<p>You describe your D as self-indulgent and you complain that she is not showing you respect. You are irritated by “the fact that she has to turn even the pay-off moment of opening a letter that is clearly an acceptance into an angst ridden event.” This is the way that you perceive her behavior. In your original post, you mention that she has been experiencing a lot of anxiety. IMO, you seem to lack empathy for her especially if she is suffering from anxiety issues. This all seems to be about you. I apologize if I seem to be harsh. Just the way I’m interpreting what you’ve described.</p>
<p>As the parent of a student with anxiety disorder who was not ready to live away at college, I see some of the same red flags as emeraldKity. If your D is pushing aside everything college because of her anxiety, it’s time to start talking about her concerns. If you make the discussion about her feelings about the process and leaving home, you should get a sense for whether this is senior apathy or anxiety.</p>
<p>If it is anxiety, she may benefit more from gradual exposure than ignoring what’s bothering her. College visits or just talking more about what next year will be like could help. Also discuss a realistic backup plan and counseling if she is not ready in the fall.</p>
<p>There is a lot of speculation about WHY both mother and daughter think and behave the way they do. That’s why I think a conversation between the two could clear up a lot. Not a heated debate, but a sincere conversation about how each person feels might draw sympathy and a deeper level of understanding from both camps.</p>
<p>It is not true that there is nothing to do right now but keep grades up. Many schools have special honors apps to fill out once you are accepted with essays and/or some extra small scholarship applications with yet more essays. This gets really difficult as most kids are pretty burnt out by now and understandably just don’t want to do anymore. And especially if they now have their hearts set on one place (for which they may continue to do the requisite tasks and work hard) but which can’t yet be finalized because waiting on audition results or final financial packages. So what if that one special place turns out a no go but kid hasn’t filled out honors and housing apps and so forth for the remaining schools to ensure that if she ends up attending one of them, the experience will be as low cost and high quality as possible? What if some of those unopened e-mails and letters contain requests for more documents for financial aid or extra info for midyear stuff, like self-reported grades? I really like the idea of having a limited set time each week set aside to deal with things, am going try that. It’s getting a bit late with this one, but may lead to improved atmosphere for our younger one. Wish I would have thought of that myself.</p>
<p>That is exactly the point I was trying to make earlier.</p>
<p>Right now, I know that:</p>
<p>Our housing application window is closed (we did it in time, thank heavens)</p>
<p>There are scholarships we were notified by mail that we had to respond for acceptance, these dates are mid March</p>
<p>There are scholarship deadlines all the time from various sources - and we are receiving questions from scholarship committees by mail</p>
<p>We have a tight summer schedule, and half of the orientation sessions have already filled up. (Again, we got the application in on time, thank heavens)</p>
<p>I’m just saying that it’s not necessarily true that there is nothing to do except enjoy senior year.</p>
Then the student faces the consequences, but it doesn’t sound like that is really happening here. Mom doesn’t say that she is missing deadlines or not doing things that need to be done. She just isn’t acting excited at this point.</p>
<p>Right, Cromette. Agreeing with you and others.</p>
<p>Another thing, for at least one of D’s schools (actually choice #1) all the math and other placement tests need to be completed by early May at the latest because they do all their orientation/registration days in March-May, not in late summer. If she ends up there, probably we’ll go in April. She’ll take two levels of math placement tests, and foreign language. Not a worry, but one more thing to get done and fit in already packed schedule.</p>
<p>She is in an orchestra that does an annual late summer concert which she really enjoys and for which they need to line up participants each year well in advance, like now. But that would overlap many marching band camps and so she has to decide if she wants to do marching band wherever she goes, which she does, but some of the music profs frown on it, so pondering that takes up mental space. </p>
<p>AP policies need to be examined at the various schools and likelihood of attending some of them assessed since sign-up for AP tests is first 2 weeks of March where we live. So for our family- do the schools accept EnvSc and MusicTh, for others maybe it’s WorldHist that is questionable, and how high a score do you need? Is the $100 per test and the study time likely to be worth it? AP policies vary. At some of her schools once you have credit for AP EngLit there isn’t much point in taking AP EngLang since schools want to force you to take at least one semester freshman English and may not give any more ‘real’ credit for a 2nd AP Eng, just general credit that won’t help you avoid GenEds. Right now my D got the idea of taking EngLang as an extra test though HS doesn’t offer the class, since EngLit turned out to be just the right kind of test for her, but need to assess the cost/benefits. If she really wants to do an extra test, maybe there is a different one that would be better.</p>
<p>Now that she got into some music schools, need to find a piano teacher she likes who has studio openings and spend some months brushing up on her rusty skills for the piano placement test as all the kids take piano for 2 years.</p>
<p>Yeah, I really get it that this is a hard time for kids.</p>
<p>zoosermom, you are right. I guess I’m just extrapolating from our own experiences and imagining that these kinds of ‘to dos’ might be reasons OP is having issues with D’s behavior. But it is deviating from what she expresses. Sorry.</p>
<p>One other idea - look through information on activities and organizations at a couple colleges that may catch her interest. Then, see if you can meet up with someone from that group during a visit to the college, or to attend one of their activities.</p>
<p>Also, some high school students are more comfortable with college if they know they can keep touch with their current friends. Offer to arrange transportation for her to visit her friends at other colleges a couple times during the first semester. If it is too far to easily drive back and forth, look into Amtrak, Megabus service, etc.</p>
<p>Once she picks a college, she should immediately join the facebook page for that entering class and seek out a compatible roommate.</p>
<p>You might look through some online videos of particular college lectures that stir some interest in college academics. Some colleges have day long programs for high school students on particular interesting academic subjects.</p>
<p>Hi – OP here again. I really appreciate the thoughtful advice that you all have shared. I’m still absorbing your posts, so I won’t respond to each individually, but I’ve already started to implement your suggestions and it seems to have reduced the tension a bit. Last night, I told my daughter we would look at her mail and calendar dates together on Sunday morning over breakfast, but that she didn’t have to get into decision-mode until all results were in. I also said that, unless there were deadlines that required action, she should enjoy her friends and classes until April 1 without worrying too much about college stuff. She visibly relaxed and said, “THANK YOU, MOM” in a very heartfelt way. A little while later, totally uncharacteristically, she started talking a bit about her concerns about some of her schools – stuff she’s read on facebook regarding difficulty in getting certain classes at one school, social stuff at another. Very low key, but a breakthrough of sorts.</p>
<p>As far as the anxiety goes, she’s not worried about academics so much as making friends and fitting in. She had some ups and downs in high school with friends and has finally found her people – a group of nice kids who get along very well, are super smart and creative, and who have no interest in the high drama that characterized some of the other groups that she had hung out with. These kids are all non-partiers who play guitar and write music, work on art projects together, and generally look out for each other. It took along time for this group to coalesce and now they are all scattering. She’s pretty shy and – unfortunately – can be hyper-sensitive to all the social hierarchies around her. I know she is very scared of the social unknowns facing her at college, and it’s hard for me to know how to help her.</p>
<p>In response to someone’s question, she’s on medication for her ADHD (completely necessary for her) and sees a physician regularly for that. It has been suggested that she might benefit from CBT and/or medication for the anxiety, but she has declined both.</p>
<p>Remind her everyone is new in college and that no one has a history or expectations of how people are. So she can write her own story. And you don’t need a million friends there. A few good ones, a few you see at clubs, etc are plenty. </p>
<p>Find a few organizations that really interest her. Hang out in the library. Volunteer. Try new things. So many kids see highschool as the world and once they get to college it’s a whole new arena. No cliques. No real bullies. Lots of support. And a myriad of choices and things to do with like minded people who are doing it not for a college app, but becuase they want to do it.</p>
<p>It’s amazing when we back off just a bit, they make a step forward!!!</p>
<p>Newname your story sounds much like mine last year. My son “peaked” late in finding that great group of friends, and just as they solidified it was over. I had a kid really grieving leaving his school, it was that good.<br>
I figured out that its a) hard to let go of one branch until you have a grasp on the next and b) its just normal to fear the unknown.<br>
the one thing that I think really helped him was attending a preorientation program where he got to meet people before the rest arrived, and reminding him it wasn’t “forever” in that he would still have his old friends and could skype them and see them on breaks. It all turned out okay, but he did pick a small LAC…and like oldguy…I am not seeing any vacation spots beyond my backyard, but he is happy…</p>
<p>Newname, thanks for giving us an update. Sounds like things are headed in the right direction. That’s wonderful that she opened up to you about some of her concerns.</p>
<p>Awww, Newname, that’s great! Maybe she just really NEEDED to feel like you were TRYING to connect and sympathize with her. This is a really rough time for her. Remember that if she’s acting a little more squirrelly than usual, she’s probably suffering a bit. Just love her and let her feel it. Sounds like you might be headed in the right direction! Yay!!!</p>
<p>Wonderful Newname. We found Sunday mornings to be a good time to do that college stuff too that way you and she both know that the rest of the week no discussion will forcibly take place. Takes the foot off the gas.</p>
<p>You will find the once a week scheduled talk, and parents not talking or starting the conversations about college, the senior will open up more. They get less defensive and feel in control of the conversations. And I bet you sooner then later she will open the envelopes when they arrive and not wait till Sundays. Just be strong and don’t ask if they don’t share right away. Sunday is just around the corner!!!</p>
<p>" she’s on medication for her ADHD (completely necessary for her)" - If she is not already in full charge of her meds, try to make that happen now. I’ve read quite a few posts about students going off to college and struggling because they didn’t have habits established for meds. Same deal for waking self in the the morning.</p>