So this is kind of personal but I really need some outsider opinions.
My best friend decided to not apply to colleges despite wanting to go. I’m moving to another state for college in less than two weeks. My friends mental health is spiraling (Multiple personalities), he’s been lashing out at me being terrible and then forgetting completely the next day. He seems to hate me for leaving.
I honestly see no way I can maintain the friendship. It’s causing me so much stress and it’s making me feel horrible. This is my best friend, but I don’t think I can do it. I understand the mental health is making him this way, personally I’ve suffered from some issues of my own (BPD) which is another reason I don’t think I can keep going on this way. He sometimes brings out the worst in my mental health, and since I’m already putting myself in a position to become stressed, I don’t think that this is even safe for me. But he stuck with me during my worst, shouldn’t I with him?
Other friends I’ve mentioned this to seem to think I’m selfish for wanting to leave. My parents are urging me to cut contact. I just don’t know what to do. Am I horrible for wanting to end the friendship?
I haven’t been in your exact situation, but I will say, without explaining too much, that I’m currently recovering from having been cut off by two of my closest friends due to my own unstable behavior.
But you know what? I still say it’s okay to leave. This may be a controversial opinion, but I think people have every right to end a friendship with someone who is unstable. It doesn’t even have to mean you don’t care about the person; it just means you know what the right decision is, even if it’s hard. I give my friends a lot of credit for essentially saying, "We want what’s best for you, and right now our friendship is not one of those things.
Again, it’s going to hurt, but maybe finding some way for you guys to have a final conversation will help you get closure. I finally managed to convince my own friends to engage in an email exchange (in which I said my peace and then they said theirs), and their final words to me were, and I quote:
“In the end, although this was painful for all involved, we hope that you can take this experience and learn from it.”
And honestly? That’s all either of you can do right now.
I agree with Philpsych. If this friendship has became toxic to you (and I think the hostility your friend displays towards you, which then leads to you being stressed and fearing for your own mental health, counts as toxic), you have every right and reason to end it. As much as you may want to stick with your friend and help them get through this, it sounds like you are in over your head. And that’s okay.
Maybe just be too busy to hang out for the next 2 weeks and then you’re gone anyway.
But if he’s your best friend, maybe you owe it to him to talk about things. My guess is that he’s really bummed out that his best friend is leaving the state. He’s probably envisioning life without you in it and that might be hard for him. He sees you going off and making new friends while he gets left in the dust.
You have to do what’s right for you so I don’t think you should feel guilty for going to school out of state.
Seeing as you are best friends, do you think you can have a heart to heart talk about what’s going on?
I realize this is easy to say and hard to do, but what about continuing the friendship with some very firm boundaries. For example, you do not have to listen to rants from your friend for hours at a time. You do not have to answer the phone at any hour of the day or night. You can tell you friend that you want to be friends, but you are not healthy enough yourself to serve as a counselor or parent or other role. Then if the friendship goes outside those boundaries, you can just say you have to leave/get off the phone/stop texting, Do this kindly and consistently. God bless you for caring about your friend.
Your friends are wrong. You can’t live your life to please other people. What would they have you do? Live with your parents forever because it would make their lives easier? That’s unrealistic. I think Dougsey is wrong too. You’re not a therapist. Your friend needs more help than you can give him.
I’m sorry your friend is ill. However, he’s not your responsibility. You need to let his family take care of him. I think your parents are right that cutting contact is probably best for you, but there are ways to accomplish it that are hurtful and ways that aren’t.
Having a conversation to explain why you’re dropping someone is hurtful. Letting them drift away isn’t. The way to accomplish that is to quit talking about dropping him to your other friends. Be too busy to see him if he wants to get together before you leave. (Don’t give excuses if he calls to ask to get together. Just say you can’t make it.) Don’t talk about going away to college in front of him (or any kid who may not be able to afford to go away).
When you’re at college, get involved there. I wouldn’t encourage any student to call or text kids from home their freshman year because I think it can interfere with their ability to build relationships at the school. When you’re home for breaks, don’t initiate contact, and be busy if he calls. To truly break contact, you may need to limit how much you see mutual friends when you go home. That will be easier if you get a job. Then you can socialize with your coworkers. Listen to your parents and do what’s best for your own mental health.
From the sounds of it, your friend really needs to be getting professional help. If he isn’t seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist, strongly encourage him to do so. Remember that seeing a family doctor is not enough when someone has serious mental health issues. If he is getting professional help from a psychologist or psychiatrist, he needs to make it clear to his psychologist that he is struggling. Friends cannot replace expert help, but they can encourage the person who is suffering to seek out that help. You should not be trying to deal with your friend’s mental health issues.
Are there aspects of your friend’s mental health that his parents or others around him are not aware of? If you have information that others around him (parents, other friends, a pastor if you guys go to church) need to know, you need to share that information.
But, I agree with the others that you cannot give up going to college in this situation. Either be “too busy” or only see him in very limited situations where you can end the interaction quickly if he becomes abusive.
@austinmshauri Gonna disagree with the notion that not having a conversation about ending the friendship is going to hurt less. Again, as someone who was on the other side of this, my final conversation with my friends not only gave me closure, but it also helped spark a game plan for how I could improve and, as my friends said, learn from the experience.
@Philpsych, OP isn’t a counselor, they have their own issues, their parents think it’s best if they end it, the friend is getting abusive, and OP feels it’s more than they can handle. I agree. There’s nothing OP can say or do to help.
Go to college, OP, and don’t feel guilty about leaving your friend behind. You cannot make him better. It is his parents’ job with help from mental health professionals.
As the mother of a severely mentally ill person, I agree with jupiter98. It’s hard even for PARENTS to deal with ill people! It’s too much to expect of a young adult. Don’t feel guilty.
@austinmshauri Your reply was incredibly helpful in all the right ways. Every little thing I was feeling or questioning was all wrapped up in one reply. Thank you for that. I think drifting apart is best, because I am just not a professional and cannot be his support system. He has parents, family, and medical professionals.
My parents are advising me to change my number because he sends texts all day and they’re worried that he’ll emotionally manipulate me that way. Is that too extreme?
@WeROutsiders, No, it’s not too extreme. Trust your instincts, and trust your parents too. They want what’s best for you. When they get home today ask them to take care of changing the number and don’t share it with anyone – that includes your other local friends. It won’t stay private if you give it out. Be aware that if you call or text them, your number will show up on their phones. If they’re going to call you selfish and try to guilt you into not going to college, I’d let them drift away too. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good.
Please check in with your parents now and then when you’re in college. If you need help, visit your school counseling center (program their contact info. into your phone before you go). And tell your parents right away if you need help. You should be looking forward to going away to school. It’s an exciting time. Good luck.
I applaud you for speaking to the ways in which you, too, have struggled with issues, giving you both empathy and a clear understanding that in order to stabilize and to maintain that position, reaching out (as you have here, but truly with professionals) for help is the only way to right oneself.
No, you are in no way responsible for your friend’s well-being, and your friend must learn to take care of self before he can even begin to understand the ways in which he has been tearing down all the connective tissue in his relationships.
Time and healing will help the two of you determine if you can be in each others’ lives again. I have been the friend who stuck by and who supported, and I have seen the wonderful ways in which the other’s life can get back on track and bloom, having them reach all sorts of milestones, even as we are reaching our own milestones.
I want you to know that with the right help, and with a full commitment to the treatment and therapies, your friend can be well again. But putting him on the path (and keeping him there) to wellness is not your job.
Your health and wellness are your chief concern.
A geographic space between the two of you will not end the emotional closeness you once had, but the spiraling mental illness can kill it.
I agree with @austinmshauri that you are not responsible for your friend’s well being and that you need to take care of yourself by breaking contact. I totally disagree with the advice for freshman not to call or text friends from home their freshman year because it can limit their ability to form relationships at school. I believe that students can form new relationships while maintaining old ones. That said, this is not one you should continue. Also, as an aside, true dissociative disorder ( multiple personality disorder) is pretty rare. It’s hard to determine if he truly doesn’t remember or just doesn’t want to take responsibility for his actions. You need to take care of you, and let his family take care of him.
@carolinamom2boys Sometimes I’m really not sure if they truly have dissociative or not. I mean they say they do, they go to a psychiatrist, but short of me sitting in on his appointments it’s just not possible for me to know for sure. He seems to remember things when it’s convenient for him and it feels like it’s some con sometimes. Like if I say that I am going to a concert, he’ll suddenly remember and want to go too. I don’t really know what to think sometimes.
@WeROutsiders That’s why I said dissociative disorder is not common. People’s mannerisms , voice, behaviors change dramatically. Whether he truly has it or not is not important. Taking care of yourself is what you should focus on. Good luck at school. And people see psychiatrist for a variety of reasons including personality disorders.
@carolinamom2boys You’re right. Thanks for the good wishes. 