First time writing an SAT essay! Please grade!

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Hi! This is the first time I've written an SAT essay since the 7th grade, so I expect it to be horrible. I plan to make a list and learn about possible topics, etc . . I also didn't look at the essay-writing tips when I wrote this essay. I just wanted to give it a try. Any feedback is welcome. Thanks in advance! So here goes . . .</p>

<p>Assignment: What motivates people to change? </p>

<p>Essay:</p>

<pre><code>Every decision a person makes is based on their past experiences and their current circumstances. Sometimes, the choice one makes is to change, whether it be their actions, their personalities, or their beliefs.
</code></pre>

<p>Necessity is a frequent catalyst for change. The recent recession in the United States drained people’s bank accounts and drastically increased unemployment. It was a result of long-held habits of overspending and foolish investing. Many people have found themselves without a steady source of income or with savings, such as those for retirement, completely gone. As a result, these people must change their spending habits to reflect their financial situation, such as by forgoing vacations or making food at home instead of going to a restaurant. Also, banks have changed the way they operate, and are now more cautious. They are careful about whom they give loans to, and make sure that these people will be able to pay the loans back.
For a similar reason, high school students often change their study habits from middle school, or as they enter higher grades. Techniques that had worked before often do not work in more difficult classes. Students have to learn and apply time management, organization, and study skills. Without these, As a student grows older, harder classes make it necessary for one to change their study habits.
Something else which can lead to change is a sudden realization. My uncle, previously a voracious carnivore, once visited the meatpacking sector in a busy city. He saw the cages where numerous animals were kept, the mechanical way in which they were fed and cleaned, and how they were butchered. There he was aghast when he realized how horrible the animals were treated, in sometimes inhumane circumstances, to provide meat to millions of people. The incident had such a great impact on him that from that day onwards he became a strict vegetarian.
The encompassing reason why people change is a shift in environment. When people are put in a new situation, be that low finances, difficult classes, or a meat factory, this impacts their perception of themselves, their world, and their actions, and this change in environment leads to a change in themselves.</p>

<p>Question I have:</p>

<p>1) Is it too short?</p>

<p>2) Would it be better to make the 'student' example about me?</p>

<p>3) Can I use the example about my uncle? Is it relevant?</p>

<p>4) How formal should the essay be? Can I use 'I, we, you", contractions?</p>

2

<p>I was reading some stuff on CC and wondering if these are good ideas for this prompt.</p>

<ul>
<li>Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. People are forced/led by society to change their ideas.</li>
<li>A Catcher in the Rye. Holden changed his mind and decided that children should be allowed to make mistakes because that is necessary to grow up. (Last scene, Phoebe on the carousel)</li>
<li>Henry IV of France changed religions because that would help calm the political atmosphere in Paris</li>
</ul>

3

<p>BUMP 10char</p>

4

<p>Please help!</p>

<p>And please read my second post as well</p>

5

<p>8/12. But possibly a 9 with a little luck.</p>

<p>1) Is it too short?</p>

<p>No.</p>

<p>2) Would it be better to make the ‘student’ example about me?</p>

<p>No. </p>

<p>3) Can I use the example about my uncle? Is it relevant?</p>

<p>It’s fine.</p>

<p>4) How formal should the essay be? Can I use 'I, we, you", contractions? </p>

<p>No.</p>

<p>Most of this essay’s problems lie in the grammar. “or as they enter higher grades” -> or previous grade levels. “They are careful about whom they give loans to” who. “the mechanical way … and how they were butchered” -> cleaned, fed, and butchered? The savage way they were butchered? “how horrible the animals were treated” horribly. “When people are put … this impacts their perception” their perception is impacted. And so on and so forth</p>

6

<p>I would give this a 10/12, good critical thinking, perfect usage of vocabulary. What you need to improve on is maybe emphasizing the reason for why people change, like emphasize the enviorment more.</p>

7

<p>This is a fantastic essay: a clearly stated thesis is supported with persuasive and insightful evidence.</p>

<p>Your ability to seamlessly add detail and contemporary relevance to your examples separates this response from most others.</p>

<p>The only fault I find in this essay is the minimal variation of sentence structure; at times it reads too mechanically. Your essay is probably an 11/12 for this minor deficiency. (I’d be awarding a 6/6.)</p>

<p>With regards to your second post: I do not advise memorising examples to regurgitate in an essay. SAT markers are used to reading vaguely recounted historical and literary examples over and over, don’t bore them with more of the same! I actually found your essay’s contemporary relevance an important indicator of strong critical thinking.</p>

8

<p>(9-10)/12
–Your conclusion states new information and new inferences. Conclusions should never have any thing new but rather sum up what has ALREADY been said.
–Create a new paragraph for your school example
–Since you are at a 10, maybe 9 right now, i would suggest you use more complex sentences and use more adjectives. Also, i think your at a stage where you CAN add more expression to your essay by adding “difficult” vocabulary and more of your personal voice (without saying I).
Heres an example:
"There he was aghast when he realized how horrible the animals were treated, in sometimes inhumane circumstances, to provide meat to millions of people. "</p>

<p>A better version:
There he was. Aghast when he realized how unjustifiably horrible the animals were treated in those inhumane circumstances, only to provide meat to millions of voracious people. </p>

<p>in case you don’t know - voracious people = people who are always hungry</p>

<p>^no way this is essay is above a 10, let alone a solid 10</p>

9

<p>hey!!
your essay is realy good and is absolutely not short.the student example you wrote is absolutely fine.and the uncle’s example is probably the best so switch the first example with the uncle’s one because as soon as the examiner will read it,he will get interested in your essay.</p>

10

<p>^agreed 10char</p>

11

<p><a href=“9-10”>quote=salzahrah</a>/12
–Your conclusion states new information and new inferences. Conclusions should never have any thing new but rather sum up what has ALREADY been said.
–Create a new paragraph for your school example
–Since you are at a 10, maybe 9 right now, i would suggest you use more complex sentences and use more adjectives. Also, i think your at a stage where you CAN add more expression to your essay by adding “difficult” vocabulary and more of your personal voice (without saying I).
Heres an example:
"There he was aghast when he realized how horrible the animals were treated, in sometimes inhumane circumstances, to provide meat to millions of people. "</p>

<p>A better version:
There he was. Aghast when he realized how unjustifiably horrible the animals were treated in those inhumane circumstances, only to provide meat to millions of voracious people.</p>

<p>in case you don’t know - voracious people = people who are always hungry</p>

<p>^no way this is essay is above a 10, let alone a solid 10

[/quote]
</p>

<p>SAT markers are instructed to award what is done well, not to penalise what isn’t done.</p>

<ol>
<li>The conclusion doesn’t introduce any new information, even if it did it would be a smart ploy to persuade the marker even further. Your point in invalid.</li>
<li>Are you blind? Are you even reading OP’s essay? You will notice the new line (though no line-break) for each new paragraph if you look closer. Your point is invalid.</li>
<li>You are not meant to edit style or voice, and even then your style borders on overly-floral and better suited for creative writing than the SAT essay.</li>
</ol>

<p>The amount of tall-poppy syndrome in this forum is ridiculous.</p>

12

<p>–"The encompassing reason why people change is a shift in environment. " that was never said earlier in the passage. So yes he is including new information. Okay if you knew how to write an essay number one rule is not to include new information in your conclusion. </p>

<p>–last time i checked the school part and the recession part were in one paragraph. And no i am not blind.</p>

<p>–you said “you are not meant to edit style or voice” who told you that? Your just pulling **** out of your ass mr. “the-amount-of-tall poppy syndrome in this forum is ridiculous”
–and stop saying “your point is invalid” like you accomplished making my points seem like *<strong><em>. I didn’t see you write anything positive about the essay so stop *</em></strong>*in at me.</p>

<p>–I was trying to help the OP and if he thinks my points are **** then id rather hear it from him. Im not getting paid to do this. I was trying to help so stop making it seem like im some ****** bag guy…*<em>**in hate hardass wana-bes like you who think ur so *</em>*in smart.</p>

13

<p>^U mad bro.</p>

<p>Though “a shift in environment” is never explicitly stated throughout the essay, it is a logical continuation from “necessity” and changes in circumstances as the OP wrote in his essay. You also failed to note the subtle persuasion this change in vocabulary will have on the SAT marker.</p>

<p>

Please note the asterisks, OP pressed enter here to signify a new paragraph. Perhaps you are not blind, but your eyesight certainly is not sound.</p>

<p>Further my argument about your eyesight, please review my post and note the bolded areas where I expressed in positive language, the good points in OP’s essay:

</p>

<p>Lastly, I apologise for pointing out the flaws in your argument. I did not mean to hurt your e-*****; I just wanted the OP to know which points he should be ignoring.</p>

14

<p>Thank you for all the advice! This essay is apparently much better than I thought it was.</p>

<p>To improve:</p>

<ul>
<li>Vary sentence structure/vocabulary</li>
<li>Improve grammar</li>
<li>Make it sound less mechanical. I agree that this essay seems stilted in comparison to other essays I have written. </li>
<li>Make sure I don’t introduce new information in the conclusion. Make that very clear.</li>
</ul>