<p>I don't know if this is going to help or not but is there a computer in your house that your mom knows how to use? If so, I'll gladly check out if there's a chat group or something for people in her situation; I think there's probably a support group for just about every situation on the internet.</p>
<p>Hi Rowan,
I do remember your posts well, and your talent as a writer, and I'm sorry that what brings you back here is all this stress rather than a happy report from your first semester. There are so many different issues, but it seems to me that the bottom line is not the issue with your family and your generous impulse to help, but that you are struggling with the transition to college, away from family and community, and into adulthood in really difficult circumstances. Looked at that way, your desire to leave UCSC and plunge into the mist of your family's troubles might be a real step backwards for you. Would you have left USCS without this crisis? If so, have you given it and life away from home a chance -- especially since I think I get from your posts that you're living in an apartment with a boyfriend rather than in a residence hall and don't drive?</p>
<p>These are some reasons why I'm glad you're going to see someone at UCSC, to help you sort out your situation, motivation, and options. And that is also why I think it's important that you help your mother find a network of help rather than rushing back to do it all yourself. She sounds so very isolated and probably doesn't have the energy or time to help herself out of that isolation at this point. So, I think it's great that you can help her by doing just what you are -- gathering information, and helping her think of places she can turn. If your search turns up nothing, then the issue might be different.</p>
<p>Along with the great suggestions others have given you about the Alzheimer's association, hospice, etc, I'd suggest that your mother might also check with her doctor or the hospital where she's being treated see whether there is a colitis support group. Also, is there a visiting nurse's association in the area and might they have some information? You mentioned your grandfather has veterans benefits. Is there a social worker at the local VA hospital who might know some out of hospital resources and whether the VA would cover any home nursing? I believe that Medical covers some home nursing after a hospitalization. It might also cover hospice care -- which would allow your grandfather to die at home as well as giving your mother some support. There are also private social service agencies (like Catholic Social Services) which may provide some volunteer help or have useful information. Your mom does not have to be religious or belong to any particular church to get such help. </p>
<p>Good luck. I hope the counselor at UCSC is helpful.</p>
<p>Rowan, my heart breaks for you. This is the kind of responsibility that torments us middle-aged parents; I can't imagine how tough it is to be a student and be going through it.</p>
<p>I have no advice for you.... except to tell you that whenever I've been in a family situation like yours, I have a tendency to try and solve all my problems with two or three radical changes. That never works. You moving home solves one problem and one problem only... the distance factor. You would be close. Everything else remains the same, and some things get worse. I love a neat solution-- sort of like chucking everything into a big green garbage bag and hauling it to the curb... but that's not real life.</p>
<p>My only tangible advice would be to see if your mom would go with you to see her doctor next time you're home. Her physician may not be aware of the stress your mom is under... and may have some quickie yet temporary fixes, such as lower cost nursing care (doesn't sound like your grandfather needs an RN to watch him, so maybe a CNA which is about the half the hourly rate would work.) It may be worth a call from the DR. to the VA hospital... your grandfather might qualify for a few hours of daily in-home care to feed him, do his laundry, bath him, etc, paid for by his benefits, which would probably do more for your mom's health than anything else. This isn't about his health... this is about your mom, who sounds in a pretty fragile state right now.</p>
<p>Our prayers are with you. Just try and remember that when the current crises passes, another set of problems usually emerge, and you can't be a help and support to your family if you let your own life and health go down the drain.</p>
<p>I hate to drag a thread back up from the calm of the third page of archives, but I figured that an update was due in response to all the kind words and advice I've received.</p>
<p>Here's a short breakdown:</p>
<p>I made an appointment with a psychologist to discuss everything on my mind (solution for me).</p>
<p>I am still considering transferring schools (as I was before things started to get bad), but I won't have any reason to drop out of a 4-year and go to a 2-year.</p>
<p>The family doctor cornered my mother and demanded that she stop trying to be 'superwoman'. My mom agreed, and has hired -- with financial help from the hospital -- someone to help care for her father for a time so that she can take a break.</p>
<p>My dad is home now, as the job keeping him away is now over. My mother has agreed that she won't wait until things get to such a point again before calling him home; we all agree that it's far worse for my mother to have a breakdown (and me by extension) than for my dad to lose a few days/weeks of work. </p>
<p>My grandfather had a stroke. Thankfully, it was not fatal and it also was not severely debilitating. My mother knew what to look for from his last stroke (speech difficulties), and it was caught within 5-10 minutes of it starting. He was taken to a hospital, and has been in ICU since Thursday. He is doing a lot better, is capable of talking but will need to see a speech therapist. He may be home for Thanksgiving/his birthday (same day), but they're pretty sure he'll live at least a while longer (crossing our fingers on it; they can't do the scan for damages until scar tissue begins to form, and since they caught it so early, it hadn't formed yet!). </p>
<p>So... things are getting back on track. My mother has also found a local Alzheimer's support group (thank you all for all the suggestions -- we found a lot more than we expected in the area!), and my dad is home for at least a while longer so as to help her adjust to the new routine. </p>
<p>Again, thank you all so very much everything. It really helped my mother and I through a tough stretch.</p>
<p>Dear Undecided,</p>
<p>As one who has had to deal with IBD (Crohn's disease) in the case of one of my family members, I know how difficult this is for you and for your mom. Sounds like she might not even be able to get to a support group if your grandfather needs round the clock care, but just in case, I hope she is in touch with the CCFA, the Crohn's Colitis Foundation of America, at <a href="http://www.ccfa.org%5B/url%5D">www.ccfa.org</a> which we have found to be wonderful. They can let her know of support groups in your area and provide lots of other information and hope. You will be in my prayers.</p>
<p>I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. Reading about it almost moved me to tears. </p>
<p>Have you thought about taking a leave of abscence from school for a year or two so you can help your family and earn some money? Does your college allow you to do this?</p>
<p>Rowan:</p>
<p>Thanks for the update. Although your grandfather had a stroke, the rest of the news sounds upbeat. I'm glad that your mother found more resources than she expected to locate and that your dad is able to help out for a while. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that things work out for you and your family.</p>
<p>This is about as heartwarming as it gets on Cc, wouldn't you agree? The honestly of the op's agony, the instant and knowledgeable response and counter-response.</p>
<p>Wonderful! Best of luck to you R. I'd say that you have a gift for adaptability, adapting to advice for instance. That and other gifts should see you through to a bright future.</p>
<p>We're pulling for you!</p>
<p>Rowan,
well... have a happy Thanksgiving - with luck you will all be at home together - and can make this day truly a gift to yourselves.</p>
<p>Rowan -- Thanks for the update! It sounds as if it took the crisis for your mother to find a network of support and that you played a role in making that happen. It's great that you will now be able to consider your own college plans in a calmer, less desperate context. Good luck.</p>