Father-daughter relationship

Pre-College Issues High School Life
1

<p>I posted the following questions on two forums recently. I was hoping to get responses from both kids and parents. So far, I’ve gotten lots of valuable responses from parents, but few responses from kids. Maybe I should have tried this forum!</p>

<p>I would be very grateful for your thoughts on the following: </p>

<p>We have an 11YO daughter who has three older brothers. Since I have no experience raising a teenage girl, I would greatly appreciate any of your thoughts on father-daughter relationships, perhaps including the following:</p>

<li><p>What are helpful things to try to do?</p></li>
<li><p>What are harmful things to try to avoid?</p></li>
<li><p>How would you describe a strong or ideal father-daughter relationship?</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Thank you very much!</p>

2

<p>My dad and I arn't as close as my mom and me (near friendsy). But we are still very close.</p>

<ol>
<li>What are helpful things to try to do?</li>
<li>joking around about fun stuff. Even being lame is ok here because adults are usually lame in humor (no offence).</li>
<li><p>encouraging what she likes unless it's something really really bad. If she likes soccer, ask her if she wants to go to a u.s vs some country's game with you, watch some movies at home together (she might be coming near the stage where family outings are embarrasing)
-giving attention.</p></li>
<li><p>What are harmful things to try to avoid?</p></li>
<li><p>joking about harmful things like fatness, ugliness, non intelligence, etc.. Even if she has a sense of humor, dont joke about the above.</p></li>
<li><p>being hardout cautious about boys and drugs. just be.. light about it.</p></li>
<li><p>never ever being home</p></li>
<li><p>How would you describe a strong or ideal father-daughter relationship?
my dad-me relationship is not as close as my mom-me. Like, my mom knows my friend's names, what kinda clothes i like, what books i like, etc.. I could talk to my mom about my daily life, my personal things.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>My dad knows what category of foods i prefer, what category of movies i like, what i'm generally interested in, but not all the details that my mom knows. However, if i actually talked to my dad about my daily life, day to day, we'd both be weirded out.</p>

<p>Plus, my mom's job is to take care of all 3 of us so she's always nearby when I need her. My dad has a job and so he's not right next to me when I need him. (which is hardly ever)</p>

<p>I'd say a strong father-daughter relationship would be something my mother and I have.
I'm sorry that this is kinda vague.. and it's probably all the information you probably already have. goodluck though. I wish my dad was as interested as you with these kinda things.</p>

3

<ol>
<li><p>What are helpful things to try to do?
-Do stuff she likes to do with her every once in a while.
-Be open with her about stuff regarding yourself as a teenager. My father never really talked about himself as my age so it's hard for me to see how he can relate if I tell him something.
-if she and her mom are talking, just join in casually. </p></li>
<li><p>What are harmful things to try to avoid?
-I'm sure you already know this, but DONT compare her to your other sons. In any way shape or form.
-DO NOT try and give her the "birds and the bees" talk. This will TRAUMATIZE her. Hahaha.<br>
-try not to be the "cool" dad. If you're cool, you're cool. But if you're not, then trying to be so makes you look kinda lame(and then again there's a good lame and bad lame). Just like when you were in high school.</p></li>
<li><p>How would you describe a strong or ideal father-daughter relationship?
I think the ideal father-daughter relationship is when she can talk to you freely, and when you know her well enough to know what she will/won't do in certain situations. It's a better way to keep track of her than constantly bombarding her with questions.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>I would have to say my relationship with my dad is alot like NoFX's.</p>

4

<ol>
<li>What are helpful things to try to do?
Spend time with her. My dad works a lot, but we always go out to lunch together on the weekends, just the two of us. We've been to fancy restaurants, $50 meat buffets, sushi restaurants, portillos, places where I got food poisoning..etc. It makes for lots of memories, especially cause it's not such a big deal usually. It's just something we do.
Make casual conversation. Once I got comfortable w/ my dad after I talked a lot with him about random stuff I started bringing up "serious" things if I really had questions. Him trying to be serious wuold have freaked me out.
Like the person above me said, tell her some stuff about yourself when you were that age. It's interesting to hear about your parents being un-parent-y. </li>
<li>What are harmful things to try to avoid?
The sex talk. Enough said. Leave it to her mom. :P
Freaking out about boys... just approach the subject once and say it gently. Well I guess it's different depending on each girl's personality...
Trying to take the place of the mom. I guess my mom and I are much closer because we're both females and I go to her for most of my...problems. My dad just stays out of the way in that case, and if he tried to be super close I would be creeped out.</li>
<li>How would you describe a strong or ideal father-daughter relationship?
Hmm... I love how my dad and I get along right now. We talk about things that are happening, once in a while about really serious stuff, and hang out. I have very very few fights with my dad as opposed to my mom, and it's jsut different because he's much more chill with things than my mom.</li>
</ol>

5

<p>The best father-daughter bonding moments are getting driving hours for a driver's lisence. My dad would kidnap me after church, and we would go on these two-hour long drives, to all these crazy places. Normally we don't talk much, except for "How was your day?" and "So when do you plan on cleaning your room?" but we would spend every minute chit-chatting. It was really nice. </p>

<p>Also, I like it when my dad tells me about college, what it was like entering the workforce, his goofy first girlfriend, stuff like that. Things I don't know about.</p>

6

<p>Some of this seems fairly obvious, but....:</p>

<p>Things to do:
-Definitely spend time with her one-on-one, and make some things special you/her traditions. Maybe cooking dinner together on Sunday nights, going to basketball games, going for runs together...whatever works for the two of you.
-TALK to her. Ask about her day, ask about her friends, ask her about school...she may not always want to talk, but she'll always appreciate that you care. Note: asking is definitely not the same as prying. Also, remember what she tells you (e.g. if she tells you about sticky situation with her friend Jane, follow up a few days later with a "Hey, whatever happened?").<br>
-Trust her, have confidence in her and in her abilities, and support her. Encourage her. Go to her games and to her recitals, and be super proud of her accomplishments. She'll probably act embarrassed, but she'll be secretly glad that you're so proud.
-Be a feminist. I can't stress this one enough. The way she sees you treat women is so important, and will eventually be a model for how she lets other men treat her.<br>
-Treat her with respect and like you'd treat any other adult, and she'll return the favor. E.g., if you think you've overreacted or done something wrong, don't be shy to apologize. That's another big one.</p>

<p>Things not to do:
-Make comments about weight/appearance/clothes. If she puts on a lot of weight/loses a lot of weight in a short period of time, you should worry, but otherwise, stay far, far away.
-Be careful about what you say re:boys (or girls). How to discuss this depend on your daughter/her personality, but tread lightly.
-Don't make bad rules, especially about grades. If you have rules like "No TV till the homework is done", that makes sense, even if she doesn't like it. If you have rules like "You only get an allowance if you have above a 3.8", that's...not so good.</p>

<p>Out of all the do's/don'ts, though, I'd have to say that respect (for her, for her abilities, for women in general) is the most important; the rest will just follow.</p>

<p>I'd definitely characterize my relationship with my dad as strong/ideal. We've always been close. He worked from home when I was younger, so he was always there when I came home from school to make me a snack and ask about my day. As I've gotten older, that closeness has remained. I tell my dad pretty much everything about my life (the whole relationship thing, not so much), school, friends, parties, whatever. He tells me about his life, too, and what he was like whne he was a teenager. It's a friendship as much as it is a father-daughter relationship (though his authority is always there). My dad is also my biggest cheerleader. He's always there to tell me that I'm smart enough/talented enough/pretty enough, and that I can do anything I put my mind to. While he's definitely an over-doting father :), knowing that he trusts me and supports me helps a lot.</p>

<p>That's not to say that things are perfect, or that we never fight, but...the lines of communication are open and the respect is there, so things get resolved pretty quickly. I love my dad SO much, and I love the relationship that we have. I hope you can achieve the same kind of closeness with your daughter.</p>

7

<p>Time is the most important thing. No child can ever be close to a parent she doesn't see. My mother works long hours, I see much more of my father, and my relationships with each of them reflect that. My dad and I have a fabulous relationship, but my mother and I can hardly stand to be in the same room for more than an hour. My dad knows how school, college apps, my life (in a general way) are going.</p>

<p>Make no negative comments about physical appearance, ever. Or even any comments at all, unless it's "You look nice."</p>

<p>Slip her a twenty every so often (not frequently) when she's not expecting it, just for being herself, especially if you know she's strapped for cash. You could look at it as a little bribe, but little surprises will keep her friendly. Be indulgent, but definitely don't cave every time she asks you for something - you'll turn into a human checkbook and she won't respect you.</p>

8

<p>Everyone above has given great advice.</p>

<p>Just some general comments...
I would not consider my relationship with my father strong at all... I'm sure he thinks it's fine because he's just oblivious.
No matter what, make sure your daughter knows you love her for being herself, not because of her accomplishments, grades, anything. Don't treat her any differently if she doesn't perform well at a sports game/meet, doesn't do well on a test even though she studied for it, or anything basically beyond her control. If she's trying her best, that's all she can do.<br>
This is one major area where I feel that my father has basically failed miserably. As a 10 year old, if I had a bad swim meet, my father would glare at me and not talk to me or would yell at me for a week after. Similar things happened with softball and grades. Now that I'm older I just don't let my father attend any of my sports games/meets ever, and I just don't show him my report cards. </p>

<p>I have three younger brothers, and sometimes I feel that my father expects me to be like them in terms of things such as sensitivity, like if I ever cry in front of him he doesnt know how to deal with it and just starts yelling at me saying I'm such a baby, which of course doesn't help at all.</p>

<p>Lastly, give her some space. Always knock before you go into her room, especially as she gets older. Don't smother her, let her go out with her friends and have fun. When she starts getting interested in boys, don't be too strict because I've seen girls who weren't allowed to date until they were 16 or so and they always went behind their parents backs and had boyfriends,etc. anyway. </p>

<p>I'm sure some of this won't apply to you because you seem like a great person for caring enough to ask these questions anyway</p>