<p>pamom59-
LOL! </p>
<p>I still periodically send a care package of some sort to my s. I then send him a msg to be on the lookout for a pkg and to please let me know when it arrives. That usually gets a response.</p>
<p>One of my sons went through a period of being “too busy” to make contact with us at home. I knew from facebook postings (on a sib’s account–he did not friend me back then) that he was alive and well, but I really didn’t care for his attitude.</p>
<p>When we did talk (those rare times he would pick up my call) I kept things upbeat and non-quizzatorial, about what was going on at home.</p>
<p>When I finally asked him why contact was such a problem for him, he basically said that he never thought about it/us because he was so busy.</p>
<p>H and I had some fun "forgetting " him and his requests for the next few weeks. That monthly infusion of cash that was hitting his account on the 15th every month? “Honey, I’m so sorry…been so busy and just didn’t think about it…you know, sweetie, out of sight/out of mind”…and just happened to continue to forget to put it in the next few days too.</p>
<p>There came a day when he wanted to buy a ticket for a concert that night and didn’t have the money. When he called, I was leading a meeting and didn’t get his call. He was quite peeved when I called him back the next day. At that point we discussed the fact that our status extended beyond that of being the Bank of Mom and Dad.</p>
<p>He’s grown up quite a bit since then and now is back to his old sweet and considerate self.</p>
<p>And I realize that sometimes my wanting to have contact with them is just because I am missing all/each one of them a lot, as I am not a fan of my empty nest. I definitely want to respect them and give them their space, privacy and independence.</p>
<p>We had a bit of discussion about this, and the boys were dumbfounded to learn that I don’t just call them whenever I want to…they thought that was ridiculous. They pointed out that they called whenever they felt like it (sometimes frequently) and did not think about whether I wanted their call at that particular time,etc. Their point was that they are not mindreaders, and that they have no clue as to whether on any particular day I am missing them more than usual, etc.</p>
<p>The upshot is that when I am missing them, etc., they have no problem with me letting them know that. I just text “missing you!” and I will get a return text/email/call either right away if feasible or else within a reasonable time…generally, something like “studying for econ test…will call tomorrow at 11 and if I forget call me!”</p>
<p>Maybe it’s because they are older/done with the teenage thing and a lot more considerate. We just don’t have these issues any more.</p>
<p>Have a similar story to some of the other posts. Son went off to college and we got no response to our calls or text messages. My wife finally sent a test saying she was coming up (only a 3.5 hour drive) if she didn’t hear from him within 24 hours. Got a quick text that he was OK, but it didn’t really change his habits. </p>
<p>Finally, one time he wanted to talk to us and we were at the movies (just by chance) and we didn’t pick up. He called several times before he got thru. He was quite upset he couldn’t get ahold of us “right away”. We talked about the reversal of roles at this point and he finally got it. We did need to hear from him once in a while. So, we made the agreement to promptly answer. He usually answers by text only, but does call once in a while. We find that his schedule is more variable and it isn’t always good timeing for him to answer a phone call, but he will make time to text soon after we try and get ahold of him. Just isn’t very wordy in his responses, but that’s OK.</p>
<p>Good luck with your daughter.</p>
<p>It sounds like the OP and her daughter have a few problems beyond phone calls, so I won’t try to address that, but I can give some insight on my own situation. When I was in college, my father called early every Sunday morning. It being the times before cell phones, I had to make sure I was home every Sunday morning, because how else could I explain why I wasn’t? So I often tried heading him off by calling from where ever I was. (It was also the times before Caller ID, too, thank goodness.) It put a lot of pressure on me and I resented it. Fast forward 30 years, and I was still calling Sundays until both my parents passed away a few years ago. Yes, it helped us stay in touch, but I’ve always felt that spontaneous, heart felt phone calls would have been so much more meaningful.</p>
<p>So I don’t make the same mistakes with my own daughters. I only call or text for a specific reason, and they pretty much do the same. One other thing, I don’t always make it about them. I’ll tell them something amusing or annoying that happened to me, about my plans and thoughts. They are much more likely to respond to “I just signed up for Zumba” than “How was class today?” They are grown ups now. It should be a dialogue.</p>
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<p>Dear Hoosiermom and any and all other parents who tend to use this my child owe me this much because I am paying big money here line of reasoning: Remember how dearly you love your children and how much they love you I know you love them, honestly you do, more than anything or anyone in the world! It is scary when they leave the nest, take bigger life risks, and when they start having adult-to-adult relationships with you, with them increasingly defining the relationship in their own terms. If I am totally honest with myself I can readily admit this terrifies me, and so I am ready to use any and all intellectual arguments to justify that my fear entitles me to take charge of protecting and controlling my child when I really no longer have that role in her life. Trust me, I have learned this the hard way - I made one big mistake with her already in my difficulty letting go. Once I understood that my feeling state (loss and fear) was running my actions, I was able to let go with more understanding of my (and my daughters) emotional needs at this juncture. Now I feel more relaxed and free with the amount of contact I have with her at no particular prescribed intervals Im letting her mostly set the pace of our communications - but I am reaching out to her once in a while if I feel a particular emotional or practical need. Im waiting for a reply to a text that I sent yesterday but Im not particularly bothered that she hasnt gotten back to me yet, because I know shes busy. Most importantly, I know she still cares and we havent lost that bond were just learning how to express it differently.</p>
<p>Please, notice if there is a fear that somehow you will lose them or their love under whatever line of reasoning you are using to try to keep control of your relationship with them. Please, think about how it affects your beloved children when you bring your financial cards into the realm of your relationship. The vast majority of college students are financially dependent on their parents how many 18 y.o. students are fully self-supporting and in college in todays economy? Take the money out of the equation. In my household growing up, my father (who was upper middle class there was never any stress about being able to afford college in my house) used to say when youre 21, youre off the payroll. This always made me feel resentful, like he saw me as an ungrateful, greedy employee, instead of as a loving, beloved daughter.</p>
<p>I prefer to think about finance this way: We are parents who love our child, and one of the ways we show our love is to support her future success in life by paying for her education. She doesnt owe us anything for that and she has so much more to give to us and to this world because we are giving to her.</p>
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<p>When I was in college, there was one phone in our fraternity house, for about 40 guys. It was rarely used. I can’t remember ever calling my parents from college - if I had (reversing the charges, of course), I’m sure they would have thought it was a catastrophic emergency situation.</p>
<p>Great message, Ms. Ladybug. I agree with every word; especially:</p>
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<p>no matter how countercultural that sounds to so many people.</p>
<p>Hahahaha! That is super funny. I will have to remember this for if/when I have a non-responsive kid!</p>
<p>@modadunn- I really like the name “Proof of Life” for a once a week phone call. I’m gonna borrow that too!</p>
<p>Talking about playing the ‘money’ card, I think if you love your children unconditionally , they know too well that you don’t mean it. If you have had a truly loving relationship with your children , which includes screaming at them at times, having heated arguments when they turn teens, I think they know moms are flashing that card caz they are angry and not because they they are vengeful.</p>
<p>Having said that, the first 2-3 weeks were tough for me. I would be terribly upset if she did not take/respond to my calls. I would get very emotional but would not let her know that because that would be emotional blackmail, and I would never do that and I also know that leaving home is a bigger transition for my child. So every time she would say ‘Can’t talk Ma’ for a variety of reasons 'am out with friends or am in the library or going down to do laundry or friends in the room or Club meeting mom i am running late ’ it would make me sad and angry that she does not have 5 minutes for her mother. But at the time I would be thrilled that she is not lonely and homesick and doing chores she has never done before and being responsible to make it for her classes on her own and doing reasonably well in her assignments and joining and being active member of her club. </p>
<p>So what I am saying is that you are right we don’t need to flash that card but if you truly love your child and the mom says ha why do you need the phone honey, somebody like my D would probably turn around and say love you mom and not being disrespectful but please give the phone to Dad lemme talk to him he will understand.</p>
<p>OP - In your post your said your daughter wanted banking info to set up a Paypal acct, but wouldn’t tell you what she was buying. I am wondering if your kid feels you interrogate her rather than having a conversation with her. You may have gotten into the habit because of her past history. </p>
<p>D1 calls me whenever she wants to chat with someone, it would be from having a fight with gf/BF to hating a class or prof. One time when I was very busy, I asked her why she didn’t talk to her best friend about it. She said it was because I just listened and she knew it wouldn’t be spread all over the place. I try not to “judge” D1 whenever she tells something, she knows the conversation won’t end up in a fight.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t have asked your daughter about why she needed a Paypal or what she was buying unless she volunteered the information. I also agree with few posters suggestion in sending some home information(pets, siblings…) and telling her about what you are doing - maybe you ran into an old friend/teacher from high school, movies you have seen, friends you had dinners with…Conversation which didn’t make your daughter feel like she needed to give up personal info unwillingly would probably make her more comfortable. When she tells you something you don’t quite approve of, and she is safe, then just take a deep breath and don’t lecture. I do find with my kids, when I interrogate, they retreat. </p>
<p>I am not challenging your parenting skill/style, just trying to give you a different point of view.</p>
<p>I agree with oldfort that the point is more to know they’re alive and well than to be involved in their day to day lives. As far as contact goes, I haven’t experienced this problem with a college kid but started the “training” when my kids first started using cell phones and going away for overnights/weekends/camps. To me, it’s simply a matter of respect for one’s parent and an acknowledgement of the love and concern they have for you. I simply explained to mine that MY peace of mind depended on getting a brief response from them and that ignoring my text/call for a lengthy period would lead their mom’s crazy imagination to all sorts of gruesome scenarios. They always have the option to reply later in the day if they are involved in something at the moment, or to call earlier than arranged if they know they were going to be unavailable but I expect a reply by 10 pm so that I can relax and go to sleep. I rarely initiated contact once they left for college but they will still pick up or text almost immediately if I do, and are in the habit of checking in almost daily, even if it’s just a quick “love u” message. </p>
<p>Imo, parents deserve a certain level of respect from their offspring and sometimes that message needs to be reinforced. Find a quiet moment during homecoming and let her know how it makes you feel to wait and worry. I’d start with just the basic need for “proof of life” and let her take the lead on divulging other stuff.</p>
<p>“every time she would say ‘Can’t talk Ma’ for a variety of reasons 'am out with friends or am in the library or going down to do laundry or friends in the room or Club meeting mom i am running late '”</p>
<p>But this isn’t what the OP is talking about. Being busy and saying “Can’t talk now” is perfectly polite, and actually conveys important information (she’s well and she’s busy). Ignoring all messages for weeks on end is rude and conveys no information at all, except disrespect. If the OP’s daughter started doing this, it would be a big improvement.</p>
<p>"Thanks for any feedback … Even if you have no advice but are in the same boat – that’ll at least make me feel like it’s not just me! " </p>
<p>That is what the OP said and I was just sharing my experience to make her feel better. And also it happens to all of us, the degree varies. But I understand what you are saying too. Also her D has picked up a job ,makes her more busy and tired and cranky than mine. I think D will call her eventually she is still figuring out stuff. And I totally empathise with the OP worried about the whole thing.</p>
<p>Sundays—we asked our kid to at least call once a week on Sundays. Other than homework, there isn’t an excuse not to call home on Sundays. The rest of the week we get texts, mainly about food, money, etc. </p>
<p>This said, stay on top of this. As you know, the teen brain isn’t done restructuring until about 25 and freshman year can be very stressful. If you have the slightest concern about cutting, etc., have your daughter go to student health services asap. You are a long way from her (6.5 hr)—consider requiring that she see a therapist there, even just for a semester. Colleges now have much better resources for the kids who need help (to accommodate the increasing need). Stay on it!</p>
<p>I’m past this stage now, but I have a kid who isn’t great at keeping in touch. When said kid went to college, I made my expectation of a once a week phone call clear. It could be on Sat., Sunday or Monday, but if I hadn’t heard by late Monday night, I’d be worried. </p>
<p>A couple of times this “deadline” came and went. I sent an email which had as the subject Click reply… The message was…“so I’ll know you’re alive.” Usually, that would prompt a phone call. At worst I’d get “alive…busy.will call Wed.” </p>
<p>It at least stopped me from worrying.</p>
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<p>I love this!</p>
<p>Just wanted to update that I had a nice chat with dd on Saturday … She sounded much more like herself … said she’d finally gotten enough sleep. She had a busy day of laundry, cleaning and shopping ahead of her … and while I was still disappointed to hear that she’s not really making friends and not doing anything social outside of her computer - at least she sounded good.</p>
<p>I, like many posters have, have instituted the “1 call per week” expectation with my S. And by and large he has lived up to it. Yes with a nudge here and there, but he’s been in touch.</p>
<p>Maybe it was on CC on a different thread, but I read something I thought was quite effective. I’m keeping it in the back of my “go to” mental file folder if needed (which it hasnt been.)</p>
<p>I assume you are paying cell phone bill. ( I certainly am.) After 3 weeks of not hearing from a kid despite the general “1 call per week” rule, a parent posted that they cancelled the kids’ phone.</p>
<p>Suddenly yes–they hear from the kid squawking up a storm. Parent sweetly responds “well since I had not heard from you in three weeks, I assumed your phone had been stolen.”</p>
<p>Apparently they never had that issue again.</p>