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I would have been dismayed if any of my kids had made a college decision with the intent of following a HS romantic partner at the expense of their own interests and aspirations. /quote
But, @blossom , you’re putting the rabbit into the hat. For one, “their own interests and aspirations” clearly include continuing and deepening a relationship with that specific person. That’s a pretty common “interest” or “aspiration” for an adult to have, and as we all acknowledge at a certain point we expect our kids – as we did – to make decisions and, yes, sacrifices based on that particular aspiration. Also, you are assuming that there’s some measurable “cost” to other interests and aspirations they may have in going to college with the boy/girlfriend vs. some other college. On what do you base that? Maybe sometimes it’s true, but lots of the time, it really isn’t.
The more obvious cost is likely to the parents’ aspirations for their child. But even those (to the extent they are rational) are not necessarily harmed by the college difference.
Daughter of friends went to UVA to follow the HS BF instead of to Harvard. (and UVA cost more than Harvard for this particular family due to OOS UVA vs. generous aid at Harvard.) Relationship lasted until Xmas; Harvard accepted her as a sophomore transfer with the same aid package as the previous year.
UVA is a fantastic college but I sure wouldn’t be paying MORE for my adolescent to follow her “one and only” there if the choice was a “better” (is Harvard better? who knows, but it certainly isn’t worse than UVA if you are OOS) cheaper option.
YMMV.
I don’t know what exactly we are arguing about- if the relationship works out- then great. If the kids end up having a fantastic college experience- great. It’s all good. I wouldn’t have paid more for UVA if this were my kid but fortunately it was not.
I think we can all agree that it is a best practice for our kids to follow their aspirations, wherever that may be, with or without a bf/gf, as long as it doesn’t cost anyone more $$$ or headache/heartache, lol.
@blossom I have to agree and no knock to @Mom2aphysicsgeek ds - but 7 years is nothing. My first marriage hit the total rocks after almost 25 years and 3 kids and I will be the first to admit I should have known better, we were too young when we got together and sadly we didn’t really ‘grow’ together. I guess some would say over 20 years was a success, but honestly it wasn’t. In hindsight as a more mature person I readily admit that putting that relationship first did not always change my younger life for the better. For one, I am not sure I remembered to think about my own interests and aspirations outside being with him - which was a pretty immature attitude. THAT is the crux of the issue, most 18 year olds are too enamored with the other to know the mistake they are making.
How can anybody be certain about anything. I know cases where HS sweethearts went to college together on purpose and they are still happily married 35-40 years later. I know cases where it didn’t work out. My wife and I both took a little off of our career to stay together. No brainer as far as I’m concerned. I think we each put the others aspirations first.
I think the important message to leave kids is that life involves risk. Just because something isn’t likely to have a positive outcome doesn’t mean two committed people can’t make it have a positive outcome. I think it’s important to take calculated risks in life. If it turns out to be a mistake, so what? I just don’t think we can generalize and say “Always pursue your own aspirations”, or “18 year olds don’t know enough”. I think the right answer for parents to give their children is “Give it a lot of thought and use your best judgement, we’ll support whatever decision you make”.
I will just note that I haven’t seen many cases in which the boy sacrifices his college choice to follow the girl. That alone tells me that such a decision must be examined closely.
My son just started his freshman year of college. His good friends have been dating about a year - they are in love!!! Despite them going to school 8 hours apart - they are going to make it work! Until the girl’s first weekend of college. Then she decided if they were really in love, she didn’t need to spend her whole freshman year worrying about facetiming her boyfriend.
I, on the other hand, transferred to my boyfriend’s college when I was 19 - some 30 years ago. In the end, it all worked out - I’ve been married to his roommate for 21 years come Nov 1! : )
@Hunt anecdotally, DD2018’s bf just started his freshman year at a local university…he had several choices: out of state and in-state, but further from home. He is living at home and commuting. I am not going to say it is entirely because of DD2018, but it was definitely a big part of his decision. In this instance all of the schools were pretty similar academically, so I’m not sure that one would have been better than another. But, I can name a couple more instances where a boy transferred back home after a semester to be near the “trailing” gf, so it does happen. In my case, of the situations I am aware of, it is pretty equally split boys/girls “following”.
Wouldn’t it really only be an issue if the student chose a significantly worse fit college (academic suitability, affordability, etc.) than his/her other options mainly to follow an SO?
If the student wanted to attend the same college as the SO, and that college was also one of the better fits (when disregarding the SO), would parents have any objection?
I don’t think that automatically has to make it an “optimize your professional/economic/status-seeking” trajectory. I am making the quaint point that education is not just that. And I think that’s not a point you would disagree with. But plenty on the site would.
@tucsonmom that depends on how much influence and distraction the students significant other has over the student. My dd plays lacrosse for example and there are some boyfriends that would bristle because of that commitment and want her to be with them – or some may impede the making of other friends, doing other activities that they might otherwise do – there are many factors.