ESSAY CCers LEND AN OPINION? THANKS ALOT

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>My first one...recently</p>

<p>Assignment: Should modern society be criticized for being materialistic?</p>

<pre><code> Society should be condemned for its overly-materialistic pursuits and gains. Several examples from current events and my own opinions clearly demonstrate that society should one day be held responsible for its deeds.

Nowadays, almost everyone in the world pursues money, valuable possessions, and worldly benefits. This not only causes society to becoming demoralized but also becoming corrupt inside out. Laws restrict people from stealing, committing crimes, and doing wrong but there are always people who don't follow the law. Robbers steal using illegal means, crime organizations make money by putting others lives at stake, and people with selfish goals commit disgraceful acts. Almost half of the news reports headlines that I mentioned above appear everyday. Thus, if these don't stop, is there any future for our world?

In China, the society over there is so materialistic to the point it has forgotten its spiritual roots, and cultural values. A recently opened "school" specializes not in how excel in academics but "how to marry a rich man". Is money so important that it even takes place the even most basic foundation of marriage? I personally wonder how the society is run, without even the most necessary components of being human. Humans need to have respect for each other, and social norms to guide them. After one dies, what happens then? Will you still have money?

I have learned that a man is a product of his environment. If our environment solely promotes materialism, with everyone striving for a little gain wouldn't that make living very hard? Everyone would be constantly vying and fighting with each other even for the smallest things. If there were money on the ground, some people would even fight over it.

After a careful analysis, one can see that indeed society is becoming rotten to the core. If it keeps going on like this, no peace would ever prevail. Only becoming a good person and following good ideals can society prosper.
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<p>bump anyone ?</p>

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<p>It sounds too colloquial. I’m not an expert though. I don’t know about the effects of using rhetorical questions, but they seem ok… I would recommend using a concluding sentence, but that’s just formality.</p>

<p>8-9/12</p>

<p>Grade mine por favor:
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1199672-grade-my-essay-please.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1199672-grade-my-essay-please.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>Your thesis that society should be condemned for its materialistic pursuits is thoughtful, but it isn’t anything unique. You do well in maintaining your position throughout the essay.</p>

<p>You analyze the downfalls of materialism through examples of crime and China’s education system. Neither example demonstrates outstanding critical thinking though.</p>

<p>Your examples are good, but are far from exceptional. The discussion on the current state of the world is vague and general. However, the discussion on China’s “how to marry a rich man” supports your thesis well.</p>

<p>Your organization is exquisite. The only thing I would prefer is if you combined the fourth and fifth paragraph together.</p>

<p>I also think that you make use of too many rhetorical questions in your essay. You should also try to avoid writing cliches (rotten to the core) as well as being more specific in your assertions. For example, what exactly makes a “good” person in your last sentence?</p>

<p>I’d give it an 8/12.</p>

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<p>^ why are rhetorical questions bad? and is it bad to be colloquial?</p>

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<p>Rhetorical questions themselves aren’t bad: they can be used to put style to your works or to help persuade people of your viewpoint. However, I thought that you used them excessively. One or two should be enough. And yes it is bad to be colloquial most of the times.</p>

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<p>^So practically, I need to be more specific on my examples and truly dig deep on revolving around my thesis, and be more scholarly right?</p>

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<p>^^
Precisely. Rhetorical questions make it seem like the writer is ambivalent IMO. It’s fine in moderation though.</p>