Hi I’d like some advice on how I can help my younger brother. (I apologize in advance for the long post) He is in his second semester as a freshman at a large public college. He is very friendly, and can usually strike up a conversation with anyone. He had a good group of friends in high school and many acquaintances. I was actually surprised when he wanted to go to a school that none of his friends were going to but I guess he wanted some independence.
Anyway, he is not doing well being away. He has not made one friend, he did get together with a girl who ended up being a “fatal attraction” type scenario (and I’m only slightly exaggerating that) even after switching dorms he cannot get away from her. So I feel like that also inhibits his ability to meet other people.
I have never known my brother to be a depressed person and he also was never one to reach out to family. But recently he has been asking us to visit and finally he came right out and said that he is feeling very sad and lonely.
My heart is breaking for him, how can I help him or what advice can I give? He is thinking of transferring out but wants to just finish this semester out. Idk if transferring will help but I’ve just told him to focus on his school work but he has over 3 months of school still and it’s not going to help quell any sadness. Any advice would be appreciated thank you.
I am so sorry to hear this. I would suggest that he visit the campus counseling office and talk to them. They are experienced with this sort of thing, I am sure.
Can he join a club or club sport? It would be an instant group of friends. Even someths ing just for fun like broomball or ultimate frisbee could be fun just once a week. Another thought is to get involved with something in his department. There might be a project to get involved with, or a professor who needs some help.
Yes, it’s a cliche, but joining a club or organization, or getting involved with a sport, is one of the best ways to meet people, especially for someone outgoing and friendly like your brother. Was he involved with any clubs or sports in high school?
You sound like a very caring and affectionate big sister – he’s lucky to have you! I agree that a visit, if you can swing it, would be a nice thing to do. As you say, he has to get through the next 3 months, and having a visit to look forward to might be a big help. If he’s intending to transfer he has to keep his grades up, remember.
You are a great big sister!!! Having someone like you who cares is probably really way more important than you even realize. You could keep in touch by texting, calling and visiting. If he is a Christian, getting connected with a faith group could be a good reminder of his blessings and help him fully rely on God.
Thank you everyone for all the suggestions it definitely made ME feel a little better! He was in sports in highschool but he wasn’t at a college level. I did suggest to him the clubs and right now he just seems so down that he wasn’t interested. So I am calling his counseling center on Monday and hopefully they can help. I’m afraid he waited to say anything till it was too much for him and I just didn’t pick up on it prior. And yes a visit is a great idea! Thank you.
I doubt the counseling center will really talk to you. Due to HIPPA constraints, they can really only deal with the patient directly. They might listen to what you have to say, but hard to say if they would act. You probably can find out what services are available and how he would make an appointment if he wanted to, though.
I agree that the best time to make new friends is first semester freshman year, and he used that time on the dead-end GF instead. So he needs to “reboot” and find some new activities. Is he interested in theater or newspaper? Those are a couple of campus groups that always need a hand. Or volunteering, as mentioned above – helping organizers of some big event on campus is a way to spend time with people and get to know them.
IMO there are a couple of courses of action necessary. The first is to be interacting with him to help him thorough his gloom, text’s, phone calls, emails etc. He needs to be brought to a place where he understands that he has to take initiative to change these circumstances. He has to put himself out there, clubs, dorm activities, sporting events, cultural events and so on.
A visit would be great but only if it doesn’t create a real downer for him when you leave. If you were to visit soon I would establish in some way that you were going to assist him in seeing what activities are available to him, I would go to different events with him. I wouldn’t have be a lot of alone time with just the two of you, that may just drive him deeper into further despair.
I hate hearing about instances such as this. It should be the time of his life. Your a great sister, wishing you and he good luck!
One last point: I know he feels like he’s the only one feeling this way, but many students experience a steep sense of letdown after the first semester. They were told going to college was going to be ‘the time of his life.’ Turns out, it’s just life, same as always. When they realize that they aren’t going to be BFF with the room-mate - or even anyone in their dorm - that they are working harder than they expected for the same grades, that meeting people ‘like them’ requires more effort than they’d anticipated - there is an inevitable sense of disappointment. Many think its because they chose the wrong school and need to transfer. Sometimes that’s true. Often, they just had unrealistic expectations and they think everyone else is having a blast except them. If that little bit of perspective can motivate him to do as others have suggested in the responses above, he will in all likelihood have found his niche by the end of the year.
One more piece of advice for a caring sister (or parent): Kids call home and vent. Everything is awful. Then they go off and forget they called. Meanwhile, you are in a sweat of anxiety over the poor kid. Who has forgotten that he just unloaded a ton of negative emotions on you, and has gone off to play. So don’t over-react to the sadness. Acknowledge it. Ask what campus resources exist to deal with the problem. Ask how he is going to use those resources to fix the situation. And then let him be the grown-up he needs to become by taking the initiative. An yes, a visit is always comforting.