Plz grade my essay! Thx in advance!

<p>Question- Should modern society be criticized for being materialistic?</p>

<p>Answer-
People are not remembered for what their materials were during their life. People are remembered for their actions and their legacy in life. Life’s main goal is to succeed and to be remembered for one’s actions, not one’s materials. Modern society should therefore be criticized for being too materialistic as shown from the historical examples of the great tycoons of the 19th century and even myself. </p>

<pre><code>Back in the 19th century, the American industry was being dominated by several “robber-barons” including John D. Rockefeller and Cornelius Vanderbilt. In the early stages of their life, they were seen as materialistic men craving for more money. These two not only dominated their workers for money, but they also dominated their respective industries for power. Their whole lives revolved around the concept of earning more money and they were ruthless in their actions. Therefore, from their materialistic ideals, society suffered. The workers that worked under these two economic tycoons had long work hours in terrible working conditions with little pay. The rest of society suffered as both robber-barons raised prices in their respective industries to make everyone overpay for goods. This shows how materialism can ruin a society. However, as the two men grew older, they started to realize that life is not about gaining money, but that life is how one makes a lasting legacy. Therefore, these two men rejected materialism and became philanthropic. They donated millions of dollars to the poor and many beneficial causes. The money they donated helped to start new universities and libraries such as Vanderbilt University. Today, these two men are still remembered and admired for their good deeds and actions. This shows that a non-materialistic approach to life will result in a rich and fruitful life and society.

Even I serve as an example to why society should be criticized for being materialistic. Being a teenage boy, I am very involved with the latest fads. I need to get that X-Box 360 and I need to get that new I-pod Touch. I spent almost all of my money and then some of my parents’ money to get the best items. Once I got these items, I could not stop using them. I remember that my X-Box 360 had told me that I had played a specific video game for two whole days. Because of my materialism, I was being obscured from my long-term goals of college and a successful life. The time I spent texting on my newest phone and the time I spent shooting others in a first-person shooting game was not time spent on studying in high school or increasing my academic abilities. My grades soon dropped and I started to do terrible in school. Soon enough, my parents realized that my gadgets were the root to my sudden drop in school. They decided to tell me not to use the gadgets so often. At first, I refused to believe that these amazing, technologically advanced gadgets could be so harmful to my life. However, slowly but surely, I started to realize that materialism was a disease that I had caught. I started to stop playing video games and my grades started to get better. I returned to studying on weekends and got better at math. I believe my personality got better as I exposed myself to more scholarly recreations. This experience showed to me that materialism is a disease that will harm society. Materialism obscures one’s real goals in society. Therefore, modern society should be criticized for its materialism.

As shown from the examples of the nineteenth century tycoons and myself, materialism is harmful to one’s life and will deter one from achieving one’s true goals. Without materialism, one can concentrate better on succeeding in life and leaving behind a lasting legacy. This is why modern society should be criticized for its materialism.
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<p>Sorry about the indents. I copy and pasted from microsoft word</p>

<p>Biggest problem I can see is sentence structure. You have too many simple sentences that your essay seems redundant and very abrupt after each sentence. Don’t worry lot’s of people, myself included, have this problem.</p>

<p>I’m just going to give you a few suggestions for you to think about your conclusion.</p>

<p>How to make a killer conclusion:
~State the consequences (both positive or negative)
~Counterargument (make sure you have a good, solid rebuttal however)
~Call to action (persuade reader to act or do something about whatever you’re writing about)
~Unexpected value (what is so important about this that people might not have expected).</p>

<p>How to make great intro:
~Pivot (Ex: It is commonly believed in our society that prejudice is a derogatory and a depreciative attitude that hurts the foundation and the inter-relationship of communities. However, in some cases prejudice without any biasness to a specific race is sometimes mandatory or significant in order to provide a better aspect of society as a whole, and this prejudice without biasness can eventually lead to a more diverse community that could help blah blah blah). State a commonly held beliefand then demonstrate the opposite.
~Description of person or place from body (Partial but not full example of an example you’re going to use later on in your essay)
~Cliffhanger (Situation to be written more in depth in your body paragraphs. Should leave the reader with a feeling of suspense)
~Startling statement or statistic
~Quotation (NEVER use the quote from the prompt becaue that would just be wasting your time and space and the scorer’s time since that scorer also read the quote)</p>

<p>Hope this helps :)</p>