Foster care during empty nest years?

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Has anyone ever done foster care after their own kids have left the nest? Or thought about it?

Thinking about “Stage 2” (after leaving current job, someday!). Some ideas- starting with short-term respite foster care and/or temporary care until placements are found for kids. Also thinking about creating a place where kids who age out of foster care could live, get help with finding employment, etc.

Have a number of years to go before retirement but trying to explore how the future years might look in terms of helping others in a most impactful way.

Helping kids who haven’t had a fraction of the benefits and advantages my own have had…seems appealing in so many ways…

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Thought about it for 30 seconds and decided against it. I like my empty nest too much.

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itsgettingreal21 - interesting. I haven’t experienced a completely empty nest yet (youngest a rising college sophomore). So I don’t have the positive aspects of that to add to a decision-making calculation!

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I think it’s a great idea, particularly if you are still very energetic. I have to admit, I have briefly entertained this idea and then pivoted away when I have been realistic about how well I would handle late nights (illness, crisis, etc.)

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gardenstategal - yes, there are a lot of factors! That’s why I was thinking something short-term/intermittant (initially).

I’ve always seemed to gravitate toward the policy-making side of ‘making things better.’

Just thinking for next stage - maybe something more directly interpersonal and hands-on?

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How about starting with small steps? Are there local programs like big brother/ big sister, or other agencies that you can be a student mentor?

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kjofkw - that’s a great idea! I’ll look into that. Right now things are very full in life (time and energy-wise) but it makes sense to start in small, do-able steps to get a feel. Maybe at the end of next year I can consider something like that…

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Yes I have thought about it, especially for kids with a certain medical issue I am experienced in, but have enough on my hands with my own family.

I have a friend who went through the vetting and training,which was a lot.

How much do you know about Child Protection Services? Foster parents have to interact with the system, in ways that may be upsetting, and I have read that they may deal with (unfounded) neglect charges more often themselves. You could get attached and also it is hard to see the kids returned to parents if you feel they achieved some stability with you. But the end goal should be return to parents.

Will you know why the kids were taken from parents? Will you agree with this action? Do you feel Child Protective Services is benign?

One friend, a social worker herself, adopted two siblings. One ran away while living with her, resulting in a police search with helicopters. One later committed suicide. I am not saying you could not have a positive impact. But it was hard to watch this very idealistic family deal with these situations.

And their other kids suffered. A lot.

Someone has to do it. If your movitation is altruistic (and not for money provided) then you are way better as a prospective foster parent than many.

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Oh my, compmom - what a difficult situation for your friend. I know that the trauma of early life cannot easily be undone by providing a stable home and support. It’s not that easy.

And I have heard many a story about the overreach and sometimes discriminatory actions of various child protective services (although many good people work there). It’s all very complex (and, sad).

That being said…I’m thinking making some efforts to help may be better than none. I’d love to do a resource center for kids who’ve aged out and are at risk of homelessness and other dangers. I’m sure there are entities that address those issues now, will have to look into it…

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I have thought about it and I would do it but I don’t think H would be on board. I would prefer younger children like birth-8. (I’m not retired yet so this isn’t even a realistic thought even without H being on board).

I also know myself well enough to know I would have a VERY hard time with getting attached/letting go. Whether they go back with their parents or not.

I have spent most of my career helping/educating parents/children/families in the early childhood/health care setting and have worked with families who were generally less than stable. So the “system” is not new to me.

I would recommend a possible first step as becoming a CASA advocate/worker:

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abasket - interesting - you’ve been in a related field so have a lot of first-hand knowledge about all this.

My H is not initially on board either, lol. We’d have to see. He does like kids! I’m not retired or even very close to that yet either - just trying to think through and plan ahead.

CASA seems like a great organization. Interestingly, although my job is in the legal field now, I’m more drawn to the interpersonal aspects (taking care of babies in need, helping teens find their individual path).

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Mu daughter wants to adopt via this path. We have had a lot of discussions about this!

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I know two families who did foster to adopt. They both have open adoptions and see their birth siblings (not sure about the parents — I think they may be in jail or rehab). It has worked out well for them. One has a boy and a girl (not related by birth) and another has a little 4 yr old boy who is the spitting image of his adoptive dad and two biological older girls (one in high school, one in college). I think it has worked out really well for both foster families.

The second family with the older girls and the 4 yr old boy did do regular foster care before they adopted this little boy. At one point they had three little foster boys with them for about a year before the courts allowed them to go back to their parents or other relatives. They did get very attached, but I think they were ultimately okay with them going back to their relatives because it was a whole lot for them to handle with two biological kids in the house too who also had some special mental health issues.

Both moms are teachers, incidentally, and love being around kids. I think it is awesome. It’s not something I could do (I know my limits), but if you are interested I definitely recommend investigating. I think good foster parents are always in need.

Seems like there are a lot of drug issues surrounding foster kids (usu parents on drugs or selling drugs). Probably something to be aware of with older kids who have not been in a stable environment. I would guess that drug use is common in that population, too, so if you do that respite care for older kids figure out your plan beforehand if drugs enter the equation while they are staying with you.

You might also want to get involved in some of the organizations that provide things like clothes, toys, school supplies, backpacks, luggage, etc for foster kids who are often removed from the home abruptly. That might help you get a sideways look at the system before jumping in headfirst. This is one such organization. There are probably others near you: http://www.hopeinasuitcase.org

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My opinion would be to take baby steps towards fostering. After all, not only is your satisfaction in helping at stake but on the kids side, they need someone “all in” and on board with the entire process.

It’s much different of course then child care. You may be required to take kids to health care appts, visits with parents, legal appts etc. Sort of like parenting your own - there is good but there is also stress, hard times, tough decisions and not smooth sailing during the foster period. And sometimes the foster period ends and the child goes back to a situation that YOU feel is less than ok but my law it’s ok enough.

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compmom - good luck to your daughter!!

Sweetgum - good to hear how well the fostering worked out for the families you know. It’s got to be so challenging (yet rewarding). That’s encouraging.

And I love, love the idea of finding a local org to donate clothing, supplies to foster kids in need. That’s something very do-able that I could start right now! Thanks for that!

It goes along with abasket’s baby-steps idea. So many useful ideas in such a short time here!! Thank you!!

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We went through all the training, only to back out at the end. There were at least 60 couples in our classes, but half dropped out over the weeks. Almost all were relatives wanting to help out or couples who wanted to adopt an infant or younger child, so we were thinking we would be best with teenagers. At the last class, they brought in three teens who had been kicked out of several homes. They were currently living in group homes, ineligible for any family placements. After they admitted all the things they had done over the years, we just couldn’t do it.

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I am a CASA volunteer. It is rewarding, frustrating, fun, exhausting. I loved the family I worked with (my case just ended), the foster family, the extended family, but I didn’t like the court aspects (and I’m an attorney so thought that would be the easy part. NO). One social worker was really good, but he was the third one on the case. There were about 7 attorneys involved, and they drove me crazy. Quite a few therapists. Teachers, academic testers, changes in schools.

During covid times, it was very difficult just because there was no where to go with the children, school personnel were impossible to reach, things were extended longer than they should have been.

The foster family had adopted through the foster system. The mother was very experience, a nurse, and knew how to work with the education system. She did a LOT of driving to therapy appointments, visitations with bio parents, doctor appointments, school activities. She spent a lot of money (swim lessons, gymnastics, tutoring, travel, clothing, bikes) from her care payments. The foster kids received what her bio/adopted kids received.

I hope to do another case, but with only one or two children. I’m also going to do Americorps this school year, teaching math. There are lots of volunteer jobs working with kids that aren’t the full responsibility like foster care. My CASA group has a few different options, working with kids in court cases, but also tutoring, working with teens at risk of truancy, helping kids aging out of the system get settled in ‘adult’ life (kids can stay in foster care until age 23 in Colorado).

I encourage you to look into it. There is always a need for foster caretakers, at all levels of commitment (respite, full custody, one child of a sibling group, intake-short term)

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I understand, toledo. I’d thought about fostering while my own kids were younger but couldn’t take the risk. Now with an empty nest on the horizon thought it could be more of a possibility.

I’m wondering if with teens there can more of a mid-point - maybe you aren’t establishing a quasi-parental relationship and fully opening your home, but you can help them find housing, benefits, jobs. Those practical things in life are so essential and without those basics (even putting aside for a moment the absence of a ‘family’) the odds seem so low for them…

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twoinanddone- I didn’t know that CASA had more options than full-on legal representation (can’t do that right now). That’s really good to know!! It’s more along the mid-point concept I’d just mentioned (before I saw your post) - something short of full-time family commitment but still providing very-much-needed help. Thanks!!! And kudos to your for the work you are doing.

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We have friends who fostered 2 siblings a few years ago. They had the kids for about a year as I recall, though they never intended to adopt. It wasn’t easy, and it made life really hectic for a while (their own kids were around 10 and 12 at the time), but the foster kids (ages around 5 and 7) were very sweet. Mostly they needed someone kind and stable to care for them, help them break some unhealthy habits, help them with school work and get them involved in fun activities. The kids were adopted together by another family, and our friends still have the kids over every couple of months or so for sleepovers or weekends.

There’s also an organization called Safe Families for Children (https://safe-families.org/) that has chapters all over the country. The idea is that families (usually moms) voluntarily participate in the program when they’re facing a challenge – homelessness, addiction, job loss, incarceration – before the state intervenes. Host families develop a sort of mentoring relationship with the kids’ birth families. It’s faith-based (Christian), but you don’t have to be religious to participate. Host families decide the ages of the children you’re willing to care for, as well as the duration of the placement. You can even do respite care, when long-term host families need to be out of town, that sort of thing. It’s a toe in the water if you’re considering longer-term fostering. We registered as a host family, but H just never embraced the idea. Still, it’s a fantastic program.

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