<p>In post 9, the OP writes, “because his [hands] were getting uncomfortably close to my legs.” Uncomfortably close is not touching, and they are not randos to each other. They are hall mates.</p>
<p>This situation is obviously starting to really get out of hand, but I still think the onus is on the OP to DO/SAY SOMETHING but not as extreme as filing a formal complaint through the Dean or some authority beyond the RA. Odds are this kid is just completely clueless and awkward, and honestly, the university would probably not pursue this because a) unis are notoriously bad when it comes to things like this, and b) this situation is especially flimsy because it can easily be spun as a girl complaining about a guy who lives in her dorm talking to her in the common room of his own dorm, sitting next to her in his own class. He hasn’t touched her, he hasn’t shown up at her room without an invite, and the only negative thing she’s told him was to move his hands during class which he did and hasn’t done since.</p>
<p>The OP can tell a friend to tell him lay off if she is afraid to seek the RA or feels that he is unavailable or could use the friend like an RA to accompany her while she does this. She could send him an e-mail that way she even has it in writing. I completely agree that should ANY of his behavior continue after the OP gives him a stern talking to that going beyond the RA to someone higher up (including dean of students) would be appropriate.</p>
<p>I said trying to touch, not actually touching. Getting close enough to make her uncomfortable is still quite unacceptable. And it’s much harder to walk away from when you’re sitting in class. However, I think that would have been the point when I would have gotten pretty darn rude with him. I cannot see how she could allow it to continue beyond that, even if she did tell him to keep his hands in his own seat. I would have had a few more choice words…after class, of course. </p>
<p>Hall mates or not, it doesn’t mean they are friends or that they even have to like each other. It does not make his behavior any more appropriate. It actually makes it worse, knowing that she’s more likely to run in to him.</p>
<p>I am curious to hear of an update, if she does step up and make it overtly clear to him. I’m wondering if he is really that blind to what is going on, or if he’s the type who sees it as a game and can’t comprehend the consequences.</p>
<p>Just to be clear. I am not defending his actions at all, but as you said multiple times in your post, you would have said something by now and op hasn’t. All I’m saying is that the FIRST person at school the op talks to shouldn’t be the dean.</p>
<p>Which is what I was saying, as well. And which is also why I’d like to see what happens at that point. I’ve had some issues with people myself who seemed to enjoy the game, and even when it was made brutally clear, they’d still bother me. I’m wondering if that’s the case here, or if he’s just that clueless and will back off. I’m also wondering if he has <em>any</em> friends at all? Who does he hang with (if anyone) when she isn’t around? Kinda sad if she’s the only one, but still a bad situation to be in.</p>
<p>Well, yes, many girls try to be nice and suggest, or hint at, what they want or how they feel. But when I said “brutally clear,” I mean like, telling them to stay the hell away from me, I do NOT like them. I think that’s pretty clear. And a lot of times that’s what it takes. Boys (and girls) tend to think that being nice means someone likes you. People are just terrible at reading each other. And since we are such social creatures, that is really quite sad.</p>
<p>update
So I got my act together and talked to my RA last night about the issue. He said he’d noticed the issue, and he’s going to talk to him about it. I’ll keep you guys posted.</p>
<p>^^ A private conversation with the RA isn’t going to ruin his life, for crying out loud. If he’s smart, no one else will ever know about it. But if the OP continues to have trouble with him, it lays the groundwork for further intervention.</p>
<p>I can’t figure out why some of you are so protective of this guy. The OP has told us that she’s had to tell him in class not to touch her, that she’s forced to be careful that she’s never alone with him, that she’s discovered him waiting for her at night, and that she feels she has to barricade herself in her room. If he hasn’t gotten the point by now, he’s not going to. If he’s one of those guys who gets a thrill out of knowingly creeping a girl out – and there are guys who do – then her confronting him will only make it worse. From the OP:</p>
<p>Good move. Whatever happens now, you’ll have an easy choice. If he leaves you alone, then this whole thing is done. If he still persists, then you go to the Dean, no question about it.</p>
<p>Unless, of course, the RA is really incompetent and doesn’t talk to him. In that case, you should really consider talking to him first before going straight to the Dean.</p>
<p>Glad you finally contacted the RA to send an explicit message. Hope things work out; if not, seek the RA again: you are paying for him (through your dorm fees) to address issues like this and refer you to the right people if he can’t help.</p>
<p>When I was that creepy guy years back, specifically avoiding people and talking to others were definitely <em>not</em> obvious signs of disinterest; to me, they indicated that I needed to try harder. As for the hands and seat thing: back then, I would have interpreted that as if you were playing “hard to get.” To me, everything short of an explicit, serious “no” was a sign of interest.</p>
<p>IMO, the bottom line is no woman (or man, in some cases) should have to go through this, have her movements restricted, always be looking over her shoulder. It doesn’t matter to me whether the guy turns out to be a real threat or just socially awkward. She’s a college freshman, experiencing this for the first time. She has tried subtlety and it didn’t work. </p>
<p>Some may think this is no big deal, but to many women, especially when they are young and on their own for the first time, stilll figuring out how to read other people’s intentions, it is. OP needs someone to “have her back.” And, if the RA can’t resolve this, she has every right to bump it up the ranks. Nothing here suggests she is unduly sensitive or a troublemaker. </p>
<p>Update!
So things have gotten a lot better since I talked to my RA. Though he still seems to be trying to get my attention, it’s not as bad as it was before. He no longer tries to be next to me all the time and he won’t follow me to classes anymore. He won’t try to sit with me in class anymore (he seems to have latched onto another girl. I feel sorry for her). It was better after I talked with my RA, and he slowed down even more after he saw me hug another guy in our hall. So ever since those two events, he’s backed off a lot.
Thank you everyone for your advice and encouragement!</p>
<p>Glad that things have worked out for you. Indeed, also feel sorry for that girl, but hopefully after another girl or two tells him he’s creeping her out he’ll get the memo.</p>
<p>Glad to hear its working out better. Reading thru the thread, nobody has raised Asperger spectrum disorders. I wonder if the guy has a case of that (perhaps undiagnosed). Not trying to make excuses for him, but people with Aspergers don’t understand social rules and so as he sees it in his own particular world he very well have just been trying to strike up a friendship with a girl, no creepiness or stalking intended. Not that you should now approach him or anything; any sign of attention he’d probably interpret that as a sign you’ve changed your mind about him so I think you have to be 100% resolute on avoiding him and consistent about wanting to be left along if he ever talks with you.</p>
<p>Yes, there is a real possibility the guy has some form of Asperger’s. The cluelessness and lack of understanding of other people’s feelings (both the girl’s and other dormmates’) point to the spectrum or just huge social immaturity.</p>
<p>Glad to hear OP had the RA talk, but still hope she is able to direct her convictions to the next aggressive boy verbally. It is a necessary skill to learn for campus life. </p>
<p>My DD was at a club party as a youngish sophomore when a tall, probably drunk, senior asked her to dance. She declined, then he grabbed her by the arm tightly and said, yes you are going to dance. She didn’t hesitate to whip her athletic arm out, back up and exclaim ‘No, get away from me.’ Her very vocal, assured retort allowed no room for misinterpretation. She was never bothered again.</p>