I’m a junior and am living with my best friends at college. One of them, “Mary” and I have lived together since freshman year. The other, “Ann,” and I lived together last year and this year. Mary has been my close friend since freshman year and the three of us were a trio of best friends last year. Ann and I had a small spat over cleaning our common room last year, but we resolved it when I realized that her leaving her stuff all over the communal spaces was normal to her and I interpreted as not respecting her roommates. I’ve come to accept the mess as part of her personality, and moved on. The three of us were still very close afterwards - we repaired the relationship after the minor tension. I’ve never had an issue with Mary before, she’s a very dependable and level-headed person.
Ann stopped talking to me out of the blue when we got back to school in August. I talked to her about it, and she claimed that I was passive aggressive every time she tried to talk to me so she just gave up. I told her that I’d work on it (even though I did not and do not think I was acting so) but that friendship is a two way street, and have been going out of my way to be perfectly cordial to her at all times since. Ann had started talking to me again, and I was relieved that things were getting back to normal.
So that’s the background out of the way.
My problem as of late is that the two of them started to exclude me from everything. I totally understand that people drift apart and it was natural for them to become close since they’re the same major and I’m not, but it still makes me sad to be on the outs. What really gets me is that they actively try to hide that they’re excluding me by lying to me about hanging out. I almost expected this from Ann since we’ve had our (minor) issues, but things were improving, we were regaining a sense of normalcy when I started noticing their sneaking and scheming. I really feel betrayed since Mary has been joining in on the lying. Not knowing what caused this sudden change is eating me up. I’m conflicted because I want to know why and want to resolve it since I really valued their friendship, but I don’t want to be “friends” with people who lie to me.
I guess I’m posting here because I need advice and I can’t turn to my best friends for it since they’re the ones I need advice about. I’m planning on talking to Mary since she’s much more even-keeled and more likely to take my questions/ comments well. But I am looking for other opinions.
- Should I talk to them and address their behavior directly?
- If so, how would you go about approaching them?
- Any advice on how to act once I know the reason/ that there is no reason?
I suppose I should list a couple examples to demonstrate. These two are just a couple of the ten or so incidences I know of, I might have taken a while to catch on to their antics so there very well could be more.
- Our bigger friend group threw a party at their house. Mary and Ann left our house at different times claiming to be going studying and to sorority events. I find out later that they were going to our friend’s house to help set up and hang out.
- Tonight, Mary claimed to be going to get ice cream with a friend from a club she does. Later, she and Ann arrived home with our larger friend group. Turns out they were all out at a nearby bar.
At this point I almost don’t care that they’re excluding me, it just really bothers me that they don’t respect me enough to not lie. Even saying nothing at all would be better than lying at this point. Though it does really hurt to be left out regardless of the lying.
This whole situation is so high school and stupid/ petty, you’d think we’d be mature enough by junior year to treat others with basic respect
One of my kids rebuilt her friend group completely partway through college. The other had quite a bit of natural “drift” from friends early in college to new friends. You can’t MAKE people be friends with you, and roommates don’t always end up being friends. I’m suspecting that they (1) didn’t really want to invite you, and (2) didn’t want to have an argument about it. I’d say you should continue to be polite, but start seeking out your own friend group outside the roommates.
You could also be upfront and let them know that you are aware that they are spending time with each other.
Let them know that they can be honest.
“Look, I know you are hanging together but you really don’t have to lie about it. You are both in the same major and it’s natural that you will have mutual activities. I’m just disappointed that you feel you have to lie, but I get that you are doing it to not hurt my feelings. Just to let you both know that I’m a big girl and I can handle it.”
Then, deal with it and move on.
I’m sorry this is happening to you.
My son learned during his growing up years prior to college to always spread himself around. He keeps multiple friends from all different aspects of his life and makes a true effort to spread himself around. I always say, “Be prepared so that when one friend group goes south, you’ve got another.”
Good luck and focus on your other friends. Based on my own experience with women, the less you show your roommates you care and do your own thing, they are more likely to move on and stop their games.
Thanks everyone!
I am going to talk to them, but focus more on ending the lying than somehow trying to patch up the friendship.
I have been reaching out to my other friends to reconnect ever since Mary and Ann started excluding me, so I’ll redouble those efforts! I do have other friends since I’m involved in athletics and work on campus, I’ll just have to work harder at getting those relationships from close acquaintances to closer friends!
I agree that you can’t make them be friends with you or include you. It’s fine to say “I know you’re hanging out together snd I can handle it. It feels really awkward when you aren’t truthful about it, so you don’t have to hide it from me.” I would not suggest why you think they are close or do anything to persuade them to include you. Your strategy to get friendlier with others is likely to have the best outcome for everyone.
Fwiw, lots of friend groups shift over the 4 years of college for all kinds of reasons. It can be painful when it happens in a way you didn’t choose. Learning to move on gracefully and without burning bridges is an important life lesson (and one you’ll be perfecting for the rest of your life!) There are always reasons for people to leave your orbit as well as come back into it.
I really like your “voice” and suspect that your candor and willingness to lay hands upon that which is troubling you in your relationships is a double-edged sword at times.
When people are valuing you and holding you near, those characteristics seem a strength and coirage some may find refreshing and admirable.
When people are feeling that they wish to avoid looking the hard thing in the eye and dissecting it, your inclination to want consensus in resolution is probably seen less favorably. At these times, try to temper any insistence in your approach, leaving the door open for the other person to remember they can trust you enough to be honest with you.
Hope it works out for you in the healthiest - and happiest - way.
I agree with the advice above. One question - Do you ask them where they are going or do they just tell you? Do consider and evaluate if you are doing any passive aggressive things now. Then find many more different people to also spend time with.
Unfortunately many times when there are three female roommates there is a tendency for two to exclude one. Do not put all your eggs in one basket. Definitely start finding other friend groups stat. Don’t try to catch these two in lies and do not ask them where they are going. Just be friendly and open but do your own thing. What about others in the bigger friend group? Relationships in college fluctuate especially with those who are in classes together vs not , those back at the apartment or dorm at the same time vs not, those in the same clubs and activities vs not. Don’t let it bother you. I know you want an answer but it is not likely you’ll get it. Dive into the athletic and work friends and see if those go deeper over time
@TQfromtheU I don’t normally ask, I don’t want to seem overbearing, plus it’s none of my business. I am just letting go and moving on. Thanks for the advice!