<p>Like sjmom and some of the other posters--we paid what we needed to for the school that each child determined "fit" them best. Some were more than others, but there was no compensation. One son was offered a merit scholarship at a school he didn't really want to attend--he asked if he went there, could he have some reimbursement? No way. As someone else said, we are paying for an education for each individual child. One of mine didn't have to have orthodontics and he didn't get the money for that either.;).</p>
<p>"One of mine didn't have to have orthodontics and he didn't get the money for that either.."</p>
<p>How funny! I hope my younger daughter never thinks of that one because she has a tally sheet in her head!</p>
<p>ZM, you must be waaay more popular than I am...your PM box is full and I can't reply.</p>
<p>S1,excellent student on full-ride at state u and and also works 18 hrs. a week.</p>
<p>S2, h.s. jr. very average B/C student, not very motivated about sch. Has no idea what he wants to do and avoids discussing it. Pretty good football player, has held same p/t job for over a year, has other good qualities but not academic ones. Will probably end up at our local CC.</p>
<p>Have saved equivalent of COA at a state u for each boy. </p>
<p>S1 has been told that any $$ not used for his college will be his upon graduation to get started in his adult life. He won't buy a car unless his beloved 7 year old pick-up has blown up by then. He is already planning his retirement and talking about buying some land as an investment!</p>
<p>S2 knows of the above deal. Soooo, if S2 ends up at the local CC (costing very little) and gets a 2 year degree and stops at that, do we give him the money saved for him?<br>
Is it fair to S1 when it appears he has worked much harder for it? But then wouldn't it also be unfair to S2 not to give it to him to get started when he is truly not as academically gifted as his bro. and has (maybe) chosen the best path for him by going to the CC? </p>
<p>TheAnalyst, I think our kids are clones!</p>
<p>"One of mine didn't have to have orthodontics and he didn't get the money for that either"</p>
<p>Hm, I always thought that my sister who didn't have to have braces was the one getting the unfair advantage! I'd much rather avoid that misery than get an extra $5000 in my college fund.</p>
<p>PackMom: How about awarding the unspent budget after any one earns a bachelor's degree...that's what you save for, right? Unless, of course, there is some vocational training S2 does which actually puts him into a field of his passion in which he is working and successful?</p>
<p>I have the same kind of thoughts when I budget the kids college money from us based on what it would cost to live in the dorm, but one D goes through money like water & one is frugal....do I reduce the amount to the frugal one or is it a lesson to gain the benefit of her frugality??</p>
<p>idk if this will help anyone, but my parents had their own approach--</p>
<p>from when we first started looking at colleges, my sister and i were each told that my parents had x dollars to spend on our education. we were told that anything that didn't get spent on tuition/board (whether we got scholarships, or went to cheaper schools) could be spent on "other things"--study abroad or, eventually, a wedding. </p>
<p>my sister chose a good public school, got a full-tuition scholarship, and has studied in both mexico and italy.</p>
<p>(i'm trying to decide between full-tuition at some good private schools, or perhaps a better education, yet much more expensive, at an ivy).</p>
<p>it's interesting for me to throw in that she went to private middle school, whereas i opted for public (we both went to private for gradeschool). i never really resented the $ difference, though...didn't actually think about it until now. and we both had braces :-)</p>
<p>Hmm interesting thread. I felt compelled to post, even though I'm not a parent, simply because I'm in a situation similar to the OP. </p>
<p>A little bit about me, I live in Michigan, and I'm a twin. My brother has slightly better grades then me, while my EC's + essays were better then his. So far, we've both been accepted at state-flagship (UMich). Luckily, for both of us, neither of us have much of a problem going to Michigan, although we'd both prefer to go OOS to some private school (Northwestern, WashU, etc.) </p>
<p>But, taking into consideration that if we both go OOS, that'll mean our parents will have to shell out about 90k in tuition/room+board per year. Which is something, they obviously cannot afford. Our EFC was 63k (so 27k per child). Considering that UMich more than 20k cheaper (UMich costs 18k for in-state, while most of the privates we applied to were around 40-45k). My parents knew that if one of us attended UMich, they would be able to afford to send the other one OOS.</p>
<p>Since we had both been accepted at UMich, my parents decided that if one of us wishes to go OOS, then the other will have to go to UMich. However, if we both wish to go OOS, my parents will pay an equivalent amount that UMich costs (so 18k). Which means, if we both go OOS, then both us would have to pay the difference in tuition (after financial aid of course, so we'd get about 15k + 18k = 33k, and both of us have to make 7k per year for tution/room+board). </p>
<p>My parents made this clear that they would only pay that much, so in order to go OOS for either of us, one of two things must happen 1. the other child goes to Michigan or 2. 7k per year has to be paid by ourselves. My parents said we could go ahead and bargain with each other, (for example, I say I'll go to Michigan if you pay me 4k a year, so that way my brother can go OOS, and only have to pay me 4k a year). </p>
<p>In conclusion, this worked out quite nicely. Right now, UMich is our #1 choice for both of us (so my parents are actually quite happy cause they save lots of money...not to mention my dad is a UMich alumni anyways, so he'll be happy) unless we extremely good financial aid packages...</p>
<p>Hope posting my situation helps :S</p>
<p>Anxious mom etal great thread!</p>
<p>I have ben having this discussion with several friends. The question is are you paying for the opportunity to get the best education or just providing a certain lump sum just for reaching college age? Let's say first child looks around and finds best college and parents say they agree to pay up to $100 k. Student funds the rest or takes loans etc. Next child comes along. The major or whatever provides student with a chance to go free to a top school. Do you then just give second student 100 K? Is that fair to the first student? If you agreed up front to give each child 100 K then the incentive might be only to choose a school for best cost, not for best edcuation. If you fund opportunity then student might choose best opportunity that just happens to be less overall. Great debate!</p>
<p>The twin situation would certainly make it harder. With mine, 3 years apart, then 2 years before the last--the kids really didn't compare what we spent on the other siblings.</p>
<p>My oldest pointed out that the youngest's school is more expensive than he or his sister's schools were/are. My response was that each of them picked their own schools, for their own reasons and we agreed as their parents to pay for their education--we did not tell them which school to choose, so don't complain now that one got more than the other.</p>
<p>Same goes for grad school--we will probably help out as needed for grad school expenses (or in living expenses). If one goes to grad school and the others don't--well that is each one's individual choice.</p>
<p>I guess it was easier for us to do it this way as we never had designated money for each individual child--it was just "college money" to be used for education of the children.</p>
<p>Now, ask me about Christmas. For that I keep a list of everything bought and the exact amount of each gift. I make sure that everyone's total is the same, and if off--they get the balance in cash to make it even ;).</p>
<p>Mkm56: LOL :) Lot's of good ideas here, guys! Just a note on the car issue - both my kids drove late due to my frugality! Budgeting insurance money for kid's driving is/was not a priority.. in fact, DS just got his license recently, and only has access to a car now when I loan him mine - so he doesn't drive often. There will be no cars freshman year, but hubby and I have talked about the possibility of helping him buy a car later on. Okay - let the discussion continue!!!! ;)</p>
<p>Going against the majority..... We told both of our kids (three college years apart) that we would pay x amount of money for college. They could apply anywhere they would like, we would co-sign for loans but we were only paying x amount. Son applied to slightly less challenging colleges then his sister but both were offered about the same in merit aid. Both are in private colleges but we're not paying much more then state u. My in-laws did the same thing for my husband and his siblings.</p>
<p>pretty interesting question and great responses. I've spent a bunch time thinking about this in an even bigger picture ... theorectically we will split our estate evenly between our 3 kids and we also believe in their making their own way ... and then there are a whole bunch of situations where we will/might transfer money sooner. The case described here to help pay for school and what is fair if they pick different cost options. We also might help with buying homes ... should we help a child who decides to teach in the inner city more than the one who becomes an investment banker (this one sures feels like a yes)? ... what about help pay for school for the grandkids? Lots of chances to tick off our kids with our decisions about what we feel is fair. BTW - I'm leaning towards the final pot will get split evenly while it may get dispersed to each kid at very different points and in different amounts through their lives ... e.g., the kid who gets the most for college may get less 30 years later when Mom3togo and I kick the bucket.</p>
<p>3togo this reminds me of something my youngest did when he was about 4 years old. A relative had died and he had witnessed the family cleaning out the house and dividing up possessions. One day I noticed him with a roll of masking tape and a crayon. When I inquired as to what he was doing, he replied that he was "marking his stuff". I started checking and he had put his name on various pieces of furniture and knickknacks that he was claiming upon our deaths. LOL He swears to this day that he has no memory of this event.</p>
<p>IMO - If the parents choose to pay for the kid's college education, I don't think it equates to providing a particular sum of money to a particular kid and can't be equated to a gift in the 'fairness' sense - it's for 'college', not the 'kid'. The parents are paying for the college for each and if one happens to end up as full cost and the other a full ride or one ends up at a more expensive college then so be it. The full ride kid can be proud of themselves for their accomplishment. The full cost kid will hopefully be grateful for the parents' generosity.</p>
<p>Another approach would be to view the family's resources as 'pooled' and the money is spent as needed and of course, it won't necessarily be evenly split between recipients. The kids should get the idea of it being 'gift' money out of their head.</p>
<p>I definitely wouldn't offset with a car or cash just so one kid could know that the parents spent the same amount of money on them as the sibling. </p>
<p>I think the parent is better off saving the money in the event one or both kids go to grad school (assuming the parent will pay for this also for sake of argument). You never know if the cheap undergrad kid might go to an expensive grad school and the expensive undergrad kid might go to a cheaper grad school or skip it altogether.</p>
<p>Nope. Grad school is on their dime - regardless of the decision we make regarding undergrad for DS. Hubby and I did grad school while birthing babies and working full/parttime, and, although I wouldn't recommend it for everyone, it worked out great for us. In my mind, I stop being responsible for the care and feeding (and financial support) of my children once they have received their undergraduate degrees!</p>
<p>ucucdad: That is the same way we are leaning.You pay what is needed to help each child get the education they/need desire. It is not "Here this is your money because you decide not to got to college or choose a cheap alternative. As I said you are paying for an educational "opportunity". What that cost is may or may not be the same for each child.</p>
<p>as a daughter I would have to say that it would depend on whether you push (or strongly encourage) either of the kids towards the less expensive options. If the kids picked out where to go, then its their decision and there's no reason to feel at all guilty or to add a car to even out the money spent. However, if youre pushing the kid to attend a cheaper school, then i think thats another story. </p>
<p>My parents offered to give me up to 100k in whatever scholarships I could get to spend during college/have after graduation, but I chose to go a place without merit aid anyway.</p>