Essay Feedback please

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1

<p>Could someone please grade and comment on my essay? Any advice is greatly appreciated! Thanks in advance.</p>

<p>Prompt: Is it important for people to spend time outdoors and to learn to appreciate their natural environment?</p>

<pre><code>Although technology has changed the lives of many people and shelters today’s population from many of the hardships that were faced by previous generations, it is still important for people to spend time outdoors and to learn to appreciate their natural environment. Jon Krakauer’s novels “Into Thin Air” and “Into the Wild” as well as several organizations in the country support this idea venerating the natural environment.

Jon Krakauer details his ascent of Mount Everest in his non-fiction novel “Into Thin Air.” A writer for Outside magazine, Krakauer makes many observations as one of the les-experience climbers on Rob Hall’s expedition. The perils on the slopes of the tallest mountain in the world constantly humble the climbers, who are just puny ants struggling to make progress in treacherous weather. Krakauer emphasizes that keys to survival on the expedition include both adaptability and flexibility. His novel “Into the Wild,” which describes Chris McCandless’s attempt to live on his own in the Alaskan wild, also highlights these traits in addition to creativity. By backpacking for years and living on only the most basic amenities needed for survival, McCandless distances himself from today’s materialistic society. The people’s venal interests disgust McCandless, and he sees the outdoors and wildlife as a refuge from society’s problems, including his father’s adulterous affairs. Like Krakauer, McCandless is deeply humbled by the natural environment.

Organizations such as the Boy Scouts of America and Girl Scouts of America emphasize the importance of spending time outdoors and observing wildlife. Through their outdoor expeditions, boy soucts become aquainted with a variety of plants and animals, learning necessary skills to survival in the wild such as knot tying, basic cooking, and starting a fire. Even though it is not likely for one to wander off into the wild, these skills are still useful in times of disaster. The time spent outdoors, which includes learning orienteering, being able to read maps and use compasses, for both boys and girls is generally viewed as good character-building activities.

As Mark Twain wrote in his autobiography, the outdoors is full of charm. Despite people’s busy and hectic lives, it is important for them to learn to appreciate the natural environment. Wildlife is shown to be stunning, awe-inspiring, and humbling in Jon Krakauer’s “Into Thin Air” and “into the Wild.” Moreover, the popularity of the Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts programs attests to the important value that people associate with the natural environment.
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2

<p>Please help! Thanks!</p>

3

<p>I appreciate your help.</p>

4

<p>I would say 9, maybe a 10.</p>

<p>Its well written and has great examples, but you need to make sure you explicitly answer the prompt. The prompt is asking why it is important for people to spend time outdoor and to appreciate their natural environment. For the BSA example you did a good job of answering this. You noted that it was important to be outside and learn those valuable skills in the event of an emergency. For your first example, it was a little more implicit. You talking about how he liked the wild and appreciated it, but you really didn’t talk about why it was important for him/people to do so. You should have said something like, 'Krakauer implores that to truly understand one’s self, one most abandon material possessions and experience the raw wild." This would more explicitly show how this example supports your thesis that it is indeed important to experience and appreciate the wild.</p>

<p>If you add some qualifying statements to your examples to better tie them into the prompt, you would secure a double digit score for sure. Your writing style and diction is great, with maybe a little more flow/transition this would get a 11-12 easy.</p>

<p>Just make sure that while you are writing you don’t get carried away. Always think about what the prompt is asking and what your thesis is. Its all great that Mr. Jon loves nature but what does that tell us about all people. Just make sure you explicitly use your examples to support your thesis. Otherwise, you are a great writer and this is a good essay</p>

5

<p>Your writing style is fine, but this doesn’t address the prompt. You talk about people and characters interacting with nature, but you don’t use those ideas as examples to support your thesis. Saying that the skills one learns in nature are helpful in times of disaster was a step in the right direction, but you didn’t really expand on that. You also shot yourself in the foot by admitting that that’s “not likely” to happen. If you’re trying to sell these skills to your grader, don’t be wishy-washy. It’s always better to take a strong stance, even if that means you’re slightly wrong. On a similar note, saying that interacting with nature “builds character” is horribly vague. Your conclusion is also rather muddled. Spending time in nature is not necessarily important just because it is “stunning” and BSA/GSA are “popular.” Gossip Girl is popular and the actors are pretty, so does it follow that watching it is a worthwhile way to spend time? </p>

<p>All in all, I felt that your argument was very weak. I think you would be somewhere in the 4-6 range. You’ve got some nice vocab going, and your grammar doesn’t appear to be a problem, so just focus on answering the question next time. : )</p>

6

<p>Thanks! Thanks!</p>