Hi, new to this and looking for sage advice. My son is a junior. His serious girlfriend is a senior. We like he a lot. She will be graduating this year and attending an in-state college.
Here is the problem. My son has received many accolades for football and many D1 coaches are talking to him. He wants to play in college and coaches are reaching out. At least 20 schools have expressed interest, but no offers yet. Lately, his interest for all these schools has died down because he and girlfriend have decided that he’s following her to college! I’m not even sure what to say. There is no contact from the coach at this school, but moreso, it’s just not a good idea for them to commit at such a young age. College is meant to discover yourself and neither of them understand this. I’d also hate for him to give up his football dream only to be broken up with this girl while attending the same college.
I’ve tried calm discussions not involving the girlfriend (financial end, time of discovery, playing the sport you love, learning about yourself) and he just yells and gets upset.
I’m so stuck and extremely nervous that this college opportunity will be limited to 1 college. He does not see reality.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
For me this would be a lesser of two evils situation. IMO it’s limiting for a college aged person to follow a significant other for college. But as a parent if that meant my kid would avoid having his brain damaged by playing football, then I’d support following the girlfriend any day.
Well, the good news is that she is a year ahead of him and a lot can change by the time he is making a decision. It can be a “distance makes the heart grow fonder” thing or an “out of sight out of mind” thing. It seems like he is super emotional about her graduating and moving on. All you can really do it advise him that he has only one opportunity to play football in college.That opportunity isn’t coming back around and would he regret it at 30 if he let the chance pass him by? Also, you need to remind him (as I am sure you have) that he needs to keep his options open and follow his path, not hers. Does he even like the school she is attending? Can he get in? What if she wants to transfer after freshman year? Spin it around and ask if she would be willing to transfer for him? The bottom line is if it was meant to be, she’ll be there after 4 years (the reality is that she won’t be, regardless of what school he attends). It’s very hard to reason with a 16-17 year old, but you’ve got time. The first step is to keep him focused on football camps etc this summer. If you can get a little distance between them, it wouldn’t hurt. Independence would be something to encourage. Even if he eventually opts out of football, it’s best if he is paving his own way and not following hers.
@Mama2222 I assume Publisher asked that question because some positions are more likely to involve head-on collisions than others. It’s a very serious concern.
Yes, that is why I asked about your son’s football position.
If your son does decide to continue playing football in college, then he might want to consider the Ivy League, the Patriot League or a Division II team as the players tend to be slower & smaller, therefore reducing risk of concussion.
Ultimately it’s his choice. If he has no interest in going pro, then there’s not much reason to play in college unless there’s scholarship money involved. Now if it would be a hardship to be full-pay at your instate vs him getting a full ride football scholarship, that’s certainly a valid topic for conversation.
If that’s the case, you should take the emotion out of it and just tell him how much you’re able/willing to pay. If he loves his GF enough to take out loans vs attending a different college debt-free, that’s his decision.
In my experience, sometimes these GF/BF situations are used as a cover for a kid who doesn’t want to discuss the actual reasoning with parents or outsiders.
What if your son has decided he doesn’t want to play football in college? How can he disappoint his parents, his current coach, his teammates, his friends, all of whom are (likely) heavily invested in him as a player? He gets so many accolades, so much emotional support, his entire identity really- wrapped up in him as an athlete.
But he’s done (or thinks he might be done).
So easy solution- follow the GF, football off the table, two birds/one stone/avoids the entire “why no more football” discussion.
If it were me- I’d tell him that whatever decisions he makes about life, football, college, significant others, etc. we will support once we are convinced that he’s moving ahead in a rational manner. And that if he’s thought this through- we support it. BUT- fathering a child before he’s completed his education- not on the table- he needs to make sure of that. Following the GF without thinking through “will I be happy at this college if the relationship doesn’t last”- not on the table, he’s got to figure out if the college has enough to offer him even if he and the GF split up over the summer. Etc.
But if this is his way of telling you that he’s done with his sport, I’d respect it and stop arguing.
Are there appropriate schools nearby? Would he agree to visit them as a compromise? Would he agree to look at all his options, including schools that are not near gf’s school?
The biggest danger I see in all this is that he could be a victim of the dreaded Turkey Drop, then he’ll have committed to a college where he may keep running into his ex, an ex for whom he’s given up schools to which he’s better suited. Of course you can’t tell him that because I’m sure (as my junior daughter with a bf she wants to follow to college is convinced) he believes they’re cut out for the long term. Then again, maybe they are.
What we’re doing is looking at all options but focussing on schools within the same area of the country as bf’s school. Our situation is a bit different because she’s not a recruited athlete so she has more time to make a decision, but I wonder if he allowed himself to stay open to visits if he might fall in love with a nearby school where he could still play.
My advice would be to try to frame this as a cooperative process. Don’t tell him he can’t apply to gf’s school but ask him to look at other schools “just in case he doesn’t get in or gf decides to transfer.”
Yes thank you. We are well aware of those leagues and injuries in general. Husband played football on a D1 scholarship and we keep up with all the information and technology regarding helmets, collision percentages, etc.
He can attend football camps during the summer. This may help reveal whether or not it is his decision to quit football after high school. Additionally, college visits during the summer & next year might also affect his thoughts about football. Finally, his girlfriend may find other interests during her first year at college while your son is still in high school.
@Mama2222 is he saying he is done with football? If he’s lost the passion, then I agree that I would let it go. It didn’t sound like that from what you wrote.
Have him keep his options open. Tell him to enjoy the recruiting process, visit some schools and keep an open mind. If he decides at the end to follow her, fine, but there is no reasons to burned any bridges.
Also, you’ll see that D1 football recruiting can take on a life of it’s own. Once school A shows interest, school B becomes interested. Once school B becomes interested, school C thinks they need to check out the prospect. If he keeps his enrollment open, by next year the in-state school may be interested, if not enough to offered a scholarship, enough to offer a preferred walk-on status.
This is a tough and emotional time, but you and he will get through it.
