I know this is a bit long but please help me out!
I am a freshmen at college, and my first semester is almost over. The problem is I don't have any friends in college. I live in a dorm where most people are upperclassmen (Sophomores, Juniors, and Seniors) and are never around. I just know a few people who never call or contact me in any way. I feel very lonely and depressed; I cannot help but envy everyone in campus walking around with friends. This is crushing me. I just cannot help but hate my life. I even went to counselling sessions but I don't know if they work. Also, they are only once a week. Most people I've talked to just tell me to go out and talk to people or join a club or two. But it's not that easy. I did talk to a few people I met at a college event. I even tried to contact them (call or text them), but I cannot get them to contact me or involve me in their social group. I am the only one who calls and texts them and they never initiate contact. Then after trying very hard, I just gave up because I thought I looked desperate. All I want is a group of friends. I'd love nothing more than people just calling or texting me from time to time. So, my question is how do I make friends? How do I get a Social Circle? How do I get people to contact me?
Even in school, I had very few friends in school, who very rarely contacted me. I always thought college would be a fresh start, but it's all the same. And because of failing so many times I have lost all my confidence. I don't know what to do. Maybe, you can help me by telling me how you made friends in college or what is the first thing you'd do to make friends in the middle of the semester? Or how would you become a part of a social circle without looking desperate or awkward?
All righty. Only reason I asked is that I noticed you had once asked about EA/ED at the school I attend, and I can give more specific advice for that school, but anywhere will do, really!
I had a very lonely freshman year as well. Things that helped were 1. getting familiar with the people in my classes, which happens naturally over time; 2. joining clubs and organizations for something to do; and 3. keeping busy with my classes. It’s probably a tired question at this point, but have you joined any clubs? Active ones, ones that are small enough to get to know the other people but big enough to have a good selection, can be really helpful. I joined my school’s book club, which is discussion-based and reveals a lot about the members’ personalities. Do you like sports? Could join a club team / intramural team. What about volunteering? I volunteer at the local animal shelter and it’s basically the highlight of my week. Or could you (probably for next semester, at this point in the fall) pick up a low-hour part-time job to meet people?
Think about clubs and groups. Swing dancing club is a fun club that encourages conversation! Pick something outside your major interest—art, music, foreign language, etc. Commit to organize something or run a small project. You’ll have a reason to contact people and show your competency. Study in the lounge or library—not your room. It takes time, but you will do it!
Thanks, I will do that. But, I have another problem. How do I strike up conversation with people I don’t know and get them to invite me with their social group? Or how do I become friends with a few people or one person and get them to introduce me to their friends? This is the main concern I am having.
To get close enough to become a close friend, you should try spending a lot of time, one on one or in a small group , with that person. But wouldn’t we already be friends then? Usually, but there’s some things you can try. Look for opportunities.
For example, lab classes. Find one with partner/ small group activities. During the class, be friendly. Greet outside of class. Wanna grab a bite sometime? Hey wanna study? Oh you are in that class too? Hey have you heard xxx professors… gonna sign up for this class
Or, as mentioned, small clubs. Be active, join in. Best if the club is very involved and requires outside research / participation. Wanna research together? I’m a bit new, could you show me this afternoon ? … Some really small clubs have basically everyone as friends and that is a friend circle you can enter more readily in. For example, clubs that want to enter a robot competition, enter some coding competition etc. Its especially good (brownie points) if they do things as club in other places, like taking a trip to a tournament at Northwestern or something. In a trip, bonding can occur dramatically faster because you spend way more time together.
Some people don’t really want new friends. You’ll figure it out if they keep on denying your invitations (~3 and stop trying). If so, move on. Their loss. Make friends with someone else.
Good luck! If you keep on trying, it’ll work out. Never, Never lose hope. Once you do, it’s the end.
That is exactly what I am trying to do. But the biggest problem is finding a group of people I can hang out with. Or even a single person or a small group. I live in a dorm where people are never around, and in class it’s almost impossible to make friends. Also, how do I make them want to hang out with me? This part is also very tricky because they already have friends and thus have no reason to reach out to someone who they just met and if i keep calling them regularly(maybe twice or thrice per week), I look desperate. I am telling this because when I met a few people during an event, I contacted them a few times but they never contacted me. I even asked them to call me when the meet next time, but they didn’t. I kept texting them for about 2 weeks, then i just gave up.
I read this post and I’m also wondering how things are going. I will share with you that because of texting and social media, people seem not to be reaching out to others or even looking up to make small talk. They seem to be stuck in their same social circles and even texting friends and family back home. I’ve noticed this trend with older adults as well. I’m not sure if you are religious/spiritual, but sometimes an interfaith group on campus has some of the most empathetic, thoughtful and inclusive students you can find and they have potluck suppers, movie nights and outings and tend not to be “partiers”. If you keep trying, you will get there. Don’t give up. I do hope you have made some friends and are hanging in there. Freshman year is a challenge (and almost over) and I am sure you will get the hang of things and you find your niche.