Sad about my daughter's social struggles

Parents Forum
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<p>First semester went great for my D. Lives in an all-freshmen dorm on a co-ed floor with 14 other girls. Put all her "social" eggs in one basket and bonded incredibly with those girls so didn't really try to go outside her dorm. Grades were great,classes and professors good, loved the independence and freedom and frat parties and dorm parties and hanging with the girls. Still hung tight with HS friends who are at state colleges nearby; she got to visit them or they came to visit her. Just a wonderful first semester.</p>

<p>Enter second semester and it seems nothing is going right. Classes are much tougher and grades may reflect that (although it might be too early to tell - midterms are this coming week). Sorority rush was a disaster - a real social slap in the face. She was the only girl on her floor who didn't pledge a sorority (she rejected the bid she got and in 20-20 hindsight that was probably an - irreversible - mistake). Now every girl is going to live in a sorority house next year and because she didn't bother to try and make friends outside her dorm, she has noone to room with. She's just hoping to get a single in a dorm but that might be doubtful because of her lowly soph status. So might end up getting a potluck roommate (which might not be such a bad thing). She's applying for a freshmen mentor position but that looks pretty doubtful. </p>

<p>She really lacks some social skills that would enable her to connect better to people. Frankly, she's just out of the social loop - at a school where those skills matter (meaning a small school where a "fringe" person is pretty obviously just that). She's not in the spring break loop either.</p>

<p>I just feel sad for her. I think she's trying to just file this all away and pretend like everything is OK and maybe I'm just overanalyzing the whole thing but I have to imagine that this is pretty tough on her. Encouraging her to join a campus club or something on those lines just falls on deaf ears. I think she sees any advice - no matter how subltly given - as just a reminder of all the things that have gone wrong and I certainly don't want to hurt her more. </p>

<p>I know I have to let her find her own way in this situation and it's probably harder on me than on her. I just keep hoping for some bright, positive thing to happen to her.</p>

<p>Not really looking for advice - although I'd love to hear some happy ending stories - just expressing my sadness. Sometimes, that's all I can do: just feel for her as she struggles with ups and downs of life. I sure wish there were a few ups right now!</p>

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<p>{{{{{hugs}}}} Fredo, I understand. Watching our children's bumps can be so painful.</p>

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<p>Hugs from here too. My kids too have had social struggles. S was a particularly interesting case. On the surface, he had it all--looks, talent, athletic ability, brains. But he cannot sustain a relationship for a variety of personal reasons and flaws. He was rushed by a frat, that he probably should have joined for social reasons, but for some finicky reasons that could have been dealt with, he did not, and ended up the only one on the athletic team not in that frat. Ended up as a 6th roommate in a house of guys with whom he had no relationship or interest, and he preferred it that way. For some reason, he does not like friends too close in life and likes to pick and choose his contact with them. He has two roommates now (out of college,working) and again, barely knows their names and has nothing to do with them other than splitting the costs. S3 is painfully socially inept and it really hurts as his brother, S2 is the man about town. But, you know, that is not all it is cracked up to be. In fact, it has caused some of the most serious problems of all in this family. So there is a price, no matter what. </p>

<p>My daughter was always a big, heavy girl around many slenderellas which often led to exclusions. The only reason she was even included in many things was because of her handsome brothers. In our family, the boys are exceptionally good looking, and the girls more ordinary in appearance, something people have actually commented (yeah, even to me). But the girls are now grown-D is 21, niece is going to be 26, and the maturity has made them quite beautiful and socially comfortable. It just took them longer to reach this equilibrium point. But now D is engaged, and her fiancee is her entire social life; I think she is too young. So it is never right, I can tell you and Mom is the designated sufferer, as H does not seem to worry much about these things.</p>

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<p>It may turn out better than you think. I went to a big Greek school and I got really bored with my sorority after about... three weeks. Also, I've always been sorry I pledged. She may end up meeting a group of people she likes even better next year, all of whom didn't pledge. I really sympathize with your worries, however.</p>

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<p>I think adjusting from life at home to college life naturally brings about social struggles. I was always very popular in high school, but that changed when my military father was transferred to Europe in my senior year. I wasn't happy there and couldn't wait to come back to the states for college. My parents insisted I go to college in their home state of South Carolina because relatives would be nearby. I didn't know a soul, and most of the other students were in-state, giving them natural peer groups. It was a miserable first semester, but I eventually assimilated and grew to love my school. My daughter, on the other hand, didn't hit her social stride until the very end of high school and has blossomed in college. It's hard as a parent to see your child struggle. How does that saying go? Something like, "A parent is only as happy as his unhappiest child." That might not be exactly it, but you get the picture.</p>

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<p>Fredo, I am sorry about your D.</p>

<p>I remember your earlier post during/after rush.</p>

<p>I did not join a sorority freshman year and a lot of my friends did. Things tend to wind down after they are initiated. They will grow tired of being with all of the same people all of the time. But until then
maybe you could suggest that she "cast out a wider net" and hopefully make some new friends.</p>

<p>I found a roommate in the cafeteria. She was talking to someone next to me about trying to find a roomate, I told her I was looking for someone and that was that.</p>

<p>Try to keep her spirits up--and with a little more time things will get better.</p>

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<p>Fredo,
I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter's struggles. My S, a h.s. senior now, struggled mightily with the friends issue in middle school and the first two years of high school. Being a friend did not come naturally to him. He learned though, and he has very close friendships with a few boys and girls. It's so heartbreaking as a mom to watch/hear about friends issues. But I have confidence your daughter will work this out and go on to make dear friends in college because you mentioned in your post that she had good high school friends, and easily made friends on her floor first semester. So, it sounds like she does know how to make friends... just that the circumstances right now have changed and she's in a transition. I think she made the right choice about not accepting that sorority bid. She probably had a strong intuition that she would not have been happy in that particular house. I know that I did when I went through rush years and years ago. Sometimes the initial fallout from a decision can be tough, but that doesn't mean that in the long run it isn't a good decision. She'll work this through! In the meantime, hang in there and send her a little surprise in the mail to cheer her up for midterms.</p>

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<p>When she is a sophmore, she will be with the Independents, those kids who are not in the greek system for a variety of reasons...and those kids can be very cool...have lots of intersts, diverse, and confident....if they didn't go greek it could be because they didn't get in a house, or., they couldn't be bothered, either way, those people are generally pretty open..I didn't do the greek thing at a very greek school, and made lots of cool friends.</p>

<p>I think because she is smack in the middle of all the "rush madness", she maybe lost a little perspective; she is maybe thinking this is the college world and she doesn't see all that is out there</p>

<p>As for spring break, is there any kind of program she can do, either through school, a charity, ie immersion program, political trip, you get the idea, sometimes you can friends that last a lifetime doing program like that...as well, encourage her to have a great adventure this summer, so she doesn;t focus on what she thinks she might be missing when she goes back to school</p>

<p>Because your daughter had lots of friends initially, and those friends changed their priorities, doesn't mean your daughter doesn't have social skills, maybe she sees something in herself that doesn't fit the "greek mold" and she is her own person....she had a gut feeling and went with it and that should be admired</p>

<p>She will do fine, you are a thoughtful mom and when you if you focus on her decision as a good one, not a bad one, and that you respect her choice and respect her, ask her advice on what you should do....</p>

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<p>
[quote]
She really lacks some social skills that would enable her to connect better to people.

[/quote]
At her age this is not a permanent condition, unless she treats it as one. The point, though, is that if she keeps doing the same things she is now, things won't change. And you can't change by simply hoping/trying, any more than Dorothy could go back to Kansas by clicking her heels. Some people are simply less aware of social cues and the like, but these are trainable skills. </p>

<p>She should check at the counseling center of her school to see if they offer help (which would be confidential). A starting point on the web is <a href="http://www.shyness.com/%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.shyness.com/&lt;/a> </p>

<p>Paul Ekman is one of the leading researchers on recognizing expressions; part of the problem could be that your daughter simply fails to recognize expressions and social cues in conversation. See a fascinating article about his and similar work at <a href="http://www.gladwell.com/2002/2002_08_05_a_face.htm%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.gladwell.com/2002/2002_08_05_a_face.htm&lt;/a>, or go to <a href="http://www.paulekman.com/training_cds.php%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.paulekman.com/training_cds.php&lt;/a> for CD's that can help train to recognize facial expressions.</p>

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<p>Fredo, a couple of things:</p>

<p>First, all kids make some friends when they start and then sort of shift to new ones. Many parents have reported here that their kids made friends in the dorm first and then later branched out to other friends with whom they had more in common. Your daughter is definitely not alone. </p>

<p>Second, I went back and read your sorority posts. Your daughter sounds like a young woman who knows exactly who she is. She doesn't just do things to fit in with the crowd. This is a tough place to be in the short run. In the long run, if she can hold onto that terrific quality, she will find that others who value it and who are similar will be attracted to her. Before long she is going to have a terrific and very interesting social life. In the meantime, it's great she has you to share her hurt with...though I know it's hard on Mom. (((fredo)))</p>

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<p>Hi Fredo,</p>

<p>Everyone has said what I would have said, especially citygirlsmom; the independents do find one another. I know this is a tricky time for you and I will be thinking hugs to you and your daughter. Life can be so tough sometimes. (And, by the way, I was very moved by your post about your sister on the thread about my D's wedding dress! That is so moving! I wish her all the best.) </p>

<p>Anyway, my D had social issues in high school that resolved in college, and I really admired her as I do your D for being her true self in the face of social pressures.</p>

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<p>Another suggestion based on my experience. I started dating a guy at the end of my senior year in high school. On our third date we discovered we were going to the same college. So we started out college as a couple and acquired all our friends as a couple. When we broke up in spring of freshman year, he ended up with all the friends and I was out in the cold.</p>

<p>I had no idea what I was going to do for a roommate or anything the following year. Then I started looking into the campus interest houses. I ended up living in the Newman house. I didn't become best friends with everyone there, but I am still close to several of the people. It was a good experience. It widened my net quite a bit and I got to meet a lot of different people I would not have encountered otherwise. You might ask your daughter if her school has interest houses that she might like.</p>

<p>The following year I also joined the school choir and those folks became my closest friends. I don't have any contact with anyone I knew freshman year, but am very close to lots of folks I got to know later on.</p>

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<p>Fredo, how about a care box? When I sent my D off to college her freshman year, I made up a Broken Heart Kit. Sounds so corny, but I bought an inexpensive, white, cardboard, lunchbox-type box from the Container Store. I put in a CD; a couple of packs of her favorite gum; some 3-D butterfly stickers that could be punched out and stuck onto things; some Sharpie pens in the new pastel and jewel tone colors; a small, magnetic picture frame with a pic of our dog; cedar closet spray; a pair of fun toe socks; a bar of fancy soap; a small, plastic, toy kaleidoscope; just little things that I knew would make her feel better. I used newspaper from the Sunday comic strips to wrap some of the items, tied up with curly ribbon. </p>

<p>First, everyone in the family put our signatures on the outside. Then, a warning: EMERGENCY USE ONLY! TO BE USED FOR REPAIR OF A BROKEN HEART. I decorated the outside of the box with stickers and color copies of family photos, (including house pets, past and present). I wrote optimistic quotes, smart quotes, & funny sayings around the top & bottom of the box in colored Sharpies.</p>

<p>She opened the box during the first week of college, and when we went to visit her at her dorm, the butterflies were stuck onto her lampshade. She's at the end of her soph year, and the butterflies are still there. </p>

<p>There's not much you can do to help her with the social decisions she'll have to make in order to cope with her situation. But, you can always fall back on the old tried-and-true mom thing. We know how to hug our kiddos, no matter how old they get. :) ::::slugghuggs, fredo::::</p>

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<p>Tell her to get involved with campus activities. Also, it's still freshman year. She can go make more friends easily.</p>

<p>I didn't have a roommate my freshman year and I was in a suite isolated from the rest of the floor. I knew 4 people in my entire building, including my RA. In high school, I was a shy and introverted type of person.</p>

<p>So what did I do? I did things on campus, talked to people in my classes, and became friends with people that I randomly met on campus. If I can do it she can do it. She's probably just upset right now that she won't be living with people she knows more so than "losing" her friends. It's important to remember she made an independent decision without following the rest of the group. Good for her. Be proud of her for that.</p>

<p>I understand as a parent you feel nothing but sympathy and sadness for your own blood, but just remember that in due time, all of this will blow over and she'll be her happy perky self again</p>

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<p>My sympathies - it's so hard to see your kids hurt. Try to keep in mind that, altho it seems like a disaster now, not being accepted into a sorority is not the end of the world. Even at the Greekest of campuses, a huge percentage of students do not join - and often the percentage of non-Greeks is higher among women than among men. There are also problems in sororities that don't get much publicity - for example much higher incidence of eating disorders. It certainly doesn't sound like your daughter is a wall flower - and possibly she'll stay in touch with her dorm friends and, who knows, maybe she'll get invited to more parties because she's not affiliated with a particular sorority. </p>

<p>My son is handsome, athletic, bright and very shy. It used to break my heart in elementary school when I'd observe him alone on the playground (later I started looking around and realized he wasn't the only one). At one point, I talked to our pediatrician about his shyness - and our pediatrician, who is highly respected in our community with a loving marriage (his wife is his nurse), said, "Well I'm shy." Which really helped to drive home the point that a person can be a very successful human being, find love, and still be a little socially awkward. Kids will learn. They'll find friends. And life isn't always easy. Overcoming small disappointments now will be good preparation for bigger challenges later.</p>

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<p>Why is it that sorority rush seems to 'slap' it's rejects? Frat rushes don't seem as personal, somehow.</p>

<p>I know a girl who was rejected by all the top sororities after she admitted that her father was a (non-practising) Jew. Dropped like a pile of horse puckey. She transferred the following year to a Top 20 school, but she never lost the shock of the incident. </p>

<p>Big hugs to you. I agree with Jamimom, there are downsides to both personality types.</p>

<p>Your thread reminded me of buckeyemom's worries last term. CC posters gave lots of good suggestions--and eventually her D took some of the suggestions on board. Maybe your D won't remain deaf??</p>

<p>Here's the link: <a href="http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=25140&highlight=buckeyemom%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=25140&highlight=buckeyemom&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

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<p>I gotta say that for a person with questionable social talent and confidence, a small school with a heavy social orientation is probably the riskiest. With that type of climate there are always going to be disappointments no matter if you are in the spot she is in now, in a sorority whatever... sooner or later you get hurt unless you are a real social leader or impervious to rejection by interests, confidence or otherwise!</p>

<p>And as far as spring break.. that is about the last whirl I would want my child to be in the middle of.</p>

<p>Too much too soon.</p>

<p>These are all really high pressure social situations!</p>

<p>If it were my daughter I would put it into her head that she limits her social choices by signing on to a sorority. There are nice people she can learn from wherever she is. To think otherwise is to be narrow and to invite uncomforatble social dependence.</p>

<p>If she stays at this small school, then that orientation and brain washing is what really has to happen.. I think...</p>

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<p>I like AParent5's thoughts on the subject.</p>

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<p>In many ways, your daughter sounds like me as a college freshman, although my college did not have sororities, so I did not have to face that rejection. (And I am sure I would have been rejected, had I even wanted to join, which is also doubtful.) In my case, the first quarter was the hard one. I made friends (or thought I made friends) with a bunch of kids who turned out to just be my roommate's friends. My roommate said I was too quiet and she wanted to trade roommates, so I got stuck with the girl everyone said was "odd." In reality, she turned out to be the best thing for me--a very outgoing girl who was, indeed, a bit different, but I had nothing against different, and we became great friends.</p>

<p>My second year, I became part of a new theme house. Again I ended up with a roommate I did not know. We never did become friends, but I made other friends in the house, and it was probably the best year of my college life.</p>

<p>I learned later that many people had asked my mother why she let me go far from home to college when I was so shy and deficient in social skills. However, I chose that challenge, knowing full well that it might be hard. I grew tremendously through both the good and bad times, and I am glad my mother never voiced any doubts she must have had, but exhibited confidence that I could handle the new situations in which I found myself.</p>

<p>I would recommend that you be open to your daughter's situation. Offer your best suggestions should she ask for advice, but also let her know that you have confidence in her ability to handle life. Sometimes the most important thing is just knowing someone believes in you.</p>

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<p>fredo - for me, watching my child's social struggles is the hardest mom task of all.</p>

<p>A very wise and experienced friend of mine told me of the many sleepless nights she experienced suffering "for" her D after hearing of social struggles at college. Days later, she would hear from D again who was no longer suffering, and had moved on. So often it hurts us more than it hurts them. I hope that this type of "happy ending" will be the same for you. If D is
[quote]
trying to file this all away and pretend like everything is OK

[/quote]
she probably has just the coping skills she needs in this situation. Northstarmom once did me the great favor of seeing my S's struggles in a different light: she said that it sounded to her like my S was resilient and would have many advantages over kids who never once had a setback to rise above. I think she is right, and I think it will apply to your D too. Our kids will soon have it all over those for whom the path has always been a golden one without obstacles.</p>