Couple going to college together?

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hi, I'm looking for some feedback from folks who attended the same college as their h.s. boyfriend/girlfriend.</p>

<p>My D is a senior, she has a steady boyfriend of almost a year. They are very attached. We like the boy, he is a good kid and treats D well. They also both have large groups of good friends, not a lot of overlap in the groups since they attend different high schools. </p>

<p>They are both getting ready to apply to college, of course. They plan entirely different majors, but there is some overlap (3 schools) in their college lists. None of the schools on their "mutual" list has less than 5000 kids or is in a rural area. </p>

<p>My opinion on them potentially attending the same college is:
1) It's too early to worry about it (but I am anyway, or I wouldn't be writing here, haha). We need to see where they are admitted. Two of their mutual schools are a little bit of a reach for both of them. And they could break up between now and decision-time.
2) As long as they each end up going to the school that is best for EACH of them, I don't care if they end up at the same school or not. What I do NOT want to see is either of them give up a favorite school to follow the other one to a different school.
3) They are both strong people with good self-confidence. I don't think either of them would expect to spend all their time together, share all the same friends or join the same activities if they end up at the same school and are still a couple. </p>

<p>The BF's mom told me she does not want them to attend the same school because she thinks her son would be too distracted. I think that if they stay together and end up at the same school, D would be LESS distracted. She'd be able to take seeing BF for granted, and would go on about joining the activities she wants. If they are at different schools, she'd be worrying about when she could see him again, and possibly avoiding activities that would conflict with their travel plans (until they most likely broke up, in which case she'd be very sad for a while, get over it and move on).</p>

<p>Anyway..... I know three couples who began dating in hs, attended different colleges, and are now married. I know a TON of people who started dating in hs, attended different colleges, and broke up. What I have never met is a couple who began dating in hs and attended the SAME college. Are there any of you out there? What happened? Is attending the same school as a bf/gf just a universally bad idea?</p>

<p>(Disclosure: DH and I met in college.)</p>

2

<p>I agree that as long as they both end up at the school that’s right for them then it’s probably okay, though I think either can be a great experience. I met my boyfriend freshman year of college, he went to school about 20 minutes away from my community college, and now I am transferring to a university that is still 20 minutes away from him. It’s forced us to learn how to be strong, independent people with our own lives and interests while still cultivating a healthy relationship, which we believe is a valuable life skill. A lot of friends I know that date people at their same school end up not joining clubs or making new friends because they are too busy spending every moment with their boyfriend and never learn to set boundaries on time spent together-- which in college, when you can literally spend every waking moment together with nobody telling you no, can be hard to do. Even if one person is independent, often the other person will be upset and feel they aren’t getting enough attention, and the other person buckles to keep the relationship alive. I am so glad that my boyfriend and I never had to handle that. I wouldn’t have had my experience any other way. We plan to get a place together after graduation and once we pay off some of our loans and get a good amount of savings going, we hope to get married. I think our experience has served us well as two career oriented people who still hope to have busy lives after college. If his college had been right for me I might have gone there, though I imagine it might have been difficult for us at this stage of life to have that much closeness. I imagine it would have been nice to be able to meet him for lunch whenever I want rather than have to schedule when I can see him every week. However, it would also not be great to have to explain to him that even though we do live a block apart, I STILL don’t want to see him more than two or three times a week because I need to be able to enjoy the other parts of my life too. And frankly, I DO distract him. XD He invites me over to study and I study, but he never gets any work done when he’s with me. So for us, this is better.</p>

3

<p>I think all of your points are correct, and there is no reason to worry at this time one way or another.</p>

<p>Most kids who do not have a “built in” bf/gf starting college, get into some sort of relationship during their freshman year, so they still end up being at the same school with gf/bf…</p>

4

<p>It kind of sounds like you want your daughter to attend the same college as her boyfriend because you think it will help her be less distracted. Perhaps you also get some comfort from the idea that she has found a boy who treats her well and will look out for her while she’s away at college.</p>

<p>The boyfriend’s Mom has a different outlook on the situation. She feels that her son will be more distracted because of having to deal with the responsibilities and drama that go along with having a relationship while beginning college. </p>

<p>As the mom of 2 sons, I’m going to suggest that you stay out of the situation and them work this out on their own. Respect the boyfriend’s parents and their outlook on the situation. Don’t try to persuade your daughter to attend the same college as the boyfriend because it’s what you feel is in her best interest. You should also be concerned with what is best for the boy. </p>

<p>As the mom of two sons (both in college), I tend to agree with the mom of the boyfriend. The decision to attend a particular college should not be based on a high school relationship. Remain neutral on the subject and respect the opinion of the boy’s parents. Let the two of them figure this out.</p>

5

<p>I transferred to my HS boyfriend’s college after a year at a different school. We’ve been married 33 years. We had common friends and activities and ones that were ours alone. I was able to join my same sorority at the new school, which gave me my own circle of friends.
While this is less common today I think for the right kids it’s an OK choice. Young couple I know just got married - they have been dating since her sophomore year in HS, and are now 1 and 2 years post-college.
You have thought through all the things people are likely to bring up - if bf’s mother starts worrying too much about her son being “distracted” , well the year we were apart my H drove 6 hours each way to visit me at least once a month and wrote me a letter every day (letters… remember those? Today it would be spending too much time texting little hearts to each other) so his grades went way up when I was there instead of far away.</p>

<p>Cross posted with nysmile… I felt the same way about my son’s HS girlfriend… maybe it’s a mom and son thing, maybe my son was just dating a flake. They broke up soon after she followed him to same school.</p>

6

<p>nysmile, I can see where my post gave you that idea. I should clarify myself.</p>

<p>I was not originally planning on factoring the possibility of them ending up together into any of our decision-making. But then I took D to visit some schools, and I could see that the “where is BF going and how can we see each other” factor was weighing on her more heavily than I had realized. I’ve told her several times that she needs to pick a college that’s best for HER and leave BF out of her decision making, and she says she will, but if they stay together I’m sure she’ll have a hard time not making that a consideration.</p>

<p>So I’m wondering if the BF’s mom is right and it would be a bad idea for them to end up together, or if I’m right and it will probably be ok either way?</p>

<p>I agree with you, nysmile, that I need to stay out of the situation. I’m just curious if anyone else actually did go to the same school as a h.s. sweetie and what the results were.</p>

7

<p>dragonmom: maybe it is a Mother/Son thing. :slight_smile: </p>

<p>I recommend staying neutral about the whole thing and letting the two of them take ownership of whatever decision they make. This way, they must also take ownership of the outcome of their decision. </p>

<p>IMO, it’s a bad idea. The relationship usually ends up being nothing more than a security blanket during the transition to college life. Once they become comfortable in their surroundings, they won’t need the “security blanket” any more and this is when the relationship may start to go downhill. The last thing any freshman needs is to add this stress on top of the normal freshman stress.</p>

8

<p>When a couple goes to the same school, if they are not very social or if one is needy, then there is a chance they’ll shut themselves out of a lot of freshman activities. On the other hand, just because one is single going to college doesn’t mean one wouldn’t end up meeting someone the first week, and be totally attached either. My daughter’s best friend met an upper classman the first week, ended up spending most of her time with him the first year. Breakup is messy no matter if it’ HS sweetheart or college BF/GF. It’s all part of college experience and growing.</p>

<p>My recommendation is for your daughter to choose a school that’s best for her, if it happens to be her BF’s favorite, so be it. I woldn’t let BF’s mother tell you what to do. Tell her if she is so concerned, then she needs to be the one to make her son doesn’t go to the school your daughter wants to go.</p>

9

<p>I, too, wonder if it’s a mom/son thing. My friend was happy when her daughter’s boyfriend ended up at the same school. I would not want a son’s girlfriend at the same school. I would never vocalize my opinions to the other parent…ever…since there are so many possible variations on the outcome none of which I could ever influence.</p>

10

<p>My sister’s daughter and her boyfriend met in 8th grade and attended different high schools; they went to the same college, and married a year after graduation. I think this is VERY unusual.</p>

<p>Most of my D’s friends broke up with their BFs and GFs this summer,prior to leaving for college, which I think makes sense.</p>

11

<p>I don’t think it’s a mother/son thing. At least not in all cases. I do think it’s the kid’s decision. Since at that point they are adults.</p>

<p>

My son and his girlfriend did. Started dating sophomore year. Off and on until senior year. Steady after that and went to the same college all four years. Both did extremely well in college. Girlfriend in grad school. Got married last summer. Both families very happy. Doesn’t always end that well, but sometimes it does. Not a lot we can do about it anyway, so why worry?</p>

12

<p>Stay neutral and don’t put too much stock into the future with this particular boyfriend. They’ve only been going out a year . . . IMO that is still the “honeymoon” phase. I’m not saying it won’t work out–it could–but don’t count on it and then end up posting in the “My daughter broke up with her boyfriend and I’m broken up about it” thread. :wink: Encourage your daughter to choose the best school for HER and if her boyfriend ends up there, or doesn’t end up there . . . well, life will go on.</p>

13

<p>H and I went to same HS but didn’t date till after I graduated. A year later, I transfered to his school. we are still together (obviously), and still very happy! I agree it’s a “whatever will be, will be” situation, and one that parents should only comment on in the context of what is the right school. (and BTW, H’s school was much better than the one I was at, so transfering was a good thing for me no matter what.)</p>

14

<p>My cousin who went to the same college as boyfriend to be near him and then broke up, gave me one piece of advice - choose your college for you not your boyfriend’s location. But of course that is easier said than done. I dated a senior my freshman year and in retrospect that wasn’t such a smart thing to do - all my friends graduated and scattered and I had to start all over sophomore year. That doesn’t mean I don’t think freshmen should never date seniors though!</p>

15

<p>Encourage your daughter to apply to the colleges that fit her best, irregardless what her bf’s mom wants. Support her choices irregardless what BF’s mom wants. Why is BF’s mom so invested in your d’s future, it’s too helicopter. In a nice way, tell her to back off.</p>

16

<p>My daughter went to the same college as her HS boyfriend - I do think she would have looked at a broader range of schools if not for that relationship. They broke up not long after they college started, thank God. Funnily enough she is now in a very nice relationship with another young man she went to HS with (there are not many from her HS at this college) - they were in a class together Sophomore year and were in a study group together and they really connected. Fortunately he is very nice. Wish she had dated him in HS!!!</p>

<p>Relationships apart she is very happy with the college and has no regrets about choosing to go there.</p>

17

<p>My ds is living on the same dorm floor as his ex-high school girlfriend. They’ve managed to transition well to friendship. </p>

<p>He did fall completely in love with a girl on his dorm floor. Do I think it’s a great idea to get really romantically involved with a girl you practically already live with? No. Do I get a vote? Also no. </p>

<p>My husband on occasion has given some voice to his reservations–not so much about the girl–but about the distraction and complications that come with it. I’m pretty sure what my ds hears is the same sound Charlie Brown hears when his teacher is talking–no words of wisdom are being absorbed.</p>

<p>My dh apparently was worried about them possibly being sexually active–but completely unable to have that conversation. Without consulting me, he left a pile of condoms on my son’s bed with a note that said,“I’m too young to be a grandfather.” When my ds told me about it he said, “I was so disappointed, because when I first saw the wrappers I thought he left me candy!” </p>

<p>If they’re not involved with each other, they’re going to probably be dating others anyway. None of that is under anybody’s control once they’re at school. Boyfriend’s mom is deluding herself if she thinks she’ll get a vote on any of that, so what does it matter?</p>

18

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<p>Loved that. Yes, your husband could have done better. It’s great your son could talk to you about it.</p>

19

<p>S met GF the summer of his frosh year, her final year in hs. They did not go to the same hs, but they met locally and attend the same college.</p>

<p>The immediately moved in together. It’s been awful. She did not make friends and he regressed and lived on a frosh floor.</p>

<p>But as others have said, we do not get to vote.</p>

<p>As a mother of a son I would be thrilled, but there are some things about the relationship that are very destructive. Since it’s personal, I won’t violate my S’s privacy or the young woman’s either.</p>

<p>I think the other mother is taking a very silly position. I did not go to the same college as my BF. I was only 17 and felt I wanted to be free to meet people and look around a bit.</p>

<p>Instead, he did the looking and immediately got into another relationship.</p>

<p>Had his mother not wanted me to attend his college, she would have been disappointed because we broke up and he immediately had someone else.</p>

<p>I am a bit offended for you that the mother said this to you.</p>

<p>As for respecting the parents’ point-of-view, your point-of-view is just as valid.</p>

<p>For the record, I have a S and a D. D has just graduated from college. She went to Barnard and her BF was at Wash U, and she is moving to Atlanta to be with him.</p>

<p>No votes for moms but I am very happy for her.</p>

<p>I would be happy if S was with his first GF, but current GF is a bit of a problem. It is heartbreaking.</p>

20

<p>My 21 yr old was the one to leave behind the boyfriend, who we loved when she went to school a few states away. They both swore up and down that they would not be the couple that ( predictably ) would break up because of the distance…well of course, they did in about 6 months. I was concerned that he would hold her back, at least socially and in all honesty , it was that way.
I would not have wanted either of my girls going to the same schools as their boyfriends…have yet to see that work out the way they think it will…
I think it is different meeting your future mate at school than planning to go to the same school…my daughter’s best friend met her fiance at school in freshman year and they plan to marry soon after graduation. They moved in together in her sophomore year and she never really has had the whole " college experience" either…no friends at all which is a concern to my daughter…she is afraid that she will want to sew her oats later, because she never did in college and no room for it after she graduates</p>