<p>One tip on getting a respons to a text message. Don’t text “How are you?” or “Are you OK?” Instead, text something like: “What was the name of your math teacher junior year?”</p>
<p>I definitely think kids need to separate. On the other hand, they still have a relationship with their parents, and it is not asking too much to expect a brief contact once week or two. It comes down to basic manners and consideration, just like expecting your child to send a thank you note to someone for a gift. It teaches respect for another individual’s feelings and consideration for what is appropriate in maintaining relationships.</p>
<p>Also, since most parents are paying for some if not all of the bill, it is pretty obnoxious if a child cannot give a parent a few minutes of his or her time. That being said, maybe using the time to talk about something fun, such as a funny thing the family dog did that week, or interesting news from home, or even to chat about a mutual interest (politics, movies), might make the calls seem less intrusive at first. Eventually, the child might start to open up more about what he or she is doing.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>I find that if I text my d a picture of the family pets, I will surely get a response. Either “Awwwww” or she will text back a picture of a campus squirrel or a cat roaming around the dorms. It’s an opening.</p>
<p>Vitrac, you are a genius.</p>
<p>Love the story Hoosiermom.</p>
<p>Love the phrase “proof of life phone call”. </p>
<p>My two sons use alone time walking alone across campus to call home. Which works terrifically if you can put up with the randomness of the calls, and the abrupt endings when they run into a live friend or reach their destination.</p>
<p>I had the no-communication issue with our D in the first 2-3 weeks. But now she is more accessible. And I totally understand not picking our phone or replying promptly to our texts. She was so excited to be in College and being with friends and no curfew times and making new friends, discovering the new place and getting used to new life style. But I did get really angry and sad as I was not able to talk to her as often as I wanted too. My H who has lived on his own since HS school would tell me give her space.</p>
<p>The situation is different for moms. The kids go to college and get so busy with the life changing event of being independent, responsible ,new friends, the new set-up, doing things on their own so they are kinda more than busy. For my H after settling her life for him was back to the routine of back to office and all the pressures of the job. So he does not have he luxury of time to brood too much about it. And for moms especially stay at home mom of single child life suddenly is with a lot of time on our hands, therefore, also the luxury of trying to think/imagine what the kids will be doing during that time and so not hearing from them is more heartbreaking.</p>
<p>But looking back her not being able to call me becas she was busy is a better option than her calling me 1-2 times in a day. I can tell you for sure this will change just give her time. Like someone suggested keep sending your love and don’t expect anything. Your D will surprise you. </p>
<p>By the way at one time we also gave her an ultimatum on the need to have phone and a plan with unlimited data and call service was not required if she was not using it. Also during one of my conversations my D shared with me how her roomie just had an argument with her mom and she hung up on her mom. And the mother kept calling the roomie back and the girl would not take the call because she was angry at her mom. So I very sweetly told my D “you know what dear, your roomie’s mom is missing her very much that is why she is calling again and again. She loves her very much otherwise she would not bother calling so many times.” And I left it that. I guess she understood where I was coming from.</p>
<p>So here is hoping you get a call from your D soon and Hugs to you.</p>
<p>“I really don’t think it is expecting too much to ask for a weekly hello when the parents are funding the education.”</p>
<p>I agree. We’re talking about courtesy. It is rude to ignore texts, calls, and emails. The parent should keep it cool, and the kid needs to respond. I would probably stop paying for a cell phone if the child wouldn’t use it to respond to my reasonable weekly contact. College students got along fine without them less than 10 years ago!</p>
<p>I disagree that 2x a week is too much for a child with a history of depression and cutting. If this were my daughter, I would absolutely expect twice a week communication and I would also want some sort of visual communication at least every other week. A mother can see a lot in her daughter’s beautiful face. When I was satisfied that she was adjusting well, I would consider once a week contact.</p>
<p>As far as how to manage the twice a week communication, I would tell her it is important to you that you make contact with her twice a week. I would clearly define how this contact is to occur. for example, I would tell her you expect a text from her on Wednesday and that if you have not heard from her by 8:00pm, you will text her and expect a reply. Same with a Saturday phone call, although I would suggest the day be Sunday, as there is generally a lot less going on on Sunday.</p>
<p>You know your daughter best. My friend’s daughter had issues with depression and cutting and when she went away to college and when they didn’t hear from her, they knew she was depressed. So go with your instincts–you definitely want her to be healthy.</p>
<p>^^^ I would agree with the last 2 posts.</p>
<p>If she has had a history of depression and cutting herself I wouldn’t think that communication twice a week is OTT. Having heard from a friend that he is also concerned about her I would continue to try to make contact with her. I’m on my Daughters FB page and although I don’t post, it is nice to be able to see her comments/photos etc. We also try and Skype once a week as you can tell much more actually seeing them than you can in just a few texts or phone calls.</p>
<p>Explain to her how worried you are (especially since she has a history of problems) and try to encourage her to contact you more - even the card with no money in it (great idea) or ask her to do it between classes and a couple of times a week.</p>
<p>Best of luck (((hugs)))</p>
<p>thanks for the all the messages here … some helpful … some not so much.<br>
My daughter called yesterday – ever so briefly – to ask what her routing number and bank account number was … she was setting up a paypal. She would not tell me what she was buying. I tried to ask some questions about how things were going and she was less than receptive and the whole thing lasted 5 minutes - maybe. She had to run - a shift. It was very unsatisfying for me.</p>
<p>Those suggestions to send one way communication by mail are great - but she rarely checks her mail. She actually asked me to send her sneakers at one point and we had to remind her to pick up the package from the mailroom multiple times. It’s right next to her mail box - and she hadn’t pick up any regular mail either … </p>
<p>Frankly - she is rude and selfish and besides getting angry I really don’t know what else to do about it … Suggestions to say this or that to her are hard to follow through on if she’s not answering my call or staying on the phone long enough to have a conversation. </p>
<p>We’re headed up there for homecoming – which I reminded her of - and she sounded less than thrilled. My husband’s immediate reaction was to not go – it’s a long drive (6 1/2 hours each way) and the expense of a hotel - so why bother. To me that would be punishing me - not her so we will force her to deal with us when we are there. Hopefully she’ll turn on some charm by then.</p>
<p>Maybe you could ask the friend you’ve already spoken to to give her a swift kick up the backside. Get him to tell her how worried you are and how selfish she is being. Coming from a friend might give her a wake up call. Maybe if he tells her that he contacts his parents a couple of times a week she might consider that the norm.</p>
<p>Well, I would give it till second semester. But honestly, there is no excuse for out-and-out rudeness. You know your own daughter, but there could be financial ramifications I suppose if she is really being a little ****.</p>
<p>My S is pretty good about returning a text message about answering a specific question, as Hunt mentioned and is GREAT about calling home… when he needs something. I got all excited when he called me to say “hi” yesterday. Come to find out, his hard drive needed replacing on his computer.</p>
<p>rachelfran:</p>
<p>Given your daughter’s previous issues, I think a weekly skype would be very helpful and not inappropriate.</p>
<p>Given her extreme unwillingness to make contact, perhaps one option would be to talk with her directly at homecoming, and tell her that for both your comfort and her safety that there needs to be a five minute Skype Sunday evenings, though of course you will be flexible to shift to to Monday evening if she has something going on. I’d also put some significant consequences in – financially. </p>
<p>I’d feel a lot differently if she didn’t have a history of depression and cutting, but she does. I’d feel the same way if my kid had a history of eating disorders. The visual Skype provides would give a lot more information to help understand how she’s doing than a simple phone call. </p>
<p>It doesn’t need to be long. You don’t need to (and probably shouldn’t) know all the ins and outs of her experience. But you do need to see how she looks, and be able to see if she’s not washing her hair or showing any similar signs of depression or behaviors you’ve previously associated with cutting. </p>
<p>Maybe she’s absolutely fine and just feeling her oats. And if she’s doing that all on her own nickel, you don’t have much leverage. Otherwise, time to be a mean mom. And mean it.</p>
<p>You should have given her that routing number one digit at a time.</p>
<p>Seriously, I think in your situation you have to be more pointed. This is not just a forgetful kid who isn’t calling–she’s resistant. Maybe she feels that you interrogate her when you call–which some kids feel if they are asked any questions at all. But you do have the right to better communication than this.</p>
<p>I’ve enjoyed reading all these posts. Thanks to all for their insight. I am glad that other parents experience similar situtations.</p>
<p>Linda</p>
<p>I’m thinking of threatening to show up in the dorm lobby in an embarrassing holiday sweater every Sunday if she doesn’t call me to ask me not to.</p>
<p>My two sons, currently in their sophomore and freshman years at colleges across the country, tend to text with me much more than to talk on the phone. Because texting doesn’t have to be a “live interruption,” I think it fits into their daily routine better. Plus, at least in my family, the kids have fancier phones and they can type faster than I can “tap” 
However, I was thankful that when my older son felt homesick in his first semester, he did call home to talk live.</p>