Oh asking for permission would be a bridge too far for me. I even thought asking for the blessing was ridiculous. But my daughter liked that. But permission? My response would be “it’s not up to me to grant you permission only my daughter can do that.” I like my other daughter wouldn’t want to marry someone who would ask.
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I know it’s not for everyone. I read heated discussion about this and about letting BF and GF share a bedroom in parents house all the time. To each their own
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DH and I got engaged in a parking lot too. It was Halloween, and he put the ring box in a plastic skull. We’d been dating for almost 5 years; there was no asking parents or going on one knee.
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Both of our SILs “had the talk” with us, but it was more along the lines of “I just want you to know how much your daughter means to me, and that I plan to ask her to marry me in the near future.” Definitely didn’t ask for permission, and I don’t think the word “your blessing” was ever used, but it was done as a courtesy I think and as a modern spin on an old tradition.
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S was told by his future MIL that she expected him to formally ask for permission to marry our DiL, and in the interest of harmony he did call her to say proposing was imminent. (s/DiL had told us they were ring shopping but that was no surprise at all)
MiL said “Maybe, I have conditions”. many. conditions. (Where they could live, where the wedding could be, how much she would pay, how often they were to visit her)
S said “good to know, thanks for telling me” because he is a champ.
He proposed at their favorite hiking spot, with friends to capture it on their phones, but nothing more elaborate. Despite having help choose her ring, DiL was still so surprised it was cute.
I think our other son is much more of a grand gesture guy, but GF is definitely a quieter person so we’ll see. Her siblings are getting married this summer and I know she said there is nothing ruder than proposals at someone else’s wedding.
I feel like the whole grandiosity proposal (even proms! Even asking wedding party people!) has grown from sincere connection to demonstrative Pinterest, TikTok attention grabs. Which is, imho, not a great sign for the actual marriage.
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Three of my daughters friends flew into the place where the engagement was going to occur to be part of the surprise. She knew the engagement was coming in the next few months and even figured out that morning that it was going to happen that day ( the ring box sized lump in his shirt pocket was a dead giveaway (lol for the best,…he walked her around a garden/ park for hours waiting for the photog and she says she would have been grumpy if she hadn’t know it was about to happen…instead she pretended to be delighted with the walk enthusiastically exclaiming about the flowers). However she had no clue we were there or her friends. She LOVED the surprise! But I’m still shocked these girls were willing to spend the money and time to come. Daughter also flew in for one of their engagements so I guess those who have the ability do this.
Mr. B and I were witnesses to 2 proposals in a restaurant with incredible views and saw a setup for one in a marina recently. Let’s say one of the proposals almost did not go well. At some point near the end of their meal, after the happy ring acceptance, the man who proposed choked on food… thank goodness a waiter jumped into action (and was big enough to handle the large man)! The man was taken away by an ambulance just as a precaution. Hope that wedding happened without any issues.
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Yikes. Best of luck to your son. He must love his fiancee very much!
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She’s worth it 
They are approaching anniversary #4
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Yes. I don’t love it. Very performative. What you described is exactly how my D got engaged. Plus professional photographer on the scene.
IMO, it should be a private moment. It was also a big, unnecessary expense. Groom paid for a weekend at a tony NY hotel and expensive dinner for extended family (13 people) that evening.
Wow. Toxic MIL. Your son handled it perfectly.
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My husband proposed at our favorite restaurant. Early enough that we could have champagne with dinner. He didn’t have a ring.
I don’t know how my younger son proposed, but I do know how he told us, which was via Zoom, more or less, “oh by the way we’re getting married, as soon as we can get the marriage license, probably in a week or two we’ll let you know the exact date.” It was actually a lovely wedding, very simple, because of Covid they were able to do it without anyone officiating. Our very scattered families (Hong Kong, London, California and New York) were all able to be there thanks to Zoom.
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I personally do not feel it was not a wasted expense. It was one of the most thrilling experiences for me and it was exactly what my daughter wanted. The pictures we have were made into a beautiful book to relive the memories, I wouldn’t trade the experience for the world.
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As with may things – each couple/family should do what feels right to them. It is personal choice and there is no right or wrong. That said, it is interesting to see some of the different ways couples handle things.
H and I got engaged in private, a surprise. D’s both got engaged privately in nature. Both a surprise. No asking permission going on for any of them.
My question is- has anybody said ‘no’ in these elaborate venues?
I mean I think that if the bride to be wasn’t going to say yes the future groom would know. All the couples with elaborate proposals I know had already looked at rings. There was no possibility they would say no.
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Well, the story I related about my friend showed the wisdom of being very very sure before you pop the question. Though she chose not to say no in the moment, she did let him down once they were in private. Such a cringy moment for her, being put on the spot like that by a man she liked and respected but didn’t love.
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That took a lot of grace and maturity.
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I wasn’t aware that some have elaborate parties with the proposal. Learned something new!
My anecdotes, starting with myself 46 years ago. I was just a sophomore in college. My college BF had already graduated and was working as a ski instructor in Vermont. That winter, he got accepted to graduate school in the city where I was still in college and so the most I thought about was how we could still be able to be together the following fall. I wasn’t thinking about getting married so young (I had just turned 20). I went to visit him in Vermont and while there, he proposed. He didn’t have a ring. The next month during my spring break, we travelled to my parents so they could meet him. Then, he brought a ring that was in his family. While we were already engaged by then for a month, I didn’t really like that he gave me the ring in front of my parents (I guess he thought it was sweet for them to be a part of that moment), whereas I thought that should be private. Once we were both out of graduate school, we moved to that same ski resort for 33 years.
My younger daughter’s engagement happened in NYC where she and BF lived. He planned it out as a surprise. They were in Central Park and he got down on one knee and opened a box with a ring in it. He told his best friend in advance who was standing far away and took photos of the moment. Then, they had tickets to an Audra McDonald concert at Carnegie Hall afterwards (that was planned) because Audra was going to perform a song my daughter wrote. When they got to Carnegie Hall, a handful of friends were waiting (my daughter didn’t know that part) with champagne and her fiancé had gotten tickets for them too. Then, my daughter got to go backstage after the concert and meet Audra, making it a perfect night. Then, they told me.
My other daughter got engaged on a trip to Paris. That year, they were living in England. Then, they picked out wedding bands in Cartiers, who fetted them with champagne and then they told me.
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Yes, it’s all so grand and public now. But social media has changed everything and in this instance I don’t think for the better.
DS just told me last night that he’s planning on proposing in May. Her family is taking a Caribbean vacation for a week and he’s going to talk to her parents (the traditional blessing ) and see if it’s okay if he surprises her and goes down the last 2 days to propose. I’m not so keen on it, but staying out of it.
First, it’s a family vacation, the boyfriends weren’t invited . Second, she has an older sister who is seriously dating someone and living with them. Although this is happy news and my son/gf have been together longer (and living together) it might ruin the last couple days for the sister. (It’s her family vacation, too).
Like OP, our “engagement” was just a conversation, it wasn’t even planned. Nothing romantic at all. We were having dinner at Chi-Chi’s. LOL!
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