<p>DS had a tough first semester in school. He's worried about returning to school after (an idyllic) Christmas break. We're supportive and compassionate - but definitely, though gently, pushing him to go back. We tell him not to judge the entire college experience after one difficult semester when he was in a major that was a terrible fit. </p>
<p>Any of you going/have gone through the same thing? How do/did you deal with it?</p>
<p>What were his first semester grades? That is, is part of the reluctance a concern/fear about academic performance?</p>
<p>Can you tease out all of the issues? If major and/or GPA is one issue that he raises, are other things going on that he is not sharing with you?</p>
<p>GPA is at just over 2.0. As an architecture major he had two architecture classes, calculus and college writing. A month into the semester he realized he just couldn’t handle the stress of the constant projects in the (weed-out) architecture classes. He estimates that he spent an average of 60 hours per week just trying to keep up with the projects. It led him not to perform as well in his other two classes. He had little or no social life on campus because he was in his room working all the time. Constant anxiety led to migraines, stomach issues, then he got food poisoning (lol - his roommate cooked trying to cheer him up) and the flu. The perfect storm for misery. Counseling helped a bit during what was shaping up to be a melt down. He got through the semester, but it took its toll, and son is very worried the same will happen next semester. We’re urging him to sign up for easier classes & fewer units next semester – he’s done with architecture, lol – and to sign up for a couple clubs to jump start making new friends.</p>
<p>Are the issues social?</p>
<p>If he doesn’t get along with his roommate, perhaps a request for a change in roommate might be a good idea.</p>
<p>If he hasn’t met enough people whose company he enjoys, perhaps he should consider joining more clubs or other activities this semester.</p>
<p>If he misses friends (or a girlfriend) from home, perhaps they could pre-arrange a weekend or two when one could visit the other or both could come home at the same time.</p>
<p>Etc.</p>
<p>[Cross-posted with Katliamom, who has already thought through a lot of this stuff.]</p>
<p>I would have him take just gen ed courses next semester in areas he’s interested in - psych, a history course, foreign lang, I suggest classes that he experienced success with in HS. Let him spend the next semester thinking about a new major before actually picking one. I would also encourage him to continue with counseling.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>In addition to what Joan says, he may want to join more extracurricular activities. He will have more time now that he’s out of architecture, and it isn’t as easy to meet people in the dorms after first semester (a lot of cliques have already formed). So he needs other social outlets.</p>
<p>Architecture is brutal. When I was in college, we used to say that architecture majors slept only every second night. We didn’t know for sure because we never saw them. They were always holed up in their studios working on projects.</p>
<p>I would hope that your son can see that by eliminating the architecture classes that he would have more personal time to be social and explore clubs on his campus, and things would lighten up. Is there anything else going on that perhaps he is not telling you? Is he afraid of dipping below 2.0 or can he see that by picking different classes and eventually a different major, he can be successful? Does he feel that he “missed the boat” in regard to developing a social circle (ie: in regard to dating, having some close friends, Greek life etc.)?</p>
<p>Cross posted this with Marian’s post.</p>
<p>Would he have selected the university he now attends if not for the architecture program? Does he have an idea of what else he might want to major in and, if so, is his current university going to offer the options he wants?</p>
<p>Calmom makes a great point and maybe he should think about changing schools for next year if this school doesn’t have what he wants. If there are some other schools he might be interested in, he should check and take only courses that will get transfer credit. I still think gen ed courses are the way to go.</p>
<p>I suggest some gen ed courses and some courses that may lead into other majors that interest him.</p>
<p>Sometimes the same course can serve both purposes – for example, an introductory political science course could satisfy a general education requirement and also let him test out his interest in possibly majoring in political science. </p>
<p>But in other cases, the courses that lead into a major may not fulfill gen ed requirements. For example, if he’s thinking of switching to a business major, he might want to take an introductory general business or accounting course, but these are not likely to fulfill gen ed requirements.</p>
<p>Yes, son does have interests he can explore at his current school, so that’s not an issue. The school remains an academic fit; he can’t say whether it’s a social fit because he had NO social life of any kind in his first semester - as he ruefully reminds me. He says he made only 2 friends: his room mate, and a buddy of said room mate. </p>
<p>The issue is more about his self confidence – which he ALWAYS lacked – and his fear that he will find school just as overwhelming with architecture out of the picture. (The fact that he did OK in his other two classes doesn’t seem to cheer him up much.) </p>
<p>This has always been a kid with little self confidence and huge anxiety issues. In high school, also a history of gross under-performance. However nervous, he went to college really wanting to succeed. The fact that he didn’t has devastated him. </p>
<p>So that’s my dilemma: push in HOPES of him bouncing back - and reassessing in May? I think there is a chance that an easier schedule and a more satisfying social life will put him on a better track emotionally and academically. Or do we give in to his fears, and history of emotional issues now? FWIW he himself isn’t insistent about giving up… just very very fearful he will be miserable again.</p>
<p>Sounds like he’s in a tough place emotionally. It might help to give him something positive to focus on - family trip during spring break, a mini getaway over Presidents Weekend, family visit to campus. Might give him something to look forward to as a marker along the way to summer vacation. (And hopefully he’ll be having such a good time with his new friends that he won’t care too much about the activity.)</p>
<p>I think I would congratulate him and tell him one of the best ways to figure out what you do like is by finding out what you don’t like. And it is okay to find out now and tell you before it was too late.</p>
<p>I totally agree to take next semester and take an english/writing, a humanities, a social science, a science/math and maybe an elective of anything he wants to try. Let him be successful and see how it goes. Have him go see an advisor.</p>
<p>You want him to go there and have a good experience this next semester. Maybe he could be in contact with his ra and figure out how to reach out and have a better second semester.</p>
<p>So I gather the consensus is to continue pushing him towards returning to school.</p>
<p>My instinct with anxious people is to gently beam out a vibe that you have a deep, abiding confidence in them. “You can do this, I know you so well and you are so capable…” or “It’s going to be okay, I have that feeling…” rather than analyze each individual item that’s on his mind, or do a huge cheerlead. Yes, I’d encourage him gently back. “It will get better.” It just will.</p>
<p>
I’d like to suggest a variation on that one. If you do visit him on campus, don’t bother to go visit his dorm room, etc. It’s intrusive sometimes. Instead, use your time and money to take his mew friends out to lunch or dinner off-campus. My H did this a few times, and only in freshman year Spring term, and to good results. It was easy. He’d announce on a day or less notice that he’d be near campus (he travels). He’d offer son X number of lunch or dinner invitations at a very moderate restaurant, off-campus in walking distance, and to bring along some friends. Son could always round up 1-3 new-ish friends, someone he admired and wanted to know better or a friend that was just starting to develop. The magic is that S could initiate an invitation that almost always was a “yes” reply, and if not, he just kept asking until he filled up the bill.</p>
<p>My H is a good listener/facilitator. More importantly, he knows how to lighten up and be easy company. I did not go to these, so that helped keep the balance more collegiate, less a double-parent visit. Certainly no angst-y conversations about how S was faring. The purpose was to provide a break for all the students, and let them get to know each other in a refreshing situation. H knew that every college freshman will jump at the chance to eat off-campus on some other parent’s nickel, and they’d rather be with a parent not their own sometimes.</p>
<p>Nudge, don’t push. Encourage him to take an <em>easy</em> semester - sign up for courses that look interesting and fun, not too difficult. Fulfilling general ed requirements is a good idea – depending on the school requirements, that may also be an opportunity for some less demanding courses. Definitely sign up for a PE course – if it required to graduate, great – and if not, that at least guarantees that 2 or 3 days a week he gets to exercise his body rather than his mind in class. (Very good for alleviating feelings of stress and depression; even if your son is the nerdy type, there ought to be something available at his campus that looks like fun). </p>
<p>If you have to push rather than nudge… then maybe you really need to take a step back and listen. Your son may need more time to regroup-- and there may be more to his poor social life and lack of friends than the demands of his major. You might want to explore that more – my d. also worked so hard her first semester that she had no time for socializing, but I was able to look on her college web site and suggest specific clubs or activities she might be interested in. Following my suggestion, she went to a particular club meeting her spring semester – the club thing didn’t work out, but she met another student also there to check things out, they mutually agreed to leave early and go out for coffee… and that student became her best friend for the remainder of the year. So you never know.</p>
<p>But do try to listen with an open mind and ask gentle questions that will encourage your son to open up. The last thing you want is a kid who is so desperately unhappy at school that he become suicidal or becomes a substance abuser. I am not saying that your son is at risk for either – it’s just that it is important to really, truly listen to what he is trying to tell you. Let him know that you love and support him no matter what, and if he seems dead set on quitting school - or at least taking a break for the next semester – begin to explore what he would do instead.</p>
<p>The best decision my son ever made was to quit college after his second year, parental nagging aside. The best decision I ever made as a parent was to tell my school-quitting son that he needed to either be in school or get a job; sleeping all day on the living room sofa was not a long-term option. In my son’s case, I think the job he got was a life changer and definitely a boost to his self-esteem – he was promoted within 2 weeks on the job. Your son has been putting in a lot of effort into academics, only to get the message that he is not good enough – maybe if he puts in the same kind of effort for an employer, he’ll be given a different message about his self-worth. A job might also help him get a better sense of direction than school – if he thought he wanted to be an architect and now has to give up that dream, maybe he needs some real-world time to get a sense of direction before returning to school. I mean, maybe it just doesn’t seem that appealing to him to drop architecture in order to study poetry… and he needs some time to regroup before setting his sights on some alternative pre-professional course of study.</p>
<p>Katliamom, you said he’s afraid of being unsuccessful again. Is there a reason for him to believe he would be more successful somewhere else? Or would the same anxiety issues arise?</p>
<p>In other words, is the anxiety a general condition, or one specific to THIS college?</p>
<p>My instinct would be to encourage him to try one more semester, knowing he will be taking easier classes. Cliques aren’t set in stone this early in the college experience, by joining some clubs or an intramural sport - or even venturing out on the hall, now that he’s not up to his eyeballs in architecture projects - he may make new friends.</p>
<p>This is a tricky situation. You mention that he has a history of anxiety and his anxiety at the college level got to the point where it triggered migraines. You can’t simply tell someone with anxiety issues to tough it out—they can’t. For someone with diagnosed general anxiety (I don’t know if your son has been evaluated by a psychiatrist), it can be both emotionally and physically draining just to get through the day, let alone the semester.</p>
<p>You know your son best. If he’s panicking about the thought of going back for the Spring semester, what’s the harm in taking a leave of absence so he can regroup? If he does take a leave of absence, I would definitely make sure he gets a thorough mental health evaluation with a psychiatrist. If he is diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, he should spend this time getting treatment for his anxiety (counseling, medication, or a combo of both). Once the anxiety issues are under control, you should see an upward trend with his self-confidence level. </p>
<p>Trust what your gut is telling you. Sit down and talk with your son. Try to get him to open up about his feelings and fears. What does he want to do? Is he willing try to tough it out or would he rather spend the semester home undergoing treatment for his anxiety, hopefully gaining the tools needed to emotionally and academically succeed in the college setting in the fall?</p>
<p>Yes, my daughter isn’t excited about going back. She is not happy with her roommates and suitemates, they are very slobby and inconsiderate. The kitchen is always full of dirty dishes, the water pitcher is always empty and someone is always drinking the coke she buys. They stay up late and there are always people hanging out.
Her suitemates have been posting on facebook how much they miss school and can’t wait to get back. But my daughter has been loving her time at home, in her own bed, sleeping late, etc.
She will go back, but I think she will be very sad when I take her to the train.</p>