<p>Is it possible to maintain a relationship with a BF/GF and still focus on schoolwork? If it is obvious that they have become a major distraction, what is the best strategy for a well intentioned parent? Any thoughts, please? Thanks.</p>
<p>College or HS?</p>
<p>Junior in HS. The most important year as far as grades?</p>
<p>Our conversation (parents of both parties with each respective teen at the beginning of the school yr) about this included how he/she needed to be the best they could be as individuals,
how he/she were young and had many yrs of school etc ahead
and how keeping it casual friends etc was the better choice…
that as they grew, matured etc they would bring a better “self” to the equation when they were ready for more
how he/she needed to put the time into the school work etc, ECs, vol hrs etc…
We limited FB and text/phone time too.</p>
<p>I know of another family who moved their daughter’s laptop to the family room to limit her time online with the boy…</p>
<p>I dunno…S2’s grades improved when he and his GF studied together - they have different academic strengths and when they put them together, both did better. They’ve been dating almost 2.5 years.</p>
<p>But seriously…we keep the avenues of commnication open. They are both level-headed kids and will talk about what’s going on, and in turn I can pipe up if I see the balance getting skewed. Usually they recognize and deal with it first, though.</p>
<p>S1 didn’t really date in HS, but spent lots of time online with friends, so some of the same parameters and reminders apply to balancing one’s responsibilities apply, even if it’s not a romantic thing.</p>
<p>What is the best strategy for a well-intentioned parent? In this particular area, I don’t think anyone has invented a strategy that’s guaranteed to work. Doing nothing has a somewhat lower failure rate than doing something, though, and helps preserve family harmony, too.</p>
<p>If your child, at 16 or 17, isn’t pretty well imbued with your values already, it’s not going to happen when you interfere with his or her love life. If your child IS imbued with your values, your child will fix the problems him- or herself. Is there a chance someone will drop out of contention for Harvard? Sure, but that’s not the end of anyone’s life, and it probably beats flunking out of Harvard when you can’t handle the same issues there.</p>
<p>One way or another, this is a “problem” that everyone has to learn how to manage, and generally without parental help.</p>
<p>It may be as simple as laying down some ground rules. For example, they can only hang out until 7 on school nights or no phone calls after 10 (a little hard to enforce with cell phones). Let them know that you want them to be happy in their relationship, but you want them to be focused on their schoolwork too, so there’s a balance. Don’t go into saying “you’re girlfriend is a distraction/bad influence” just say, I want you to be able to spend time together, but there needs to be time for your studies too. Show me that you can be responsible and mature enough to handle a relationship and schoolwork.</p>
<p>Whatever you do, if your kid has a B/GF that’s a bad academic influence, don’t badmouth him/her. That will just cause your kid to dig his heels in and make the relationship last longer. On the contrary, be scrupulously polite to the B/GF and supportive of the relationship, thus giving your kid no disincentive to do what high school kids do best–get bored and move on. Hopefully the next B/GF is more academically oriented. It worked for us.</p>
<p>If the parents of the BF/GF agree with you, it sometimes works to get the two families together at every opportunity. This can have the opposite effect of trying to break up a young couple, which usually ends up driving them closer together.</p>
<p>I dunno…S2’s grades improved when he and his GF studied together - they have different academic strengths and when they put them together, both did better. They’ve been dating almost 2.5 years.</p>
<p>I think that is key…if you have a home environment that encourages them to hang out and use your home as a study place, it can have a positive effect. However, if the relationship is one where they are always going, going, going…and academics are getting short-shrift and your child is getting little sleep, then it’s a problem.</p>
<p>I support having a home environment that encourages them to study together…have a nice meal, nice snacks, etc. :)</p>
<p>in my own experience, if you’re kid really cares about their schoolwork, a B/GF won’t have a negative effect on them…</p>
<p>if you have a kid who is not consistent in their “ambition” in terms of schoolwork, a studious B/GF could really help them (study together, etc) and a slacker B/GF could possibly push them towards apathy…</p>
<p>depends on your situation…</p>
<p>Food works here, too. S2 is a great cook, and neither of them has lots of discretionary funds, so a lot of their “dates” are a movie and dinner here. He also cooks when they study.</p>
<p>I’m surprised at how much <em>effective</em> studying they do via IM as well.</p>
<p>rodney, I don’t think it’s always as simple as “caring.” It’s about developing good habits, which is essentially a skill, and one that comes more naturally to some kids than others. I don’t think our son “cares” about his schoolwork any more now than he did a year and a half ago, but he’s become much better at it, and part of the reason is that he has a girlfriend who reinforces good habits instead of competing with them.</p>
<p>^^nightchef: absolutely, but I was too lazy to be that specific…thanks for clarifying…</p>
<p>A girl with a better GPA than your S is a great defense!</p>
<p>in my own experience, if you’re kid really cares about their schoolwork, a B/GF won’t have a negative effect on them…</p>
<p>Sometimes true/sometimes not. Some kids who care about their grades also care about (finally) having a boy/girlfriend and that can cause a drop in grades.</p>
<p>^^yup, that’s why I prefaced it with “in my own experience”…and I only have two kids, so one could say that the “experience” is very limited…if you know what I mean…</p>
<p>I agree with Rodney. I have had a boyfriend for about two years who is definitely NOT motivated to suceed in school. In the beginning he would give me a pretty hard time about all the time I spent doing homework and/or community service activities. After some time, he realized that I was not going to change and gave up. Now, the decisions letter are coming in (his haven’t been very positive) he’s not quite so critical.</p>
<p>I don’t think you should forbid or discourage the relationship, as that has the possibility of making them more steadfast in his/her feelings. I would just, reinforce the importance of their grades and all the great opportunities for him/her in the years ahead in college.</p>
<p>My D’s BF last year, when she was a junior, was a good influence. He was a senior in another school district and his parents were at least as strict as I am in many ways. He was a good student and his parents were very firm about him keeping that up through senior year.</p>
<p>D’s current BF (in the same school as she is) is another story. Very nice boy, but not nearly the student that she is. However, as someone here said, your S or D will have values already about schoolwork. For example, during mid-terms this year, D had to tell her BF that she has to study because she cares (even if he doesn’t).</p>
<p>I would just set parameters if they are spending too much time together and your S or D isn’t studying enough. In a couple of years (just a few short months for me), they will have to be time-managing their social life and studies on their own. This is the last chance to teach them.</p>
<p>I had a gf for the majority of junior year and it didn’t negatively affect my grades at all. And I also had to balance national-level athletics and other ECs. If anything, it helped me with school work because I was more motivated to get it done quickly and procrastinate less so I could spend more time with her.</p>
<p>Gf, who was a graduating senior and valedictorian, didn’t have any change in her grades in her grades, either, as far as I can remember.</p>