<p>I’m with Weet:</p>
<p>I am no longer a parent of a college student, but I am a college administrator. I suggest you go to the Dean of Students and have a discussion with them. You need to do this for your own protection. If you really feel concerned go directly to your campus PD.</p>
<p>I suggest you first try to confront him about this before you go to the Dean. Only because you have yet to actually try solving this on your own. Be assertive and let him know how uncomfortable he makes you. (I also like the rolling in a pack idea, really everyone does it, just for different reasons. But she can’t be around other people all the time) And while you talk to him, still send an email to the RA so he’ll know about this. If he still bugs you and nothing the RA does causes him to stop then you go to the Dean.</p>
<p>NOTE: Wasn’t sure what advice to give you, but if he’s trying to touch you and you don’t want him to that’s a serious violation of privacy. If you feel the need to ignore everything else and go straight to the Dean.</p>
<p>As a guy, I understand that there may be an intimidation factor that I cannot appreciate, but the vast, vast majority of guys (even creepy ones) are not sexual predators. Going to the dean, to me, implies that you think he is one.</p>
<p>I think you should tell him to his face (or through e-mail or phone or whatever method you prefer) straight up that he’s creeping you out and that you’re not interested in him. As people have said, this guy is probably just super awkward and isn’t going to get the slightly more subtle social cues that most guys would. </p>
<p>From what you’ve told us (or at least, what I understand) the kid hasn’t followed you to anywhere he isn’t supposed to be (you guys are in the same dorm and same class), and he hasn’t really crossed any boundaries that would actually be grounds for any official action other than the lecture hall hand creeping, which, while I admit was probably him trying to make a move, it’s possible you’re over reacting since you’re understandably already on high alert with him (just playing devil’s advocate a little here). </p>
<p>I think it’s totally fine to go to the RA, but don’t go to the Dean yet. That sounds really extreme, and you risk really messing this kid’s life up with a stalking allegation when you haven’t even told him that you want him to leave you alone.</p>
<p>OP, I have a college daughter and if she told me the story you’ve told us, I’d tell her to go the Dean immediately (and if she didn’t, I would). This guy is not just socially awkward. He is clearly stalking you, and that is dangerous and illegal. </p>
<p>Skip the RA, I think this has escalated beyond that point. I also think it’s escalated past the point of dealing with it yourself. Can you honestly see him suddenly respecting your wishes if you directly asked him to stay away? You’ve tried, and it only makes him more clingy, even “turned on.” There’s something very scary about the way you describe this guy’s actions.</p>
<p>bump up + update
So, here’s the lowdown as of now.
I still haven’t told him to his face that he needs to leave me alone, but I have made it as obvious as possible that his attention is not welcome. Every time he comes over, I deliberately walk over to the other side of the group/room and start talking to someone else.<br>
What I’ve noticed is that he seems to have no problem invading a conversation when I’m in a group unless I’m right next to one of a select group of guys. Like, the tall ones or our RA or guys that are very masculine. If I’m next to those guys, he won’t come around. So I’ve been trying to hang around them more often. I still feel uncomfortable around him, especially during class. I found out two more of my hallmates are in that lecture section, so I make sure I put at least one of them between me and the guy, but he still stares at me during the entire lecture. Even yesterday, when we were supposed to sit in our discussion groups, he deliberately ignored that fact, even when it was pointed out to him, and sat as close to me as he could. Neither of the other two hallmates in my class know about my situation, so I didn’t bring it up. I just ran back to the dorm and barricaded myself after class.<br>
I’m a little dubious about bringing it up with my RA, because I feel like he’ll think I’m overreacting, ever since I started hanging around the other guys to prevent his approach, it hasn’t been as obvious. Should I wait it out and hope it goes away?</p>
<p>No, seriously, just talk to the guy. If that doesn’t improve things, then seriously, go to the RA. Like, that’s it.</p>
<p>OP, I can understand that you’re not eager to go to college authorities, but really, you need to. You can’t be with masculine guys 24/7, and you shouldn’t have to flee and barricade. The fact that you feel you need to should tell you that this is getting out of control. Talk to the Dean.</p>
<p>Sorry if this is rude, but its sounds to me that you kind of like the attention you’re getting from this guy or you would have told him off by now. If you are serious about ditching him, you need to stop being so passive aggressive and just tell him to leave you alone.</p>
<p>Tell the guy, this doesn’t need to be brought up to the dean, it WILL ruin his life. Get some courage and talk to the bloody guy. Maybe he just CANNOT comprehend your obvious signs.</p>
<p>He might just become more aggressive if you do, so be prepared for that.</p>
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<p>First, you should not have to change/adjust your life because of unwanted attention … you should not have to make sure you’re with two other girls or a big guy … you should not have to move from where you are sitting in the common room … an you should not have to change where you sit in a class. The person doing the bothering should be the one who needs to change their behavior not the person being bothered.</p>
<p>That said the quote above is dead on. I am also the parent of a college age daughter and I feel the first step in in your camp … stop changing your behavior trying to avoid him and be assertive and talk to him (and not in front of a lot of people) … explain that you are not interested in him and that his behavior is making you uncomfortable and that you want him to stop. I know this sounds harsh but it fair to both you and him … you should not have to avoid people … and he may just not get it so be blunt. If you have told him and he does not stop then go to an RA or Dean. </p>
<p>If you’re not comfortable talking to him directly I’d suggest going to your RA so you two can talk to him. From what you have described this sounds more like unwanted attention rather than really creepy egregious behavior that has you seriously concerned about your safety. I am also the parent of a college age son … if it is “just” unwanted attention I think going directly to a Dean, without talking directly to the student or your RA, is unfair to the student and could have serious consequences for what might merely be someone who is socially inept. Through your life you will likely deal with men more interested in you than you are in them … you need to be able to tell them you are not interested and that they should leave you alone. </p>
<p>(If I misread the situation and you feel unsafe then jumping to college officials immediately is certainly OK)</p>
<p>One last comment … in the work place the training I have received implies it generally is NOT considered harassment if someone shows unwanted attention and continues to if they have not been asked to stop … the onus is on the person being made uncomfortable to tell someone (the employee or a supervisor) about the situation. That said if any egregious occurs (unwanted touching or kissing for example) that changed the situation and even one event can define harassment.</p>
<p>^THIS. This, this this. Do everything this person says.</p>
<p>You can’t keep this up all year. The sooner you talk to him about it, the sooner you can put this behind you and focus on your studies. If you don’t feel safe talking to him, talk to the RA. If you don’t think the RA is competent, than talk to a housing director (or whatever your college calls them).</p>
<p>This is pretty much the simplest solution available to you.</p>
<p>At least you don’t feel like you have to be polite around him anymore. I think what happened is that initially you were nicer to him than most people are and unfortunately he glommed onto you.</p>
<p>I don’t think you should feel bad for getting you RA involved. Your RA is getting paid for his position and if he isn’t available to deal with the inevitable problems that come up then he isn’t doing his job at all which makes me mad.</p>
<p>Continue in the vein you are. Don’t be the least bit polite. If he doesn’t back off or you feel he is dangerous then you will need to get someone in authority involved.</p>
<p>I don’t understand how people expect this guy to be able to read OP’s mind… Yeah he SHOULD be getting the hints, but either he’s not (he’s obviously socially incompetent) or thinks that since she hasn’t explicitly said anything, he has free reign to continue as he is. Simply not being polite is not having much of an effect. Therefore, she can’t expect him to know she wants him to back off unless she talks to him. What she is doing is not working, so it’s time to try something else. If that doesn’t work, time to try something else and so on, until a solution is reached.</p>
<p>I don’t understand people who expect interpersonal problems to go away on their own without some sort of interaction with the people involved…</p>
<p>OP- it seems you haven’t told anyone but us-? Tell someone. That’s what an RA is there for. </p>
<p>If you can honestly write here that you go barricade yourself, you have grounds to speak with an RA or other authority at school. </p>
<p>Don’t let your “nice” make this your burden. Plenty of gals overthink- oh, maybe he’ll get the message or maybe he’ll grow up. He is clearly NOT getting the message. You want four years of this? And the memories? Or, you want the full academic and social opportunities of college? </p>
<p>If, for any reason, any reason, you think your RA isn’t the right person, speak with another RA in the dorm or go over his head. This is your right. You can always describe your concerns in a nice way, while still making it obvious how you have to dodge this fellow and how uncomfortable he is making you. Good luck.</p>
<p>“OP- it seems you haven’t told anyone but us-?”</p>
<p>We don’t know if she’s spoken with a close friend or family. Can’t just assume we’re the only people giving her advice.</p>
<p>Talk to him, like " Why do you keep staring at me and following me? It’s making me feel really uncomfortable." </p>
<p>Whatever his answer is (if he answers at all), tell him you would like him to stop.</p>
<p>If he continues, report him.</p>
<p>Although unlikely, this situation could easily take a very bad turn. Especially if this guy isn’t too right in the head or something.</p>
<p>
OP has done nothing to change the situation. Why should OP go above an RA? The guy hasn’t done anything that would require any form of administrative authority. OP often sees him around campus a bit and he looks at OP because he finds her attractive. OH GOD! [/sarcasm]</p>
<p>Confront the guy. Ask him why he is always near you and staring at you. Tell him it makes you uncomfortable. That is how you should start. You immediately assumed that this guy was a creep and have been putting people between you and him without giving him ANY sort of message.</p>
<p>
Because women know how to make their implicit messages sooo obvious…</p>
<p>I disagree…if he is trying to touch her during class, that has certainly crossed a line and I for one would not feel comfortable speaking to him about it one-on-one. Yes, she needs to be firm and perhaps even mean to make her point as clear as possible. But most guys would not try to feel up random girls they’re not even friends with during class. This might be a case where even if she does make it clear, it will only be a game to him. At that point, higher authority is needed.</p>