<p>I would also discuss with your wife an appropriate consequence for your son if he purposely sabotages this next college visit. Tell your son ahead of time what the consequence will be, and be prepared to enforce if he doesn’t show his best self to the Coach.</p>
<p>Maybe your son can’t be “threatened” by the loss of college scholarship, since it is not in his current reality. Parents have to search for something that WILL motivate your child…loss of driving privileges, cell phone, video games, something that is near and dear to his heart.</p>
<p>You are right. There is no room for her at these visits. The school will likely have a specific program for your son and will have arrangements made for meetings, food, accommodations etc. The peopel he is meeting will think less of him if he can’t even go on a school visit without his gf. There is no room for her on the trip unless she goes independently, makes her own arrangements etc… Your S has an amazing opportunity in front of him and he shouldn’t want to blow it. </p>
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I would also discuss with your wife an appropriate consequence for your son if he purposely sabotages this next college visit. Tell your son ahead of time what the consequence will be, and be prepared to enforce if he doesn’t show his best self to the Coach.</p>
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<p>this may be your best advice. If you provide car/gas/etc for his enjoyment on a daily/near-daily basis, that would stop. Cell phone? that would stop. (hey, his GF can’t contact him!!! lol) I would be prepared to “go up the ladder” of negative consequences if this nonsense didn’t stop. …and I would get his fanny to a therapist pronto.</p>
<p>What’s sad here is that this kid is willing to throw away his future for what is obviously a doomed relationship. He already sounds sick of her if he’s only taking her because she makes life difficult for him otherwise. This is good news, sort of. </p>
<p>You may be able to help him by not putting him in the position of having to defend the GF. Right now, he’s spending a lot of mental energy defending her, but if you back off a little, he may begin to see how she isn’t good for him. Don’t pay for her to go with him, but don’t say one word if she goes along on a visit. Don’t take away privileges, because he hasn’t done anything wrong. He’s just stupid about a girl, and he’s certainly not the first person to act like this!</p>
<p>Let the coaches deal with this. They’ve seen it before, I’m sure. He’s only a junior in high school, so they know a lot can happen in a year. If he’s still playing well next fall, that’s what they’ll remember (not the sulky junior year visit) and I’m betting the GF will be gone.</p>
<p>So I will be blunt…this is ridiculous! I’m sorry but there is more than one pair to be grown here! They are 16!! Say no! It is not appropriate, will be frowned upon, and could result in no offer. Doesn’t she have school? For goodness sake, offer to send them to Disneyland when it’s all over and he has an offer in hand. Let your son put all the blame on you- tell him absolutely not, he can tell her you said no and if she wants to take it up with you so be it. Kids this age have no life experience but you do, dad. Please take the lead and put your foot down.
Maybe the best result would be for him to have to put up with all her crap when he returns and her making his life miserable…this might be what it takes for him to rid himself of this distraction.</p>
<p>I like sdgal2’s idea of having your son put the blame on you for the decision. It keeps son from catching the grief from GF. And having son tell GF to “take it up with my dad” hopefully would deflect any griping and nagging.</p>
<p>If your son is willing to sabotage his future that’s really nobody’s fault but his own. Does he have a job? If not, I’d make him get one and require him to start paying his way. Even if he refuses to attend college unless someone else pays he’ll still have to pay for rent, cell phone, clothes, car expenses, dating, and whatever else he wants. I would cut off everything but the necessities and make him pay for the rest. I wouldn’t mention the girlfriend at all (ever, actually, unless he brought her up and then only to ask how he feels and what he’d like to do about whatever he’s complaining about). I’d also make it clear that college tours are family only (I wouldn’t give a reason and it wouldn’t be up for discussion either) and that he needs to make an honest effort or he can pay his own way. What he chooses to pay his own way for (college or the lifestyle a minimum wage job provides) will be up to him. It’s unfortunate, but you can’t make him take advantage of opportunities. What you can do, maybe, is make him see what life could be like if he doesn’t. Good luck.</p>
<p>What happens when your son commits to a D1 school and then GF can’t go, either because she doesn’t have the academics for it or the parents won’t pay? Has this been discussed? I don’t generally believe in dictating to a HS kid that will soon be a legal adult, but in this situation I would put my foot down. My way or the highway.</p>
<p>Even if you do take her she may not be happy. The focus will be on him and she will almost certainly be unhappy to be ignored. Not familiar with the coaching visits, but this happened to us on a regular college visit when D persuaded me to bring along boyfriend. The head of honors program and scholarship people etc. gushed over her in meetings while paying him no mind. He started sulking so she had to worry and pay more attention to him than to the school and how she liked it, couldn’t focus on her surrounds. </p>
<p>He had his own room, but though he assured me he was able to rouse himself mornings, he was not, and it took some beating on door to get him going, had to rush breakfast and almost be late to appts. .And the closeness of quarters in hotel/car were very uncomfortable for me. Too many hours of stupid teen convo for me, when I could have been having a good and rare one-on-one with D about future plans.</p>
<p>Since she had some things scheduled that he couldn’t be part of- music classes and meetings, I scheduled him some class visits during that time in his area of interest, which required soe serious coordination of time and place on the big campus.</p>
<p>Ok first of all let me tell you that there is only a need for one pair to be grown lol. I couldn’t have agreed with you and powercropper more. I have in fact take this very route. I have told him to tell her to blame me for everything. Hell I do t care if she does, his mother and I don’t like her anyway. Whether she blames us or not, she takes it out on him. That’s the problem with her. Yes she is a poison to him. At least what he is telling me is he has no problem with her not going he just doesn’t want to put up with her crap that he will end up doing ( we do tell him that that is the root of the whole problem). I totally agree with you about letting him out up with it and see the light; problem is that in the meantime we are out the time and expense if doing this where he will go and not necessarily act out and make an ass out of himself; but he would withdraw and probably appear less than interested. Either way if I’m a coach, he’s out. This is all predicated if he would even go on the trip. Just last week he made it impossible for us to even go on the trip. So if that school was going to be the only one who put an offer on the table next year. He screwed himself. Would you give an offer to someone who blew you off? Oh I tried calling and emailing to smooth it over with a BS story but I would imagine that is the last we will hear from them. My whole goal here is to have him avoid sabotaging his entire future because he will either sabotage it before the visit like last week or sulk at the visit if we do go through with it. That’s money we would be throwing away if we go and he acts like that and I can see him doing it. So in summation, I have put my foot down, I have attempted to show him that there are limitations to the visit and I want him to have the opportunity and make the most of it before he screws his life up over her. Ideas! Ideas! Ideas! That’s what I’m in need of. At least ones that I haven’t already tried. Thank you. I do agree with you. Don’t get me wrong. I’m just trying to find the solution that get him what he has worked for with the least amount of self destruction because of her and yes I’ve tried that angle with him as well lol</p>
<p>Putting aside all questions of appropriateness, morality, what implied lessons you will teach him, etc. – although thay are very important – it’s a truly terrible idea, if only due to the probably impact it will have on the football coaches who will evaluate your son. I’d respectfully suggest there is a very strong possibility that the coaching staffs will learn about his “accompanying girlfriend” (should it happen), rapidly and correctly make a “he’s likely a LOT more trouble than he’s worth” assessment, and that will conclude his opportunities at those colleges and universities. </p>
<p>All this over a game which (especially at the D1 level) may result in scrambled eggs for a brain when he’s an old man. Or is it about money? Maybe the girlfriend is doing him a favor.</p>
<p>The problem you are trying to solve is not “How to bring GF” but “How to get your son out of an abusive/unhealthy relationship”</p>
<p>I would talk to his HS Coach and mention that he has turned down visits because of girlfriend.
I would also talk to his GC about the same thing.<br>
I would also call her parents and say that she is insisting on going on his visits and that is not going to happen so please deal with her.
I might even have him talk to a therapist about how to let this girl go.</p>
<p>The problem is your son does not have the skills to deal with this abusive (yes) GF. He is just keeping the peace because that is the easiest thing for him and he is not taking into account his future at this point.</p>
<p>Ask him what he would say to a friend who didn’t go to a football trip because of his GF.</p>
<p>My DD had a BF that was jealous when she went on Band Trips…it took a while, but she eventually realized they were no good together. We told her that, the GC told her that, her friends told her that…</p>
<p>At this point tell him to tell her to back off…she cannot come on visits, and if he does not go, he won’t get a scholarship. If she is interested in his well being, she cannot do that.</p>
<p>First of all is this what he wants? Is the recruiting his idea or yours? Does he want to go to college and play football for himself or family legacy? If it’s his idea, then explain to him that these visits are a one shot deal. His future depends on it. If his girlfriend cannot be supportive of him and understand that she can’t go, then she is not a good girlfriend. She acts like a spoiled brat. She is worried that he’ll cheat on her when he is on a recruiting trip with parents? And why does he put up with it? There must be something he likes about her to put up with it. Anyways I would enlist her parents to help. Explain how important recruiting is to your son’s future and that the gf would be a distraction and not well received by the recruiting schools. Ask if they can make sure she doesn’t contact him while there. Sooner or later if he goes away he will have to deal with their relationship, if she is not supportive of a visit, she won’t be supportive of him going away to college. So he will have to decide what’s more important to him, a toxic relationship or college and football. </p>
<p>OP, I feel your pain. What matters to your son right now? What privilege would he hate to lose the most? What loss of privilege would motivate him to treat the college visit appropriately and act maturely?</p>
<p>I once let a friend hide her son’s car at my house for several months. The son was not obeying house rules, was disrespecting his parents, and they stood tough against his rebellion. Not easy decision for the parents, but it sure helped speed up the son’s learning curve.</p>
<p>“She is worried that he’ll cheat on her when he is on a recruiting trip with parents? And why does he put up with it? There must be something he likes about her to put up with it.” - @mommdc </p>
<p>It sounds pretty obvious to me… His interest in her is the same thing that the GF is afraid some other girl can easily give him which would happen during him cheating on her. If I had to guess, I would think the football player is popular and she likes being seen with him. They both are gaining something out of it and both know they aren’t really a match. </p>
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This is all predicated if he would even go on the trip. Just last week he made it impossible for us to even go on the trip. So if that school was going to be the only one who put an offer on the table next year. He screwed himself.
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<p>I am thinking…the GF doesn’t want him to get a football scholarship. She wants him to blow his chances. She knows that she won’t be going to the same school, so she wants to sabotage the whole thing. She’s already seen that her powers influenced him to blow-off a school last week…she’s not done.</p>
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<p>She’s not interested in his well-being…she’s interested in having him always be with her. So, she either doesn’t want him to get a scholarship…or she has some sick plan to get married so he’ll have to take her with him to college. (there are married players…they are often given apts or similar to live in).</p>
<p>You need to make it MORE difficult for your son to ignore YOUR wishes over HER wishes.</p>
<p>This scenario is so inconceivable to me that I probably shouldn’t comment. My sons try to keep their romances as secret from me as possible. I have to rely on inferences from Facebook. I can’t imagine the possibility of including a girlfriend in a recruited campus visit ever being entertained. He can assure her that he will not commit to any college without inviting her to visit for an accepted students’ event. Would that help? It would imply that he expects to remain involved with her, while explaining that the coaches and admissions officers are only interested in meeting him and having a girlfriend in tow might hinder his prospects. I don’t know what your socioeconomic background is, but you sound educated. Is the girlfriend from different circumstances? Most middle-class girls would want to hitch their wagons to a boy with as bright a future as possible, but a girl whose own family does not emphasize education might have a different perspective. </p>
<p>Although it is probably too late, this situation is one of those times in life when you, as a parent, just say,“No”. </p>
<p>You know it is inappropriate to bring a girl friend on an official visit.</p>
<p>No discussion, no talk about growing a pair, no analyzing motives, no playing into passive aggressive teenage games. </p>
<p>And no discussion about the girl friend.</p>
<p>Son: “I’d like to bring Bertha on this official visit.”
You: “No.”
Son: “Well, then I’m not going.”
You: “OK. That’s fine. What’s your back-up plan after high school?”</p>