<p>Maybe you tell the girlfriend “no, she can’t go” instead of the son telling the girlfriend? I don’t know, but I think I would not find it difficult to tell one of my boys’ girlfriends “no” especially if you are going along with him. Maybe it’s a mom thing, but I honestly could tell the girl she’s not going. Why not try just telling her no. It sounds like she’s high maintenance anyway so your son’s going hear about it whether he tells her or you tell her. </p>
<p>Agree with above about just saying ‘no!’…could you get one of his high school coaches or another player who has been through the recruiting process to talk to him?<br>
This is a very unhealthy relationship. Best of luck to all of you.</p>
<p>I would just like to say if this girl is as manipulative with the OP’s son as it appears they might want to have a discussion about safe sex before they find themselves in a whole other mess that might derail his college plans. </p>
<p>Might this work? </p>
<p>Talk to the GF and appeal to her own self interest. In very strong words, tell her she is ****ing up his opportunities. Does she want to end up with a pro ball player or someone working at Mc Donalds? If she wants the former, she needs to get with the program. She needs to NOT attend these visits, because that is damaging HER potential future. She needs to enthusiastically support him going on these visits alone. He can’t be successful without her love and support. When he is rich and successful, they will live happily ever after. She can make this happen. Or she can destroy that future.</p>
<p>Do I think they are going to stay together? no. But you can work with that assumption till they break up.</p>
<p>good luck</p>
<p>buy this kid condoms, lots and lots</p>
<p>My S tells me that a bball player at his HS caught the GF putting pinholes in his condoms. Not in the act, but found the holes. Epiphany. End of relationship. </p>
<p>He should keep the condoms in his possession at all times. </p>
<p>This came up not long ago in the context of my warning S about needy girls who do crazy things like pretend to be on birth control, or forget pills on purpose, etc. He had more than one story like that for me. He now is aware that no matter what his intentions, if he gets a girl pregnant and she wants the baby, he’s on the hook for at least 18 years for child support. Mom’s health class for son. AO much different than for D.</p>
<p>Edited to add: True story. Not apocryphal.</p>
<p>I’ll throw in another vote for this being a manipulative, controlling and abusive relationship. However, it is hard to intervene with the son’s feelings- in fact, anyone’s feelings. What his parents can do is set their limits. Like the coach, I agree that to be successful, the son needs to want football/ college 100%. If he is willing to sabotage his opportunity, then he doesn’t want it enough.</p>
<p>Does he even want to play football in college? Yes, it is nice to have that scholarship but it is a huge commitment, one that some students don’t do well with considering the pressure and time of sports and academics combined. If the son is hesitant, then I would plan on him applying as a non-athlete, and discuss the finances of this- what you are able/willing to pay for and where to apply.
Then discuss the terms of this- how many semesters and how many chances he has to go to college. </p>
<p>This young man is tangled up with a selfish manipulative girl, however, he is enabling it. While the immediate payoff for him appeasing her is some peace from her making his life miserable, in the long run, every time he does this, he teaches her that her manipulations work, and she will continue to do this in situations where she wants to get her way. </p>
<p>Two things. My son has gone on official and unofficial visits. Most parents do not go on the official visits so I think OP is talking about unofficials in the junior year. We went with our son on 6 unofficial trips his junior year and we did not see one girlfriend!!! I feel sorry for the boy - he needs to get out of the relationship and I agree to make sure he is using birth control!!! </p>
<p>You called these unofficial visits. He can take 200 people with him on an unofficial visit if he wants, but still only 3 game tickets can be provided. If it is an official visit, usually the athlete stays with the team. If parents go along, usually they pay for their own lodging but there are still 3 game day tickets. You can buy another ticket (if available) but it might not be with the other tickets.</p>
<p>I’d stop arguing with him right now. He doesn’t want to go to overnight visits? That’s up to him and probably means he won’t be going to college on an athletic scholarship. I would call the girl friend’s parents and let them know that her actions and whining is keeping your son from going on recruiting visits, that she’s not included in the invitations (parents only), and that you know it is going to prevent your child from going to college. See what they say, especially when you say you are not covering the costs for her to go along.</p>
<p>Hopefully this relationship ends sometime this year. Otherwise you can pretty much guarantee it will end by Thanksgiving of his freshman year as most high school relationships end by turkey time. Was talking to a friend about her son’s head case relationship after the football game last week…she has him in tears all the time with her masterful manipulations! Young and dumb…
I guess I would point out the things she is doing to him so he at least might have some clarity from someone other than her.</p>
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<p>Would that make a difference? I think my concern is that the kid doesn’t seem particularly interested in deferring to his parents in any area regarding to this matter. If they can’t even get him to go to a college visit without her, how are they ever going to get him to listen to generalized criticism of their relationship? Even kids who AREN’T in dysfunctional relationships tend not to enjoy listening to their parents/friends criticize their partner. (Adults don’t particularly care for this either!)</p>
<p>Honestly, if this relationship is as abusive and dysfunctional as it sounds, I agree that there might be a need for counseling in general and not just in the context of a football scholarship. As the recruiting thing goes I really think that this has to be his decision; I don’t think you can force someone to win a scholarship or perform well in an interview if they themselves are ambivalent to that goal.(Heck, would there even be a guarantee even if he weren’t distracted??) </p>
<p>But I think counseling could really damage the parent’s relationship with him. If my parents had ever tried that on me I might not be speaking to them to this day…lol!!
I think I would call her parents and tell them that their spoiled, trashy 16 year old is not invited…of course I’d say it much nicer and hope for the best. For all we know she’s telling them that his parents invited her to go along on these visits.</p>
<p>I’m going with Dimitri here.</p>
<p>My children are now adults and we had a policy of not getting involved/interfering with romantic relationships. We were courteous to the significant other when we saw him/her, but that was the extent of our involvement. No communication with the GF’s parents, no weighing in on whether it was appropriate to go to a family event or not. If a kid wanted to bring the significant other to Aunt Eloise’s 90th birthday party, it was up to the kid to phone Aunt Sylvia and Uncle Barry and the other hosts to get the invitation (which meant mercifully- no SO’s attending these events.)</p>
<p>I think you all need to step back from the brink. You guys need to accept the fact that your son may torpedo his chances at one or more schools by bringing the GF. But the reality is- he can only attend one college. And there are SO many things that can go wrong-- it’s not like he’s a 100% sure bet at this stage of the game anyway. He could fall on a piece of ice shoveling the driveway in a month and break both legs or crack his knee cap and basically his recruiting chances go down the toilet while he heals, has surgery, PT, etc.</p>
<p>So take a deep breath and accept the fact that nothing is a sure bet in life. And if your son is wrapped up in a self-destructive relationship, better to give him the space to extricate himself rather than your current unsuccessful lobbying effort to get rid of the girl.</p>
<p>His coach (both the college coach and the HS coach) are the only folks with enough authority here to get through to your son. So if it were me- I’d sit my kid down, explain that it’s his life and his sports career and his scholarship and his college education. He needs to own it. And if the HS and college coach OK the GF’s attendance, then you will keep your mouth shut, and you hope they both have a fabulous time. But that you will not permit him to be duplicitous either at home or at the prospective college. No pretending that she’s not there. If he wants her there, he’ll need to be transparent and inform both coaches that she’s going. And if he doesn’t want her there, the coach can be the bad guy who says, “No GF’s”.</p>
<p>And then you really need to keep your mouth shut. There is a bigger lesson here than a toxic GF (believe me- she’ll be gone soon and you have no guarantees that the next one will be any better. you may miss her.) The lesson is that he needs to own his own choices in life. That means telling his HS coach (who has surely invested in him) that he’s taking the needy and toxic GF on the trip. And telling the host college that he’s showing up with a bodyguard.</p>
<p>Here is my idea for what it is worth.</p>
<p>Have your wife invite the girlfriend to go out to lunch and shopping. Preferably shopping first as a warm up activity and then lunch. The objective here is to be sweet and to give her a feeling that you are wanting to get to know her.</p>
<p>At the lunch, have a conversation that goes something like:</p>
<p>“So what do you think about S being recruited for football?”</p>
<p>Let her share her thoughts. It may be instructive.</p>
<p>If she says she is excited/supportive, then say something like</p>
<p>“He loves you so much that he really wants you to see the colleges with him on the visits. He has been asking us if you can join us.”</p>
<p>Let her respond. Get a sense for her enthusiasm for going. Assuming she is enthused.</p>
<p>“You know, we would love it if you could come too, but we are very concerned about what the coaches might think. Does this worry you at all? I know our Son seems willing to take his chances, but to be honest these schools are so expensive that without these scholarships we are concerned he won’t be able to attend. What would you think about coming on a visit later on in the process when he is deciding between a couple of offers?”</p>
<p>In all likelihood, she is going to want to please you. If she seems amenable, I would push onward with "maybe you could talk to S because I know he doesn’t want to be away from you, but it seems like you and I agree that the best thing would be for you to join him on a visit later. When his options are more clearly defined.</p>
<p>Is this manipulative? Yes. But by treating her like an adult, you may get a much more adult response. By acknowledging her importance in his life and showing acceptance of her, she is more likely to want to please you. </p>
<p>The fact that teens are totally willing to hurt themselves in order to exert control is the situation you need to find your way around. Sometimes a softer, gentler approach can be more effective.</p>
<p>If it doesn’t work, you are no worse off. You can still insist and force him and take away his privileges. And he will probably sabotage the visits. One on one with the girlfriend isn’t the only way, but I think it might be easiest. Ultimately, I think you want to persuade her that going isn’t a good idea. Basically you need to get her to realize it is in her interest not to go bc she wants to please you or be dating a football star.</p>
<p>Could you get his high school coach involved and ask him to give your son his advice?</p>
<p>I just don’t believe in letting it all play out, too much at stake here. My girlfriend tried that with her daughter who just graduated and wasn’t putting much effort into her future plans. My friend was hands off and said it was all on her daughter to figure out how to pay for the trade school she was thinking of attending. Well her daughter is now working a minimum wage job, drinking, smoking pot, getting lots of tattoos/piercings and hanging with a bad crowd. If her mom had offered some guidance I think she would be in a much better place right now.
My husband and I did step in and have a talk with our daughter about a guy she was seeing at school and she did end the relationship when she returned for the fall semester. This was more about serious religious differences that would be a huge problem if they ever married. I’m sure she didn’t like us stepping in but we have a good relationship and she truly does respect our opinions.
Hopefully gf doesn’t try to get herself pregnant and wreck your son’s future. I might even have a sit down with both her and your son and share some concerns. Only you can know what could possibly work out knowing their personalities.</p>
<p>mzrylandmom - really? this girl doesn’t care if he goes to college. In fact, she wants him to stay home, with her, forever.</p>
<p>Tell son the trip is for parents and son. That’s it. If he doesn’t want to go, don’t go.</p>
<p>Suggestion of talking to high school coaches is good.</p>
<p>Actually, we really have no idea what her perspective is. We have the son’s explanation (second hand) of why he feels she should come. Which may or may not have anything to do with the truth.</p>
<p>I don’t see any harm in talking to her. If it were as simple as the parents putting their foot down, I doubt the OP would be asking for ideas. Talking to her doesn’t stop the parents from taking any other advice that has been given either. But if everyone is aligned with the goal (maximizing the chance of a football scholarship), life would be a whole lot easier. I am merely suggesting that the girlfriend may have a goal of pleasing her boyfriend’s parents, and they could leverage it.</p>
<p>Or maybe their son is in love with a horrible human being. It happens. But I happen to think persuasion works better than coercion in the later teen years. Natural consequences are even better, but I wouldn’t be comfortable letting g those occur in this situation.</p>
<p>The OP asked for ideas. Obviously it is up to his family which ones he pursues. </p>
<p>What’ wrong, as a parent, of just saying no? I’m not big on the shopping spree, or the chat or the persuasion…really any of it. This is a parent/kid last hurrah and I would simply have no problem with taking the girl aside and telling her no she’s not going. Period. I’d go off on the college tours with my son and not feel one bit of guilt. Let the son deal with the maintenance because that is never going to go away. I don’t even call if manipulative…some women are simply high maintenance - and I’m certainly a female so can recognize it perhaps faster than a male. Some guys thrive on those types of relationships and some don’t. But THIS situation is about parents helping their son find a college. The girlfriend doesn’t need to tag along. </p>
<p>Agree there is nothing wrong with telling the girl no directly, except it sounded to me as though the son wasn’t just reluctant to tell her she couldn’t come, but was unwilling to cooperate with the process if she wasn’t included. Maybe I read more into the OP’s last comment where it sounded as though the son wouldn’t go on the most recent visit opportunity at all.</p>
<p>Also, I wasn’t suggesting buying the girlfriend anything while shopping . . .meant more spending time getting to know her and see if she could become more of an ally in the effort. </p>
<p>At any rate, I feel badly for the parents. It is a tough situation for sure. I just think some teens will not acquiesce, and pushing hard makes for more resistance. My kids are quite reasonable, but I totally was not as a teen. I was angry from a divorce situation, and my mother couldn’t make me do much of anything I didn’t want to do. She was never nice about her requests, so I basically never gave an inch. </p>
<p>Hopefully the OP’s son is easier. It doesn’t sound easy at all from the description. </p>