Hi so I’m not doing okay. I’m finishing my freshman year of college next week and nothing is better. I’ve never really had friends or fit in with anyone, but I don’t know why. I’m weird sure but not in a visible way, I just try to fit in with everyone quietly. I dress normal, I act normal, I talk and listen to the same types of music. I don’t understand.
I have a boyfriend of four and half years, and we had some problems last semester but we are getting better. He doesn’t even try to make friends and makes them instantly.
I have been trying all year to make friends, I live in dorms and I haven’t had a roommate. I just feel hopeless at this point, I’m depressed, lonely, and it has just been incredibly hard. I don’t want to drink and party but it’d be nice to go once in a while and not drink just be DD or be high, that way maybe I could make friends or just feel less alone.
I even started going to a therapist provided by the wellness center on campus but it’s almost summer.
He diagnosed me as mild to moderate depressive disorder and social anxiety.
Basically, it’s already extremely hard to talk to people, make eye contact, etc. But I have been trying.
At this point I just get high almost every night just to feel happy and less alone. It’s not my boyfriends or anyones fault I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. Don’t get me wrong getting high is fun and all but it’s not what I use it for. I just use it because when I’m high, I’m happy and it’s like I have my own bubble. No one can hurt me, my feelings, and I can just be me and not stress and feel a constant anxiety. I do sleep more now or not at all. But the not sleeping was due to nightmares having to do with my relationship problems from last semester. I just need a girl best friend who is willing to go eat with me at the dining hall and shop and get high to watch goofy movies. Just you know, what you imagine as having a girl best friend.
I am thinking about living off campus in a small apartment next year with my guinea pig. But I’m worried, that i’ll just be as depressed and lonely as before. help.
Do you have any tips on making friends or just dealing better in college?
I know it’s a long post and I’m sorry if it’s a ramble but help please?
Well getting high every night, not sleeping and hiding in a “bubble” is a recipe for making your situation worse. Your depression and social anxiety do not sound mild to moderate and it may be compounded by your substance use. Your mental health needs to be prioritized. Otherwise you are at high risk of becoming sicker. Yes, mental illness is illness. You are about to leave school the summer. Perhaps talking to your parents about what is going on and asking for their help finding you proper mental health care over the summer to get your mental issues and substance use under control would be a good place to start. Then you may be able to work on effective skills for developing relationships that you desire. It’s unlikely to happen being high in a bubble everyday.
I would suggest to start by getting off the pot and not getting high any longer. Being able to function without it and not use it as a crutch is critical to your health and well being. The way you are using pot is no longer just recreational.
Agree with the previous poster…take the summer to get your mental health under control.
Have you ever considered gong to a party and just holding a beer or solo cup? (you said you didn’t want to drink) Nobody says you have to get trashed but that can be a way to participate and be social.
I find it interesting that you have had a boyfriend for 4 and a half years but haven’t made other friends. That is a long time at your age. Is this relationship healthy? Is it getting in the way of making friends?
The off campus apartment could be isolating but I would imagine your housing is already secured for next year.
Summer is here - enlist the help of your parents to get you some help over the summer. Good luck.
I agree, living off campus is going to make things worse. Getting high isn’t helping you, because you clearly don’t feel good about it. Throw all that stuff away, destroy it.
The good news is that you can forget this year and move forward with your life. If you move off campus, find one that needs roommates. Or look at the campus housing office, see who needs a roommate. Being in your own is isolating. Address that. Be with someone else.
Did you join clubs? Did you volunteer, or get a campus job? Both great ways to meet people who you already have something in common with. If you are religious, or even if not, you will find the campus ministry very welcoming, with lots of events for all. Join yoga, that’s nonthreatening. My D was very shy and struggled with finding friends at first. She joined a knitting group, where she was taught from scratch by others in the group, and she went to campus community dinners. Join a hiking group on campus. There are a lot of ways to be in contact with others who share something with you, but these things don’t involve you having to be super sociable.
Living on your own is alienating, clearly. It is not a healthy choice for you. Be proactive, make things happen for yourself. Keep going to counseling, and take it a day at a time. You will be ok.
Please take this with a grain of salt. Pick up the book Aspergirls. It’s a great book for any women with social anxiety or falling somewhere on the spectrum. I think you might find it helpful. I mean not to offend! I am a mom of an aspie and sister (and childhood roommate for 17 years) of a sibling with social anxiety. This book was meaningful/helpful for both.
Thank you all for your comments. I stopped using pot for a while but just became more unstable and depressed. I don’t do it constantly but often. I don’t drink by choice, I tried a couple parties last semester and ended crying and very sad while drunk, it just never ended well.
My relationship is healthier now but I would like to spend a bit more time with him than I get to. Since we used to live together before college, I was used to always having him to sleep next to at night and eat meals with. So that has all changed, I see him maybe once or twice a week now. Once in college though, he cheated and it broke my heart, I can’t and won’t leave him though, we have been through too much to just give up. So we worked on his behavior and actions and I’ve worked on trusting him again and bettering our relationship for the better. Now it is getting there, I trust him enough to let him go to parties alone, but I DD so he doesn’t drive and for my own comfort. We tend to go get food from a 24/hour village inn and spend and hour or two eating and hanging out together with his friend(s) after I pick them up, which is really fun for me. My bf is super sweet to me when he is drunk and last weekend told me the sweetest thing he has said in a while and it really helped me realize I can trust him again. So that honestly really helped lift some stress, anxiety, and worry about us.
While the help from parents, isn’t likely. I haven’t lived with my family since I was 15, and I’m 19 now. I speak to them on the phone usually every other week or two. I’ve had a lot of trauma in my life, from taking care of my sisters most of their lives constantly(as if I was their mom, they even called me mom when they were younger because they didn’t know the difference), to getting molested by my step-dad, who is still with my mom(hence as to why I chose to move out on my own), to supporting myself and working 4 full time jobs and doing online high school maintaining a B grade average was extremely stressful. I think the abandonment and lonely issues stem from being the mom or adult in my life for myself. The emotional dependency I have on my bf is from that and well he has been my only family for years now. I try to be less dependent on him but it is hard.
While I appreciate the advice to quit, trash, or stop using weed, I don’t think I will. I’ll mostly stop for the summer and see how it goes, but I’m honestly okay doing that since my bf and I will live together in the summer.
I don’t have anymore therapy appointments but he is available at his off campus office so if it comes to it, I can try to do that. I can’t really afford a off- campus therapist because I don’t have insurance, I’m broke, my parents are broke, and I don’t have anyone else I can go to about that.
I will check out the book, I’m honestly not sure what you meant by take it with a grain of salt? but if it helped them maybe it can help me. I used to think I was a aspie because I have trouble with eye contact and social skills and with controlling my emotions but was never diagnosed with it, so I’m not sure. My bf thinks I’m bi-polar and wants me to get my emotions under control. And I’m trying but I don’t know how to exactly. I didn’t have guidance growing up, and from 2nd grade- 8th grade I was on ADHD meds which made me a zombie, loss of appetite, and not social. So I’m wondering if that could have effected my socialization growing up and my social abilities now.
I used to go to ASL club which I enjoyed for the most part, it was hard bc you have to communicate with people but I didn’t really have to speak which was better. I’m not really an outdoors type of person. I would love to have a group of girls to crochet with and help teach but there isn’t a club for that. I might take your advice and create this club so I could be more social with something I enjoy doing anyways. Maybe I could even make friends with a couple girls in the club, where we can do it outside of the club or just go hang out.
I will continue to work on myself, I just wish I had a better support system I guess.
Thank you to everyone who responded.
Whoa. What? Your boyfriend has cheated on you and is nice to you when he’s drunk? In other words, he’s a user and you’re a doormat. You are better than that and deserve better. I’m not surprised you are using pot to escape your unhappiness.
Run. Now. You are in a toxic relationship and no good will come from it.
Get a job on campus over the summer, if any are available, or just get a job near the college. Stay on campus if it’s affordable, but continue to see the therapist. Explain the financial situation so that maybe he will discount the rate.
No good is going to come of your situation if you fail to see that using drugs and being dependent on your “boyfriend” is in no way helpful to you.
@tiana_prince you can ask the therapist you were seeing or schedule with a specialist in your area to do an assessment. Personally I think we all fall somewhere on the spectrum. Everyone is different but a few things you mentioned in your original post are consistent with many aspies…particularly the eye contact and the constant anxiety. For my daughter I felt getting a diagnosis was helpful because it gave us a road map to understand and figure out how to move forward. For her it was like a light bulb…she said that now everything makes sense. She has been able to build a social network of other aspies who get her and she feels very connected/supported. Another book to read is called Twice Exceptional…found this very helpful as well. Good luck. I am rooting for your success.
No wonder you are emotionally dependent on your boyfriend after all you went through with your family.
I think you may be unconsciously looking for the same dependency in your friends, and potential friends may notice this and keep away from you - nobody wants to become an emotional crutch.
I’m not a therapist, so take my words with a grain of salt, but I’ve struggled a lot with social anxiety and I wish I had better advice when I was your age. I think you need to step away for a moment and work on affirming your worth as a separate human being. Don’t define yourself by your relationships or by whatever your boyfriend says about you. Find some activities that you like, clubs, volunteering, and you will meet others who will have something in common with you, so the social part will be easier, but you will not depend on them for your happiness. Remind yourself you are worthy of love and respect, and eventually others will see this too. It would be best if you can continue working on this with a therapist, but you’ll still have to do the work. You can do it.
If you are the Designated Driver anyway and hang out with him and his friends after the parties why not go to the parties with them? It would build your confidence to talk to others with them there, you will meet other people and maybe make a friend or two girl wise. you seem to like the “after party” of eating and socializing with his friends.
Maybe you do not have the opportunity at your school to go to parties?
Advice from above posters is good. You should maybe assess your relationship with the bf and see if you are in a healthy partnership. Also, getting assessed by a psychologist will help you find that path of others like you if you are on the spectrum or more information if you are not. Joining clubs, churches, activities, volunteering, dorm life, part time jobs all lead to more social connections so try to do one or two soon. I would advise against going off campus and making your social circle even smaller.
I am sorry you have been molested. That is awful and the trauma will follow you for a long time if not life long. It would be a good idea to continue to work on that in therapy. It is exacerbated by the fact your mom chose to stay with him over helping you. Each alone would be difficult all together plus no support system is very difficult. You are doing well on your own for what you have been through. Keep your chin up
help.