Parent relations problems...need advice

Parents Forum
1

<p>I come to CC for advice about this situation because I am most comfortable discussing this with strangers rather than close friends (don't know why, but I just am). </p>

<p>I'm a junior in high school. That's right. I've got the SATs, ACTs, four APs (physics c, english language, apush, and calc), and all the school stresses that come about. I'm also actively involved in Marching Band and Boy Scouts as well. </p>

<p>I've got a problem with my situation at home. My parents aren't talking to each other and are sleeping in different beds. This is rather unusual in my family. This type of stuff usually happens, but is settled down and everything goes back to normal within two-three days, a week max. Problem is, this week begins week two. My dad, who usually promotes dinnertime as a time when the family comes together and eats, enjoying each other's company, does not do this anymore and merely comes down to eat for a very SHORT amount of time. </p>

<p>You probably know how this relates to my schoolwork. I'm constantly stressed out by this silent tension my parents created as well as my usual AP homework. However, my grades have not shown any significant drop so far, since it's only about a week since it started. </p>

<p>I'm afraid to ask my parents what's going on, because our family does not usually discuss family relations. I have, however, made a promise to myself that I will ask my mom what's going on between them by the end of the week. </p>

<p>You're probably thinking that my parents will get a divorce or something. My mom decided to go down this road once. However, my little brother's grades plummeted tremendously (almost straight Fs) in middle school, and she realized this sort of irregularity pushes my brother and myself to the limit; we can't handle all this stress put on us. My parents have discussed on it, but neither want to fill out the divorce paperwork required nor want to do it during our high school years. </p>

<p>I'm afraid that if my grade were to plummet this semester, and college apps come, I won't have any reason why besides of "family tensions," but have no proof of it. </p>

<p>What can I do? Should I ask my mom earlier, or just wait it out and hope it all turns out okay?</p>

<p>Thank you for any advice you give.</p>

2

<p>Oh, tuba, {{{{{{sweetie}}}}} hugs!!!, that is soo tough for you & them. I do not know anything about you or them, but I do know that when things are in rough patches with my H and I, I would prefer to feel like the kids are still living their lives their way and not spending time caught up in the drama of it all. That I can have a fight with my H and not totally distract them from life, but yours is going on for a long time, eh?!</p>

<p>Can you try your best to focus on your stuff that you need to do for your hard work at school? All married couples have ups & downs, that does not mean divorce, though it could. Just keep reminding yourselves (you & your brother) that whatever happens is not your fault, and likely has nothing you, in terms of blame.</p>

<p>In what would seem a contradiction of that advice, perhaps if you guys worked on making any interactions as positive as possible, sort of laying the groundwork for them to see and be refreshed in all the reasons why your family unit is a great thing to nourish and recommit to, that might be the best way to be supportive?</p>

<p>A lot depends on your relationships and their willingnes to interact.</p>

<p>Sometimes I will chat with my Ds about why their dad & I are in a little tiff, but only so they know it is transitory, that I am mad, but it will pass, maybe even that I am being a baby about something stupid, but</p>

3

<p>Tuba...I am sorry your mom and dad are not getting along right now. Sometimes the whole silence thing can become like a huge black cloud over the whole house. I'm sure your parents have no idea how much this is affecting you especially since they are wrapped up with their own emotions towards one another. My suggestion would be to write them a letter..give each of them a copy...about how badly this is making you feel. They need to know how badly this makes you feel.<br>
Being married has lots of hills and valleys of getting along. Sometimes it is great, sometimes it stinks and you muddle through until it gets better again. As a young man living at home you are forced to be part of those ups and downs. It's not really fair because you have no control over your parents behaviors/happiness yet you feel the pain. They need to know. Hang in there and stick around here while you weather their storm.</p>

4

<p>Tubaman,</p>

<p>Hang in there. My parents relations were awful for a long time -- a lifetime, in fact. I relied on friends for emotional connections and support. Do you have friends to talk to and keep you sane?</p>

<p>Being married does have hills and valleys, but you have little control over your current circumstances. Writing a letter "sounds" good, but may backfire. When I made suggestions to my parents as a teen and again as a medical student my parents agreed, for once, that I was impertinent and delivered a lecture in stereo.</p>

<p>It sounds like you can talk to your Mom. Even if no marital solution comes from it, talking to her and giving her a hug might be good.</p>

<p>There are more important things in life than grades, but, believe me, you CAN do great work and get good grades despite having parents who are really messed up.</p>

<p>PM me if you like.</p>

5

<p>This must be almost unbearable for you and your little brother. I can understand why you might not want to discuss this with anyone yet, not knowing what is going on, but you might give some thought as to whom you could talk to if the moment seems right. A trusted Scoutmaster , teacher, maybe a friend that isn't at your school but who might be a good listener-- I only suggest this because it really does help to have someone to talk to and share your feelings and fears. You may find it easier to put your focus into your schoolwork if you have someone to confide in. Otherwise, it just sort of sits and festers. </p>

<p>Obviously, your parents are in a lot of pain right now, and probably don't realize that you guys are, too. They may not be able to be good parents right now. Sometimes people are not as strong as they might like to be, and it effects the way they treat their kids. It sounds like you know they love you guys, and that is something you can count on. No matter what happens between the two of them, you and your brother will always be taken care of and loved, by both of them. Be sure your little brother knows this. Younger kids sometimes think that if the parents ever split up, that they would be abandoned. You should assure him that you and they love him, and that would never happen.</p>

<p>All families go through rough times. Sometimes a parent dies, or a parent has mental problems, or drinking problems, or even suicidal tendencies. I only say this so you realize that your parents having problems is nothing to be ashamed of. They're human, that's all. They will work this out somehow. In the meantime, you need to be able to do what's best for you, and put your efforts into school as much as possible. Try to remember that this is something that you have no control over - only they can resolve this.</p>

<p>Find a friend to confide in, tubaman. I really think it will help. Take care.Give your little bro a hug tonight, and remind, him (and yourself) that his family really does love him, and that every thing will be ok because of that.</p>

6

<p>Try to remember that it's their problem, not yours. Something is obviously amiss between them, but it is extremely unlikely that it has anything to do with you.</p>

<p>You might want to mention the situation to your friends. Chances are, some of them have had similar things going on in their families. This sort of thing is surprisingly common. Parents aren't just parenting machines. They're ordinary, complicated, fallible people, who can have personal or relationship problems just as anyone else can. It would be a lot easier on everyone if those problems only took place before their kids were born or after the kids had moved out of the house, but unfortunately, sometimes it doesn't turn out that way. Friends who have been in situations similar to yours might have some good ideas about how to cope.</p>

<p>It might also be a good idea to talk to your guidance counselor. Sometimes, having an objective outsider to talk to can be a big help. Also, if you tell your counselor now that things are tense at your house this semester, the counselor is going to write it down. Then, if it turns out that your grades are atypically low this semester, your counselor will already know that something out of the ordinary was happening at this time and will probably be willing to mention it, if necessary, on your college recommendations. But if you don't mention it now and then tell your counselor about the situation next fall, the counselor might think that you're inventing a story to try to cover up for slacking off during this particular semester.</p>

7

<p>
[quote]
because our family does not usually discuss family relations.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I'm sorry to hear that your family does not communicate much. You are being very mature and very courageous to speak to your mom, especially when she is not usually very good at open communication. </p>

<p>Here is an idea: Maybe you could suggest to her that she consider some sort of marriage and/or family counseling. Counseling can help tremendously to open the doors of communication, and communication is oh so important in working out difficult conflicts. You might tell her that you are concerned about her and your dad's happiness, in addition to the stress on you and your brother (especially at this crucial time in your life). It is possible that your parents might be so wrapped up in their own problems that they aren't really thinking about this being your year to prepare for college, and a gentle reminder might get them to tune in to the effects of their discord on the rest of the family. You might also mention that you are concerned that this spat seems to be a bit more serious than what normally occurs, and have wondered if maybe some counseling might help. </p>

<p>But, keep in mind that you can only suggest it, and don't be attached to whether your mom takes your suggestion or not. They will have to work things out in their own way, and people aren't always receptive to such suggestions. You might even mention that YOU could benefit from some counseling, even if THEY don't get counseling. Counseling can help alleviate the stress and help you to remember that it is THEIR problem and has nothing to do with you. Talking to someone can help you to sort out your feelings, especially since your parents aren't the touchy-feely type. It is normal for you to have some intense feelings about what's going on. Your parents might be willing to let you and your brother speak to a counselor, to help you get thru this difficult time. (This is sort of like the family of an alcoholic getting some help in dealing with the alcoholic, even though they have nothing to do with the problem itself. It does NOT mean that there is anything wrong with YOU! Just that a counselor might be able to help you deal with what's going on right now.) If they don't go for that, then you might consider talking to a school counselor. Don't try to carry the burden yourself - it is THEIR problem and they will need to work it out. But your feelings are valid and it's natural to feel what you're feeling. Talking about it to someone can help YOU feel better, even if nothing changes with your parents' situation. </p>

<p>Meanwhile, remind yourself that these things do happen, unfortunately, and even if they don't work it out, please don't let that affect YOUR future. You have YOUR life to think about now. Take extra good care of yourself. Try to stay focused on school, your friends, college prep, etc. - that might help to take your mind off the family situation.</p>

<p>There is a saying: 'You might not have control of your experiences, but you DO have control over how you choose to EXPERIENCE your experiences!'</p>

<p>I hope everything works out for you and your family!</p>

8

<p>Try something as simple as a card to each that says "I love you both and it's hurts me to see you this way. Can we talk about it?"</p>

<p>Parent strife in HS, is just so hard. I remember friends being torn apart by it. It isn't about you, it's about them. However if you can be switerland and get them talking maybe things will improve.</p>

9

<p>Only your parents, with counseling or without, can work out their relationship problems. That's not your responsibility. One positive aspect is that they both love you and your brother enough to try to keep from hurting your schoolwork at a critical time. Remember by focusing on school and doing well, you can at least remove that burden of worry from them. You can also try to encourage your brother and show him your love and care. Talking to a sympathetic adult and writing each parent a loving note--those are good ideas!</p>

<p>I bet there are plenty of kids with divorced parents in your circle of friends and acquaintances--your parents may not reach that point and might reconcile but it might help you to share experiences with other kids who have been through the worst. Some may tell you that their parents are both happier apart than together and they will give you the courage to face whatever happens. There are many ways to be a family and people have to grope towards what will work for them in the long run. Let your mom know you would be prepared to listen if she feels like talking but respect her right to privacy as well. Tell your parents that you want them to find a way that they can each be happier and that you want to understand ---not be shut out from-- whatever is going on.</p>

<p>If you can learn how to keep emotional worries from throwing you completely off course in preparing for college--then you will have achieved an enormous amount of maturity that will be a strength factor in your future success. Many of us here at CC are rooting for you and your family.</p>

10

<p>Try not to be too offended if your parents refuse to tell you what the dispute is about.</p>

<p>It's entirely possible that their disagreement focuses on something that is personal between them and cannot be shared with you. For example, they could be troubled about some aspect of their sexual relationship. Obviously, it would not be suitable for either of them to discuss that with you. Or they might be disagreeing about a topic where adding you into the discussion would only make things more complicated. For example, perhaps an elderly relative can no longer live alone, and your parents are fighting about whether or not it would be reasonable to invite that person to live with your family. Adding your views into that debate (and you probably would have an opinion) might make things worse.</p>

<p>Telling them that their unhappiness is affecting you is reasonable. Getting involved in that unhappiness may not be.</p>

11

<p>Thank you for these responses. </p>

<p>Hopefully, when they come home tonight, it'll be different than usual (in a good way, of course).</p>

12

<p>Once upon a time my neigbors were hauled into the high school by the guidance counselor and told to get their act together or face massive behavior problems from their kids.</p>

<p>It was a real wake up call for the parents ( who were also behaving like children). They both got professional counselling and are still happily married.
That might not have happened if they hadn't been called in by high school GC.</p>

<p>Talk to your GC about arranging a family meeting.</p>

13

<p>Thanks again guys.</p>

<p>Turns out it's something utterly simple (Marian, you were right): my mom doesn't like the mattress on their bed. I asked my mom today. She told my dad, but my dad made it overcomplicated and jumped to the wrong conclusion about it (when the right one is to just buy a new mattress). He eventually just stopped talking to my mom, and, knowing my mom, did the same (why should I talk to you when you don't talk to me? that kind). </p>

<p>Phew. Now, what can I do to make them ultimately talk together and sleep together again? Should I just wait it out?</p>

14

<p>Tubaman, I'm so glad it was something so simple that has gotten blown up out of proportion. We parents often don't think how something might be interpreted by our kids. One of mine came to me and asked if their father and I were getting divorced. I replied "no, and why would you ask?". It turned out that they noticed that their dad was on the couch several mornings and they jumped to the conclusion that we were having marital problems. It was only that he was snoring and got tired of me poking him--so would get up and move to sofa. I never thought to explain!</p>

15

<p>It's important for your parents to talk over their difficulties but not absolutely essential that they sleep together all the time or even at all. What they must do is learn to live together if at all possible, maximizing their mutual happiness. There are many ways that couples can choose to relate to each other, what is essential is mutual affection and respect and a sense of partnership and shared responsibilities. They might benefit from couples counseling or individual therapy if one or the other or both have
some psychological or emotional difficulties. If your family belongs to a religious community, you could consult a member of the clergy in confidence about your concerns.</p>

16

<p>It's important for your parents to talk over their difficulties but not absolutely essential that they sleep together all the time or even at all. What they must do is learn to live together if at all possible, maximizing their mutual happiness. There are many ways that couples can choose to relate to each other, what is essential is mutual affection and respect and a sense of partnership and shared responsibilities. They might benefit from couples counseling or individual therapy if one or the other or both have
some psychological or emotional difficulties. If your family belongs to a religious community, you could consult a member of the clergy in confidence about your concerns.</p>