<p>In the case of our boys, they have had the same core group of friends since around the age of 10, mostly cemented through sports teams. Those friendships have been enduring. Both went to colleges where they knew a number of friends from high school and felt that was a good decision. </p>
<p>S1’s school has a Greek-dominated culture, which he knew was a negative for him when he chose the school. Every one of his high school friends did join a frat, while he remained firm in his decision to opt out (despite heavy pressure during rush). While he has been socially active and remains close to his high school buddies (shared an apartment with this group last year), he felt his decision not to belong to a frat created an uncrossable dividing line in terms of developing a deeper friendship with fraternity members; he did not identify with students who had opted out of frat life. He therefore socialized on a fairly surface level only. He is overseas this semester and has had no problems with a smooth social transition at his college there.</p>
<p>So much time and effort is spent trying to find the right “fit”, but realistically, who knows? You do the best you can to match up, but I guess it’s not until they get there will you really find out. It does seem, however that it’s beneficial to giving it some time.</p>
<p>Like many kids, there are so many things to weigh: he wants diversity, a smallish school, but not tiny, challenging academics, but not ridiculous, social scene but not big party school, not in state, but not too far, and financially…that’s another story!</p>
<p>My D has been at her university for two weeks and in classes for one week. She’s done so much; met people, joined two EC’s, been to a party, gone into the city, done well in classes so far, etc. So the worst of the “should I transfer” doubt seems to be subsiding. At first, she talked about transferring to a school close to our house (she’ s 3,000 miles away). But the school she might transfer to isn’t easy to get into as a transfer, and it wouldn’t solved the basic problem of wanting to feel as surrounded by close friends as she did last year. But she still has this feeling of letdown because she hasn’t really <em>clicked</em> with anyone in particular. She has made friends, but the main group she likes all live near each other in another dorm, and although she’s had people respond to invitations to go to dinner together or activities, she still feels like she’s doing most of the initiating, and so she feels lonely. Her first couple of years in high school were not great socially for various reasons- and she’s very extroverted so that was hard for her. I agree that there seems to be this expectation/hope that close friends will happen right away, and this accompanying fear that if they don’t, then she’s doomed to spend her college years feeling lonely. I wonder if it’s a feature of this generation? I remember being homesick and lonely at that age, but not so much the feeling of “why haven’t I found my best friend yet?” Maybe it’s a result of having play dates arranged and activities fostered growing up, as opposed to when I was growing up, when my parents pretty much left me to wander the neighborhood in search of other kids (?). She did admit that what she’s feeling isn’t about the school itself- that it’s a need in her to feel like she belongs. It’s very hard for me to hear though, when she’s upset late at night because her roommate is out yet again, and the friends she likes are all hanging out in another dorm, and she wants so much to be invited over, yet doesn’t have any energy left for putting herself out there in hopes of being wanted. Then morning comes and it all feels manageable again :).</p>
<p>Does she just walk over to the other dorm. Is there no one her dorm she likes? </p>
<p>She needs to just go to where her friends are. THey just walk down the hal and see each other, so D may just have to be the one to make the effort for awhile. Mohamaad to the mountain.</p>
<p>This thread is a great reminder to us parents to let our kids know that not all will necessarily be so wonderful when they start the next chapter of their lives. Most freshman feel lonely those first couple of weeks/months. I felt that way when I moved to a new city and started a new job after college as well. When you get a job transfer with your family, you may feel a bit isolated those first couple of months. It all takes time. That is part of adapting to change. Sometimes you may change your mind about your choices - that is part of life as well. But you have to give it a chance and then decide. We are setting our kids up for diappointment if we don’t at least mention they may not feel a part of it all in the beginning.</p>
<p>My son also went South to UMiami right out of HS. It was his first choice school. He wasn’t unhappy just not really finding his niche, like your daughter. he loved it at first and then found out that a lot of the kids were pretty superficial and self centered and it wasn’t easy to find genuine friends. He finally did meet his best friend and had some good times the end of Sophomore year but had been talking about transferring so often that he decided to do it second semester Juinor year. He transferred to the exact opposite school, a state school in upstate NY. He is finding the people much nicer and supportive yet there are things he misses about Miami. He is happy that he transferred overall because he likes the fact that he is getting a whole different take on the undergrad experience and getting to meet different kinds of people. </p>
<p>It’s a tough decision. I’m sure your daughter will figure it out as time goes on.</p>
<p>Agreed she needs to go to the mountain so to speak, for a while, and she’s been good about doing that. It’s just that hard first stage when meeting up needs to be initiated and she’s not sure of the response, like any new friendships- I wish she’d had the added advantage of girls she likes right down the hall, but that didn’t happen. She requested an all-freshman dorm, but is in a mixed dorm and most of the people on her floor are sophomores, and thus already engaged in their own social and academic whirlwinds. It’s not the end of the world, but it did factor into the transfer question, until she realized she’d be at a new school as the new kid, all over again, and that would defear the whole point. She also really, really wishes her school were closer to home, that she could pick it up and plonk it down in our area, but other than that, it’s a great fit for her, so I am encouraging her to not think about transferring, since it only keeps her from fully engaging in being there, at least until she comes home for winter break.</p>
<p>I had one who was also not a joiner and it took a little time (and superhuman effort) to find a niche. You should encourage (without micromanaging) any efforts at breaking out of her comfort zone- volunteering for something (one day Habitat For Humanity events are really good for this- physical activity, like-minded kids, good snacks…) or signing up for a committee to organize an event (the winter coat drive? toiletries for a women’s shelter?). These events come and go, so if she doesn’t love the crowd, she can move on once the event is over (unlike joining a performance group where you’re sort of stuck seeing the same people at rehearsals for a whole year.)</p>
<p>Are there other students at her job??? Does she need to get a ride or carpool to get there? These are low impact ways of starting to connect with other people for kids who are not naturally joiners.</p>
<p>My son decided to transfer within a few months after starting his freshman year at an urban university. It was a bad match–his guidance counselor knew him well and had pushed him towards small, suburban LAC’s, but he didn’t take her advice. (She was right and that’s where he finally ended up.) Unfortunately he was so unhappy freshman year that it affected his grades, and he had to take a big step down quality-wise when he transferred. Schools that would have accepted him out of high school wanted no part of him. He also lost credits as the result of the transfer and ended up taking night classes during the summer at the local branch of our state university in order to catch up–that cost money. He was content at the school he transferred to, but I think he always felt he was at a second-rate institution. </p>
<p>My advice to any parent whose freshman is in any way contemplating a transfer is to stress the importance of keeping those grades very high so the transfer options will be attractive ones.</p>
<p>My d transferred after her sophmore year. Socially, it takes her awhile to get comfortable. It took her a full semester at her second school to fit in and make friends. Transferring can be tough socially a lot of social groups are already formed and it’s tough for some to join.
After one semester however, she is happy. It’s not that she started at the wrong school, a small LAC was what she needed at 18, but within a year she settled on a major and knew it meant transferring to be competitive.</p>
<p>Ithaca is even providing a small merit scholarship, so the switch will not be as expensive as I had feared (we were paying OOS for South Carolina).</p>
<p>Best wishes to your D and you, Fendrock. It sounds like a similar move to the one my D made. I hope it works out well, and congrats on the scholarship!</p>
<p>Yes, we were pleased, and these funds were available even though she applied at the very last minute (we had to FedEx everything for the transfer deadline, which itself had been extended by two weeks).</p>
<p>Glad your D will be moving to a school that hopefully will fit her better. I transferred after my freshman year & was very happy, tho it was a pretty big adjustment from living at home while attending in-state flagship U to going to out-of-state public U & living in upperclassmen dorm. </p>
<p>My D applied to transfer after her 1st semester of CC & started in Jan of her sophomore year.</p>
<p>For both of us, the transition was a lot smoother than we had anticipated & both of us had no regrets! Good luck to your D & may her transfer be a wonderful experience!</p>
<p>Good luck to her fendrock! My freshman D2 has also decided to transfer for next year. The original school had appeared to be a good fit for her but athletic and school culture were not right for her and she recognized this in the first semester. She is on a full COA scholarship so she has stuck out the year. She was accepted at a school close to home and was very lucky to receive a nice transfer academic scholarship. We agree that she has made a smart move.</p>
<p>Its nice to know that these kids were able to sort things out and move forward in a positive way. Congrats to her fendrock!</p>