<p>I disagree with my spouse about paying $100,000 for our kid's education.
I can't see me and my spouse going broke while the kid goes to college when I see these things going on.
A lot of it is about what comes out of the mouth of our kid.</p>
<p>The kid really seems to hate us these days and I don't believe that going to college will produce a kid that does a turnaround and realizes what we are going to sacrifice to pay for this.
This amount of money took saving up since the kid was born so don't think we are a family that has a lot of money. But even we did have a lot of money I would NOT want to pay for this kid's education.</p>
<p>Who do I address this with the spouse or the kid?</p>
<p>I know I'd feel differently if:
1- We were treated with respect by the kid.
2- If I wasn't being blamed by the kid for the kid not knowing how to cook. We were told that we don't know how to cook.<br>
3- If I saw the kid studying during the senior year more than 1 hour a week.
4- If the garbage was taken out by the kid and not me more than once in the past month to 3 months.
5- If I didn't have to get mad to get the garbage taken out.
6- Same for unloading dishwasher instead of leaving the dishes in the family room and other various places - daily!
7- I wasn't continually being asked for things like a new computer and a car and sports gear.
8- When the kid wants something from us like to borrow the car the kid is suddenly gets very nice to us.
9- When the car gets returned the gas level is below empty and we may not even make it to the gas station nevermind where we are trying to get to and the car is returned dirty with garbage and sports gear.
10- If the kid felt grateful for having the education paid for.</p>
<p>Should I go on? I'm making myself upset just writing this.</p>
<p>I’m sorry, thankless, I know this must be frustrating. There is the whole “fouling the nest” that goes on at this age, and many seem to be up to it right now. Including mine on occasion. </p>
<p>I really do not have any advice, other than to ask whether or not this has been his long term behavior, or if he is testing the waters of adulthood. And ask what his grades are like. I know that it has taken every bit of energy for my son to work through senioritis and maintain grades. He has been pleasant through most of the spring, but there have been moments. </p>
<p>good luck to you, they tell me it does improve! I hope “they” are right!</p>
<p>Your family has built up 17+ years of this behavior. Time for you and spouse to come to agreement on the next step. It’s not going to be easy pulling away the baby bottle when your kid has been sucking from it since in utero.</p>
<p>I’d have it out immediately. Offer to pay for one semester on condition of immediate changes and ongoing mainenance of good grades and behavior. He she is not entitled. Certainly not $100 K in debt unless you and spouse are huge income earners.</p>
<p>Bottom line, if you wanted to change the terms of the “who’s paying for college?” deal, that was a conversation you needed to have a long time ago. Pulling the rug out from under him now serves no ones interests.</p>
<p>The flip side of this is that, yes, even though it’s expensive, the money you are spending will get the ungrateful brat out from under your roof . . . and it sounds like that will be a blessing!</p>
<p>He is a teenager, much or what you’re describing is normal, and it will get better. In the meantime, what you can do is set rules for behavior when he’s at home. He wants to use the car, he fills the tank. He wants a computer, he contributes at home instead of behaving like a slob. You can also insist that if he wants spending money, he get a summer job.</p>
<p>There’s a lot that’s negotiable . . . but college tuition, once you’ve agreed to pay for it and he’s already enrolled, should not be one of the bargaining chips.</p>
<p>I would say, if you and spouse cannot agree on spending or not spending the money, counseling or clergy may be helpful. The most important thing is that you guys present a ‘united front’ and that both of you are comfortable doing this. </p>
<p>I 100 percent support your position, but I know that it might be impossible to withhold the money unless your spouse is on board. If spouse cannot see it your way, perhaps a counseling session or session with clergy may help bring him/her to see things from your perspective or, vice-versa. At any rate, a “united plan” does need to be presented to kid if any action is going to be taken, because if kid can work one parent he/she will continue to do so, and be very happy in continuing on this path…</p>
<p>For now, I would suggest no more car privileges and a serious talk with kid about language and behavior. Maybe 3 months of sitting around the house not using the family car might make kid realize that he/she should have an attitude change. Things can get really boring during a long summer with no transportation to meet up with friends ;)</p>
<p>This sounds like normal teenage behavior. Not taking out the garbage is not on the same level as stealing from you, getting someone pregnant, etc. Yes, it is infuriating that the child is not showing respect. Perhaps some mediation with a good therapist would do you all some good. I don’t think that sacrificing your child’s future–or even threatening to do so-- is productive behavior here.</p>
<p>Now that I’ve posted I see I’ve cross-posted with a few so I just want to pop back in and say that I do acknowledge that everyone has a different way of parenting and a different sense of what should be ‘on’ or ‘off’ the table as far as punishment. </p>
<p>But I promise you. If H and I are paying for Step-D’s education and she gets in to her top school, and then she even ‘thinks’ about doing some of the things that were listed by the OP (as far as the OP’s Kid’s behavior) her college would be totally on the table as a thing that would be taken away. I’m not saying she does one thing and we cancel her college plans, but if her behavior was repeated and pervasive and ~as~ disrespectful as what I just read…yes, I would have no problem signing her up for community college or a college within a few miles of her home. </p>
<p>Obtaining a college education is NOT a right. It’s a privilege. There are many, respectful, very deserving kids out there that cannot afford it. I’m not paying for a disrespectful entitled kid to attend college, no way, no how.</p>
<p>I agree, to a point, laurendog, but I don’t know if we have the full picture here. What has been causing the disrespect? Is the parent respectful to the child? Has the child gone through something difficult that he/she hasn’t been able to share with he parent? What does the child resent? Do both sides have legitimacy? I think therapy is the first strategy. Cutting off funds comes much later. I also don’t see not doing dishes, etc, as reason to hurt a childs future. More important, though, is the relationship has to improve. They are at an impass and need a good counselor (and there are bad ones out there).</p>
<p>TypicL teenage behavior isn’t an excuse for rudeness, laziness, or meanness</p>
<p>Sit him down today, with a household contract and list of expectations. And no car. He can walk. And of he doesn’t put gas in it, he has lost use for a week. In would rather drive him myself just to make the point.</p>
<p>I understand having to ask teens to take out the trash, empty the idshwasher, but twice is the limit, and after that then I go on strike. Seriously.</p>
<p>I told my daughters when they would be all crabby, snappy at me, and rude that I am not the enemy, that we deserve better treatment, and without it, suddenly all the nice things we do will go away. I understand it can be rough zttis age, but this whole dirtying the next thing is not excuse for extended rudeness and snottiness. I have no problem saying, I don’t deserve the attitude and cut it out. And imhave also said as you sweet daughter are acting like a middle schooler, I will treat you as such.</p>
<p>This has prob been going on for s long time for the op, but it’s never to late to chat about behavior, attitude expectations and sacrifice.</p>
<p>I think you have to look at the big picture, too. In the scheme of things, not taking out the garbage is annoying, but not so terrible. I am always guilty of not filling the gas tank. I refuse to do that as a matter of principle and my husband can just bite me on that one. </p>
<p>When my D was in the think of IB tests in high school, she was an absolute monster. If I had made permanent decisions based on that behavior, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.</p>
<p>OP, have you spoken to your son in a serious manner and explained that college is, in fact, a privilege? </p>
<p>It looks to me like you’re searching for an excuse not to pay.</p>
<p>Thanks all
I see that it will take some viewing the positive things about this child.
I’m hearing some say it’s normal behavior.</p>
<p>vlines
it is long term behavior and something to note is the sibling does NOT act like this</p>
<p>T26E4
I like the idea of paying for 1 semester.
Spouse won’t go to clergy</p>
<p>zoosermom
We are not immigrants.
Something wonderful:
The kid hasn’t stolen from us and doesn’t take drugs or alcohol.</p>
<p>I believe it’s not too late to withdraw from the school.</p>
<p>dodgersmom
If I acted that way at work they’d pull the rug
out on me right away concerning money</p>
<p>sylvan8798
I’d like to be able to take a summer vacation this year or
some year in the future.
By the time the kid is done with school we will have somewhere near
that amount saved up. To get to that point we will have to skimp over
the next 4 years.</p>
<p>laurendog
agreed
maybe spouse will volunteer to sit with the kid for the 3 months </p>
<p>redpoint
I’d feel sorry for the mediator ; )</p>
<p>Sounds like a normal teenager to me! thank goodness you’re only upset about garbage and cooking.
As for cooking–tell him to go for it–my son learned to cook pretty well given open access to the kitchen and a beginner cook book. I think it’s made him a more independent and responsible person. And garnered him some friends at college!
If the money is the issue, that is between parents. You need to decide what you can comfortably afford for college and rethink the college selection.</p>
<p>My nest is getting a bit foul as well. DS is in that horrible in between stage of wanting independence yet not being responisble enough to do what is required on his own.</p>
<p>Not paying for school now is not a good way to bring the family together, but you have absolute control over all the other money and use of car, etc. I agree that now is a good time to rewrite the living contract until your dearone goes off to school.
Car is a privilege that is earned through chores. No chores, no car, and no reminding.
Since cooking has become an issue, dearone can contribute with one family meal weekly. You, of ocurse can buy ingredients, give recipes and offer support. No better way to learn to cook than to actually do it.
Money for anything other than necessities can be withheld. Don’t feel guilty and set clear expectations for things. Is dearone going to work this summer? If it is possible to get a job (though that can be tough right now) then he/she has the choice to behave the same and pay for self, or to adhere to the family contract.
In order to give dearone more independence, make sure he/she knows how to clean own room, do own laundry, etc by no longer doing these things.</p>
<p>My child is very similar, actually has the exact same duties. But he doesn’t drive. Hmm I would say he does most things, but doesn’t do a great job. Like dishes put away but randomly not stacked appropriately etc. We had to sit him down tell him to go back and fix it. Depends on how receptive they are. Seems like your situation does he show like the your an idiot type stare or thoughts when you ask him to do something. Then its definitely time to sit him down.</p>
<p>No offense, but it crossed my mind that this could be a ■■■■■ . . .</p>
<p>fwiw, I also get a little resentful when my kid doesn’t seem to appreciate our paying for her private college. I wish she would keep a tighter budget and distinguish between wants and needs. (She doesn’t need to have her hair dyed. She doesn’t need to eat out in restaurants. She doesn’t need to get a $75 ticket for running a red light. . .)</p>
<p>She does help with housework and yardwork when she’s home, though.</p>
<p>Easier said than done, but make clear expectations, set clear consequences for not adhering to expectations, follow through and be consistent. Have the talk with him/her about what you sacrificed and how you feel at this point with the situation as it is. IOW, let him/her know if you want college paid for this is what is expected. Some respect and some appreciation is not too much to ask, imo.</p>
<p>And maybe stop referring to him/her as “the kid” all the time.</p>
<p>Has your S always been required to do those chores and just recently quit or have you always walked around behind him and picked up after him? If he is like my D, the latter is true. I chose just a few battles when she was little - do well in school, play a team sport, listen to “no”, - violation of the rules resulted in swift and certain punishment (time outs and maybe a grounding or two)</p>
<p>Notice chores were not listed in there - I may be insane, but I still do her laundry and pick up her room - pretty much police all the dishes and trash she leaves lying around and make her meals (or order them). I am a little on the OCD neat and tidy so waiting around for a kid to get home or wake up to clean up after themselves wasn’t happening anyway.</p>
<p>Okay, so now I have an 18 year old that if I ordered her to do the dishes or take out the trash or clean her room - ain’t happening!!! I have asked nicely and she has done one of those things a time or two, but I rarely bother asking. That is my concession for her holding up her end of the bargain - I ended up with a kid who will be able to take care of her messy self at some point - but more importantly, will be well educated and take care of herself financially!!! </p>
<p>I think all teenagers can have attitude issues - especially at this stage… but I have noticed they don’t last long and generally go hand in hand with exhaustion from loss of sleep, school and sport.</p>
