<p>omg my intro is so stupid...i wonder if its a cliche </p>
<p>im scared to post it publicly...anyone want to check and tell me if it is?</p>
<p>I'm applying for Fall '10. </p>
<p>Would it be okay to...
1) Reuse and revamp my old essay from my high school application?<br>
2) Talk about activities I did in HS that were meaningful? Haha, haven't really been doing much since I've transferred to CC.</p>
<p>My essays were boring but grammatically correct. I hope they don't expect something brilliant from me because I'm an English major.</p>
<p>Oh, okay Nick. xD. </p>
<p>I'm sure they won't be taken into consideration...we're not English majors. LOL. </p>
<p>The body of the statement was great tho, I'm sure they will take that into consideration.</p>
<p>April 30th. I wonder if they've even gotten to us. :/</p>
<p>ah i still think mine is o.k. but i'm sure i'll never see it clearly enough to notice any errors since reading it over a million times while doing it has made me hate the site of it.</p>
<p>Wearing a crucifix in my second grade school picture killed my grandpa. As I watched my father proudly hand over the photograph, I looked at my grandfathers eyes slowly turn empty. He sat silently, almost as if he had taken on the form of a mannequin, looking blankly at my face. Yet, it was not my face, I realized many years later, that he was in fact looking at. Instead, it was the delicate cross that laid upon my chest that would prove to be the death of my relationship with the man I called papa. I understood that my grandfather being Jewish played a huge part in his decision to reject me, but after a brush with maturity I was able to comprehend the mental aspects behind his choice. This emotional fatality would encourage my mission for learning. As I move forward with my pursuit of education, Sociology will enable me to use the death of my bond with my granddad and turn it into the birth of my own education. </p>
<p>I'm bored so here's my first paragraph, thought I would share and I'm sure it will be ripped now that I posted it.</p>
<p>That's a great intro Sweetness. :) </p>
<p>I just reread my essay and it is ****! :(</p>
<p>Oh gosh, I also selected TAP for Berkeley... I thought it's the same as UCLA .... Should I just leave it like this???</p>
<p>wow sweetnezz thats pretty good...i mean the writing..</p>
<p>well since someone else posted one..i might as well post mine...this is so lame..you guys will laugh..so cliche....heres my first few sentences</p>
<p>"When people ask me what I want to be when I grow up, I always say, I want to become a better person. Of course they laugh, thinking I was joking, that I misunderstood the question. But the thing is, I was and still is serious. "</p>
<p>haha what do you guys think??</p>
<p>arg...I'm so sick of being nervous</p>
<p>its almost been half a year of this feeling, I thought after I submitted my app the nervousness would die down..but NOOOO</p>
<p>and this garbage continues for another month </p>
<p>(I hope I'm not the only one shouting at my computer every time I see "your application is in review")</p>
<p>arg</p>
<p>Shouldn't it be "still am serious"? </p>
<p>It's a nice/interesting intro though. Made me want to read the rest of the essay.</p>
<p>also, bump for my unanswered question up there :(</p>
<p>aww crap..mannn thats gayyy </p>
<p>as for your question...i dont think it will match since the questions will be different for freshmans and transfers...hope that answers your question..</p>
<p>In retrospect, I totally hate my personal statement. It was meaningful to me when I wrote it and I went with my heart, but now I think that was a bad choice.</p>
<p>It was waaaaaaaaay too emotional. I'm an engineering major--for pete's sake! Engineers don't have emotions! </p>
<p>Also, I was specifically told by the college of engineering admission's rep AND the dean to say that I want to go to grad school because they really don't want students who are stopping at a bachelors. </p>
<p>But did I do that? No! Why not? Because I didn't have any room amidst all those "feelings."</p>
<p>Ugh! They're probably referring my app to the psych department for a case study. </p>
<p>People say follow your heart. That may be so, but if you're an engineer: follow the blueprint.</p>
<p>thanks for the comments, i honestly thought i was going to get big bad comments but i was pleasantly surprised! I believe it's "still am serious" but no biggie at all, it sounds interesting and I'm sure it would make for a great read :-)</p>
<p>Here are mine, tell me what you think!</p>
<p>Writing Sample 1: </p>
<hr>
<pre><code> What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities and what you have gained from your involvement.
</code></pre>
<hr>
<pre><code> Looking up from the ironing board, I took in my surroundings; to my right, a cheap chip-board table, which supported a 1980s-era television, a two-year-old phonebook, and a crisp, seemingly unopened Bible. Embedded in the wall next to the table was an ancient air-conditioner, expelling warm air into the worn curtains hanging in front of it. To my left were two twin beds sporting awkward figures in dress clothes. In the corner of the room three people holding yellow legal pads sat around a small nightstand. Despite the oddity of the environment, I was focused wholly on them: the judges. They waited, clicking pens, tapping feet, and shuffling ballots. I stared down at the ironing board/lectern, which held my first speech.
I was the only member of the Modesto Junior College team in the final round of evidence-based debate. Consequently, my entire team gathered under, around, and on top of the hotel furniture. Finally the timer beeped. I began my rapid explanation of maternal and neonatal death rates and solutions for the Greater Horn of Africa.
My voice had an entirely false confidence in it, a welcome gift of consistent repetition. As I listed the harms caused by non-sterile scissors and the lack of simple and affordable medications to block the mother-to-child transmission of malaria at birth, I reveled in the moment; these people were actually listening to my thoughts, ideas, and policy suggestions! I knew that I wanted to be involved in politics and government, and now I was thrilled to be discussing these issues (even if it was in an overcrowded hotel room). This was not idle bickering over dinner table politics; I had spent hours poring over facts, figures, and statistics on neo-natal mortality in Africa, and I had a solution to present. I imagined briefly how I would feel if I were addressing a conference of nongovernmental organizations or aid officials rather than fellow community college students.
My first speech over, my opponent stood up to cross-examine me. He was well-versed in the issues, and his job was to expose the holes in my argument: How would my plan effect USAID funding for other developing nations? How could I guarantee results given government corruption and ineffectiveness? Would the plan increase the global perception of American hegemonic intentions in Africa, decreasing soft and hard power for the United States in the region?
</code></pre>
<p>I tried to blunt the force of these questions while using them to expand points to which I had given short shrift in my speech. I spoke directly to the judges, and sometimes to the quiet yet attentive audience. I explained to them that my plans mandate was quite simple: low cost, feasible health interventions in the mostly undeveloped nations composing the Greater Horn. I explained how the United States currently utilizes a developed network of NGO's to distribute aid, and that my plan therefore had little additional bureaucratic overhead. I pointed out that the world would see the funding increase, but not a greater American presence.</p>
<pre><code> I won by a two-to-one split decision. Although the round began and ended in a cheap hotel room, I believe that the impact of talking about policy is larger. At minimum the thousands of college students around the country who participated in Lincoln-Douglas debate last year spent a lot of time exploring how best to aid Africa and at least some of them changed their attitudes toward the developing world as a result. My own interest in policy-making has increased as a result of my participation in debate. In addition, through my internship with my US congressman, I have had a chance to see what practical politics looks like, and I hope to further my understanding and involvement in public policy through my studies in one of the University of California's political science departments.
</code></pre>
<hr>
<p>Writing Sample 2: </p>
<pre><code> Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
</code></pre>
<hr>
<pre><code> A regular Thursday evening, driving down the main drag in Turlock, California on my way to work. Pulling into my usual spot in front of the pizza place, I parked and walked to the door. Not seeing the "Out of Business" sign or darkened interior, I stiff-armed the locked door. Overnight, my boss Bill had closed up and moved away, taking my last paycheck and my rent-paying job with him.
This experience drew a grim picture for me of the Central Valley, and indeed the entire rural United States. In a society driven by the availability of free-flowing consumer credit, a credit crisis was a very bad thing for small towns. In Turlock, Mr. Slice Pizza sales were down 80% over just 3 months. Consumers, who for years have just taken on more debt rather than stop consuming, were suddenly unable to get another credit card or refinance a home. Then gas bills shot up. For Bill, owner of a small pizza parlor, that meant no customers. For me, that meant no job.
These effects are magnified in rural small towns, where the lack of an upper or even an upper-middle class is a serious problem. Urban and suburban areas are better able to maintain a diverse business landscape in a downturn; even in a recession or depression these wealthier areas can shore up the small business community. Conversely, an area like Turlock can quickly descend into something like a financial dust-bowl.
This experience brought home to me the precarious position of workers who live in rural small towns. All I lost was a part-time student job in a pizzeria. All around me though, families lost homes, jobs and cars. Garage sales are now one of the main sources of income where I live. As a result of this experience, I decided to shift the focus of my major towards public policy, so that I can try to help forge solutions to these problems and prevent this kind of destruction from recurring. I hope someday to work in government or in nongovernmental organizations targeted at promoting broader and more stable economic growth through job creation and education.
</code></pre>
<p>good essays!</p>
<p>one criticism tho (and it's probably just me):</p>
<p>I just hate it when people don't introduce you to their major in the first paragraph. I understand what you were trying to do but there was no real thesis in the essay saying "this is my major, i am interested in in and I have prepared for it". Maybe it's just me. </p>
<p>Everything else looked good. Best of luck with admissions!</p>
<p>floob i really like how you write. it's very descriptive and the attention to detail is great.</p>
<p>i feel like an idiot looking back at my essays...i sound so stupid.</p>
<p>heres my intro for essay prompt #2. All of it is true by the way, i know it sounds ridiculous.</p>
<p>"
John Neil once said, “Hardship and opposition are the native soil of manhood and self-reliance.” I am a firm believer of this quote, and it symbolizes how my past experiences made me the man I am becoming today. I am proud of my previous life experiences, all of which helped me relate to who I am presently. From my humble beginnings which started in Tbilisi, Georgia, to my current residence of Redondo Beach, California there have been many struggles which I had to endure. Georgia back then, and even now, has always been a country filled with war. War among other nations, war among other territories and war amongst each other. My parents had realized and were thinking about moving to America but one incident made them take action immediately. One fine day my mom took me to the playground to play, and before my mom knew it, I was kidnapped by two rebels for ransom. After a successful transaction, my parents knew it was time to live in a safer area. What amazes me to this day is that my parents gave up their friends, families, jobs, among everything else just so I can have a better life. I will be forever in their debt for giving me this opportunity. Even though I was just a child, the experience was invigorating and implemented that life can be taken away in any given moment, so I should never take anything for granted. "</p>
<p>goddddd its so cliche</p>
<p>screw GPA and major prep...that was fantastic</p>
<p>loller...that was an excellent intro...brief and to the point (really important for UCB admissions), if you want an additional review for the rest of your essay (content), pm me & i'll be happy to look at it... you can also see mine from two years ago... i use it from time to time to help others w/ theirs and it's worked out so far.... =)</p>
<p>ITT Goddamn masochists.</p>
<p>And I'd have to be guilty of that too. My plan was to submit the essay and never, EVER look back on it, but this thread compelled me to. My god, it's like rubbing salt and chili powder into weeping, gaping wounds.</p>
<p>...Okay, maybe not really, but there are SO many things I'd like to change about my essay. Ironic, since the theme of both is about self-improvement. Still, there are some bits that still sound pretty strong. I just hope they sound good to the admissions officers, haha.</p>
<p>yeah, i feel like i was 10 when i wrote it. not that it sounds like a 10 year old's writing, but that it feels so long ago and so distant that it must have been at least 10 years ago i wrote it. aghhh</p>