<pre><code>My name is (my name) . The main reason behind my writing to you is my undying love for the (college). I was a class of 2006 Early Decision applicant and was deferred. When I saw the decision, I was at first crushed and disheartened, but later on I realized that I still have a chance. Since the decision, I have worked hard in continuing my extra-curricular activities, excelling in academic and sport competitions, and keeping my grades up. The question I have for you is if I could send any useful supplements to improve my chances of admission during the regular decision round. So far I have re-taken the SAT Reasoning Test (and increased my score dramatically I might add), and have gotten an extra recommendation from the superintendent of my school (whom I have a personal relationship with). If there is anything else I can send in (perhaps an extra essay, an audio tape of me playing my instrument), please let me know as I am willing to do anything to get into your school.
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<p>Sincerely,
(my name)</p>
<p>Thats what Im planning to send to teh school I was deferred to. Do you guys have any suggestions on how to improve it? Does "The main reason behind my writing to you is my undying love for the (college)." sound too corny? If you have any advice please let me know. THanx</p>
<p>I would try to make it more professional (but don't totally lose the friendliness). Definitely lose the "undying love" and the "willing to do anything to get into your school". I wouldn't mention the "personal relationship" with your superintendant. You say that your SAT improved but don't say how much. You say that you have retaken the SAT and have another rec, but it isn't exactly clear whether they have been or are going to be sent.</p>
<p>I agree with dufus. tone down the emotion; to me, it looks forced. I don't know if it really is, but that's the way it appears. what got me was the "I was at first crushed and disheartened." it sounds awkward and overblown. keep it simple; he knows you didn't want to be deferred. </p>
<p>I like the asking if there's anything you can send. keep that tone. it's more professional and interesting. </p>
<p>also, you're a class on 2010 applicant, not a class of '06 applicant.</p>
<p>It should be class of 2010, by the way, because colleges go by when you graduate college, not high school.</p>
<p>dufus has good suggestions. You are going to send your new SAT scores, right? Unsure if your bracketed "and increased my score dramatically I might add" was for the CC reader's benefit or the admin director. If the latter, cut it out. Just state you improved, without the "I might add" and send it (the scores) to them.</p>
<p>Cut down on the parenthetical expressions. If you plan to use "(whom I have a personal relationship with)", at least change it to "with whom I have a personal relationship." Good grammar is always a plus. ;)</p>