<p>OP here. Thanks so much for all of these very helpful responses. There is a lot to ponder here and I really appreciate it. I realized as I was reading through these responses is that one of the reasons it is hard for me not to just let things go for a while is that refusing even to open a positive admissions letter seems to show such a lack of respect – a lack of respect for the admissions committee considering her application carefully and sending a package designed to be enticing, and a lack of respect to us, her parents, who are going to be sacrificing a lot to pay for this expensive education. It seems so self-indulgent to say, “Sorry, too stressful for me to even open the package.” Also, I am admittedly irritated by the fact that she has to turn even the pay-off moment of opening a letter that is clearly an acceptance into an angst ridden event. So there are probably dynamics going on about that, too. I’m sure she knows that I think that opening an acceptance letter is supposed to be a happy moment so she probably is feeling controlled and pressured to behave in a certain way on top of everything else. </p>
<p>It is very nice to have this anonymous forum to frankly admit these sorts of feelings and to exchange stories. I am going to go through all of the replies very carefully. Please keep the thoughts coming!</p>
<p>Here’s what can work well. We set aside Sunday brunch time to discuss college stuff. During week we didn’t say a word unless dd did. Dd knowing that each interaction with parents was Not going to be about college was a relief to everyone. We remembered there were lots of other things to talk about. Prom. Spring cleaning. The oscars. Music. Dogs.</p>
<p>So, tell your daughter you will make her a deal. All college mail will get put in a basket. And during week, no one will mention it. However, on Sundays, you/she will open the mail, read it, and see what the next step might be. Like noting on a calendar when you need to make decision by and how. Very clean and simple. Be very business like. And when done with that, no more isn’t this so exciting!!! Just go about your business. </p>
<p>Tell daughter this is going to be the family compromise. And that you understand the nerves, but practically speaking, Daughter needs to have the timeline so she doesn’t miss importsnt information, like accepting scholarships or finals. And financially you need to have a clue.</p>
<p>Has D been diagnosed with a panic disorder? I hear Mom say ADHD and “anxiety”, but that can mean all kinds of things.</p>
<p>She may, in fact, be being a bit disrespectful and flippantly rude. She wouldn’t be the first teenager to do that either. ;)</p>
<p>Maybe you can use the first Sunday session to just get the collective bearings? Find out why she’s behaving that way, and ask her if she realized how it translates to you. I’m sure she’s not intending all of that, and she probably hasn’t thought about it that way. But once you present her with it, lovingly, with concern for where she’s coming from too, then I’ll bet the behavior changes and communication gets better. Also tell her that you wish this could be a more exciting and pleasant time for her and ask her what would make it that way?</p>
<p>I was doing a lot of working and fretting on D2’s behalf and we had to come to some agreements. Some of those were:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>A punchlist/timeline on the fridge with due dates and drop dead dates. I didn’t bother her about any of the items on the list until a day or two before the due date, when I would simply ask about it, and then drop it. If the due date came and went with no action on her part I would start riding her until it was complete. (Actually, this may have only happened ONE TIME). Due dates were set one week prior to the “drop dead date” which was the “real” due date.</p></li>
<li><p>I opened NO college correspondence. However, SHE opened them promptly as soon as she got home from school. I wanted the stuff opened - she wanted control (completely reasonable and right) - so this was our agreement. Plus, it added excitement for her. It’s not very exciting if MOM is opening your acceptance letter! In our case, she was already accepted, but the correspondence was important to her too.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>These things kind of took me out of the driver’s seat and into more of a monitoring role, which was more appropriate and I think that made her much happier and reduced stress for both of us.</p>
<p>This was AFTER the “You have to get engaged and busy in this process, or you’ll be living in a van down by the river that runs past the community college!” discussion.</p>
<p>Its unclear if she has been diagnosed.
However, the language used by OP to describe his daughter raises a flag IMO, especially when you combine descriptors like “Like a little kid”, " generally a lot of anxiety", " extreme apathy", " terrified", " very young" with " lack of respect", & " self- indulgent".</p>
<p>I don’t understand why OP opened her mail. I do understand that he was given permission to do so by his daughter, but I don’t understand what he thought it would accomplish other than to satisfy his curiosity.</p>
<p>I like the advice about setting a timeline and about Sunday sessions. However, I’m more concerned about your daughter’s anxiety. This is what I’m hearing: The only school she’s interested in one that’s close by but a big reach. She doesn’t even want to open envelopes and avoids the topic. She seems to be terrified to leave home. She sounds, to my I-don’t-know-your-daughter-personally ear, like someone who might not be ready to leave home yet. I doubt she’s being disrespectful to the admissions committees. She’s just very anxious. Having had a lot of anxiety as a child, I understand and my heart goes out to her.</p>
<p>Is there a community college nearby that she could drive to for classes? Is that possibility even on the table? Could you bring it up, in a positive way, as another option? That might let you know whether she’s really just having normal cold feet or whether she’s wracked with anxiety that needs to be treated. If it’s normal worrying, she might decide at that point to be more enthusiastic about college. If it’s something more, she may be relieved to get your blessing to live at home for another two years, and you could address her anxiety together.</p>
<p>Because your D is such a good student, the weight of expectations may feel that much more heavy on her to get into a “top” school and be happy to go off to college. After years of working hard in HS and on tests, some kids really do burn out. So a parents happiness (and relief!) at acceptances may feel less flattering to her if she has a stubborn streak, is feeling overwhelmed, has anxiety, and doesn’t truly have a second choice school she loves. </p>
<p>As you have gone ahead and opened her admissions letters–with permission–(and it’s understandable if there is FinAid info and/or scholarships to weigh) I think you have accidentally turned her honest anxious feelings and worry into part of a teenage parent-child standoff. That’s so hard to avoid since parents needs (if FA is of paramount question) and kid needs (to avoid facing second-choice schools just yet) are in conflict.</p>
<p>My only gentle suggestion to add to the excellent advice given above might be to accept her feelings are as valid as yours, just different right now. It is more than likely she could use your comfort and support just when you are most exasperated. Later, when all the envelopes are in, decisions can and will be made. </p>
<p>Right now, I think you may have to be privately happy and relieved she has some good admissions, and know that she doesn’t mean disrespect to anyone. More likely, she’s overwhelmed with the uncertainty of where she’ll end up.</p>
<p>I totally agree with Mathmom. My son does not want to talk about the colleges anymore until he hears from his number 1 choice. He has assured me that within days after hearing from that school he will “talk.” He’s got some great choices already in the bag so I’m zipping my lips for now. </p>
<p>I just was cleaning out the “college file cabinet” this past weekend and came across S2’s only “no” letter…and I vividly recall him opening that and announcing where he was going to attend and that was that. Wait to “diagnose” her until she hears from the number one choice.</p>
<p>“Maybe she just doesn’t want to think about it until she’s heard from the one she likes best.” That was my first thought too. </p>
<p>Or she might be lamenting the end of senior year, parting from her friends. Good luck sorting through this. There’s also a good possibility that she is not ready.</p>
<p>I disagree that the mail can just be left unopened until the kid is ready to cope with it. You might miss a scholarship invitation, housing deadline, or other time-critical information. If a kid isn’t willing or able to look at the mail (also: email, website, prospective student account) then s/he should give the parent permission to do so.</p>
<p>My own D1 got so burned out that she declared she was <em>done</em> writing scholarship apps. It’s entirely possible that she left some money sitting on the table. I wasn’t happy about that, but sometimes you’ve just got to let things go. Still, you don’t want to miss anything too important!</p>
<p>I think the extremes of teenage personalities come out during the stress of college application/acceptance season. My D, who has always been a procrastinator, waited until 11:59 (1 minute before a midnight deadline for making a deposit) on the last day to make her college decision, even though she’d had every piece of information she needed to make the decision for nearly 3 months. Her friend, who obsesses the minutia, had a spreadsheet the likes of which you’ve never seen, with varying points assigned to every aspect of her dozen plus schools you could possibly imagine. </p>
<p>I don’t think it’s disrespectful to not open the college letters immediately. Most of the colleges are not expecting a reply until May 1. That said, if she doesn’t get excited when the envelope comes from her first choice school, it’s probably time for a heart to heart about whether she really wants to head off to college in the fall.</p>
<p>My DS is burned out on the whole college talk. He applied to all the schools we selected. However he never wanted to talk about it. Once he got all the acceptances he still didn’t want to talk about it. All he would say was he was afraid he was going to make the wrong choice. Finally last week he made his choice. There really wasn’t a lot of discussion between us and him about it other than laying of the cost differences.
He just said he felt the college he picked was the most logical option and he was ready to move on. He seems relieved the decision has been made. However even now he really doesn’t want to talk about college he would rather enjoy the rest of his senior year. I wouldn’t worry too much just give her a deadline on when she needs to make her decision. If you need to visit some colleges before then just schedule the visits and take her.</p>
<p>There is another angle that perhaps your daughter has not considered.</p>
<p>It seems to me that your daughter is attached to the life she has now, the comfort and familiarity of her high school, her friends, her neighborhood. She doesn’t WANT things to change, she likes things just as they are.</p>
<p>What she doesn’t realize is that whether she engages in the college planning or not, things ARE going to change. Come September, her friends are not going to be at the high school or in the neighborhood–they are going to be in college. Her comfort zone is going to be moving on.</p>
<p>Would another approach work better? I know that when my boys have been reluctant to talk about certain things, we have done better communicating in writing. We have had quite deep and meaningful conversations on email when oral communication has been difficult or uncomfortable.</p>
<p>Good luck on this challenging time with your D. I think this point in sr. is difficult for many–waiting, waiting, waiting, all those scholarship aps and essays, realizing the end really is near and long-term friends will be scattering.</p>
<p>S1 was, ummm. very under-excited as the acceptance letters came in. I asked why he wasn’t excited and happy. His answer was he wasn’t getting excited until he knew the answers from his reaches and #1 choice. In retrospect, I’m not sure that was a bad attitude to have.</p>
<p>I would want the envelopes opened as they often have additional information which may need addressed promptly. They often also have the financial aid info.</p>
<p>I agree mail needs to be dealt with. That’s why doing it on Sunday’s is fine. It would only at most be sitting around for five business days, and responded to the next day. </p>
<p>Just day in and day out talking about anything can make people tense.</p>
<p>So having the once a week discussion can be very helpful. You tell your colleg bound kid this is how we can compromise. Yu get some peace during the week, and for an hour or so Sundays, mom and dad get their itch scratched.</p>
<p>It sounds as if she has already completed her applications so there probably isn’t much to do now but wait. If she is anxious about pondering the “what if’s” of each college, just gather up all the acceptance letters and when they all arrive sit down and make a pro/con list of each choice. If she gets in her top choice and if the financial package is workable - just sign up and be done with it. If not, pick the next top two and revisit. I agree with the posters who said that she may just be overwhelmed and not ready to focus. I am that way myself when I have a lot on my plate. Don’t ask me what I want to do Saturday night when it is only Monday. I have too much to do inbetween now and then that I can’t even think that far ahead. She doesn’t have all the pieces yet to make a decision so why worry about it until she does. As far as the posters who said she isn’t ready, perhaps that is the case, but probably not. It is quite normal to be overwhelmed at this point in the process.</p>
<p>I agree with Cromette about putting together a schedule backwards. It is likely that you want to talk about it too early and she might want to talk about it too late. The schedule will make it apparent to both of you when the appropriate time is to start hashing this out. And using this schedule as a launching pad to discuss feelings, fears, hopes, dreams.</p>
<p>Making potential life changing decisions, going into the unknown, losing the familiar, and life will change regardless even if she takes a gap year, is probably overwhelming. It’s probably percolating in her subconscious, though right now, even if she is not showing it.</p>
<p>Op, I read further down thread…my D, too, did not open any of her acceptance letters, or she would find out on-line and not really let us know of her acceptances. I think that she was burned out about the whole process along with the constant battles with me to get her apps in and choose schools etc. In fact, she was strongly considering taking a gap year and deferring her acceptance for 1 year due to burnout. But she got chipper again in the late spring.</p>
<p>I’d try to get her to an overnight visit to the college where she has been accepted that you think would be the best fit for her. That can often get students excited about college life, and about a particular college. That sealed the deal for my son in his college choices.</p>
<p>My D has exhibited some (but not all) of the OP’s D’s behaviors this year. Although she does want to know what is in the final envelopes from each (but has asked me to just open all mail from colleges, and just tell her what she needs to know). Agree that some fear of change, and just some lack of understanding of the timeline plays into this, at least for my kid.</p>
<p>One other thing to know is that April is SHORT when you are trying to get in visits, finalize any last financial aid details, and make a decision. If she has acceptances that are not too far away, I think you need to encourage her to go see them. If she is wallowing in rejection from choice #1, that is not the best time to see other campuses for the first time… Maybe make a plan to see whatever she has not seen yet (and is likely to get accepted to) in March. I agree that putting it on a timeline might help her see “later”. </p>
<p>You might also talk to about the option of deferring/gap year. But she should go ahead and get a college identified if possible, I think. Then she can decide for sure. But if what she really wants is just another senior year of high school, that obviously won’t be the case. You could also talk about Community College if she really doesn’t feel ready to leave home. Just calmly put it out as an option, and if she quickly rejects it, then you need to tell her that “Later has come”, and she needs to work with you to make a plan to get her visits done so she can make a decision in April.</p>
<p>There is no one right way to do this. If your daughter has good grades, good test scores and applied well enough to be receiving big envelopes, then maybe it’s you with the problem. There is nothing your daughter needs to do right now except enjoy her senior year and keep her grades up. She doesn’t have to make a decision until May 1, and then after that point, she doesn’t have to do anything much until later in the summer. Just because your daughter isn’t giving you the jumping up and down payoff that you wanted doesn’t mean that she isn’t ready for college. Let her enjoy her senior year. It sounds like she has done everything right and is enjoying this wonderful time in her life. Leave her alone. I would be sympathetic to your plight if she was procrastinating something important, but she’s not. She is just not reacting in the way that you want.</p>
<p>One of my daughters opened and fussed over every envelope. The other always had a plan to pretty much do nothing until she had everything in hand. The plan was that she would spread all her envelopes on the dining room table and then take out the definite nos and work from there. That’s exactly what she did. No big emotion, but a fully appropriate decision in the proper time.</p>
<p>Edited to add that this is a great time for you to practice stepping back and letting your daughter do things in her own way in her own time. Which is harder than it sounds. Good luck!</p>