The Roommate's Boyfriend

Student Lounge College Life
1

I’m getting ready to start my Freshman year of college, and was pretty pumped to meet new people and share a dorm with them. Where I’m staying we have suites, and in each suite is a little living area with a shower room and toilet room, two sinks, and then two other doors. These doors lead to our actual rooms. Three people stay in each room, making it a total of six girls sharing a suite.

I’m totally fine with this, however when reading up about my new roomies on the school’s site, one of them put ‘boyfriend stays most nights, if that’s a problem sorry’. The school does a policy where guests of the opposite gender are only allowed to stay the night Friday’s and Saturday’s and they have to have every roommate sign a form saying they’re okay with this.

I am by no means disgusted or anything by this, however her boyfriend is a bit older than all of us. I’m not comfortable with this at all, and my parents are really not okay with it. I immediately looked into changing rooms (had even accepted the fact I would have to share a smaller space with one other person and not get a personal bathroom like traditional college style) but the school has a strict ‘no room change’ freeze period for the summer and beginning two weeks of school, which would put me in contact with this fellow for four days already.

I’m not sure if I can get the admissions office to go ahead and place me somewhere else, as I’m sure another girl would love to get upgraded to a suite style room instead of dorm style. I know that it’s a possibility that another girl would also feel uncomfortable and not sign the form, but I’d rather not get into it with someone I don’t even know over this issue. The girl is a sophomore so she knows the ins and outs of the school already, and is probably used to her lifestyle by now.

I’m okay that her boyfriend stays the night and I really don’t wanna make her change how she lives, but I just don’t wanna sleep in the same room as him. The space will be cramped already, and I could suggest that she sleep with him on a blow-up mattress in the living area, but they could also turn around and tell me to sleep out there.

I’d rather just transfer rooms and avoid the conflict because I can get a bit testy when confronted about issues like this and no one wants to compromise. I really don’t wanna have an enemy the very first day I move in, and aside from the boyfriend thing she sounds like an awesome person and I’d like to be her friend. I just don’t wanna share a room with her boyfriend on the weekends.

Does anyone have an advice I could use on this topic? I’m sure problems like this have occurred before.
How did the college handle things like this?
Have you ever personally had any problems with a roommate’s boyfriend or been the one who preferred to sleep with your sweetie?
Is there anything else I should know before moving into a dorm for college?

2

I have never had any experience with such a situation but I wanted to comment that you would probably contact the residence life office not the admissions office if you wanted to transfer rooms

3

It seems beyond bizarre that anyone would assume their boyfriend sleeping over most nights would be ok when sharing a tiny cramped room with 2 other girls. Personally I’d reply that yes, I do have a problem with it. But if you don’t want to be confrontational then you can wait until you get there and talk to the RA. Or even screenshot her post and forward it to the housing office. I can’t imagine any school would be ok with a member of the opposite sex sleeping over every night in a shared dorm room.

4

You shouldn’t have to change rooms. Your roommate is saying right now that they are intending to break the rules of residence hall - rules that she has already signed an agreement for. That’s not a good way to start out! When there are 6 people living together, you absolutely cannot have a partner (or anyone) over “most nights” and just announce it like it’s a done deal without asking. You can absolutely expect her to change how she lives - if she wants her boyfriend over all the time, she needs to get a single room and/or move off campus. She may sound like an otherwise awesome person, but she’s also displaying a sense that at the very best she’s clueless about interacting with others and at worst she has a disregard for the feelings and privacy of others.

I doubt you will be able to do anything pre-emptively. In fact, your roommate might even just be chattering about nothing - she might THINK that her boyfriend will stay most nights, but it won’t end up like that.

Still, during the first couple days of housing I suggest that you and your roommates get together and discuss - among other things, like cleaning responsibilities and borrowing expectations - boundaries about visitors, guests, and parties/gatherings. This should be one of the things that you bring up - start off being polite, but firm. Explain that you are not comfortable with anyone’s partner (of any gender) staying over a lot, because 6 people already makes the room small, because of privacy concerns, and because you want to bond with your suite mates without other people over all the time. Point to the agreement that you all signed about visitors, and ask everyone to come to an acceptable agreement about how often partners are allowed over.

Usually, a frank discussion with roommates straightens these kinds of problems out. If you still encounter problems from this girl having her boyfriend over, don’t hesitate to talk to an RA about it. But don’t go to the RA first - she’s only going to ask you if you have talked to your roommate, and if not, she’s going to direct you to talk to her first.

5

Honestly, changing rooms wouldn’t be the worst idea. Otherwise you could always threaten to blackmail her by reporting it to housing in exchange for some sort of bribe. Not condoning option 2, but…

6

Try talking to her about the situation if switching won’t work. Maybe there’s a middle ground here.

It certainly is bad on her part to announce that without any discussion. It’s understandable to want, but it would need to be put on the table for discussion rather than announced.

Maybe you can trade rooms within the suite if you can’t switch. See if another girl in the other room doesn’t mind.

If she’s not willing to work with you and you can’t change rooms, then go the reporting route. Not because she’s in the right but to not make an enemy before you need to.

7

I’m in agreement that you should attempt to work with her now and potentially solve the problem via talking it out before you do get in an uncomfortable situation and need to actually get her in trouble for it/report her. Let her know your concerns about the limited space of the room and that it’s okay if he stays over during the allotted periods allowed by student housing, but not beyond that. At least then, it’s not like you’re outright banning him from spending the night, but his presence isn’t going to be a constant issue to deal with.

Know that if an RA or someone else happens to discover that your roommate is breaking the rules, you could potentially get in trouble as well. (Not sure how your housing rules work, but that would be the case at my school).

8

If she is bold enough to tell you what she said with an attitude, I would be just as bold to tell her that it IS a problem, sorry. Simply say that three in a room is tight enough and that you are not comfortable adding a fourth roommate. If you don’t want to do this, I would definitely screen shot and send to housing now and follow up with a call. Remain anonymous if necessary, but don’t just accept it. She is not in charge of the room and needs to know…

9

You could be just as forthright and ask her how much he will be contributing toward the cost of the room.

10

You need to do something about it NOW. I had 2 roommates who did this, even tough the other roommates made it clear it was not ok…and it was EVERY night. She can stay over with HIM. It is awful havin an additional person there AND the 2 of them will probably be entitled and clueless about everything else…ie, They won’t just sleep.

If she is a sophomore, she probably did this all last year and needs to get a single or work out a double with another couple!

11

I’m not okay with him spending even a single night there due to his age. He’s 30 and all of us are 18 or 19, which makes me really uncomfortable. I am more than capable of handling a verbal brawl with this girl, but like I said earlier I haven’t even met her yet or had a chance to talk go her (nor will I until move in day). I know making sour relations with people is unavoidable but I’d like to avoid it the first day I’m there.

12

If she is this inconsiderate now I imagine she’ll be selfish and rude in other ways, too. She sounds like a bully and someone who wouldn’t make a good roommate or friend. She needs to leave, not you if she doesn’t agree to the rules. Say something now. Is this 30 yr old guy homeless??

13

He’s 30? That’s not okay, particularly where it sounds like the rules have been stretched already. Is he even a student there? What kind of a place is this? It’s unreasonable to expect that 5 girls can be asked to tolerate a special situation just for the convenience of those 2.

The happy homemaker and her guy need to buy a single. or at least a typical double where they can inconvenience a minimal number of others.

It’s reasonable to tell someone with some power in the housing department or Student Affairs that you like the suite and you don’t see why you should have to give it up for a single student who feels she can impose repeatedly on everyone else.

14

No way you should tolerate that! You have a right to privacy and not to be made uncomfortable by the presence of a member of the opposite sex much less a 30 year old man. I would tell her immediately that it is not okay with you and if she hasn’t given you her commitment that he will not be there at all that you will contact the appropriate authorities at the school.
It may be better to secure a different room now. She cannot be that decent of a person to make a demand like that, and the 30 year old guy cannot be at all considerate either.

15

Eww a 30 year old should not date someone in high school. The guy sounds like a major creep, especially if he’s been seeing her since before she was legal. The boyfriend is old enough that he should either have his own place or at least his own room. If your roommate wants to sleep with him, great. She can do it in his place and you should clearly articulate that.

If she insists on having him over after you’ve told her this is not ok, escalate the situation to the RA. If for whatever reason the RA doesn’t do anything, continue up the chain of command. As soon as a residence life director finds out that a 30 year old non student is essentially living in a triple dorm, the situation will get resolved very very quickly.

16

Oh wow. 30 is way too old to be sleeping in a dorm, or dating a college student IMO though it does happen. Yeah, I would expedite the fuss, and scratch the idea about trying to switch to the other room. He shouldn’t be in the suite living at any point. My advice about was assuming he was around 22.

Try to move rooms when you report as well as others said.

17

@pengsphils this guy isn’t dating a college student. He’s seeing someone who just finished high school. Presumably they’ve been dating since before she graduated which makes the relationship even creepier.

18

@whenhen Yeah, it sounds like she might even be being used for room/board. What 30 year old guy would even want to stay in a dorm? And the immediate insistence from the girl…

Go to the university ASAP with this.

19

In addition to what others have said, there’s probably strict rules against adult non-students spending the night in a dorm. There’s just way too much liability there, especially in the current climate of concern over campus rape, for universities to be willing to turn a blind eye.

20

If possible, contact the other 4 suite mates and the as a unified group talk with the roommate first, then the RA and the housing. I would try to talk with the girl before school starts. If she is not open to discussion, then immediately talk with housing since the RA would not be there yet. A thirty year old man has no business sharing the bedroom with two complete strangers who are also teenager girls. Housing will be all over this if they are contacted,

IMHO, a freshman should not have to deal with this type of situation from day 1. I would also recommend a roommate contract even if you switch rooms. This issue is bound to come up and it is better to have the discussion before it does.