First Year Reflections....

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
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<p>My DS15 entered his dorm on Aug 31st. We both cried in the car on our way there. He is a very independent kid, went to summer camp and never wanted to come home type. But this time it was different… </p>

<p>It was his idea to go to BS, he got into his first choice, he knows what the school is about from attending summer programs there. But still it was a shock for him. Not everyone, because we all know that at every school there are kids that you wonder how much their parents donated for them to be accepted… But most other kids seem so much together – especially since they had been there a year already.
He felt behind at everything, including things like remembering weekend roll call times which differ from weekdays, etc. </p>

<p>Week2, I got a call from him saying “Mom, I am falling apart.” I tried to be supportive yet still firm about instructions to get organized – set aside time to make lists, stop worrying and do what you can, then see how you can improve, etc. A few days later, he said “I’m better but still unstable.” He went to do a presentation but got so nervous, he didn’t say half of what he had planned… Became down again. </p>

<p>By Week3, he had gotten marks back from small quizzes and assignments in almost every class and he did pretty well. Still room for improvements but he began to figure out how much work he needs to do. Dorm routines, and his school has very strict rules, were becoming more familiar and thus less stressful. </p>

<p>A full month later, his anxiety has subsided though he still feels overwhelmed by everything he has to do “independently” now. Things like getting in contact with my brother to pick him up to visit my mom for a long weekend, I used to do that stuff for him. </p>

<p>He does love the comradery of dorm life and has made great friends. He has committed several minor infractions: swearing, laughing with friends during roll call, etc, so he’s not on the best term with his lead house parent who even looks like a cop. His sub-house parent is great and there is another house parent on a different floor he likes as well. </p>

<p>He actually enjoys the school work, though he hasn’t really established any rapport with teachers. I hear some kids raving about their BS teachers but my son never really opens up to teachers – his loss. </p>

<p>He is not athletic enough to make it on any of the competitive sports teams but loves the 6:45am basketball training and being able to play pick up after dinner with the non team guys. He hasn’t really had time, energy or the organization to do an intensive club like theatre – and he loved the drama program here in the summers… He wants to take part in many of the great volunteer opportunities the school offers but again, he is just not up to it right now. </p>

<p>The problem is entering BS in grade 10 is that while he is older and more mature than he was a year ago (and had no interest in applying himself at an elite BS), he may not be able to fully take advantage of all the great extra curricular opportunities the school offers. We were aware of this. By January, maybe he can dip his toes in more activities. </p>

<p>In grade 10, college choices, SAT/ACT prep, etc really creeps up on you. DS15 hasn’t really decided what he wants to do. He is in the competition math class and enjoys it. He thinks about engineering and computer programming… but he’s met kids here twice as passionate. He went to the investment club at lunch and found it intriguing. I actually think finances or economics maybe more suitable for him… By the end of this year, he has to figure out if he is going to do AP sciences next year… (His school does not allow grade 10 to take AP) </p>

<p>So yes, the first few weeks were rough for both of us. But through it all, I never regretted our decision. I had to keep praying he will straighten his course and he’s doing okay now. I don’t expect smooth sailing. It never is with him. But I feel we have both become stronger after surviving his first month at BS. </p>

<p>BS is a commitment to let your child grow, become more independent, learn by making mistakes and suffering the consequences, missing out on opportunities. (Yes, I am the parent who made sure my kids got into the “best” extra curricular programs even if it meant driving across town…) </p>

<p>Now at BS, he is becoming who he really is, thorns and all. At home, so much of what he did and accomplished was frankly, because I placed him and prepped him in situations where he could excel. At BS, if he does excel at things after three years, it’s 100% him. And we both needed to know what that is. </p>

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<p>Really nice, even-handed post, @Disneymama. I think many who lurk here think all BS kids are supernatural beings, who all hit the ground running perhaps because we tend to post the positive all the time, me included. It’s really nice to read a description like this that shows a child who has some insecurities but perseveres and is starting to branch out. Your post indicates that your child is finding his way and increasing in self-confidence. Your story is much, much, much more the norm than the overall picture I think many take away from reading this board.</p>

<p>ALL kids have insecurities. All. All kids have to find their way. All kids will run into things at BS that challenge their self-confidence and stretch the limits of their comfort zones. For some, it will be in the classroom; for some, on the athletic field; for some, in the dining hall; for some, everywhere. Teenagers are very unformed human beings, and BS is going to chisel all of them. Count on it, and know that you will watch your precious kids go through some hardships that are just as tough for you to watch as for them to endure. BS is not about getting to “easy.” It’s about getting to the finish line more fully-formed than at the start. Our son is a senior and just told us this week when we asked how it’s going, “I’m waiting for Choate to get fun.” We can easily point to many times when he was clearly having fun, but I understand what he means. He saying that it never let’s up, he can never cruise and, even as a senior, Choate is still chipping away at him. That’s a good thing.</p>

<p>I think PhotoMom started this thread to get some real conversations going, like you’ve shared, so that other new parents are not sitting in front of screens worried about how well their new student is doing, how s/he compares to all the wunderkind. Listen, they are all having issues, they are all finding their way. It’s not easy and it takes time. Congratulations to you for letting go and allowing them to go through this. It’s going to be all right. You’ll see. Keep reading.</p>

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<p>I have insecurities. :)</p>

<p>Ok. Yup. Have a good night, everybody!</p>

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<p>Excellent post @ChoatieMom and so true.</p>

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<p>It seems timely and relevant to bring up the first Parents Weekend. I really think that boarding school students have a love/hate relationship with Parents Weekend. OK, maybe I’m exagerrating the “love” side of it. For new students, this is the first time that all the “fines”, “goods”, and “oks” you hear on the phone are open to parental scrutiny, AND the first time that the other kids, their teachers, their coaches, and their advisors are going to be exposed to those bizarre beings from another planet that are their parents. Do not expect your kid to be joyous and glad to see you! Expect a lot of eyerolls and grunts! Unless they do something totally egregious, give them a pass and enjoy the chance to be on campus and meet anyone you have a chance to meet, and don’t be bummed out by their attitude. Soon you will have them home for vacation and you will start to see the plus side of having a boarding school kid. </p>

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<p>+1 to Friendlymom… my child was not exactly thrilled to see us. I mean, she loves us and misses us, but certainly didn’t want anyone to know she had parents… LOL Remember, this is the chance we parents have to see what’s truly what at school. The kids have been “on their own” for 6-8 weeks now and are getting used to being in charge of themselves… I would advise you not to take it personally (something I confess I did), and just be as unobstrusive as possible while at the same time getting to know teachers/coaches/friends/houseparents etc… </p>

<p>This is also a great time to meet other parents. Introduce yourself and start to build relationships…it is harder because you are usually not around, but you may also find you meet local parents who will take your kid under their wings and look out for them. </p>

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<p>So glad that FriendlyMom brought this up. </p>

<p>I think the statute of limitations has expired and I can confess that our first PW at SAS was pretty rough. I’m sure the fact that we had brought my in-laws along helped add to my daughter’s anxiety…(not a critique of my in-laws, mind you — just that the number relatives descending on 7D1 was higher than most).</p>

<p>Also, I definitely went in naively expecting her to be all “joyous and glad” to see us and of course was disappointed and that ratcheted up the tension.</p>

<p>Definitely heed FriendlyMom’s advice to “give them a pass and enjoy the chance to be on campus and meet anyone you have a chance to meet, and don’t be bummed out by their attitude.”</p>

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<p>This is good to hear… I was considering this scenario… now we will count on hanging back… especially since lots of grandparents are descending as well. </p>

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<p>on the Second Year Reflections thread, you will note the comments about how improved this situation gets, vis-a-vis tension and rolled eyeballs, in succeeding years . . . another reason not to take first year too personally</p>

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<p>Seconding Charger78’s post above…it does get better! I think that 7D1 was pretty psyched to have all 4 grandparents come and visit the past 2 Grandparents Days as well as Spring Arts Weeknd (sort of like as second Parents Weekend at SAS).</p>

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<p>As a first-timer, I have a question for the vets regarding child’s advisor: Should we expect to receive any uninitiated updates from advisor via email, etc or do you take the “no news is good news” approach? We found it odd that the advisor hasn’t contacted us at all to this point, not even a quick “… is doing great, seems happy” short email. Is this normal or are we overreacting? Should we bring it up during parents weekend conference? I don’t want to come off as causing a fuss or anything. It’s just that you hear all these promises about all the adults watching out for your child and how great the communication is between school and parent and then to not hearing anything from your child’s advisor, especially as a freshman during the first month just seems odd to us…are we crazy? Thanks!</p>

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<p>No, you’re not crazy. I think you should feel free to call the advisor or send a “checking in” note asking for an update/opportunity to get acquainted. Our experience has been one uninitiated call before PW and contact only as required after that.</p>

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<p>thanks choatieMom…i appreciate the reply</p>

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<p>^^^ Agree with ChoatieMom. That had been the norm in our experience too; with the addition that advisors write home two more times after PW. Then, this year, both kids got new advisors and we’ve noticed a stepped up amount of communication. So I think it all goes to show that these people are different – the school’s own policies, or instructions to advisors, may be different (but why wouldn’t every school insist on first contact, etc.??) – and that kids should seriously consider the option of choosing someone else that they think will be a better fit than who’s in hand/assigned first year. </p>

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<p>ChoatieKid has had a different advisor assigned every year. I think some schools match kids with a single advisor for their entire time at the school. That is not Choate’s policy.</p>

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<p>Don’t be shy about contacting the advisor if they don’t contact you. A lot of parents seem unfamiliar with the protocols and hesitant to reach out. Don’t be! They’re a great resource.</p>

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<p>After about three weeks, we’ve received a long emailing about two pages long showing the advisor really got to know the kid. In about a week we got another long email from the dorm parent detailing dorm life. Then communication even went up, this time not so good. Three emails from dean. In this case no news is good news. :wink: We are trying to solve a problem. And we scheduled meeting with the advisor during PW. Perhaps you can email the advisor to schedule a short meeting with the advisor during PW. </p>

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<p>Thank god for email, is all I have to say. I’m fairly sure that when I was in boarding school, my parents never once spoke to my advisor other than meeting him briefly at the one PW they were able to attend. I don’t think that in a million years it ever would have occurred to them that they could just call him and ask how things were going, absent there being some big problem. But with email, it feels so much less intrusive. I’m very cognizant of that fact that my son’s advisor has a lot of different responsibilities (teacher, coach, advisor, and his own family). And that his daily schedule has a pretty different rhythm to it than mine does. But being able to shoot off a quick email saying “hey, I just wanted to check in and see if there are any issues we should be aware of when we talk to SoxKid, or that we should know about before coming to PW” is great. And then the advisor’s not put on the spot of having to know the answer at that precise moment, and can respond when it’s convenient for him So you shouldn’t hesitate at all to send an email before PW. And the occasional check in after that is fine too – you’ll get a sense of what makes you feel at least moderately comfortable vs. feels like you might not be letting your kid be independent.</p>

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<p>After about 3 weeks, we decided to email DS’ advisor to check in and see how he was doing. We got an immediate response that they were waiting for teachers to give student updates to advisors at the end of the week and that the advisor would let us know as soon as he heard. The advisor also reiterated the “no news is good news” motto to us.</p>

<p>Three days later we received an email update from DS’ advisor saying he had heard back from the teachers and that DS was doing well in his classes (high 80’s/low 90’s) and that he seemed to have adjusted to life at BS. We were happy and relieved to hear this news as his last 2 years at the LPS were less than encouraging. That was the main reason we decided to look at BS as an option for DS.</p>

<p>Keeping our fingers crossed that the good news will continue!</p>

<p>So definitely contact advisor if you are feeling in the dark!</p>

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<p>Some more reflections…</p>

<p>We are back from our first family weekend at Mercersburg - we went home last night because of our pets - and I can’t even begin to express how happy I am that my son found his way there. As in the song,"'tis a gift to come down where you ought to be." How much our perspective has changed from the day he told us that he wanted to go to boarding school! We’ve gone from thinking it was a horrible thing for parents to “send their children away,” to thinking this is the best thing that could have happened to him. </p>

<p>With our daughter a freshman in a large public high school, I’m acutely aware of the differences between the two types of school, and Mercersburg in particular seems like a little Shangri-La of education. My husband and I at first wondered if it could possibly be as good as it seemed; now that we know it is, we wonder how it got to be this way. Something in the water? :slight_smile: So, perhaps the most interesting thing for me this weekend was the head of school’s “State of the School” discussion, which provided a little bit of insight into how educational paradise comes about.</p>

<p>It turns out that it is very intentional. In essence, he said Mercersburg has a student-centered culture, everything they do is in an effort to do what is truly best for the students, and they are constantly planning ways to make it better. And he meant it and backed it up with details. (Another piece of the equation, I think, is that the adults in charge seem intelligent, happy, and remarkably sane for people who have chosen to spend their lives among teenagers.) :-)</p>

<p>In other words, all is well…but I still felt so empty going home without him. :-(</p>

<p>And our daughter interviewed again while we were there. It went very well, and if she is lucky she may be able to join her brother there next year.</p>