Suddenly spiraling son - seeking stories of redemption to make me feel better!

Parents Forum
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<p>Newbie here. I seek stories and commiseration to make me feel better and have long-term optimism to get me through the short-term pain, disappointment, anger, fear and...well, fear.</p>

<p>S completed three stellar semesters at a well-known, highly-ranked university. 4.0, great relationships with professors, active leader on campus, self-defined path in field he loves, good friends, good roommate, summer program lined up, study abroad next year. </p>

<p>Fourth semester (this spring) brought some agitation. We parents chalked it up to work overload and university-level bureaucratic stumbling blocks related to majors and plans for study abroad. </p>

<p>Suddenly it all fell apart. A school official broke up an in-room dorm party involving alcohol. School official demanded IDs. Everyone produced theirs except S. Instead S stormed out of room. Official followed, confrontation ensued. Nothing physical but S was verbally offensive. Official called police. Following day S's dorm privileges were revoked. </p>

<p>Acceptance of responsibility and contrition would have put S back in dorm within a couple days. Instead S lashed out at dean, who then extended suspension of dorm privileges and triggering a student conduct review. S, outraged, spiraled, refused to go to classes, refused to do homework. S got further and further behind and showed neither remorse nor contrition. Student conduct hearing was "favorable" in that factual findings were that S had not made significant violation other than "general campus standards" but self-righteousness and defensiveness hurt (as did tearful testimony from school official). But, by then S was back in dorm, professors were ready and willing to help a demonstrably successful student get back on track, and there was a clear path to redemption.</p>

<p>S refused to take it. Instead he wallowed in bed, refused to get out to exercise, eat, go to class, or study. S threatened, and eventually followed through on, withdrawal from university. The circumstances under which S did so will result in Fs in all classes for the semester, and the disciplinary consequences - though under appeal and relatively insignificant - will remain. He then drove home. He has been in his room every since, steadfast in his insistence that the school screwed him, the accuser screwed him, and that none of this is his fault. He has alternated that with wounded self-pity, regret, fatalism and denial.</p>

<p>We recognize that S was likely under huge self-inflicted pressure to achieve, that he was probably already depressed, and that his behavior resulting in his disciplinary mess, his impulsive withdrawal, and his current state of mind cry out for help. We also recognize that this is a mess of his own creation, and that as well-meaning as we are as parents, we can't fix this for him (though we tried, in vain, as it was all spiralling downward), and that until he is ready to climb out of this deep dark place there isn't much we can do. We can't force him to get counseling or help (we try, he refuses). So what we are doing is letting him be. We are not going to kick him out. We are giving him a warm place to sleep (his room). We are giving him healthy food to eat. We are letting him know we love him. We are letting him know that we cannot fix this for him. We are letting him know that the path to rebuilding his life starts with him, and it is within his control to start down that path. Meanwhile, spouse and I are going to try to support one another when we get weak and/or tired and try not to let his dark place become ours.</p>

<p>So here is what I want. I am very open for advice. But what I really want is hope. This is a 19 year old kid who sees his future and entire life's work ruined. Spouse and I don't see it this way - we see a bright future for a humbled young man when he decides to accept that he, too, is part of an imperfect human race. To help us maintain that vision, please, share with me/us your stories of redeemed young people who did something incredibly stupid and self-destructive, lost all hope, tortured their parents, and went on to recover and live meaningful, productive - and most importantly, happy - lives. </p>

<p>Anyone able to share?</p>

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<p>I don’t have a story to share, but I can say that your son has the most important thing: the support of wonderful parents. I will be thinking of you and your son and hoping that things get better.</p>

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<p>Don’t focus on the outcome. Who knows where life will lead anyone? Just work through the moment as it is. Maybe your son will get back to college and maybe he won’t, or maybe it won’t be for a while. I think you just have to acknowledge the pain for what it is, and do what you can to help your son restore some mental equilibrium. Hang in there!</p>

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<p>Well, I did some pretty dumb things in my first year at BC, dropped out and got a job and eventually went back to get a few degrees and raise a family. I don’t think that I tortured my parents (one was out of the picture) but my somewhat erratic behavior was probably cause for concern.</p>

<p>It isn’t the end of the world and it sounds like you have the resources to let him decompress for a while. It sounds like he was under a really huge amount of stress and that incident pushed him over the edge. It’s hard to run at the breakneck pace that many of our teens do through their middle-school to college years.</p>

<p>One thing that is a bit disturbing is that I picked up a little paranoia - the thing that everyone in the world is out to get me. I think that counseling should be a major priority but you’d have to be able to convince him to go and even then, it’s not a quick process.</p>

<p>When someone has had a tough time, I think that rest is important and then notching some successes helps in recovery. Getting a job might be helpful. It’s a tough job market in many places but not everywhere. If you see help wanted signs locally, then it might not be too hard.</p>

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<p>I dont know if I see paranoi. I suspect a large number of kids drink at college. I dont think the college handled it all that well.</p>

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<p>I was referring to this:</p>

<p>“He has been in his room every since, steadfast in his insistence that the school screwed him, the accuser screwed him, and that none of this is his fault.”</p>

<p>We have seen school officials do far worse when breaking up a dorm party with alcohol - this school seemed to handle it well without necessarily putting anything on students’ records. At my son’s school, the police are called in, the student is charged and they eventually go to court.</p>

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<p>So sorry to hear this story. My suggestion is that there is likely some clinical depression or other mental illness going on here. It is not likely that the situation itself triggered all of the bad behavior. 19 is about the age when symptoms of underlying depression, bipolar, etc can begin to manifest. The paranoia, outsized anger, self-isolation are all warning signs. If possible, I would insist he be evaluated. A psychologist may be able to help even if it does turn out to be totally stress related. If it is something more, professional intervention is even more important.</p>

<p>In terms of happy endings…I have known several college kids (peers and children of friends) who have experienced a major bout of depression, etc. during college and come out of it whole. Usually it has been a difficult path, with some time off, and a change of schools, but OK in the end.</p>

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<p>BC, I find it difficult to beleive that police are called in for every incident. Maybe some colleges dont go out of their way to look for alchohol. Maybe a lot of kids live off campus. Call me sceptical.</p>

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<p>It’s a state school - they have to do so by law. I’ve read the campus crime logs and have seen a lot of kids put into the CJ system for drinking and drugs in dorms. The campus police logs are online - they had the students’ names, the charges and the dates that they were to show up in court.</p>

<p>BTW, this was only in the dorms and the primary investigation was done by campus police. City police didn’t care about students drinking. There were many moderately wild parties in apartments above the local police station. The police would just walk by and chat with the students on the balconies.</p>

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<p>Backside,</p>

<p>I’m sorry that your son is currently refusing professional help. I think you should seek professional help yourself in how to deal with this alarming situation. The sudden changes suggest your son might have serious mental health issue. Lots of students drink too much, and sometimes get in trouble with college authorities for it, but your son’s truculent attitude even when he sobered up, especially if that attitude is atypical for him, make me wonder if he is developing an underlying problem.</p>

<p>Of course, it could be nothing much, and he could snap out of this funk.</p>

<p>Best of luck to you and your son.</p>

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<p>I must say I agree with 1012mom and Cardinal Fang. The incident that started the whole thing doesn’t concern me nearly as much as what happened in the subsequent days. It sounds like after everyone had calmed down the situation could have been resolved to everyone’s satisfaction but for whatever reason you son’s mood didn’t stabilize.</p>

<p>Beyond that, I agree with the suggestion that now that he is home he try to find some type of work, just to get him out of the house and feel useful. It is a terrible job market so volunteer work is also a good way to put one’s own problems into perspective.</p>

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<p>OP
I feel for you and your family, but there is hope. My S came home after a little more than a semester over a year ago. He was not, however, forced out of school by depression as your son seems to at least partly suffered. A year and a half later my S is living in another town about 100 miles away from home. He has found a job and last I talked with him seems to have a plan on returning to school at some point (he is 20). Kids do not always adhere to our well intentioned plans for them, but they usually do get through it. You have been quite supportive which will help. I do think you might try to make some stipulations on his living with you --which would include going to counseling. If he does not feel that is necessary and he is not going to go to school, I would suggest you require him to work and start to pay room and board at some point. He either is going to live in the real world or he isn’t and if he’s not going to school and he is not ill, then he should take responsibility for his actions and participate in some way. Good luck.</p>

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<p>What happened is not unusual for any college. (Kids dealing with authorities either police or school surrouonding alcohol) You son’s reaction is not usual. It would be best for him to go through some counseling if he doesn’t snap out of things soon. It’s not normal to have anger issues, not normal to be verbally offensive to people in authority and not normal to continue to rage at people and then to wallow in bed when things don’t quite go the way they are supposed to. It could be transient and he could snap of out it as Cardinal Fang says but if not he needs to seek help so he can get on with life. What’s past is past and it’s not healthy to keep fighting the same battle over and over…everyone’s moved on on and it’s time for him to move on. </p>

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That is what concerns me. You said everyone had moved on. Your S was back in the dorm, the profs were ready to forgive, yet your S refused to accept the situation. This is behavior that could trip him up the rest of his life…in jobs…in relationships. Not letting go can be a positive trait (one that can propel students into good grades, good schools etc., but it can be a negative trait if kids don’t learn real world coping skills and street smarts along the way.</p>

<p>And yes perhaps it would help you, too, to speak with a professional to understand how to handle the situation. Best of luck to you and your son.</p>

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<p>My oldest two have/had this problem that they can’t seem to get that when you get caught for something that is done all of the time, it is a transgression. The dichotomy of having the halls smell like pot, window displays of beer cans with drinking every week, yet drug/alcohol busts was difficult for them to reconcile in their brains. They are slowly getting it, however. Yes, life can be very hypocritical. Just because “everybody” does something, does not make it right.</p>

<p>One thing that does bother me is that it is a fact that mental illnesses do rear their ugly heads in these young adult years. Often they can be tamed but they can cause a lot of damage before that happens. It is possible that some bipolar issues are present here, and a good psychiatrist can work on that angle. The unreasonable rage and reaction, followed by despondancy, both extremes unusual in a kid can be such an episode. If you can have that checked and that possibility eliminated, it would be nice.</p>

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<p>A semester full of Fs is going to hurt him long after this situation has stabilized. I would get him to a doctor for an evaluation, then ask the school to withdraw him from this semester as a medical leave.</p>

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<p>Can a leave of absence for medical reasons be done? Schools see this more often than they like to admit because this is a volatile age.</p>

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<p>That might be a good way to get him to go see a psychologist.</p>

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<p>It sounds like the way was being paved with troubles with the bureaucracy, before this incident. Is that possible? Was he formerly very idealistic, and showing signs of disillusion with adults and authority?</p>

<p>Sometimes “good kids” have extreme reactions to run- ins with authority, who are treating them like “bad kids,” an experience that is new to them. It can be traumatic. Another example would be a kid thrown in jail for some murky reason that was undeserved. They can then react with self-harming behavior.</p>

<p>Was he experiencing some kind of moral outrage along with disillusionment, because of this incident? Was his inflexiblity a kind of going on strike? Does he articulate not wanting to deal with a school that treats kids like this, or something like that?</p>

<p>Perhaps all the good stuff he has achieved masked some rigidity in thinking. Or perhaps some naivety? Does he expect justice in the world?</p>

<p>I kid you not, our kids were treated so awfully sometimes in our elementary school. I protested at the kitchen table once, and one of my kids answered, “but Mom, you know there is no justice in the world.” In a strange way, I felt relieved, as if my kids were beyond me in some pragmatic way.</p>

<p>One of my kids, though accomplished, has a health condition that caused her to experience discrimination, difficulty with accommodations, and even experience lying on the part of adult staff in the school, at all levels, age 4-18. We discussed “institutional behavior” all the time, and how there are often agendas to which we are not privy (money, liability, staffing troubles, etc.) which would explain behavior if only we knew what they were. We also discussed institutional needs to defend itself no matter what, much like an organism that sprouts quills or shoots toxins. Observing the behavior of adults engaged in this kind of “institutional behavior” can be profoundly disturbing and if you son is not used to it, actually traumatic.</p>

<p>In this case, perhaps it would help him to understand why the university behaves like that around students drinking in the dorms. A kid could die, there could be violence or damage, and a state school is also obliged to enforce the law. It is not fair, because many at private schools, including elite schools, drink a lot in dorm parties. But there is a reason for the enforcement, and it does not involve him. It is NOT PERSONAL.</p>

<p>It would seem as if, as a “good kid”, whatever happened at that time felt, to him, like a personal attack, and he is on the defensive, still maintaining his identity intact by resisting.</p>

<p>Did he describe the incident in detail, and how the kids were treated or talked to? </p>

<p>I would suggest treatment for trauma, perhaps something like EMDR in which he can relive it. Along with that, some very pragmatic talk about how institutions behave and when and whether to yield on one’s own personal convictions, in order to preserve a path of value. Clearly this triggered something very powerfully in him.</p>

<p>This almost sounds like a moral crisis gone awry. It may be your son’s strengths that are causing him problems, rather than his weaknesses (will, morals, valuing his own virtues, etc.). But I could be way, way off…</p>

<p>p.s. If presented to the school by a professional as some sort of trauma, he should be able to get those F’s wiped clean. For the future, that would be a worry. But emotionally, I would think he would eventually learn some resilience and gain some strategies for survival from all this, eventually.</p>

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<p>This is a good thing for all parents to discuss with their kids going off to college. There are a lot of things that can seem unfair to college students and, in some cases, things are just plain unfair. But a lot about life is unfair. Most kids learn this growing up and I think that the OP’s son knew this too. I don’t think that there are any kids that went through K12 that never felt that they were treated unfairly in their school days. I would recommend Until Proven Innocent for kids about to enter college - talk about unfair!</p>

<p>There was nothing about the OP’s son’s school arresting the kids involved and I assume that the school handled things internally which would keep the students’ records clean which would benefit them when looking for work or in possible hearings for public jobs. In that, the OP’s son got a break. That’s something that could be explained to him when he calms down and is receptive.</p>

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<p>Compmom - You are very much correct. My son’s moral indignation reflects both his strengths and his weaknesses. </p>

<p>Everyone who suggests medical leave: This has been and remains readily available to our son. However, because he is an adult, he has to be the one to request. Unless I have him committed and assume power of attorney or whatever, he has to be the one to request it. I mentioned in my narrative that we tried to “fix this.” One of the things we tried really hard to do was to arrange for a medical withdrawal. Doing so will/would preserve his GPA as you suggest. However, for the longest time he refused to even consider it because it would require an admission that he did something “wrong” and/or “needs help.” </p>

<p>Only recently did he agree to see someone here, who wrote a letter in support of medical leave. Under the strict terms of the university’s medical withdrawal procedures, this letter more than justified his leave. However, given how our son burned bridges, the school may very well not accept it - even though, by definition, the impulsivity and everything else underscores the need for medical intervention. Paradoxically, then, the university is requiring my son to perform an act that, in his present state of emotional turmoil, he may not be able to deliver. So as of now he remains in limbo, which exacerbates his turmoil.</p>

<p>For those of you who have suggested spouse and I get counseling and support, we are way ahead of you there. Read through some of the thoughts we have about letting him be and accepting that we cannot fix or change the situation. I’d love to take credit for that kind of fortitude, but we can only credit open-mindedness to professionals who are helping us frame our attitude so our lives, and our marriage, can survive this.</p>

<p>Which brings me back to our original request - any more happy stories of redemption? I’d love to see reason for optimism…</p>