Freshman D wants to transfer for boyfriend

Parents Forum
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<p>It is late September of her freshman year, four hours from home. She is adjusting. She may be wanting “out”, and closer to home, and to loved ones, for a mixture of reasons. Sometimes it helps just to know that you have the power to make changes in the future. It takes the pressure off, and makes it easier to adjust.</p>

<p>If I read this right, she doesn’t really even know for sure where he will be a year from now, because he’s a twelfth-grader right now. So she’s saying she’d like to transfer to the school that she believes he will be attending. Or, maybe, to any school that he ends up attending?</p>

<p>If this were my kid, I would expect her to finish the year where she is (unless there’s a whole lot wrong that we haven’t heard about). I would ask her to think, honestly, about how she would feel at “his” school if the relationship ended. I would not get into a tug-of-war over the possibility of a transfer application, but she would be on her own to look into it, and at any financial ramifications. I wouldn’t promise cooperation with the actual transfer, but would agree to wait and see, and tell her that we would need to talk about the details of curriculum articulation and the strengths of her intended program at the target school. If she did apply and get in, I would want to know the results of the transfer credit evaluation, and whether she would still be on the 8-semester plan. I would encourage her to play for time with both schools, in case she had a change of heart over the summer. I’m sure there are dollars at stake pretty early in the spring, though. She needs to understand that she might arrive on his campus in August for this long-awaited reunion and find him wanting to have the normal, unfettered, male freshman experience. And it would not be his fault. I would also want her to examine whether he was putting any pressure on her to transfer.</p>

<p>There are comments above, wondering how can a girl do this to herself, in this day and age? In her defense, I would note that people can thrive at a lot of schools. There is more to your education than your school’s exact position on the prestige totem pole. There is more to your life than school. Some people are happier, and do better, closer to loved ones. It’s not necessarily a step backward. But I think in most cases, it’s probably a mistake.</p>

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<p>I transferred to be with my BF at his school. We celebrated our 30th anniversary last year.</p>

<p>Just thought I’d add a different voice.</p>

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<p>

In what sense would you say it’s a mistake, fieldsports? You make the good point that people can thrive in more than one place and that some people do better or are happier closer to family. How is it a mistake for those self-same people to find the situation in which they do better?</p>

<p>What I’m wondering here is if there is some reason for the D and bf to be apart for, what? 4-5 years? Is what she’s gaining at the OOS school so over the top that it’s worth the struggle of a long-distance relationship for 5 years? IFIRC OP’s D was an undecided major?</p>

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<p>So the young man has no idea where he’s going, as he’s a senior and hasn’t even applied yet. Aren’t there schools that are “close enough,” like an hour or so away, where they would still be able to see each other on weekends? They don’t have to be right on top of each other in order to continue their relationship. (maybe poor choice of words.)
I would feel as you do, OP. I would wait until the boy is accepted to schools, see where they are, and see where things stand. If he doesn’t apply anywhere that is a reasonable distance from your daughter, I would wonder why. If he is as serious as she is, he will be looking at places where they could at least visit for a long weekend without too much difficulty.
Also, with Skype, texting, everyone with personal phones along with cheaper transportation, young people have a lot of ways to stay in touch that we didn’t have 30 or 40 years ago.</p>

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<p>My view is somewhat colored by my own son’s experience. He and his gf’s first date was their HS spring dance, seven years ago, senior year after colleges were pretty much settled. She went to off to college in Pennsylvania, he went to Pomona in CA, but they continued their relationship the entire time- spending holidays, summer vacations, and even a trip abroad in the same country during junior year. They managed to make it work and also enjoy their respective college experiences. They both got jobs in the same city on graduation, moved in together and were just married this summer. I know that they each value their college experiences and are actually glad they didn’t attend each other’s schools. Having grown up in the same community and having attended the same high school, going to college away from home and each other was a very healthy thing for both of them. I think it also helped them appreciate one another, and what a good thing they had together.</p>

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<p>OP, you asked for our experiences, so I wanted to offer you ours, and what turned out to be a solution. </p>

<p>From the start, we insisted that our D finish her freshman year at her college, hoping she’d eventually fall in love with it and/or break up with the boyfriend. But by mid-spring, we were so exhausted by her unrelenting misery that we finally gave up on the hope that she’d stay at her college. We told her that she could transfer after freshman year – IF she could figure out the finances of getting her degree at a college closer to the boyfriend (by leaving, she’d be giving up significant FA which she wouldn’t be able to get anywhere else). That was the really hard step for us, the giving up, because you’re right. We parents have invested an awful lot in our kids, and it’s so hard when they want to just throw away what we believe is a great thing.</p>

<p>By late spring, D had put together a plan which we felt was doable. She was going to take her sophomore year at our local community college to save money, and then transfer to a public U near him. </p>

<p>When she left her college at the end of freshman year, she didn’t withdraw, which was possibly the smartest thing she’s ever done. Instead, before she came home, she applied for a one-year leave. She told us that she was 99% sure that she wouldn’t go back, but didn’t want to close the door until she was completely sure. </p>

<p>Within a week of coming home, she broke up with the boyfriend. She then spent a good chunk of the summer skyping and IM-ing with college friends, whom she missed far more than she’d anticipated. By the time school started again in August, we was absolutely pining for her college and quickly notified them that she’d be back in January. She’s now in her final semester.</p>

<p>Looking back, I think three things contributed to the successful ending. First, we had to make her stick it out long enough to make sure it wasn’t just freshman homesickness, and that can take an entire semester or more to dissipate. September/October is far too early to even be talking about a transfer. Second, we didn’t allow her to just flee. We put the onus on her to figure out what the next step was, and how she was going to accomplish it. And third, we had to really and truly let go. Not that we were happy, but we were at peace, knowing we’d done everything we could. In an odd way, I think that actually helped her to return to her college. She sensed that it really was her very own decision, not Mom and Dad imposing their wishes. </p>

<p>Good luck. There are few things in life harder for a parent than an unhappy freshman.</p>

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<p>moonchild: what a great story. </p>

<p>As for this:</p>

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<p>They are not separated by a war or anything. It’s not like they can’t see each other or talk (as others have pointed out). My DS goes to college a three-hour plane ride away; his GF is living at home and going to a local college. He will be home in a couple of weeks for fall break, the entire week for Thanksgiving, nearly 4 weeks in the winter, etc. You get the picture. While I know he misses her (and they skype all the time), he is able to focus on his schoolwork and his activities at college. If she were there, I know he would be spending every free minute with her. In addition, both of them believe they are in the right place for them. He loves his university; she loves hers. Who knows if this will last or not. My point is that while they are in different states, they are not in isolation without communications and they are not going to be apart for 4 years (if the relationship even continues).</p>

<p>I think a lot of the advice here that others have given is spot on. Who knows where BF will end up? She has to look at the opportunity she has (which she worked so hard for). I would not humor the intention to transfer simply due to the BF. No way, Jose. Now if there are other issues, that’s a different story.</p>

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<p>She may surprise you ~
She has to apply. Say she gets in, she will need to visit it (I would insist on that). She needs to be sure he really is going to choose that school -so she will need to wait till May before making any plans that she can’t back-out-of. She will need to know if she has housing on the new campus (often times transfers don’t) She may have to find housing -on her own- and arrange it. That’s a lot of work. She will need to know the final cost. Is it above her current school? She will have to arrange loans. Does she own her car out-right?</p>

<p>In other words ~ I would not impede or promote.</p>

<p>She would need to do this on her own. Can she do that? Is it worth it to her? If she does do it, it will be a tremendous growth experience -even if she doesn’t stay with the boyfriend. Even if she doesn’t like the campus as much, she will have “launched” and matured a great deal - but only if she does this on her own. She will probably think-better-of-it and make the more mature decision to not follow him - it’s not worth the upheaval.</p>

<p>No arguing. This is a neutral decision has far as you are concerned - since she’s doing it on her own.</p>

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<p>When I was a junior in college I tried to transfer to be w/a high school boyfriend. He was going to a much more selective college. I applied and didn’t get in:( But during that time I studied very hard!! I wasn’t interested in other schools near him, I knew they weren’t a good enough fit. I didn’t tell my parents or the boyfriend what I was trying to do.</p>

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<p>My son is in a long distance relationship with his hs gf. I told him right off the bat, no transferring to be with her. He doesn’t even want to, he loves his school, has great friends, and in a certain way it frees him up to not worry about that part of school. He can just focus on school and himself.</p>

<p>They skype, text, talk. He said they’ll even keep skype up while they do homework and study. She is not thrilled with her school but his is not an option for her due to finances. He gets we sacrificed and pushed his entire life to get him where he is now.</p>

<p>They both seem fine with the situation. I was holding my breath by the end of summer about how they’d handle going their separate ways, but they’re fine. </p>

<p>But like the other poster, he’ll be home next weekend for break, then Thanksgiving, then winter break, etc. Plus his summer is 4 months long.</p>

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<p>My oldest son met his former girlfriend three days into college. After their freshman year, they moved into the same dorm a floor apart. Just before Christmas that year, they broke it off. </p>

<p>That said, I had two former students who made things work. He even dropped her off at her college. Meanwhile, he went off to his. But, the school just did not work for her, so she transferred to his at winter break. She stays through her sophomore year, but they realized it would be better if she transferred again, because she really wanted to study nursing. Their college did not offer a program. He stayed at that school, played baseball and got his degree. She went off to another school for nursing. Following graduation, they got married. So things can work out if people put the time and effort into a relationship.</p>

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<p>OP- you need to be Switzerland, i.e. completely neutral on the subject of the BF.</p>

<p>You can be supportive of your D’s wish to transfer without actually expressing an opinion one way or another. You can respond to questions with other questions: “Mom, do you think I can get full credit for the classes I will have already taken” gets, “Gee honey, what does your academic adviser say?” The question, " Should I tell my roommate I’m not going to be here next year so she can find another roommate", gets, “What did the Director of Transfer admissions tell you at the other college?” Etc.</p>

<p>This is HER transfer and HER Bf and HER college experience. There is a very high likelihood that this drama will all play itself out, and that it is easier for your D to focus on this as the source of her discomfort? adjustment issues? rocky start? than to recognize that college is hard, it’s not HS, it will take some work (even if the BF lived next door) to make friends and put down roots.</p>

<p>So you need to back off and let nature take its course. Whether they “belong together” isn’t really the issue on the table. The issue is, can your D stop obsessing about the need to be with the BF long enough to develop roots at her current college? And the best way for her to do that is to realize that transferring requires work, a plan, putting together an application, a timeline, etc. And maybe showing up at her current classes and studying for exams and writing her papers is actually easier than putting in the energy to transfer.</p>

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<p>high school ends after 12th grade , she needs to spread her wings and fly. if she wants after they both graduate and want to be together then fine. (very low chance) but I can write the end of this story and 99.9% it will be accurate. </p>

<p>she will regret it if she moves schools for a guy, she will also regret when they break up in the near future that she wasted the beginning of her freshman year(when everyone else is making new bonds) waiting by her phone and planning to leave every weekend to head home.</p>

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<p>I told my kids that if they transferred, it was likely it would take an extra year to graduate and that we were paying for 8 semesters. They could transfer but that they would have to pay for the extra year. I also told them that I helped with applications the first time (meaning paying for apps, ACT scores, I helped admin the application process and was an emotional support) but they were on their own. Each toyed with transferring but ultimately stayed where they were. Incidentally they both met their SO at their U’s.</p>

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<p>I have two situations like this in my family. The first is with my parents (who just celebrated their 28th anniversary) different because they actually met at college when my mother was a freshman and my father a senior, and my mother transferred her junior year to a school in the same city (not the same school) where my father was attending medical school. My mother acknowledges however that it was a different time and decisions like this are more complicated nowadays. She graduated from her second school with a double major and a masters, which she wouldn’t have gotten at her other school (which she said was much harder).
The second situation is with my cousin. Her boyfriend attended a university she could never have gotten into out of high school, but after excelling during her freshman year of college, she was able to transfer there. Her and her boyfriend broke up junior year, but this school is a much better fit for her than her previous school and is also very highly respected and ranked whereas her previous school was not. She is very happy at her current school and has turned into a very diligent student, which she was not in high school, so even though her relationship did not last, the decision to transfer was a great thing.</p>

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<p>Oh, man, I love that line. And very true. Keep the focus on the transfer itself (financial, credits, major), not the bf. </p>

<p>In our situation, oldest d’s hs bf picked the same school she did, and then she broke up with him that summer. It was a small school, and the bf made things as awkward and uncomfortable as he could for her. If bf winds up at big state U, there’s less of a chance this could be an issue.</p>

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<p>Agree Switzerland is a great answer! Very smart.</p>

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<p>Transferring to an as yet to be identified school? I would say no. Parents can still do that, right?</p>

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<p>Started dating my bf when I was a h.s. junior. He was a freshman at a state u. an hour away from our hometown. I was a good student and could have had more choices but applied only to his directional state u. I really liked the school so didn’t think that was a problem. After more than a year of seeing each other only on weekends, I just knew being at the same school would be paradise.<br>
After three months of togetherness, he broke up with me just before fall exams and dropped out of college at the end of the year. So much for true love.</p>

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<p>What is your daughter going to do? Put in transfer applications at ALL the schools to which BF is applying? Are they going to compare final offers together? </p>

<p>We helped our kids apply to colleges as high school seniors. If either one had wanted to transfer, they would have had to navigate the application process themselves.</p>

<p>The biggest question your daughter needs to answer…what WILL happen if they break up? While this is not what she expects, it could happen, and she needs to have that answer in her head, in my opinion.</p>