Hoping this thread is OK - but I feel it would be helpful for the new students and parents who are preparing for BS. Now that your decisions have been made, I am hoping that we can add some perspective and advice. Why? Because the next several months will be exciting, but also filled with some anxiety, second-guessing, and doubting. Also, we don’t want you to make the same mistakes (if any) or experience the same “agita” that we did.
I will throw the first log onto the fire…prepare for the roller coaster of emotions that your student (and you and your partner) may experience along this new journey. Prepare for levels of exuberance followed (sometimes an hour later, or less) of dejection or homesickness. Prepare yourself, also, for drop-off and start networking your support system. Prepare yourself for the first few weeks of schools - and how you may best support your student to become independent, confident, and resilient through this transition ?.
Seems silly, but as soon as you know your child is committed to attending XYZ, find out when Family Weekend is and make hotel reservations. We waited too long last year, and all of the nearby hotels were booked.
I wish we had prepared our kids better to be self advocates. Talked thorough what to do if they were not comfortable with roommate issues, or what to do if they didn’t understand a subject in a class. Helped them to understand that these type of things are normal and it is ok to be uncomfortable with discussions. But, you need to have them. Also that it was ok to get a B as long as you tried your best and reached out for help.
Things I wish parents had told me: it goes really fast. I’m sure they did, but I wasn’t able to comprehend it. The days are long, but the years are short.
Everyone talks about the community, the relationships, bonds, and the lifelong friends you’ll make. It’s all there, but it doesn’t happen by itself overnight. It can be harder than expected at first, and the social adjustment can take weeks or months, or even longer. Don’t be afraid to talk with a teacher, advisor, perfect, teammate, or older student of you’re feeling down or lost. There are mentors all around.
Parents, yes, as @vegas1 says, it’s a whirlwind. When your child isn’t home, the time flies by even faster. It can make your head spin. Take advantage of any opportunities there are to get involved with the school and attend events on campus if you can, and enjoy the ride.
Find out (and don’t be afraid to ask) how and when you should be involved as a parent and what the expectations are. Most BS are set up to disintermediate parents-- to level the playing field, to make kids independent, to teach them to advocate for themselves, to strengthen community by relying on local sources. You won’t need to be involved a lot of the time (and shouldn’t be) but you also need to know what you need to know! You aren’t done parenting yet!
If a lot of your time has been involved with your child’s activities, be prepared to feel a little left out in your own community. Other parents will be buzzing about the new high school experience or the travel team and you, well, won’t connect over that. That can make your kid’s absence harder.
Agree with everything above. Time flies!
Oh, and even though it’s early for this, I recommend setting a regular time to talk every week. It’ll be a series of more representative snapshots than if you are getting calls only when your kid is lonely, freaked out about a test or roommate, etc.
And lastly, make sure you continue to convey confidence in their ability to thrive at BS. They may have moments of doubt or worry over the summer, and they shouldnt feel your validation of those!
Just to “second” what @gardenstategirl wrote (above), being so far away from kiddo and not being able to be at sporting events has been harder than we thought. We watch the Live Streaming and see the parents cheering on the field (sometimes with their dogs in tow). Try to make a network of parents who are able to get to the school or to sporting events. We have had the opportunity to be at sporting events to support other kids when they are closer to home and/or near friends up north. So making a network of support and other parents to be there has helped…it’s really nice when parents make an effort and invite the kids without parents at games (or far away) to go out for a post-game pizza. We have signed up for snacks even far from home. We have sent Insomnia Cookies to the teams to show support or “congrats” - point is that we are so appreciative of the parents who are able to be present and make our kids feel connected from so far from home.
And it isn’t just sporting events; it’s also recitals, performances, art nights, etc. If you live close enough, see if you can volunteer to help set up a cast party or post-performance snacks. It takes a bit more time to establish those parent relationships but it can be done. Try to go to parent association meetings, which we have found to align with move in dates. If you have an outgoing personality and your kid okays it, you can contact parents of your kid’s friends and arrange a meet up after drop-off or on a date when you are in town. It is awkward at first but can help make those parent networks.
@carpoolingma when our older kids went to PEA they had a parent meet up on move in day after drop off. It was organized by parents. It was so nice to socialize and meet other parents. This was done in a local restaurant. The school was nice enough to announce it to the incoming parents. Not sure if it still exists-but I bet many schools would be open to a parent arranging these type events. It was off campus - which was ideal.
Have a conversation about money and budgeting well before you go. There are some students who spend a lot of money each week, and some who spend almost none, and it’s better to help your kid have an idea of what you think is reasonable. In addition to obvious expenses like books, computer, and basic school supplies, they may also want to plan to purchase dorm gear, team gear, eating off-campus or ordering delivery, off-campus trips to the local mall or closest city, ordering from Amazon, etc. Some schools allow students to charge items to their account, but it generally doesn’t include these extras. Our son gets a modest monthly allowance, and has learned the lesson that if you spend it all in the first week, the next three weeks are tough…
Sexual boundaries: what is appropriate and not appropriate. Both in terms of other students and adults. My son entered boarding school in 2014 right after many of the sexual scandals hit the news. We had a long sit down talk and explained this. He was well prepared. Definitely better to have this talk ahead of time.
@sgopal2 - there was an article in the Huffington Post yesterday by Allison Lirish Dean @ Putney School in the 1980’s. Her discussion about “sexual currency” on campus is an interesting topic. To your point, we read the 2016 book by Vanity Fair’s Graydon Carter “Schools for Scandal” during our road trip to interview at BS’s. We discussed, as a family, the various legal cases, hypothetical situations and the actual events that have become headlines featuring several schools.
Buying too many clothes - all wasted.