Please grade SAT essay

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

please grade my essay

topic- should modern society be criticized for being materialistic?

        Some people spend most of their money on materialistic items; while others think it is an extravagance of money and time. Most of the items that has been consumed became obsolete in a short period of time; moreover, people buy unnecessary items that will never be used by them in the future. However, even if a new item makes one happy, it is sometimes appear to be the center of  one's life. Therefore, modern society need to be criticize for being materialistic and for being lavishness.

        Nowadays most of the people work about 10 hours and more in a day; some of theme are even work in two works to earn more money. So, in this money they will able to buy a more big house and a more expensive car, designer cloths and gold  jewelries as well. The main problem is that every few months a new and improve care go out to the market; moreover, every season the fashion industry launch a new season line. Thereupon the items that people purchased before a year or even before a month became obsolete. for the most part people tend to buy expensive products in light of they do not satisfy with thrift products. And in due time people will wake up with no money for daily alimentary and with a lot of wast time that has been wasted on work rather than on their beloved family and friends. 

          An article about materialism has been published before couple of years ago. A 13 years old Chinese child, from a poor family, sold his kidney for earning money to buy an IPhone. Additionally articles such as this published every now and then. Stories, about girls who sold their body for sex just to buy a new pair of designer shoes, or girls who got married to a wealthy old man for living a luxury life, never end. The society of today are occupying on materialistic products rather than t on abstract things such as love, affection and pardon. The tournament  of being the most affluent, the most pretty, and the most important will never end. 

            In conclusion the society of today revolved around materialistic items; thereupon, it is need to be 
      criticize for being materialistic. Evidently people spend most of their lives in work to earn money; adoults and even children willing to sell their body and soul for money. Nonetheless the items that will be consume with this money, will be obsolete in shortly spell of time.
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hi, sorry i wasn’t been here. thanks for ur remarks.

  1. my teacher insist that ill right only 2 paragraph she said that 3 is no need, and actually i have a hard time to come up with ideas
  2. i got it that i go around sometimes but first i have to fill up 2 pages and second i don’t really know howto day it clearly
  3. ill be more than happy if u will give me some examples for ur remarks
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@AcademicHacker took care of the other points that I would’ve brought up (e.g. using more specific examples, being less “wordy”), so I’ll focus on grammatical issues.

Use “criticized” (or “criticised”) and “lavish” (lavishness is a noun). I would drop the second “for being” as it is redundant.

Source? Who are “the people?” How many is “most?” “10 hours and more in a day” is awkward; use “at least 10 hours a day.” An example sentence that fixes all these problems:

Nowadays, approximately 60% of employed Americans work at least 10 hours a day." ← this is a made up piece of data. But at least it’s a little clearer.

Some of “them.” In English, we say “work in two jobs.” Some of them even work two or more jobs to earn more money.

You should use “bigger” instead of “more big,” although I would probably use a different word than “big.”

This just seems awkward to me.

Well, you gotta work to make a living, right? I don’t see the purpose of this sentence.

The grammatical issues were quite distracting when I read this - I do not like grading the SAT essay, but if I had to, I would probably assign a score of 5-6.