As a single person, I want to encourage everyone to think beyond the right number of “couples” to invite over. (I know not everyone has been using that terminolgy)
I would like opportunities to mingle with both other singles and couples. I enjoy a mix of ages too.
@greenbutton, your post could have been written by me though the details are different. I miss the days when making friends just came naturally rather than turning into a project requiring research.
Well, I have accepted that it’s just going to have to be a project. But I feel ill equipped. This is not the sort of thing that necessarily comes naturally to everyone. For example – I asked three other couples if they would be free sometime in Jan/Feb to get together. So, I picked a date, made a cute little email invitation, and sent it to the three couples. One RSVP’d yes. One has not responded. And the last couple? She responded with “I’m looking forward to it” and we are wondering are they no longer a couple? “I’m” instead of “We”? (they are grad students we know who are a couple).
So do I ask the non-respondants for a response? Or is that nagging, needy, and bad? We are having desserts, because dinner is too hard for a first try at this, I thought.
My neighbors, btw for those who suggest such things, have made it abundantly clear that they do not want to have anything to do with us apart from friendly waves. One, in grief for one of their (many) dogs, actually came to talk to me when I was in the yard, i was stunned – and it turned out, he thought that we had killed the dog with pesticides on our yard. I just said “Look at this yard. Do you think we use weed killer?” because that is a hot topic in suburbia – That Yard that won’t get with everybody else’s program and spray chemicals.
A little different perspective: I find smaller dinner parties to be more inclusive, 3 or 4 guests. It’s harder for the rest of them to talk away and miss someone. And really, that’s fewer to coordinate. GB, can you call and ask that “I” person, “Wanted to check, are you both able to make it?” If they aren’t a couple, she can easily say, “Just me.”
I met so many new friends through a volunteer group. It’s a situation where we’re each already open to “being open,” that’s the nature of the efforts. We tend to chat a lot and this easily progressed to casual dinners out after meetings and including new folks. That led to us meeting at other times, eg, during summer breaks.
I also have a hiking group that goes for lunch after and likes to connect in-between. Best wishes, everyone. I’m sure many of us thought we were the only ones facing this.
I would definitely call the non responder. That would give you time to perhaps invite another couple.
I wasn’t necessarily looking for new friends, but when my youngest left I started playing tennis again and met a group of really great ladies. So I think if you find an activity you like (book club, volunteering, exercise class, yoga, walking your dog, music, golf, tennis, bridge, etc…) you will naturally find friends. I guess it is like the advice we give the kids when they go away to college (put yourself out there, get involved, join a club…).
Greenbutton: I would reach out to the nonresponder at some point, probably by email, and just say you were wondering if they got your invite and if they were going to be able to come. That is not needy. It may be that they just forgot to respond. Good luck! Hope it works out to be a fun evening.
There are lots of great ideas here; I’ve tried a few of them and have wound up with acquaintances but not close friends. The one thing that has brought about real friendships is playing bridge. Bridge players tend to be older; the national and local organizations tend to be growing by bringing in empty nesters and new retirees. Some have just learned the game and many, including DH and myself, played for a while before leaving the game for work and family, and then returned. Most clubs are very welcoming. I’ve known lots of players who become very close to other singles or couples and who socialize away from the bridge table. I’m lucky that I live in an area with lots of games and lesson offerings, but even a few teachers and games a couple times a week can be the basis for getting to know other players well and to learn a fascinating game.
Also, be sure to send a confirming email the day before to remind folks. Some people are really bad at managing their calendars and rely on reminders.
I don’t like planning “big” events. I hate worrying about who’s coming and everyone’s food issues, etc. I much prefer just inviting one couple over for dinner, and usually board games afterward. In the past, we’ve done Labor Day picnics and 4th of July parties - casual potlucks. But even those are a lot of work.
Re: single folks. I have quite a few single friends. I try not to have just one single person in a room full of couples. I just have to be careful that it doesn’t look like I’m trying to set people up or play matchmaker. Usually, I tell my single friends that they are welcome to bring someone - a date or just a friend.
That’s what I don’t get. What’s wrong with having one single person amongst couples? Surely the couples are not all neatly paired off while in conversations.
OP-Is this the thread you were thinking of? I tried to search for it yesterday, but could not find it. I did remember having a thread about this topic before.
^yes- strangely mine, I am obviously on one track. Somehow this seems a little different in that it is just friends not a single good friend which obviously can develop. Even though we are not moving I got to thinking that people that move at retirement have go to be facing this, or in our case, our friends are moving away at retirement.
I think part of the problem is that the kind of close, almost romantic friendships with peers we enjoyed when we were younger are not very common in middle age. I have a lot of colleagues and friendly acquaintances, but really no one whom I would consider a kind of “soulmate” friend of the type I had in high school or college. I have pleasant but somewhat superficial interactions with a lot of people. I have come to accept this. We are at a point in our lives where we have sunk our emotional energy into spouse and children. We aren’t as defined by peer groups as we were early in our lives, and that’s OK. Oddly enough, the only person whom I can say is a dear friend at this point is a woman who is old enough to be my mother. She goes to my church and we go out for lunch regularly. She is, in some ways, a surrogate mother for me as my mother passed away a decade ago. I tell her everything.
DH and I have made friends through square dancing. We also go to a free cooking class two mornings a week at a local grocery store. I hate to cook (that’s DH’s job), but I like to eat!
Yes NJ Sue this is an interesting observation. I too had a very good girlfriend who was 17 years older and the thought crossed my mind also that she was like a mother. Unfortunately she moved and so did my same age really close friend.
H and I made a list of people we could invite for dinner that would be fun. We are looking at a total of 6 (table seats 6) at a time.The list is about 18 couples or singles- so that looks good to start. Half are neighbors and half are work people who retired or are still working. I think once a month would be good.
I feel like we are living the same lives @greenbutton ! I’ve lived in the same town for 20 years and have very few friends and am so discouraged.
In our neighborhood, we have one neighbor who (eight years ago now) took the initiative and invited his five neighbors for drinks on a Monday night. It became a regular thing and now about fifty to 75 neighbors (our of a 5x5 block area, roughly) gather regularly. New neighbors get invited to join. Some of us go every time, others less often. I know who my neighbors are, and some of them are friends, and others are just acquaintances.
It really helps that it’s not a one-time-only thing. And that it’s not just a small group of tight-knit friends. It really is inclusion by address.
^^^This is amazing! Wow, what a wonderful network!!!
A further comment on our neighborhood gatherings. We do live in an earthquake zone, and so we are all cognizant that we will depend on our neighbors in a crisis. I think that makes a difference. However, these gatherings would not happen without the people who step up and coordinate, and the people who step up and host. They are potluck but generally the host supplies some sort of alcoholic beverage. Sometimes two or three families get together to host. A few years back a collection was made for a floating collection of glasses, plates, flatware, and serving utensils. If the idea appeals to you, I’d suggest just inviting the four or five closest families for something very short.
Regarding singles, having been alone for much of my life, I am never bothered by being alone with a group of couples. I know I get excluded based on being single and really appreciate those folks who don’t think in terms of couples or not. In some circles being single means being demoted to a “lunch” friend, and I am too busy to have lunch. In addition, I need the sort of practical conversations that are part of male/female groupings on occasion, as most of my socialization does tend to be women only.