<p>Earlier today, my dad approached me while my mom was at the store and said that she told him that I was being distant with her. This is the summer before college, and I just got done reading the thread about the summer before college, and that wonderful article posted as well. If you were to read that thread, I'm probably the average person described in it, hanging out with friends all the time, going out, grumpy, etc. </p>
<p>I figured I'd ask here, because rather than go with the flow, I want to try and be a "little" more pleasent, but not exactly run for Sainthood, I just want to be not so distant. </p>
<p>I'm not sure how I would go about doing so, because I was never one of those to spill my feelings like other children are. I don't have any emotional disorders or anything of that nature, I just kind of keep to myself, heck, I haven't even told them I got a job yet. So what I'm asking is, when you were in my parents shoes, what would you have wanted your kids to do during the summer before college. Again, I'm not going to turn into a goodie goodie kid, but I wish to make things a bit easier.</p>
<p>That's about what I want. Not groveling obedience, or giving up all his friends and fun, but when -- as we did this very evening, after a week of watching him chase in every direction to work, friends and girlfriend -- we say, "Tonight, let's have just us family tonight.." he replied, "Sure, Mom." No hesitation, drama or tension, just a smile and quick "yes" to something we very much wanted. We cooked together and went to a movie. It was just good to know that he likes an occasional evening with us as much the frequent ones he has with his friends. </p>
<p>He also calls in by cell phone so we know where he is during the day or evening, just as he knows where we are. He acts as though we are three adults living in a house. Just as my H and I know each others' whereabouts, he's part of that same pattern. There is no need to even discuss this any more, he just acts like an adult and stays in touch. It's mature, not immature, to live that way under the same roof. If plans change, he phones so we don't get concerned. </p>
<p>He also acts like a member of the household, for example last night he did the family grocery shopping with his sister, while my H and I had to go to a work-related meeting. I suggested it, but he took it up with enthusiasm, not resentment. </p>
<p>These examples are simply a person acting in ways that show love and appreciation for the people he lives with. I feel very reassured that he can do this.</p>
<p>Make a point of spending at least one afternoon or evening a week with your family -- for "family time". Your parents are feeling distraught and out of sorts because you will be leaving soon, and they know that things will never be the same -- they want to reach out and hug you and hold you tight, and of course you are too old for that. But if you simply make a point of spending SOME time with them -- not merely time at home with your bedroom door shut while you listen to music or browse the internet, but time that you spend engaged with your parents -- it will make them feel better. It doesn't need to be forced -- just do something with them that you all enjoy, whether it is taking a walk or watching a favorite t.v. program. My son always did the crossword puzzle in the newspaper with me every evening, and we would watch Jeopardy together -- I really cherished those brief activities that last summer before he left....when he comes home to visit, we still do the crosswords together. The last time he was here, I rented the movie "Wordplay" -- we watched that together and then did some more crossword puzzles. :D</p>
<p>In these last few weeks before college, make a point of exploiting your mom as much as possible for practical purposes. </p>
<p>You have shopping to do, right? Ask her to come with you for some of it (not the clothing shopping, necessarily, but the other stuff). Her advice (not to mention her credit card) will probably turn out to be useful. Some of the shopping you're likely to be doing is of types that are unfamiliar to you but very familiar to her (like buying bedding). She is more likely to know of stores with good selection and good bargains than you are. Take advantage of this.</p>
<p>You have health forms to fill out, right? Your mom knows your medical history better than you do (trust me on this). She also knows more than you do about your family's medical history. (Do you know whether your grandparents had a history of heart disease? Probably not. Does she? Almost definitely.)</p>
<p>You may also need to open one or more bank accounts and make arrangements with your family for how you're going to get money at college when you need it. Your mom can help with this, too. She has been dealing with bank accounts and checks and credit cards since long before you were born.</p>
<p>You need to transport or ship your stuff to college, right? Ask your mom to help you figure out how much stuff will fit in the car and how you're going to ship the rest.</p>
<p>In other words, you can meet your mom's needs for interaction with you and your own need to do as little work as possible by being lazy and letting her do some of the work. This is your classic win-win situation.</p>
<p>Think of some things you might need to know how to do and ask your parents to teach you. For instance, I'm planning to teach my son to sew on buttons. Really simple, but he's never done it before.</p>
<p>My son is off on a brief road trip with two best friends and he has called in every few days just to check in and tell us he's ok and having fun. This is a very good thing to do.</p>
<p>You sound like a thoughful and loving person. You don't have to get all slobbery, but just spend a little time with the folks. Your Mom may unconsciously be doing a little distancing too, to protect herself. I was reading through my son's orientation material about the time in orientation weekend when parents need to depart. It said (to the student) "Be aware that they may have trouble leaving you." No kidding. I can't figure out how to turn off my son's alarm, so every day at 12:30, I hear Bob Dylan singing "You're Going to Make me Lonesome When You Go" and burst into tears. I'm also so happy for him I could cry. It's a touchy time.</p>
<p>Maybe you could surprise your parents with a small but nice gesture? </p>
<p>When my college-bound son was home recently on a break between overnight camp sessions he surprised us by getting up early in the morning and going out for fresh bagels and lox--he woke us up when he got back. We spent some nice quiet time together, and that left him plenty of time to be with his friends later in the day.</p>
<p>To the OP: Great move on your part! Asking how to make this time of transition a bit easier for your mom shows you care. Dad'll benefit, too!....After all....If mamma ain't happy... ain't nobody happy!!</p>
<p>Your getting great pearls of wisdom here. My $.02 would be to try to put yourself in your mom's shoes, realizing that she's shipping you off to college and, while she probably is thrilled to death that you are so excited about your future college experience, she is is going through big changes, too and has genuine concerns about your welfare, no matter how excited she is on your behalf. Think about it! You get the picture; you're a smart kid. </p>
<p>Offer the occasional unsolicited and genuine 'thank-you'. You know the kind: look 'em in the eye and mean what you're saying--means the world to every mom. We all know our kids are appreciative and have trained our offspring to say thank-you at the appropriate times. But a real and heartfelt 'Thanks, Mom!' goes a long, long way! Try to limit the grumpy, monosyllabic grunts! (Boys are REALLY good at this one!) </p>
<p>Just one more from me: (You may be sorry you asked!!) Spend some unstructured time with dear ol' mom. Most moms remember fondly the days of driving to school or practice, friend's house, etc. when we had a captive audience with our kids--such good conversation that was unplanned and unstructured! It's not that we want to snoop; we just want to know a bit about what's goin' on in your life. I always enjoy news about the friends we've watched grow up, too! So, pull up a stool and chat with her when she's cooking, for example, rather than 'holding up' in front of the computer and making her call you to dinner six times!! After scarfing down your dinner, you're most likely off to hang out with your friends and we won't really see you again until dinner tomorrow night! Just being in the same house isn't exactly 'seeing' you! (I'm generalizing here, please don't be offended!)</p>
<p>As lame as this sounds...Someday, you'll really understand; but, for now, trust your old fogey friends at CC and give some of our ideas a try!!</p>
<p>Go out on "college-related" errands with your mom. I think if you can just acknowledge that you know that your mom is going to miss you (assuming this is true :) ) it will go a long way to ease the tension. Most kids starting college in the Fall are so wrapped up in THEIR experience, they forget what a huge deal this is for their parents - especially moms.</p>