<p>my daughter is a college freshman and from what I can tell is doing very well socially, and from what she will share academically doing fine. my question is she is not keeping in touch with me and i feel like that is sort of selfish on her part. because my sister, parents, and i have been sending her money and whatever else she asks for and then we do not even get a thanks or reply.
i am living alone for the first time so i am very lonely without her, trying to decide if i am the selfish one?
does anyone out there also miss their child? or i am the only lonely mom ?
i recently moved and do not know anyone so i realize this is part of it. i just am very alone and i had a great relationship with my child.
do i just need to get over myself?</p>
<p>it’s natural to think like that. it does seem a bit ungrateful to not say a thank you but kids that age tend to forget their common courtesies.</p>
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<p>Maybe a little bit. She should definitely have the manners to call and say thank you or at least that whatever sent was received, but I was kind of in your shoes last year, but with a son. Finally, I just stopped sending him stuff. We had a “sunday proof of life” rule, which he mostly endured and followed thru on.</p>
<p>I think they are just so busy getting their bearings, part of you should understand deep down that no news is good news. At least she’s not calling kvetching, but as for the every day touch stone moment? Forget about it. Same with texts. Give her a little space (while still suggesting at least one regular phone call a week. Do not make her feel guilty for your being lonely. Truth is, I think when kids leave for college they think the same way they did in elementary school concerning their teachers: We remain frozen in time just as they left us. Go and do something - out to dinner with coworkers, join a gym or just something so you have something to bring to the table during your next conversation. </p>
<p>Yep, it’s a transition for everyone. Selfish? Not sure that’s the word I’d use, but I do get it and that it’s not easy.</p>
<p>PS… this year my son has called several times just walking to or from a class. Frankly, he feels more comfortable in his own shoes this year and life just “is” instead of just beginning.</p>
<p>It IS a hard transition! My son is not calling much. One thing that has worked for us, though, is to get Skype. We haven’t used the video calling part of it much. What I like to do is leave the Skype message screen open on my computer, and I think he does the same. That way, we can send each other brief messages and the other person is alerted right away. We’ve had some great “conversations” this way - he seems more comfortable doing this than calling. I also like it that I can tell when he’s online and available! It has made me feel SO much better.</p>
<p>You have to remember that the students are VERY busy, most likely. They are responsible for themselves for the first time! Even though my son has always been a strong student, he’s finding the work load to be pretty intense.</p>
<p>This must be a very difficult time for you. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask her to call you every few days to check in. My daughter likes to call when she’s walking. You might want to suggest that. I also think it’s fine to remind her to say “thank you.” Hopefully, she is just very excited and busy in her new life.</p>
<p>I know it’s going to be hard, but you need to try to keep busy and connect with people in your new area. Join a gym, a church or synagogue, volunteer. It’s not selfish to be lonely, it’s normal to be lonely at this stage. Try to be happy that your daughter is doing well. This will be a tough transition.</p>
<p>Be sure you have made it easy for her to be in touch with you. Technology has made it much easier, but some parents have some catching up to do. Not every kid would anyway, but here are some of the things I have done:</p>
<ul>
<li><p>D is on a cell phone plan that has free “in calling” within our family plan, so she does not burn any extra minutes to talk to me.</p></li>
<li><p>She has been fine with being Facebook friends with me, and we often use the online chat function if we are online at the same time.</p></li>
<li><p>Ask her what online chat programs she uses, and see if you can set up an id on your end to chat with her.</p></li>
<li><p>If you don’t text on your cell phone, consider adding it. I don’t because I hear plenty from D without it, but many parents on this forum have said their kids are much more likely to text with them than call them.</p></li>
</ul>
<p>That said, I would also remind your D that it is not polite to not thank (via SOME format) anyone who sends her money or packages while she is at school. Basic good manners – part of a parent’s job is to teach them to our kids, and remind 'em if we see that they are forgetting them. Even when they are at college.</p>
<p>It sounds like there are two separate issues here. If your daughter is not acknowledging gifts or cash, I’d suggest family members stop sending them. Why reinforce bad behavior? After all, we’re not talking Emily Post or snail mail, a quick text or email would be enough.</p>
<p>Secondly, I know how hard it is when a son or daughter doesn’t keep in touch. I have one like that. He has gotten better over time-oddly he too calls most often when walking to or from campus. (Our conversations are punctuated by swooshy wind sounds.) I suggest patience with your daughter and finding activities to keep busy in your new locale. My daughter went back to college before I went back to (school)work and I missed her less the busier I became this fall.</p>
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<p>I will second this. Many kids use texting as their primary means of communication when not face to face. My husband hates it but it really is the best way to communicate with son. He will sometimes call if he wants or needs something (and once in a great while to share some good news) but on a daily basis, we tend to text back and forth. Some days it’s only a line or two of text - other days, it’s a whole conversation. Hubby is finally going to break down and get a phone with a decent texting keyboard.</p>
<p>I agree with the wise previous posters.</p>
<p>My first is now off at college and so I can relate to your feelings.</p>
<p>I’d encourage you to nudge her to provide sincere thank you notes to those who take the time and effort to send her money and other stuff. this IS an important life lesson and one that can really set her apart in her work/college experience if she begins to consistently do it. </p>
<p>When she was in high school, I got my D some note cards with her college emblam on it. Added a pen, some stamps, etc so that it is really easy to send thank you notes. She has received so much positive feedback from the handwritten thank you notes, that she now sees the importance.</p>
<p>I’d encourage family to stop sending stuff if they don’t at least get a phone call or note to acknowledge gifts within a reasonable period of time. Agree w PP who said you don’t want to reinforce bad behavior.</p>
<p>I also agree about skype–we do use the video chat once per week. Its great. As a mom, being able to see her face and know that things are fine really helps set my mind at ease. D calls when walking between classes too. Make sure you tell her how much you enjoy hearing about her day and how much you like the calls. Texting is also a great way to communicate. Often the kids cannot call but they do send a quick note and will commit to calling a bit later.</p>
<p>Hang in there!</p>
<p>Try texting.</p>
<p>i talk to my mom once a day. sometimes she calls me, sometimes i call her. a lot of my friends talk to their parents daily too. but i think the majority only talk to their parents about once a week or seldomly. i dont think you have an issue here.</p>
<p>We had few brief texts from D after she left, but after about 5 or 6 days I texted her and told her that we need to speak by phone about once a week. How I have been handling it is by texting her every 5 or 6 days and asking her to schedule a time in the next day or so when we can have a phone conversation. This way I don’t risk calling her when she is in the middle of something (and therefore not get her full attention because she already occupied). Also, by texting her ahead of time, I am giving her some control about when the conversation will occur - it becomes something she knows she needs to schedule and fit into her day. After the about the second call, I told her that the next time we spoke, I’d like to do it by Skype so to please set it up before the next call. Apparently, her roommate and other kids on her floor use Skype, and she had seen that many kids use it, so she was amenable. We’ve had 2 good Skype chats now (one a week).</p>
<p>After a month of all this, she actually (for the first time!) called without me texting her to set it up! Every kid is different about how much contac they want to have. My D is the kind to get so involved with what she is doing and her new friends that we will be the last ones to hear from her. But, I (nicely, I hope) made is clear that she is still part of our family and as a result, must keep in touch.</p>
<p>I hope you can work out something with your D soon.</p>
<p>OP- I totally get the way you are feeling. </p>
<p>About the selfish- yes she is being selfish not to say thank you.</p>
<p>About your feelings: I was feeling the same last night. I have been calling my son too often because of how much I miss him. So what happens is I catch him on his way to something, either social or school related, and he is in a hurry and I keep feeling like we are having little pieces of conversations an they arent very satisfying. Last night I called him, he had a long tired day, and was headed to the studio to spend the night working, so he was kind of grouchy and the conversation was short. So I spent most of today mad and thinking how selfish he was. Long story short, he called this evening, mostly because he saw he had missed a call from me, and we had a great conversation. I didnt say any of the things I was thinking because I didnt want to ruin the mood. I think you should lay it on the line with your daughter, tell her how much you miss her and what pleasure you get from hearing from her, and ask her to call you every couple of days.</p>
<p>You are raising two issues: contacting you or not, and expressing appreciation for other’s generosity.</p>
<p>My policy:</p>
<p>(1) how often my S1 contacts me: I leave it entirely up to him. I always believed that I would interact with him as much or as little as it is comfortable for him. I would like any contact to be “his” initiative - something he does with glad heart and genuine interest. As is, he contacts us very frequently, so that’s good. I believe S2, who will be a class of 2015, won’t be so communicative. From him, I may be lucky to get a single line text once a week, at most. It’s just the way he is. I will also abide by my rule with S2. I believe in the long run, it should be their initiative, not us hounding them. Of course, if there is a cause for concern, I will take very proactive initiative. I am talking about non-emergency, daily routine kind of communication.</p>
<p>(2) not showing appreciation for other people’s good will and generosity. In my family, this is a capital crime (O.K. a bit of exaggeration, but not much). I believe it’s extremely important for young people to learn how NOT to take other people’s good will for granted, and it includes good will/generosity from the family members also. </p>
<p>Over many years of professional life, I learned that young people who understand early on how to show appreciation for other’s guidance, good will, and generosity are the kind of people who will rise up and succeed, other things being equal. </p>
<p>I have always played a role of a career mentor for young people in my profession. I never invest in people who don’t know how to appreciate what was given to them selflessly and freely out of good will. The reason is, my reward is to see these young people succeed, and THEN, take care of the next generation of promising young people. If they don’t know how to appreciate the gift they got, they won’t know how to bestow similar gifts to the next generation of deserving young people. </p>
<p>My S1, a sophomore in college, is already collecting quite a circle of supporters in his field, and I believe his “attitude” is a very big part of this. He makes sure that everybody - alumni, school career counselors, upper class men at his dorm, faculty, etc - who helped him in any way knows how much he appreciates it. This creates a virtuous cycle. (he also never forgets to send us “thank you” email/text/call every time we do something for him)</p>
<p>Just my two cents. This may or may not be other people’s philosophy.</p>
<p>I think it’s important not to make her feel guilty about not calling you as often as you would like. I would also be careful about about letting her know how lonely you are. You don’t want to burden her or make her feel responsible for your happiness. Your biggest gift to her now is let her be free to explore her new environment and opportunities. If you are that close, she will call and contact you when she is ready. </p>
<p>I also felt very out of sort after D1 left for college. It does get better. She gets upset with me now because I don’t always have time to talk to her now.</p>
<p>this is hard! i’m close with my son and i miss him! trying not to text too much so that he can settle in. i appreciate modadunn’s comment… letting the kid settle in. i guess we can look at it this way: if they aren’t keeping in touch as often as we’d like, it’s because they feel secure enough in our love to know that we’ll still be there once they get a handle on their new life in college. right now, they need time to adjust (just like we do). i’m practicing patience. </p>
<p>and yes, she is being somewhat rude by not thanking people who send her stuff.</p>
<p>We miss them more than they miss us. </p>
<p>I think there are two reasons for this. One is the special nature of the parent-child relationship. The other is the fact that their departure leaves a hole in our homes and families; but for them, there is no parallel situation. They never had their families at college and don’t expect them there.</p>
<p>A reminder about the need to acknowledge gifts seems in order. This is basic courtesy, and you don’t want your college student to forget about that. But most college students are very much caught up in their college lives, and they may resent what they feel are excessive demands for contact with their families.</p>
<p>Your daughter is being rude about not acknowledging a care package or money. We had that issue – once. Then, I told my son – you do not let me know you received it, well, that’s the last thing you get. It’s amazing how I got a call or an e-mail after that promise.</p>