so the transition was very rough for both of them). Perhaps you could do something like that?</p>
<p>I found being able to call comforting. Freshman year, after the first month or so, Sunday was a good day to catch up. Before then, calls were more frequent. I also found buying him things and sending care packages helped and he liked getting them.
If you aren’t too far, maybe she can schedule a lunch or dinner date? I can’t express how happy my son was to see us a month into school, when we dropped off some things and took him to lunch. (adjusting to the school food took a while)
I also remember my son encouraging me to train for a race that was in a few months…I think he knew that if I had something else to focus on, my mind wouldn’t be centering on him as much and it gave us something to share since he liked running also. My friend who had an only child going to school, trained with me, and she also volunteered more and liked having new things to write about and share.
It’s hard, but it does get easier. I really enjoyed my son’s company and it made his visits home happy and less stressful than for some students. Your mom will adjust to a new schedule, just be understanding during the weaning process. : )</p>
<p>It’s not permanent. Permanent comes later (but don’t mention that to your parents now).</p>
<p>You can tell your parents that experienced parents (us) have told you that freshmen don’t cut off their connections with their parents as dramatically as some high school seniors and their parents expect. </p>
<p>If both parents and students want it, there is often a lot of communication between them during the early part of college. Students have lots of things to talk about, and parents are interested. Parents are also a good source of information on events going on in the family and home community, and freshmen usually are still strongly tied to their homes, so they want to hear this news. (If a new pizzeria opens in your neighborhood or the family across the street moves away, you will want to know.) Communication doesn’t have to feel like an obligation, though. It can simply be a matter of sending a short e-mail whenever either of you has something interesting to say.</p>
<p>Students also contact their parents about practical matters (e.g., "I forgot my bathing suit; can you send it to me so I can use the pool here?), and parents do the same (e.g., “You got something in the mail from Aunt Mary; do you want me open it or forward it to you?”). And sometimes students want advice (e.g., “The campus pharmacy doesn’t carry my prescription medicine. What do you think I should do?”), need to work out changes in plans with their parents (e.g., “I want to switch to a different meal plan because my orchestra rehearsals conflict with dinner three times a week.”), or want to brag or complain in ways that nobody other than parents would tolerate (your roommate, who struggles to get Bs, is not going to want to hear you brag about getting an A plus or complain about getting an A minus; your parents will be willing to listen). </p>
<p>And of course, there are breaks, which freshmen usually spend at home because they want to see both their families and their high school friends. </p>
<p>So it really isn’t a permanent separation; it’s just a change.</p>
<p>It is true, though, that your parents will probably miss you more than you miss them. After all, you used to be home all the time; they are used to having you there and will notice your absence. But you are not accustomed to having them around at college; it’s a new environment for you, and you wouldn’t expect them to be there. Also, to be blunt, most parents are much more interested in the details of their kids’ lives than the kids are in the details of their parents’ lives. (They actually would like to hear details about your courses and your new friends; you, on the other hand, probably don’t care much about what’s happening at their jobs.)</p>
<p>So it’s nice that you’re sensitive to the issue. Many young people aren’t.</p>
<p>As a jr in HS my daughter did a year long exchange (no breaks home). I cried like a baby when she left. Like the others said, it was not all about her it was also me.
It was a transition and we both adjusted.
I was both sad and worried, sad because my baby was growing up and was leaving the house (although I knew she was ready) and also a little sad because I was getting older too (sort of “where does the time go”). I also was worried, would she make friends, fit in, study, wake up on time, fall in with the wrong crowd… would she be happy.
The phone calls at the start were once a day than tapered off to once a week - emails are good too, this way you don’t get “stuck” on the phone when you are busy. Just try to call once in a while just to say hi and not ask for something, LOL. </p>
<p>rent2 is right “Mostly just let them know you love them, you’re grateful for all they’ve done and continue to do for you, and how excited you are about the opportunities ahead. The one thing more dear to a parent than having their beloved children around is knowing their beloved children are happy and progressing in their lives.”
Also assure them that you’ll be OK and not to worry (even though they will) and if anything comes up you know they are there for you. </p>
<p>I like facebook and think it’s great - I can keep up to date with my nieces and nephews & it saves them time - they post once and all the relatives can see. I think I know more about them now than when they lived at home. If you don’t want to share your “real” facebook page setup another one that rated PG. For example my neice posted pictures of orientation - it was great to see all the faces, and made me happy, during a rough period she posted that she was stressed out, so I sent her a little care package. </p>
<p>It really is nice that you are sensitive to this - let your parents know that something like - “please don’t be sad - I know you will miss me, I’ll miss you too, don’t be worried, I know you are here for me”. That would make me feel better. </p>
<p>I think you are also going to have to let your parents know that sometimes you may be too busy to call & it does not mean you don’t love them but that you are studying/tired/in class… whatever. That was an adjustment for me - I sort of felt - what do you mean you are not just sitting by the phone and waiting for my call and have the time to drop everything you are doing to spend time on the phone with me - :). I know that was not realistic - for anyone - let alone a college student. Sometimes it’s hard. </p>
<p>Good Luck and enjoy!!!</p>
<p>Younger S created a college blog for his dad and me. He updates it about once a week. That’s a wonderful way to keep in touch.</p>
<p>Skype is good, too. My S is also an only child–being able to see his face and talk to him is wonderful.</p>
<p>Another mom of an only child here. My daughter is a college senior now and I remember well senior year of high school and my periodic tears. The best thing you can do is hug your mom, tell her you love her, and that you’ll be back. Tell her you’ll send her pictures of you and your dorm friends. Those pictures will help her to see that you’re happy and that’s really all a parent wants.</p>
<p>One thing that helped me too was being involved in helping her pick out things for her dorm room - comforter, organizers. It made me feel like a part of her transition.</p>
<p>The first semester was hardest for me. I missed her terribly but I found comfort in knowing that she was happy and finding her way. Don’t worry, though, mom will eventually get used to it and begin to find things to fill her time. I started doing more things for myself like a new haircut and color and shopping more for clothes for me (I used to spend more time shopping for DD). Now, quite honestly, I still love when she comes home but I enjoy having my time and space back when she goes back to school.</p>
<p>That’s really sweet of you to want to ease your mom’s pain and speaks highly of the relationship you have with your mom. Good luck to you in college! Quite an exciting time for you.</p>
<p>
Beautifully said.</p>
<p>We’re all going through it in our house; our son has been having some anxiety symptoms and has said that he thinks it’s a combination of delayed reaction to the stress of finishing his applications (aka “as soon as the rush is over I’m going to have a nervous breakdown”) and worry about the Big Change looming in the middle distance. We’re a close-knit trio, and separation is going to be an emotional challenge for all of us.</p>
<p>It can also be a challenge for the couple, as pugmadkate pointed out. Our son arrived at a time when our marriage was in a pretty rocky state. Parenting gave us a common focus that brought us together, but when he leaves the house, we are going to have some reinventing to do. Hopefully it will be the beginning of a great new chapter in our relationship, but it’s unknown territory, and that uncertainty brings added anxiety with it.</p>
<p>However, I think and hope that the stress will ease and be largely replaced by excitement once we know where he is going and the Big Change takes on some specificity. It won’t hurt that spring will come to Boston at around the same time the acceptances start rolling in. If we can just hang in there and keep our sanity till April…</p>
<p>ok–I am a parent–so</p>
<p>fwiw…it’s not the child’s job to help the parents with the transition—it’s the parent’s job to help the student with the transition</p>
<p>a parent is suppose to launch a healthy well adjusted kid…the independence should have been increasing over the last yr</p>
<p>so while as a student – you can do your part in some healthy ways–</p>
<p>– let your folks know how much you have appreciated their love, help and guidance etc. How you are looking forward to the new season in your life.</p>
<p>– be sure to leave your room cleaned–decluttered–etc. Learn about your bank accounts, laundrey etc now before your leave if you don’t already do that…</p>
<p>– spend some time with each of them as the spring and summer wind down.</p>
<p>– not act like you are getting out of prision (not saying you are–just that having a great attitude about your parents, home etc will be helpful)</p>
<p>If it would be part of your personality to do it–maybe write each of them a separate handwirtten note (you can draft it on a computer–but handwriting it on some nice paper will make it special) Let them know you love them, will miss them, maybe mention a quality about them (not something they do/pay for) …make it something about each of them that you appreciate (ie honesty, compassion, trustworthiness…) </p>
<p>Just some ideas here…
gotta tell ya truthfully–our student is a jr and I know I will be blinking the tears back as that days draws in our home…looking at what a fine young man he’s become and how proud I am of the privledge of being his mom… </p>
<p>It is very nice you care to help your parents and very nice that your folks will truly miss you…</p>
<p>You dear thing-- I doubt very many kids are thinking this way. (and like fogfog I don’t think it should be kid’s job) But the very fact that you bring it up here suggests to me that your parents need not worry-- they’ll miss you horribly, I’m sure! But they’ll be watching you grow and live out the life they’ve want for you, and if you keep them up to date, by phone or email or whatever works–I think they will find it exhilarating too.</p>
<p>It is nice that you are thinking about this. In case you have not already done this:</p>
<p>Get your mom used to text messaging with you. Teach her to text you if she needs to talk to you, so you can text back to say “call you after class” “call you when I’m done eating” or whatever. She’ll feel bad if she wants/needs to tell you something and she tries to call you and you can’t talk…so different from when she was at home and knew she’d see you every night.</p>
<p>Set your mom up on facebook even if you are going to very much limit what she can see. Even if she can just see a few pictures of you having fun in the dorm or at a picnic or game with your new college friends, this will cheer her up. It helps moms missing their daughters when they can see the daughter is having fun.</p>
<p>The first few months my daughter was away were the hardest; I missed her so much. (I still miss her, of course, but keeping in touch helps a lot. We talk on the phone at least once a week.)</p>
<p>As others have said- be the kid, not the parent. Don’t worry about them. Trust that they can manage their lives. Go away without any guilt or promises. This means don’t PROMISE to call/email/write/visit home with any set frequency even though you plan to do so. It will be nice and appreciated if you tell your parents things, but remember to lead your own separate life away from home. Home will still be home but you need to be moving forward and not be stuck in the past to satisfy your parents dealing with your absence. I am emphasizing this to you based on your concerns, my message to other kids would be different.</p>
<p>When you finalize your college choice, take time to see when there is a fall parent’s weekend. Start talking to your parents about them coming up for that weekend. Even if they decide not to come, there at least will be the communication of an ongoing horizon with you on it. It’s not like they are dropping you off at college and will never see you again. “See you in four weeks!” isn’t nearly as aching as “BYE!”</p>
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<p>This is spot on - I was incredibly sad when my daughter and then my son left for school but was so excited about their college experience and their futures. Tell your parents that you will miss them too and send them little updates on what is going on - either by phone or email - letting them know that you are thriving at college!! When my first left I was starving for any info about how she was doing. </p>
<p>The facebook idea is a good one - my d would not friend me the first year she was gone but after Christmas her soph year she decided she missed me and it would be ok. Even on a very limited view it really helps - for us especially since at the time we lived in Asia and she was in the US - when I missed her I could just pull up her profile.</p>
<p>You sound like such a sweet young lady and I am sure your parents will miss you so much. Teach your parents how to text and e-mail if they do not use it now, and I agree that freshman are not gone as much as they think. The breaks are frequent enough, and your parents will slowly transition. I found the spring semester to always be the hardest with fewer breaks. I am sure you will call your parents often because you are already aware of how they are feeling.</p>