<p>My son is a wonderful, hardworking, self-directed person. He eschews wealth and plans a life of service. We have always lived a typical middle class existance minus the frills. Our house is not fancy, our cars are 10 years old, etc. But we had the luxury of lots of time with our children. We don't have a lot of money for college because we are paying off our own grad school loans, but we have some.</p>
<p>My son wants to go to a wonderful school that will be a financial hardship for us. I am willing to take on this hardship even though it means giving up something I love very much AND taking on another job, possibly. </p>
<p>Is it too much to ask for a little gratitude? He is not spoiled but he is not a grateful kid, either, and he seems to think his hard work deserves significant sacrifices on his parents part. It might, but a little acknowledgment about what he is asking from us might be in order.</p>
<p>What's the deal? Am I nuts to want a thank you??</p>
<p>You are not nuts , but I think sometimes our kids don’t realize the sacrifices we make.
I think when they get older they have more of a capacity for showing their appreciation.
I know I took certain things for granted when I was a kid, then as I got older I really understood how things are and were.</p>
<p>It’s not too much to want it, but I swear, I don’t think a lot of (middle class) kids GET it! I have no idea how to make these numbers real to my D, who is a pretty frugal kid. And my son? Fuggedaboudit.</p>
<p>What’s your son doing to afford his dream school? If he’s not doing anything – taking out loans, working a summer job, working during the school year – perhaps he’d be more appreciative of your efforts if he were contributing more to achieving his own dream. It’s hard for students to appreciate what parents are doing if kids themselves never have to sacrifice or work a job.</p>
<p>You are not nuts, but it’s your fault - you made him feel that he can take for granted your willingness to pay for his education…
Our kids were like that as well. They did become more grateful after seeing some of their friends not being so lucky…</p>
<p>nngmm: Au contraire. One of the things that is bothering my son is that he thinks we aren’t supportive enough and that he can’t just depend on us for the money. THAT’S why he thinks we are being tight. </p>
<p>He will be taking out loans and working. He didn’t work much in highschool but didn’t spend much at all. He studied and did community service and frugal entertainment. He isn’t a spender, but feels frustrated that his dream might not be realized because we can’t afford it. </p>
<p>I totally GET that feeling. What I don’t get is that he think we SHOULD be willing to make the sacrifice and so he isn’t that grateful that we are trying to find a way.</p>
<p>Arrgghhh!</p>
<p>On a lighter note: we showed him our budget and he sorta went “ohhhhh”. I think he secretly thought his dad and I were stashing money for our secret vacations, jewelry and were just crazy spenders. He is a little bit more realistic now (but not more grateful!)</p>
<p>It’s not too much to expect. I agree with Northstar. We are in a similar situation with you Jamie, in that I will take on another part-time job, in order that we don’t carry so much debt. However, we always told our D that we would pay for half of her college and that she would have to fund the other half, even if it means loans. </p>
<p>I do believe this- if you decide to sacrifice and send your S, regardless of his state, or lack thereof, of gratitude, then you must be prepared to do so in a spirit that doesn’t hang your sacrifice over his head. If you can do it from a pure place of love, fine. If you can’t, then don’t do it. </p>
<p>Yes, our children have probably achieved much up to this point and, deservedly, feel proud of their accomplishments. However, what they sometimes don’t realize is that those accomplishments were fostered, in part, as a result of the home they grew up in. None of us is “owed” anything, except to be loved, treasured, and provided a healthy home life.</p>
<p>Thanks that was really well said. Truthfully it just hurts because he has gotten so much love and we have such a good relationship, so it feels like a bit of a slap to have this kid think we owe him yet more. </p>
<p>I am not sure I could take a second job AND give up something I really love without a little gratitude. Maybe that’s not very adult of me. But I think a simple “thank you so much” would go a long way.</p>
<p>Maybe it’s not worth it for you to take a second job and give up something you love. In all honesty, the economy is brutal now. You may have to make even more sacrifices to keep him in that dream college. Meanwhile, most students end up being happy at the colleges that they attend. </p>
<p>I personally don’t think that your son has put a lot of sweat into going to his dream college. Saying this as someone who worked 20 hours a week as a high school senior (while participating in ECs), and also worked 60 hours a week during the summer after high school, and worked during the school year in college, and took out loans. I really did and do appreciate the sacrifices my mom made to send me to my dream school.</p>
<p>I am reminded of a conversation with my son. Frustrated at the stack of scholarship applications, he wondered why he bothered with “the little ones”. I had him do the math of how many hours I had to work at my part-time job to make whatever amount it was he could possibly receive. </p>
<p>He did the applications with no more grumbling. That’s my thanks. Sure it would be great to hear–but make sure you aren’t missing an unspoken thank you.</p>
<p>^motherofmine - “My son says that he gets to choose my nursing home one day and then I can see if he was reallly grateful or not.”</p>
<p>My daughter also says she gets to choose my nursing home some day. Then I say I get to work hard enough to make sure that there’s money to pay for the nursing home, or stop working quite so much, so that I can be in good enough health to avoid the nursing home route. </p>
<p>@ Northstarmom is right. I can’t imagine how yr S’s college choice would be worth giving up work that you love.</p>
<p>I also counsel against doing something that might make you resent your child. </p>
<p>And, college never turns out exactly as what a parent thinks. If your S has adjustment problems, doesn’t shine in his academics at first or otherwise “disappoints,” are you going to be tempted to pitch the old “look at the sacrifices we made” issue into the mix?</p>
<p>Do everyone a favor and get this worked out beforehand. </p>
<p>Does your S have other more affordable options? Suggest your S explain to you why he thinks he shouldn’t take the more affordable opton.</p>
<p>My mom went back to work when I was a HS junior. Once I started college (state school with a full tuition scholarship), her pay check basically went into my checking account. At the time I felt incredible guilt, but wasn’t welling up with gratitude. If you’re trying to manipulate emotions, make sure you can trigger the one you want.</p>
<p>A friend of mine once observed (in tears): “I hated my child for always having his hand out and I now know that he hated me for always filling it.”</p>
<p>As missypie said, parental sacrifices can come ladened with guilt for the child, even while they seem to demand the sacrifices.</p>
<p>You’re an adult, you have the option to say “thanks, but no thanks.”</p>
<p>Excellent points everyone. I don’t want him to feel guilty, but he probably would and that’s a huge burden for any kid. He has EXCELLENT scholarships at slightly less prestigious schools but it’s hard to let a dream die.</p>
<p>We talked today and he seems to be looking a little more clearly at things. The irony is that I would COMPLETELY support his dream if he would just be a little grateful! : )</p>
<p>I think that it’s nice to support our kids’ dreams, but it’s also important to support our own dreams. I don’t think that one isn’t being supportive by sending a kid to college while not working an extra job and giving up something you love for them to go to a dream school.</p>
A reasonable balance of the children’s wants and the adults’ wants</p>
<p>Going to a prestigious/expensive college is a want. </p>
<p>Having enough money to live on in retirement is a need. </p>
<p>Being able to get enough sleep/rest for your physical and mental health is a need (one that’s very difficult to attain if you’re working two jobs for 4-5 years).</p>
<p>I’m willing to sacrifice a lot of my wants for my children’s needs, and some of my wants for my children’s wants. But if I sacrifice my needs for their wants, I’m a martyr, not a mom.</p>
<p>I say this as a parent with serious martyr tendencies in need of squashing. I’m working on it.</p>
I’m working on it.</p>