family help..?

Parents Forum
1

<p>Ive been a frequent lurker on these boards, and finally decided to register.
Instead of coming with a college-related topic, I have a more family-related issue I need help with. My family, over the past few years, has gotten very distant from one another. We rarely do things together anymore, and for the most part are never even in the same room at once in our house.</p>

<p>I want for us to be close again, like we were a long time ago; i just don't know how. My younger brother is involved in his hs stuff (he's a very extracurritcularly involved junior) and just likes to be left alone, my older brother (a junior in college) is just quiet and never really has much to say, I'm the middle child who seems to do nothing but get in trouble and do things wrong (I'm the kid who isn't doing very well in my 1st year of college, and i've gotten into disciplinary trouble, which has added to my family's stress level). My father comes home from work tired and basically just sleeps, and my mom just deals with us and i know she's unhappy with how things are.</p>

<p>how do we become a happy, loving family?</p>

2

<p>What if you talk to your dad and siblings and propose going out for brunch on Mother's Day, or cooking something special together that day. If that works out, you can come up with another idea in a few weeks, etc, and go on like that.</p>

3

<p>Do you vacation together? I find that our family becomes closer when we get away from the everyday stresses and obligations. No one is tempted to call the office or do the laundry or write that paper. The beach is one of our favorites. But the all time best vacation for family togetherness is camping. Don't laugh...I'll tell you why.</p>

<p>When we camp, we are away from not only the hectic daily activities, but there are not a bunch of hectic commercial activities to choose from. No cell phone service. No restaurants. No crowds. Instead, we eat prepared meals in the dining hall, horseback ride, hike, camp, kayak, fish, swim in the lake, do crafts, play games and sports with other families, sing around the campfire, etc. Surprisingly, all ages seem to enjoy camping, from little children to senior citizens. We go to a YMCA camp, so we stay in cabins rather than tents. It is totally relaxing and nurturing to family togetherness.</p>

<p>It sounds to me like everyone in your family has become wrapped up in their own activities and maybe camping would be good for you. :)</p>

4

<p>Try talking individually with your parents, siblings, letting them know how much you enjoy being with them, and asking for their ideas about an activity that the family can do together every month or six weeks. Do this in a way that doesn't blame anyone for the change, but lets them know that you love them and it's fun to be together as a family sometime.</p>

<p>I think the family vacations (which can be just a weekend if time is short) and Mother's Day ideas posted earlier are good ones. You also could plan ahead for something special for Father's Day.</p>

<p>One nice thing, too, that you could do would be to give each of your parents letters saying what you love and appreciate about them, and letting them know some of the things that you've particularly enjoyed doing with them in the past. You also can as mothers day and fathers day gifts give them the gift of time such as taking your parents out to a meal or to a film.</p>

<p>My younger son gave my husband and me a Christmas gift of taking us to see a film. It was a very thoughtful gift. We got to all be together, and we had something fun to talk about.</p>

<p>Even if you can't get your whole family together at once, you could have quality time with each family member by arranging to do something with them that they'd love.</p>

<p>I'm glad that you've come out of lurkdom! Stick around!</p>

5

<p>You might start with something simple, like suggesting you all watch a movie together (something everyone wants to see -- and it will show your thoughtfulness if you pick it out and bring it home) and eat pizza.</p>

6

<p>Yes, yes and more yes to all Northstarmom said. Especially the part of not laying any blame and making it guilt-free and fun. And her idea of the letters and the one-on-one with each of them was great too!!</p>

<p>All fab suggestions.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

<p>Kat</p>

7

<p>You know, I have found that it’s the little things that really make the difference. And it goes either way.</p>

<p>If you dad comes home each day and just plops down without giving his wife and kids a warm greeting first, a little distance is created. After a year of this, A LOT of distance is created. But if he hugs and kisses each of you before he leaves and when he shows up, it makes all the difference in the world.</p>

<p>If your oldest brother comes downstairs in the morning or goes to bed at night without giving everyone a hug (including his other brother), then distance is created and eventually it becomes embarrassing to everyone to try to fix it. But if he greets everyone warmly, unity is created over the long haul.</p>

<p>If your mom fails to leave a note telling your dad how much she loves and respects him, well, your dad will lack that little extra “something” that gives him the strength to hack through his pressures with style. But if she does these little things, then when the going gets rough, he will think of her and then you can just forget it.</p>

<p>And if you waste your time in school with academic performances that everyone knows are beneath your abilities, then you fail to give yourself and your family the honor you all deserve. But if you are pulling down peak performances, you will encourage everyone in your family.</p>

<p>We like to talk about “independence”. Independence is good, but too much of it is a murderer of families. Family members should be interdependent – and for life. Your parents are counting on you to do them proud. It is your duty to yourself and a testament to all their suffering in raising you.</p>

<p>You dad is counting on your mom and your mom leans on your dad. You all should be really listening hard to each other to try to find out how you can help each other be better people.</p>

<p>You and your siblings are counting on each other, and this will gain even more importance as your parents age and then die. Your children will benefit greatly from having loving uncles who affirm the values you have taught them and that your parents have taught you.</p>

<p>And talk about celebration! It will come naturally, and for any reason. In our house, if a kid says a word for the first time, be it “goo goo” or “gaa gaa”, somebody is gonna bake a cake and bring out the party hats. The longing for each other’s success becomes so strong that any success brings forth a flood of happiness. And any failure brings forth an even larger flood of empathy and encouragement. When every member of a family is taught to invest emotionally in everyone else, then everyone starts pulling for everyone.</p>

<p>This makes it possible to endure anything. I have a lot of pressures. But they ain’t got nothing on me because I have a ton of people holding me up. They have nothing on my kids because each of them have a ton of others holding them up, etc., etc. Interdependence.</p>

<p>Now that is the vision. If you buy it, then I suggest you take the advice of all these fine people here and strongly encourage your family to take a vacation. But you ought not just lounge around on this thing. It needs to be something of a family workshop where you are gonna try to sell them this vision. As you have found out, family unity can slip away if you don’t have built-in mechanisms to hold onto it. Remind everyone of how you used to be and tell them plainly that you need to get this back.</p>

<p>Ultimately, your parents need to lead this and make sure it is happening in every person. I’m old fashioned. So please try to forgive me when I tell you that I think your dad, most of all, should lead it. I know it sounds stupid. But I just personally think it is a dad’s role to make sure everybody is doing alright. I don’t mean to offend anyone. It may work differently in other families. I just know that if a guy isn’t leading and building on something, usually he loses interest. But hey…</p>

8

<p>Here are a couple of other ideas that may be fun for a family with divergent lives:</p>

<p>Family game night: I know this sounds really lame, but it can be lots of fun if you give it a chance. We make snacks and play something that takes teamwork, like Pictionary or Guesstures. Laughter and forced teamwork could be a good thing.</p>

<p>Sporting events: Go to a professional or minor league baseball game (or tennis, or regata, or w/e you have near you.) Sit outside on a beautiful day. It reduces the strain on making conversation without totally eliminating it. The family that cheers together stays together! (groan)</p>

<p>Festivals: Now that spring and summer are here, there are lots of local festivals that might be fun.</p>

<p>Amusement Parks/Water Parks: We don't like them, but lots of families spend a day doing this together. (to each his own!)</p>

9

<p>ikf. I admire your ability to drop an arts and craftslike post as if the one by the amazing Drosselmeier defining the human family had not just happened. It's so Auden's Icarus. I guess someone has to pick up the flag,...</p>

10

<p>rorosen,
Wow. Really unbelievable. Bananapancake asked for help on how to mend distant family relationships and become closer again. Thus, I offered suggestions that might help to mend awkward relationships. Drosselmeier's post was great and described how his family is supportive and loving. I'm so sorry if my insignificant attempt at specific actions a kid could take to get his family together somehow detracted from the post of the "amazing Drosselmeier" in his "defining the human family".</p>

11

<p>Sad to say, but it happens a lot with a lot of families. I know with my family, we're kinda the same. I mean, we aren't distant or anything. But we don't really do much things together and don't do much family bonding. </p>

<p>Parents work, they come home, they wanna rest. It's usually how it is.</p>

<p>What can you do. </p>

<p>Does your dad work a hard living job? Long hours? Wakes up early?</p>

<p>Parents still love you, it's just what happens. </p>

<p>I would just confront them about it if you think it's really bad. Planning some events won't help anything. Confront them head on. If they're willing to listen, progress can come.</p>

12

<p>May I ask why, as a college freshman, you still look to your parents to create your family for you? Is your older brother living at home? Are you living at home?</p>

<p>Your parents may just be exhausted. After raising all these kids for all these years and thinking they might finally get a little down time what is happening in your family?</p>

<p>As to your dad being tired all the time, I can honestly say that the demands of most jobs have increased substantially over the past five years. He may be running harder and faster than he could ever have imagined just to keep his job, and college expenses can be overwhelming.</p>

<p>You did not say what your mother does. Is she contributing financially to the family? Maybe your dad was counting on her to go back to work after you all got older to help with expenses and if she has not he has that to worry about too--if he was planning on the second income to cover college and it isn't happening, he could be seriously stretched financially.</p>

<p>You do not say what your dad does for a living. Is it auto or airline related? Many companies are cutting or even eliminating pension benefits--is your dad's company one of those?</p>

<p>I say all this to give you some perspective...your parents could be overwhelmed, and really--you are a young adult now. Do you not have any emotional resources to look to other than your parents?</p>

13

<p>Lkf:</p>

<p>Haha. Maybe my post is a tragedy on the order of Icarus’ fall, and you’ve just gone casually past it toward the business of dealing with Bananapancake’s issue. rorosen is just having a little fun. :)</p>

14

<p>Mombot:</p>

<p>I don’t think Bananapancake is just talking about emotional resources. She is talking something a lot deeper. It’s hard for me to explain. But I think she is talking about the kind of comfort and continuity that only family can provide.</p>

<p>Here is maybe an example of what I think is going on.</p>

<p>Every year, on New Years Eve, I make fried ice-cream for everyone. I started this little tradition long ago, as a single man, making fried ice-cream for friends as we brought in the new year. When I met my wife-to-be, I made it for her and her parents. The next year, as newly-weds, I made it for just the two of us. The following years I made it for three, four, five, six of us, and have been at it right up to this past New Year’s Eve. For some twenty years I have been doing this.</p>

<p>On some of those New Year's Eves we have literally eaten our fried ice-cream in near silence because the passing year was too weird for smiles. We have been glad to see some of those years go. One New Year's Eve we were all flat out sick, every single one of us-- sick as vomiting dogs. But everybody still dragged themselves up to get this ice cream thing done. That year I made the fried ice-cream same as always, and we literally just sat there staring at it, too sick to eat any. We have laughed about that ever year since. But most years there we are, with me barking around the place, wearing my famous chef’s get up, making my now “world famous” fried ice-cream, kids and fun everywhere.</p>

<p>Now imagine if at any point in there I was to just stop. Maybe I got tired or “overwhelmed” or felt too stretched or you name it. Whatever the reason, when New Years Eve rolled around, I just up and went to bed, or just wasn’t interested in it. Sure, my kids could go and get somebody else to make the ice cream. But could it ever really be the same? Is it even a wise thing to do? The fact is, I have been at it for over twenty years. My stuff is just irreplaceable now. If I was to just stop, a whole ton of people are going to feel a great loss and start longing to get it back. I think this is something of what Bananapancake is feeling.</p>

<p>So next year, I will make fried ice-cream whether I feel like it or not. Everybody knows this. Some of my kids may one day not be able to make it because they will be too busy with their own lives. But wherever they are, they know I will be there making that stuff and that knowledge alone will fill them with a lot of inexplicable comfort.</p>

<p>When all my kids are out of the house, having left only my wife and me, I will still be making the fried stuff. Just the knowledge of this will bring my kids, my adult kids, a lot of comfort. Even should my wife pass on and I am left alone but able, when New Years Eve rolls around, I will make fried ice cream. Even when I am gone onward, and New Year’s Eve rolls around on earth, my kids will know what I will be doing up in heaven.</p>

15

<p>Bully for you D. You are the ideal. But when you post that kind of thing you know that these kids who are struggling with overwhelmed, financially stretched, possibly depressed parents, just feel worse because their parents are not producing ice cream parties and care packages for them.</p>

<p>You are not helping here. You are the exception--what is the quote about the majority of men leading lives of quiet desperation? </p>

<p>Banana--I'm sorry your parents cannot be there for you right now when you need them. The fact that you are even aware at the age of 18-19 that you need them speaks to your maturity and insight--most of us at 18 would be itching to be free of our parents. I would suggest that you seek out a counselor at your school--what you are asking for goes beyond being fixed by inviting your parents to a movie or BBQ. </p>

<p>You aren't alone by any means--more kids come through family situations like you describe than ice cream filled rituals that continue year after year. It's just that the ones who don't have any rituals don't compare notes with each other--it's so easy to feel alone like your parents are the only ones, when later you will find out that a lot of kids are coping with what you describe.</p>

16

<p>Banana, families do change over time. It's sad but inevitable. It might be comforting to your mom to hear your thoughts on this. She's likely feeling the same way, and it would be an encouragement to her to know that you value your family.</p>

<p>With all of you kids being older, it's probably late in the game to start new traditions, but it doesn't mean that all is lost, either. For the family to all go out to a baseball game one evening can't hurt. You have to make some new memories. Relationships based just on old memories usually fade into the background. You have to keep making new memories to stay involved with one another.</p>

<p>I think camping would be great, but let's face it...getting the entire family to agree to that would likely be rough. Is there some kind of weekend outing that everyone might go for, though? You might have to be a salesman and talk to each family member individually to pump them for ideas and to get them to agree to go along with the plan. If any of you work, it would be nice if you offered to contribute to the cost of any proposed outings.</p>

<p>Aside from outings, just doing some nice, unexpected things for each of your family members will go a long way towards inspiring closeness.</p>

17

<p>
[quote]
Bully for you D. You are the ideal. But when you post that kind of thing you know that these kids who are struggling with overwhelmed, financially stretched, possibly depressed parents, just feel worse because their parents are not producing ice cream parties and care packages for them.

[/quote]
Huh? Don’t know why they’d feel worse. I am trying to encourage. Hey. I am working right now to make ends meet. I’ll be at it for another three hours, and then, after a little sleep, I’ll be teaching kids and then hitting the door for more work. I also know what the pit of depression feels like. And with eight kids, I know at least a thing or two about being overwhelmed. I am no “ideal”.</p>

<p>The great thing is, I don’t have to be perfect. I just have to do the best I can. Hey. What I am talking about is very simple. You got these people living under one roof. They call themselves a “family”. Now what’s the choice here? They can all see what being a “family” is about and then try all together to take deliberate steps to make it happen.</p>

<p>Or, they can individually try to do what they can or do nothing at all and hope for the best. We aren’t talking a lot of major change here. We are talking everyone in this thing called “family” trying to work together, using lots of little things, toward something they have in common. No matter how overwhelmed they are, they can realize that it is possible to bind together very tightly, so that all these problems you are talking about become emotionally manageable. It is not this impossible thing everybody makes it out to be.</p>

<p>Like most families, we have taken some serious hits over the years, money problems, job problems, sickness, death. I am saying that with a lot of slight changes in perspective toward one another, the OP’s family can manage all of these pressures and rather than get overwhelmed by them, can even grow stronger by them.</p>

<p>
[quote]
You are not helping here.

[/quote]
Okay. I’ll stop. But I still know I am telling the truth about the possibilities. I am trying to encourage a new perspective. Not saying anything is a guaranteed, but I know it works for us and I have seen it work for many others. We aren’t talking rocket science here. And I am proving all the time that one need not be that special to make some of this work. You just need people who already have stated commitments to each other determining to fulfill those commitments.</p>

<p>
[quote]
You are the exception

[/quote]
I am no exception! Plenty of guys are committed to their families. I have studied them. Most of them have the stuff in common I am sharing here. It does not take much to make these small changes. And yet they pay off very big down the road, if done with consistency. Well, okay, you gotta make some sacrifices, but if you are a dad, you must make them anyway.</p>

<p>
[quote]
--what is the quote about the majority of men leading lives of quiet desperation?

[/quote]
This is probably because a lot of guys are suffering alone in some significant way. We are all desperate in some way. That is the condition I guess. But this still does not prohibit the kind of unity the OP wants and that he/she has once had. I don’t mean to preach here. But you know, when you see what may well help a person, it is hard not to say something.</p>

18

<p>Every family is different. But, I have seen the 'everyone in their own place' issue made worse by having computers and TV's in individual rooms, or too many places. Traditions are great, family dinners are important. What is it like when the power goes out? Everyone in one room, sharing candles and making memories....turn it all off and see what happens to those of you at home, anyways.</p>

19

<p>
[quote]
Traditions are great, family dinners are important. What is it like when the power goes out?

[/quote]
Hah. I see you know the deal. This is quite right.</p>

20

<p>Yeah. You know, everyone here is talking all these specific things to do. But what I am talking about is an underlying philosophy that makes these kinds of specific things come forth.</p>

<p>Once a whole family really "gets" this, you really don't have to ask other people about what "family activities" one should do. Stuff just happens. Last time the lights went out in our home, we camped together in the living room because the little kids were afraid of the lightening. When the lightening stopped, the lights stayed off for hours. Raining outside, nice rain. We all just went for a long "rain hike" in the dark. It was just amazing fun. Cheap, very close and meaningful.</p>

<p>Without the ideal underneath the thing, I just think you can engage in vacations and "game nights" until the cows come home and ultimately be filled with boredom. But that's just me...</p>