<p>Hello. :) I have not posted in this forum before, but I have browsed the threads in here and seen some very useful advice given, so hopefully you guys will have some light to shed on this.</p>
<p>Basically, my friend is set to attend UC Riverside in the fall, and his mother pretty much demands that he drive back home each weekend. We live in Los Angeles county, so driving back and forth is not really the problem - my friend is concerned about missing out on the whole college experience and that he will most likely dislike coming home. I understand why his mother would make such a request, though - her older daughter (and only other child) is currently a freshman at UC Davis, which is hours away from here. Her husband is deceased, so now she only has her son (my friend) by her side. However, it seems that she is lumping her daughter and son together when thinking about their college plans. I was told that she thinks that the situation is pretty good, in that she has one child out to explore and one child by her side.</p>
<p>On top of this, my friend is upset because he got rejected from UC Berkeley. If he had gotten accepted, he would go there no matter what, despite the restrictions his mother may wish to put on. He did get accepted into other UCs, but decided on UCR because only Cal and UCR have the major he plans to pursue. He also seems to be feeling a bit resentful that his sister got to go far away, according to him "without guilt" because she knew that her mother still has him to keep him company. He now feels that he has this sort of burden on him. It is not that either of them wants to stay away from home; they just need to be able to chase after their goals, academic or not.</p>
<p>I know he really would start to hate going home if he has to do so every weekend. He wants the opportunity to make it on his own, to have a better chance at a social life. He wants to be able to actually miss his mom, to be happy when he goes home, instead of thinking "oh, it is just another weekend." He wants to go away and risk not being okay than stay home and play it safe. I know he is technically not staying home, but he feels that he would be stuck here by coming back each weekend, especially since most of our friends will be gone and trying new things. He feels left out that he would not really get the chance to do the same. He said that his mother does not seem to understand that he needs and wants to grow as a person, and that he would feel inhibited to do so if he has to keep on coming back home.</p>
<p>I wish I could help him, because I obviously want him to be happy. I would very much appreciate it if you have any advice to give. Thank you for your time! :)</p>
<p>In our case the restrictions are from the other side. We are not allowed to go and visit him. Not allowed to send him food. Not allowed to call him more than once a day, and that also after 9:00 p. m.. Not allowed to ask him when he slept.</p>
<p>But the easy solution for your friend is to humor her mother for now. It is no use of trying to create conflict so early in the game. Then follow once or twice then start streching by giving excuses - lots and lots of home work, team projects, foot ball game etc etc.</p>
<p>Yes, I agree. Maybe for a month or two, he comes home every, or nearly every weekend. Then he comes home 2 or 3 times a month. Then he dials it back to just once or twice a month. He might never totally get away, but I think that he can wean himself away from his mother. Plus, who knows--once he leaves, his mother might discover that she enjoys her freedom. </p>
<p>Perhaps, however, if your friend can talk to his mother rationally about this, explain his feelings, and offer a compromise right away (two times a month, for example), he will discover that she is really not as intractable as he thinks.</p>
<p>^It is not that far away, only about an hour's drive, but the thing is, he does not want to come back every weekend. And to clarify, it is not that he is adamant about staying away from his mother - he just wants the opportunity to make it on his own, which includes NOT seeing his mother for a while and depending on himself. :]</p>
<p>Those are good points. I'll tell him to just humor her for a while. I have asked him whether she would be okay with his going home every other weekend or even once a month, though, and he said that it is not something he can bargain... I have also brought up the obvious alternatives of just calling everyday or perhaps even letting her see him on webcam, but then he said that his sister set a great example by not calling home often, and when she does, she calls him rather than their mother.</p>
<p>Hopefully his mother is just feeling very attached and with time, could accept that he will not be home as much. But it still bothers me how she considers her two children as almost one entity regarding their college plans - the first one is really far away, so the second one will have a distance limit AND must come home every weekend. It really is not fair to him.</p>
<p>Thanks for the advice! Any more is certainly welcome. :)</p>
<p>Maybe he should compromise and agree to come home on Saturdays. Or on Sundays. It's a little restrictive of the mother to demand weekly visits, but I think that visiting would be a nice thing for the son to do, for her sake. Try to put yourself in the mother's shoes?</p>
<p>I'm assuming your friend is planning on a Biz major. If so, he might think about staying home and attending a local juco (with an honors program) and transferring to Cal. There is a huge difference in a degree from Haas, then one from UCR-Biz. Also, unfortunately, UCR has a bit of a commuter reputation, moreso than other UCs.</p>
<p>CGM was reading my mind--your friend just needs to make up plausible excuses that give good reasons--needing to use the library, a group project, a professor wanting students to attend a guest lecture or presentation, etc.</p>
<p>If your friend wants to help the mom deal with the separation--perhaps just go home for a few hours on Sunday??? and then just go back to campus at dinner time because of a morning class on MOnday?</p>
<p>He ought to start now to help his mother develop new interests. Perhaps he could volunteer by her side before he goes away to college in an organization which he thinks might interest her. Once she becomes involved in her own life she will miss him less when he is away. It sounds like she needs a sense of purpose to me. Maybe she could become a big sister within the Big Brothers, Big Sisters organization. Other ideas might include, volunteering in some capacity at a local school, a book club, cooking club, library volunteer, food shelter, church nursery, planned parenthood, museum docent, children's home helper, heritage organization, garden club, masonic organization or even a health or walking group. The idea would be to help her meet new friends and develop some new interests. Good luck :)</p>
<p>UCR is very much a comuter school. If the student starts off going home in the beginning, he is going to have a more difficult time "bonding" with the students that stay over the weekends. My son's school has lots of local students. They recommend that the students stay on campus until the first break, usually 4 weeks into the semester. Maybe if the student promises to call every Sunday at a set time. Or agrees to meet mom for brunch in Monterey Park (can't think of a place off 10 freeway) in a couple of weeks. Or send a daily email. I encourage the student not to come home so soon. It is easy to become homesick, running home every weekend will make it difficult to become part of the community.<br>
As a mom, I know it is tough to miss your child, but I rather my son be part of a new community and have a new home.</p>
<p>bluebayou: Yes, he is planning on a Business major. While I think that is a very good suggestion, I doubt that he would want to stay home and attend a junior college, because one of his desires is to get the whole living in a dorm experience and to not stick around here. :]</p>
<p>citygirlsmom & boysx3: I'll definitely pass those words on. I'm sure he'll have activities to tend to anyway, and hopefully his mom will understand. I am thinking that however unreasonable my friend is making his mother seem, she is just worrying and thinking too much about this ahead of time.</p>
<p>collegemom16: Thank you for the advice. :) She does work, and has a sister and nieces to keep her company (they're currently living with them, actually), so she will not be completely alone, but I think that having new interests will help. It is certainly hard to transition from having two children around to having both not be home for periods of time.</p>
<p>lamom: I will definitely pass that on as well. I am sure she will not want him to sacrifice making and bonding with new friends and adjusting to his new environment.</p>
<p>Thank you all for the valuable advice! As always, I appreciate it all. :)</p>
<p>I agree with lamom-- those first few weekends will probably be some of his best chances to meet his classmates in a social setting! She's being unreasonable and unfair. There are so many other reasonable ways for them to keep in touch-- cell phones, emails, IM, etc.</p>
<p>I also agree that Sunday visits might be in order. Since campus is only an hour from home, he could easily visit, do laundry, have an early dinner with his Mom, and head back to school. Maybe they could even meet at a spot midway for lunch or something on weekends when time is short...</p>
<p>I'm also in the camp of humoring the mom for now.... and then breaking the news gently after he gets to campus... shifting gradually from "sure, mom"... to "we'll see". The mom is scared of the impending empty nest -- but after a few months the mom may get used to the idea of not waking up to find a pile of dirty dishes in the sink. Son can help get the notion across by being particularly slovenly when he visits home -- in addition to piling up the dirty dishes, he should make a point of leaving the toilet seat up and tossing wet towels on the bathroom floor after showering. Soon, the mom will be dreading the visits home and making excuses of her own! :D</p>
<p>Anyway, I really do think that this is a problem that will go away over time and the best strategy right now would be for the son to say things like "Mom, you know I love you!" and giving her a big hug when she brings up the subject, without actually making specific promises.</p>
<p>In order to remain on campus for weekend activities that would allow your friend to meet and bond with other students, maybe he could make a visit home during the middle of the week for dinner or a special outing with his mom. Of course, that would depend on his class schedule. I'm sure his mother will be lonely, having lost her husband and having both children out of the house, but maybe she'll take the opportunity to spend more time with friends or do some volunteer work. As the parents of an only child, my DH and I miss our daughter a lot - she's 6 1/2 hours away (it's a rare occasion that she is able to visit), but we've also come to realize our lives have revolved around her for the past 18 years and we're having a lot of fun doing things we want to do. Your friend shouldn't be made to feel guilty if he doesn't come home as often as his mother would like. I presume at some point, he'll find someone with whom he wants to spend the rest of his life, and I'm sure his future spouse will not want to spend every weekend at the MIL's house. Once he's out of the house and she's had a few weeks or months to adjust, I'm sure it will be easier for both of them. Good luck to him.</p>
<p>Dear dead- as another "empty nester" I know what the mom is going thru, but Calmom's advice is dead on- humor the mom for now, and she WILL eventually get used to her son being gone.</p>